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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Noisy DP after DD goes to bed

107 replies

Fluth · 03/01/2022 20:51

I live with my DP and DD (not his) She is 9 so old enough, however, she has always been such a bad sleeper, scared at bedtime etc

I fully get maybe I may be BU about this but wanted to check.

We've only been living with my DP 18 months. I ask him to try and be quiet after she goes down but he says she needs to just get used to it (maybe she does) but i have 7 years of treading on eggshells as to not make bedtime bad therefore putting a massive strain on me when the evening is my only down time (single parent before DP)

For example, he unloads the dishwasher after she goes to sleep, and honestly slams the plates and cutlery. I get that its good he is doing that (well, i feel only fair as i cook) but whyyyy now. He has a good hour or 2 after dinner and pre dd's bedtime.

That is just one example, its tv on loud or generally talking loud near her room etc and it internally tortures me as i am filled with dread that she will use that to get up and prolong bedtime.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Wreath21 · 03/01/2022 23:08

Hmm. I think he might be a bully, OP, and that he is getting double the fun here, because not only is he able to disturb and upset your DD but he can also make you anxious and unhappy over whether he's going to wake her or not... I think he might be trying to train you both to worship, obey and indulge him as the head of the household.

Bagelsandbrie · 03/01/2022 23:28

Hmmm I don’t like the way he’s saying she needs to get used to things … he should get used to her way of doing things - he’s the newbie!

Starcaller · 03/01/2022 23:33

Have she tried white noise? Or earplugs? Pre DD I was a light sleeper and used either and sometimes both. Since DD I am knackered so sleep like the dead Grin I'm so used to white noise now it feels odd to sleep in silence!

Tee20x · 03/01/2022 23:34

Mmm I dunno. Surely at age 9 you shouldn't have to be creeping round and tiptoeing around the place not able to do normal chores? When living with other people I think a certain level of household noise is to be expected. Obviously not people being obnoxiously loud but you can't expect people to be deadly quiet.

I doubt he is slamming the plates down but as you're used to keeping quiet it probably seems that way to you.

If she is so affected by such noise maybe something like a white noise machine might help?

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 04/01/2022 00:20

@Wreath21

Hmm. I think he might be a bully, OP, and that he is getting double the fun here, because not only is he able to disturb and upset your DD but he can also make you anxious and unhappy over whether he's going to wake her or not... I think he might be trying to train you both to worship, obey and indulge him as the head of the household.
And I think this is really unfair.
thetinsoldier · 04/01/2022 00:23

Right. So if something happened a year ago that's still affecting her, then your h needs to stop being a dick and start being more empathic and thinking about how it will affect her. He sounds Inconsiderate when she's asleep.

Good luck.

SpankyPankhurst · 04/01/2022 00:25

I think he should show more consideration.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/01/2022 01:17

I think that he needs to be considerate first. Dishwasher can be filled earlier in any event. Telly doesnt need to be overly loud. Remind him that he could be at home with his parents in bed, would he be as noisy? (teasing needs to be nipped in the bud.)

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 04/01/2022 01:21

My DH empties the dishwasher first thing when I am trying to have a peaceful breakfast, really pisses me off..............................................

ChudraWouldaShouldya · 04/01/2022 01:32

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Make the same level of noise when he is in bed and see if it disturbs him, i.e. note the volume of the tv & put it on the same, clatter around in the kitchen, flush the loo & clean the bathroom etc.

If he complains that you have woken/disturbed him, then he is being unreasonable expecting your dd not to be disturbed by what he does. And point this out.

Flush the loo? Do you genuinely not flush the toilet if someone is sleeping 🤢
Feedingthebirds1 · 04/01/2022 01:37

OP you say We've only been living with my DP 18 months. Does that mean you moved into his place? if that's the case, it might be the root of this. He feels like he shouldn't have to modify his behaviour in his own house, and if he lived alone before he may be feeling resentful that there are now restrictions. The clattering and TV and talking could be his way of marking his territory.

(Ignore most of the above if he moved in with you, but I'd still go for the territory marking.)

Mookie81 · 04/01/2022 01:37

People seem to be missing the update that says she has trauma from something that happened a while ago, also the fact he 'teases her in jest' whatever that means...Xmas Hmm

KurtWilde · 04/01/2022 01:48

Yanbu, it's only common courtesy when someone is sleeping to keep the noise to a minimum, regardless of age.

I've seen tons of threads on here saying teen DC are chattering in their rooms at night and disturbing parents, and posters say they need to keep it down as it's rude. Why doesn't the same respect around sleep apply to a 9yo?

StopStartStop · 04/01/2022 01:50

'Teasing' is bullying. So is deliberately making a noise when a nervous child is trying to sleep. He's showing he's the boss. Nasty man.

