Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Noisy DP after DD goes to bed

107 replies

Fluth · 03/01/2022 20:51

I live with my DP and DD (not his) She is 9 so old enough, however, she has always been such a bad sleeper, scared at bedtime etc

I fully get maybe I may be BU about this but wanted to check.

We've only been living with my DP 18 months. I ask him to try and be quiet after she goes down but he says she needs to just get used to it (maybe she does) but i have 7 years of treading on eggshells as to not make bedtime bad therefore putting a massive strain on me when the evening is my only down time (single parent before DP)

For example, he unloads the dishwasher after she goes to sleep, and honestly slams the plates and cutlery. I get that its good he is doing that (well, i feel only fair as i cook) but whyyyy now. He has a good hour or 2 after dinner and pre dd's bedtime.

That is just one example, its tv on loud or generally talking loud near her room etc and it internally tortures me as i am filled with dread that she will use that to get up and prolong bedtime.

AIBU?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 04/01/2022 06:42

You should not be creeping around on tiptoes and whispering when a 9yo goes to bed. I also think you probably find the noise excessive just because you are used to absolute silence.
And the language about prolonging bedtime and going down - she's not a baby. If she wakes up due to normal household noise, I would expect mine to just stay in their room and go back to sleep. Read a book if they can't immediately. She doesn't need you to stop what you're doing and 'do bedtime' again.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/01/2022 06:42

Sounds to me like he doesn’t agree with the way you parent your child.
Get rid.

Offmyfence · 04/01/2022 06:53

@Bagelsandbrie

Hmmm I don’t like the way he’s saying she needs to get used to things … he should get used to her way of doing things - he’s the newbie!
Nothing indicates that he had moved into OPs house?
Bagelsandbrie · 04/01/2022 09:20

@Offmyfence they’ve been living together for 18 months, so regardless of who moved into who’s house in the eyes of the 9 year old this is a new situation and she must be feeling unsettled.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/01/2022 09:26

All these people with dc who aren’t affected by noise!

Not all children are the same. My dd was ultra sensitive to noise. A creaky floorboard, door shutting, someone walking past would all wake her up.

He should try and keep the noise down if he can.

KurtWilde · 04/01/2022 09:31

I'm thinking some of these posters have never dealt with a child who's a light sleeper..

Heronwatcher · 04/01/2022 09:36

If it is actually disturbing her, as in she wakes up because of the sound of the dishwasher then no YANBU. She needs her sleep. Noises like that would wake me up- the only difference is that I am an adult so I get to shout at people to shut up! However I would consider on the weekend (when she can lie in) doing light chores such as hoovering yourself and try to get her used to it- otherwise she might find life very difficult when she moves out for uni etc. And I agree that your partner sounds a bit “off”- ask her if she really enjoys the teasing? I bet she doesn’t. If your spidery senses are going then you might need to move out.

Ponoka7 · 04/01/2022 09:39

"We had something happen a few years back which i think affects her still and she is sensitive about it"

DV, burglary? If that's the case then he should be following a plan by you. He's making unnecessary noise and it's cruel, if the child has been through something traumatic. He's showing you that he doesn't give a shit. He could also be wanting you to take over all the tasks. I wonder how much respect he will give her through hormone changes and the teen years. Is the teasing excessive, humiliating, or liable to effect her confidence? I'd start to keep an eye on things, at 9 the teasing should be at a minimum.

ponkydonkey · 04/01/2022 10:01

My partner used to do this too... I'm always quiet for at least 40 minutes to let my children settle into a deep sleep

He used to start tidying up the kitchen and talking loudly on the phone too...

He stopped immediately when I explained how out of order he was being, and how would he like it if we all did that when he was asleep!

floatinginmyhomie · 04/01/2022 10:12

YANBU, I’m an extremely light sleeper and my parents thought I’d just get used to noise. I didn’t and I ended up getting ill from the lack of sleep. He should be considerate, of course normal life goes on but he can do the dishwasher earlier and be mindful not to talk loud near her room. How does he tease her?

LuaDipa · 04/01/2022 15:11

Yanbu. And I don’t like the sound of your dp to be honest. It’s not for him to decide what your dd does or doesn’t need to get used to. Did you move into his or did he move into yours?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/01/2022 15:15

They are fine together, although he has a tendency to tease, but its in jest. (For those asking)

Does she enjoy this or does it upset her?

