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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Noisy DP after DD goes to bed

107 replies

Fluth · 03/01/2022 20:51

I live with my DP and DD (not his) She is 9 so old enough, however, she has always been such a bad sleeper, scared at bedtime etc

I fully get maybe I may be BU about this but wanted to check.

We've only been living with my DP 18 months. I ask him to try and be quiet after she goes down but he says she needs to just get used to it (maybe she does) but i have 7 years of treading on eggshells as to not make bedtime bad therefore putting a massive strain on me when the evening is my only down time (single parent before DP)

For example, he unloads the dishwasher after she goes to sleep, and honestly slams the plates and cutlery. I get that its good he is doing that (well, i feel only fair as i cook) but whyyyy now. He has a good hour or 2 after dinner and pre dd's bedtime.

That is just one example, its tv on loud or generally talking loud near her room etc and it internally tortures me as i am filled with dread that she will use that to get up and prolong bedtime.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AnxiousWeirdo · 03/01/2022 21:38

I think it's rude and unreasonable to be making lots of noise when someone... Anyone is trying to sleep in the house. A baby is one thing to condition them to noise or whatever but a 9 year old? No. My mother was always so bloody noisy when I was in bed and I really suffered for it. I was exhausted constantly, until I moved out actually.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 21:38

@Simonjt

She’s 9, even if a noise does wake her she is old enough to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Being silent because a 9 year old is asleep really isn’t normal.

Maybe she can't just go back to sleep?

There is a difference between silence and being generally quiet where you can be heard by sleeping people.

CaddieDawg · 03/01/2022 21:41

Is she actually waking from his noise? And if so, as bad as a baby/young toddler to get back down?

TimeForTeaAndG · 03/01/2022 21:42

Whilst I think it's unreasonable to be maintaining silence for a 9yo, if she is a light sleeper then it's reasonable to keep unnecessary noise to a minimum. If he can't follow your lead on your household rules then you move him back out again. That's assuming it's your house and you haven't ditched your place to move in with him?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 03/01/2022 21:43

@ChiefWiggumsBoy

Is he really making excessive amounts of noise? Or are you just hypersensitive to it having tiptoed around your DD for years?

Honestly I think you’re doing her no favours by not letting her get used to ‘normal’ noise. What happens when she goes to uni, or moves into a flat that’s near a busy road? It’ll be a nightmare.

Not that I’m sure what you can do to help there, but it sounds like you’re trying to enforce silence which is not reasonable.

I was about to post a very similar response. I garuntee he's not actually making excessive noise it just feels that way because you're used to being absolutely silent once she's in bed.

To you any noise is going to be too much because you're automatically on egg shells thinking even the faintest sound will wake her.

You really need to work on helping her find ways to continue to sleep whilst others int the house make normal household noises otherwise she's going to continue to be a poor sleeper and find living with people who are not going to enforce absolute silence a huge struggle.

LightSpeeds · 03/01/2022 21:48

I think it's just considerate to keep the noise down once people have started to going to bed - presumably many people have to go to work or school the next day and don't want to be woken up several times a night by people clanging and banging around.

However, you don't say if it is actually disturbing her or not?

Original poster

Fluth · 03/01/2022 21:48

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

On Xmas eve I vacuumed ds7's room - he never flinched

This is the dream

OP posts:

Original poster

Fluth · 03/01/2022 21:51

@Genevie82

Op- can you tell us if your DC has been disturbed by the noise on occasions or not?

I have sympathy with you about this but I have much younger children and yes we keep the house quiet once they are in bed … if she’s never been woken by the noise of him clattering about etc then I think this has now moved onto it being your issue after years of anxiety rather than Dc anymore… time to relax abit 💐
Saying that is she is actually not sleeping as she can hear stuff going on then he needs to knock it off !! Her age doesn’t matter x

Yes she gets disturbed by him, which sort of adds to my anxiety about it all.

I totally get that she us 9 and im probably being insane, but if feels almost on purpose.

They are fine together, although he has a tendency to tease, but its in jest. (For those asking)

OP posts:

Original poster

Fluth · 03/01/2022 21:53

@CaddieDawg

Is she actually waking from his noise? And if so, as bad as a baby/young toddler to get back down?