Throw him out. Protect your child.

WhatToDo1988 · 04/01/2022 01:51

He doesn't sound very nice. On the one hand, you shouldn't need to tip toe around the house. On the other hand, I would expect him to be considerate i.e. turn the volume down, unload the dishwasher very carefully, avoid talking outside her room.

I'm a light sleeper and that would have really gotten to me at age 9. I never grew out of being a light sleeper. She has the right to get a restful sleep every night.

I don't like the comment about the teasing either. That's not right.

You've done well coming here and we are all here to support you. I think you need to think whether living with him is what's best for your DD.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/01/2022 04:24

32ChudraWouldaShouldya

CoffeeBeansGalore

Make the same level of noise when he is in bed and see if it disturbs him, i.e. note the volume of the tv & put it on the same, clatter around in the kitchen, flush the loo & clean the bathroom etc.

If he complains that you have woken/disturbed him, then he is being unreasonable expecting your dd not to be disturbed by what he does. And point this out.

Flush the loo? Do you genuinely not flush the toilet if someone is sleeping

For pete's sake I was listing normal everyday household noise.

NumberTheory · 04/01/2022 04:37

The something that happened a few years ago - does this mean she has trauma related to that thing that manifests in finding it hard to settle?

If so, I think your partner is being a massive twat, frankly.

Your own reaction may not be ideal - anxiety can it harder to make the best decisions and you seem to be stuck in a bit of a rut, treading on egg shells while your partner doesn’t but not putting anything in place to improve the situation. And it’s not a good situation for you or DD. But you’re here, looking for answers and I think that’s really positive.

If your DP is otherwise good about and to you and DD, would talking to the GP and trying to get some help for DD make a difference to him? If you were told by a sleep expert or a counselor to be quiet, would he follow that advice? (And equally, if you were told to not be quiet, would you relax more?).

Sleepybear12 · 04/01/2022 05:25

I don’t understand these responses! If someone had a conversation outside my bedroom door I can guarantee I’d wake up.

it’s not abnormal to not sleep through sudden or loud background noise!

He needs to meet you half way here.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/01/2022 05:58

@LagunaBubbles

Shes 9. You've done her no favours by tip toeing around her, if something happened years ago that is still affecting her maybe its time to get her help. Noise is normal. However its a different matter if you think your DP is doing it on purpose to disturb her , why on earth would he do this? Confused
I’m a light sleeper. My dd isn’t. The tv bellowing below me as a child never cured me of it. It just prevented me from sleeping. My mother reckons she tip toed around me during my childhood. She certainly didn’t with the tv. Crash, bang noise would definitely wake me.
GeorgiaGirl52 · 04/01/2022 06:10

@Simonjt

She’s 9, even if a noise does wake her she is old enough to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Being silent because a 9 year old is asleep really isn’t normal.
If she wakes to noise just reassure her that it is the tv or the toilet or the washer. Nothing scary, just normal house noises. A totally silent house is a lot scarier than normal noises. When my DD2 was little she was a very light sleeper. I started letting the dog sleep in her room. I told her that if it were a bad noise the dog would start barking, but if it were a regular house noise then the dog would not be worried. She is in her 30s now and still sleeps with a dog and sleeps well.
Monty27 · 04/01/2022 06:12

OP this is a little drip feed scenario.
There's lots of questions like what happened that DD is nervous. Why does he tease her and in what way. Is she frightened of something. Is your house small. Can't he do the dishwasher at a different time.
So many questions.
Be careful.

JustJustWhy · 04/01/2022 06:18

My Dad is the noisiest person I know and I had to get used to his clattering and loud TV as a child. When I was about the same age as your daughter I remember being in a deep sleep and woke to the sound of an air raid siren (on a war film he was watching on full blast under my bedroom) and I thought it was real!

Offmyfence · 04/01/2022 06:23

@maffhew

If someone is sleeping, age is irrelevant, then you surely keep the noise down?
But normal family life continues? Ok don't have a party, but surely emptying a dish washer, watching tv and talking is allowed?
relentlessly · 04/01/2022 06:24

close your DD's door and which ever rooms door he is in that should block some noise. I am very eggy about sound and go down and lower DH's tv volume for him. DH is noisy- stomping about, crashing into beds when going to the toilet at night . Wakes me but not the kids.

workingtheusername · 04/01/2022 06:41

URNBU If any one was asleep in my house (apart from teenagers at lunchtime!) I would not be doing loud chores or talking outside their room. It's rude. It doesn't have to be silent but definitely quieter. Your child needs to sleep and if they are a light sleeper or struggle to get back to sleep being noisy will not help! I'd be tempted to be noisy at 5 in morning and see how he likes it, with regard to TV I'd just say it's giving me headache can we turn it down a bit.