XmasElf10 · 04/01/2022 16:00

I think you are being very unreasonable and over-sensitive. My 9 year old goes to bed when I need peace but doesn't always go to sleep immediately. She reads or plays in bed quietly until she is tired. I carry on with life as normal and she says she finds the sounds of normal life relaxing as she tried to drop off. I don't see you saying your DD is up and complaining she is being kept awake - just that it worries you.

stillsleeptraining · 04/01/2022 16:06

YANBU. I'm a light sleeper too and it would really stress me out if there was a loud telly on and loads of clattering about while I was trying to sleep.

There's also the emotion of it all. I used to ask my DPs to keep it down and they didn't give a shit. Trying to sleep while it feels no-one cares about your well-being isn't a nice feeling.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/01/2022 17:33

@KurtWilde

I'm thinking some of these posters have never dealt with a child who's a light sleeper..
I agree. I’m a light sleeper and I wouldn’t tolerate it.
Original poster
Fluth · 04/01/2022 19:07

@XmasElf10

I think you are being very unreasonable and over-sensitive. My 9 year old goes to bed when I need peace but doesn't always go to sleep immediately. She reads or plays in bed quietly until she is tired. I carry on with life as normal and she says she finds the sounds of normal life relaxing as she tried to drop off. I don't see you saying your DD is up and complaining she is being kept awake - just that it worries you.
I did say that.

And thats great for you but not all kids are the same. Weirdly

OP posts:
lunar1 · 04/01/2022 19:19

He's waking her up deliberately, when he knows it's an issue. Something in her past has caused sleep issues and she's still struggling.

He doesn't sound very nice at all. How does he tease her?

Genevie82 · 04/01/2022 19:32

Hi OP.. yes tell him the house needs to be quiet once she’s in bed and he needs to organise himself better !!? Just the thought of talking outside rooms when kids are asleep puts me on edge.. YANBU at all xx

Notcontent · 04/01/2022 19:47

I think it’s normal to keep noise down whenever someone is asleep. This may not be necessary for someone who lives in a very large house with good internal sound insulation. I live in a small Victorian terrace and you do need to keep noise down.

Notcontent · 04/01/2022 19:48

Just to add - I have always needed quiet and dark to sleep. I don’t think that’s unusual.

KurtWilde · 04/01/2022 19:56

Imo it's good manners to keep noise to a minimum when people are sleeping, and I don't see why that should alter because a 9yo 'should' be able to sleep through it etc. Some adults can't sleep through noise and would rightly be pissed off with people waking them. Why is her sleep less important than an adults? She has school in the morning and her sleep shouldn't be constantly disturbed by OPs partner.

Deadringer · 04/01/2022 20:01

I wouldn't be tip toeing around, but if someone is in bed i think it is only courteous to keep noise to a reasonable level especially if they are a light sleeper. If he is prone to clanging the dishes around, he should have the kitchen door firmly closed. I would be raging if someone was talking outside my bedroom door when i was trying to sleep, its rude imo. I think you are perhaps a little oversensitive to normal noise at night because your dd is a poor sleeper, but your dp needs to be more considerate so she can sleep peacefully and you can relax.

rwalker · 04/01/2022 20:07

@Wreath21

Hmm. I think he might be a bully, OP, and that he is getting double the fun here, because not only is he able to disturb and upset your DD but he can also make you anxious and unhappy over whether he's going to wake her or not... I think he might be trying to train you both to worship, obey and indulge him as the head of the household.
Or he could be just like loads of other people on here think you shouldn't tip toe round a 9 year old .

OP has made a rod for her own back the kids 9 I'm with him .

AntiHop · 04/01/2022 20:09

He's being rude. It's common courtesy to keep the noise down if someone is asleep and they are a light sleeper.

KatharinaRosalie · 04/01/2022 20:17

It does not sound like he is being deliberately loud, just watching TV and cleaning up kitchen. Surely normal activities in most households after kids are in bed? I have DC about that age and while I don't of course organise any raves in the living room, I am not whispering either. Just normal levels of household noise.

Swipe left for the next trending thread