Yes, very bad. We had something happen a few years back which i think affects her still and she is sensitive about it

OP posts:

LondonWolf · 03/01/2022 21:55

What weird responses. I have teens who at the weekend come to bed after me. When they’re asleep I keep the noise down and vice versa because surely that’s just the considerate and thoughtful thing to do isn’t it?

You mentioning your DD’s prior sleep issues have meant you’re receiving answers based on that rather than the actual issue. Had you come on and said he was waking you up by twatting around with the dishwasher after you’d gone to bed despite having hours to have dealt with it before, you’d probably have been told to LTB!

LondonWolf · 03/01/2022 21:57

I totally get that she us 9 and im probably being insane, but if feels almost on purpose.

It sounds like it is tbh. He sounds passive aggressive and resentful.

Thickasmincepie · 03/01/2022 22:00

Dh is a noisy bugger. Think stomping up stairs; hitting every bastard creaking floorboard; slamming cupboards ( when he bothers to close them all at); clattering cutlery;telly on too.loud.

Tbh, I think it bothers me more than the kids. He will turn the telly down, but I genuinely don't think he hears noise the way I do.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 22:02

What sort of teasing op?

Yuckypretty · 03/01/2022 22:04

Well it depends on whether those things actually wake her or not.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 03/01/2022 22:12

The lack of consideration from him would bother me.

But then, I'm sensitive to noise myself - even when awake - and find any sort of bashing around hard to deal with.

LightSpeeds · 03/01/2022 22:15

I think he's being insensitive, dense or doing it on purpose, if her knows it's causing her a problem.

In my experience, men tend to be much heavier sleepers than women (quite often sleeping through anything and everything) and maybe this can make them less thoughtful.

What was the thing that happened a few years back?

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2022 22:20

Shes 9. You've done her no favours by tip toeing around her, if something happened years ago that is still affecting her maybe its time to get her help.
Noise is normal. However its a different matter if you think your DP is doing it on purpose to disturb her , why on earth would he do this?

Mumdiva99 · 03/01/2022 22:28

He's being unreasonable. A light sleeper is not going to become a heavy sleeper because people make noise outside their room. They will jist wake up and be tired. If he can't get that then you have big issues. She will be living with you for another 10 plus years....can you really have this worry and stress for that long.

TeaAndBrie · 03/01/2022 22:37

I don’t think you are being unreasonable or precious in any way.
My DD is 15 and my DP moved in with us when she was about 7. I completely understand and I still ask him to be quiet if she’s asleep. He isn’t inconsiderate, he just doesn’t think.
It’s the same as if she’s up before us or my DP I will ask her to keep quiet as he’s asleep.
You also know that if she’s disturbed then it will be you that has to deal with her, not him.
There is nothing wrong with trying to protect your time in the evening after she’s gone to bed.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 22:41

He's disturbing her sleep on purpose and teases her? What else does he do OP?
I don't like the sound of him. I don't think he should be living with your DD.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 03/01/2022 22:42

@Santaisstilleatingmincepies

On Xmas eve I vacuumed ds7's room - he never flinched

My own DS is like this but I'm the opposite. It's in our natures. The OP's DD won't stop being a light sleeper by being disturbed all the time.

Sunshinelover2 · 03/01/2022 22:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

coconuthead · 03/01/2022 22:57

@maffhew

If someone is sleeping, age is irrelevant, then you surely keep the noise down?

I agree with this. Doesn't matter how old she is it's polite to keep the noise down a bit if someone in the house is asleep. Also my partner is SO loud when he emptied the dishwasher so I get it.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 03/01/2022 23:04

YANBU.

I think if you're a heavy sleeper, you'll never really understand how frustrating it is to wake up at every little thing.

And no, light sleepers don't just "get used to background noise" - they lie there getting more and more sensitive to it and more and more fed up and tired!

DH is a heavy sleeper whereas I'm not - it took me years to get him to understand that I can't just go back to sleep because I've been woken up. Whereas he's one of those who can have a full-blown conversation and be snoring 20 seconds later

GrazingSheep · 03/01/2022 23:08

Do you think she was ready to move in with him? I get that it’s your relationship and she has to go where you go, but is she happy?

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