Gentle goodbye nudges

[NameChangeCity123]

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored

TIA

@NellieWellietheEllie

"Lovely to see you MIL, I'll still be upstairs with the baby when you go so I'll say my goodbyes now" Then go and relax upstairs and leave her to your DH. Before bedtime try some variation on "You don't mind if I get on with some things do you? While DH entertains you? I knew you wouldn't mind, that's the great thing about family, no need to stand on ceremony. Help yourself to tea or get DH to do it. Call me before you go so I can say bye."

This is great!

@CornishTiger

How often is she doing this? It would drive me mad.

Every two weeks now I would say as it's settle down but it was every week for a while til I started making excuses that we were busy

@arethereanyleftatall

There's 'not being rude' and there's 'being a doormat.' This is what we're all fighting against for our daughters 'being kind.' No. Stop 'being kind' when it impacts negatively on yourself. Men don't do it.

She is being rude. She's being rude outstaying her welcome. She's being rude crying to get what she wants. Your dh is being rude inviting her over without checking with you.

They have left you with no choice.

It's your house, you don't want her there. She doesn't get to stay. Simple.

You're right and I think it's going the way of DH and DS going to mil to visit if she doesn't behave tomorrow and stay for a reasonable length of time

@FrankGrillosWrist

After a few 12 hour stints of people who never knew when to leave, I resorted to getting their coats, opening the door, & say that we had to go out. Still they didn’t get up until I actually opened my front door. It was so exhausting that I just no longer invite them round.

Omg how do they not feel awful?! So unreasonable to stay that long

@Hugoslavia

Have a cake to hand, a serviette and a paper party bag and then hand it to her and tell her that the party is over.

killing with kindness (and cake!) love this

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

This woman is your husband's mother. Just like you are your baby's mother. For goodness sake she is your family, let her stay as long as she wants. If you are tired go to bed and say good night please make sure the door's locked on your way out.

She is not staying for 8 hours, that's ridiculous. You must know you're holding people back from doing things if you stay that long. It's just rude

@Mintyt

Mil you have outstayed your welcome, and we need you to go so we can get on, I'm not being rude, but you don't seem to pick up on my verbal nods that I've had enough and am ready for you to leave.

Maybe that's clear enough

@ParkheadParadise

Don't let me keep you 👋 goodbye 👋

😂😂😂😂

@Newyearoldyou

Remove yourself and the bbay. Good night Mil, he's been hard to settle so if I don't see you before you leave goodnight.

Obviously... If your dh genuinely gets on with his mum and can sit happily to chat regularly for hours, then.. This will back fire.

But otherwise... He will soon get over the need to constantly accmd her

You're right/ there is no way she would Stay that long and he wouldn't be sitting make conversation that long either

Your DH is the problem here.

@BeLessMe

Is it you with widowed MIL who is only in her 50’s?

No she is in her 50s but not widowed, just divorced

I can already picture her just sitting there with no plans to move, hopefully I'm wrong and she's got the message this time

My in laws used to do this, worse still fil would actually fall asleep!! (He does it everywhere, even fell asleep at our wedding reception!).

And if my family were there too we'd have the "sit off" of neither set wanting to be first to leave.

There's a reason we dont ask people round much now!!

Yanbu.I get twitchy if i get visitors that stay longer than 2 hours

@starfishofbethlehem

I can already picture her just sitting there with no plans to move, hopefully I'm wrong and she's got the message this time

My in laws used to do this, worse still fil would actually fall asleep!! (He does it everywhere, even fell asleep at our wedding reception!).

And if my family were there too we'd have the "sit off" of neither set wanting to be first to leave.

There's a reason we dont ask people round much now!!

Jesus that's unreal I can see why you don't lol

He’s not keeping the peace or being soft, he knows exactly what he’s doing and is as manipulative as she is.

He doesn’t make her tea because he sees it as your job.

He manipulates you into accepting these long visits by saying it’s because your mum sees the baby more than his (when that’s not true, your mum’s visits are short)

He tells you he wants you both to get along so that you can entertain his mum so he doesn’t have to (i.e. he invites her around even when he’s WFH as he knows that you’re the one who will have to sit with her)

You need to be a lot firmer with them both, I like your idea of sending DH and DC to see her from now on.

@MintyGreenDream

Yanbu.I get twitchy if i get visitors that stay longer than 2 hours

Me too, I think that's long enough for anyone tbh

@phishy

He’s not keeping the peace or being soft, he knows exactly what he’s doing and is as manipulative as she is.

He doesn’t make her tea because he sees it as your job.

He manipulates you into accepting these long visits by saying it’s because your mum sees the baby more than his (when that’s not true, your mum’s visits are short)

He tells you he wants you both to get along so that you can entertain his mum so he doesn’t have to (i.e. he invites her around even when he’s WFH as he knows that you’re the one who will have to sit with her)

You need to be a lot firmer with them both, I like your idea of sending DH and DC to see her from now on.

I think I will end up doing that as it's really getting me down now

Op

My husband was very straight forward in regards to saying anything to his mother. There were no red flags, didn't need any boundaries putting in place. But also if anything had needed to be said I would have said it, the same goes for him having to say something to my parents.

I think I was lucky in getting on so well with my in-laws, I know that, and my experience with my mil sounds very different to yours. I wish you well.

Suggest that once the baby goes down that she could babysit to allow you and DH go out for a walk / date etc - turn it to your advantage!

Can you imagine a man entertaining his wife’s mother for 8 hours while his wife was busy or out?

@Tibtab

Can you imagine a man entertaining his wife’s mother for 8 hours while his wife was busy or out?

Honestly never thought of it that way but that's a good point

It might just be family differences - what was his childhood like, did family visits last ages?

Could be they are set in their ways - but they need to adjust!

My family are fine with 6-8 hour visits for special occasions but not every week. More frequent ones would be 4 hours though

DH's family are used to 15-45 mins as standard, maybe 3 hours for special occasions

Maybe mostly get DH to go to hers and if she comes to you, only invite for a 6pm dinner. She can't stay 8 hours then!

I wouldn't do that /I'd think it rude if he done that to my family

But then, your family doesn't stay for 9 hours at a time. Would you think it rude for your husband to start fetching their coats if they behaved like that?

I'd also push back at the suggestion that your mum is seeing the baby more than MIL. If MIL stays for 9 hours at a time, I suspect that it's pretty even.

@redchicken

Suggest that once the baby goes down that she could babysit to allow you and DH go out for a walk / date etc - turn it to your advantage!

It's not the baby I'm wanting shot of 😂😂

You've definitely come to the right place to get lots of support, MN hates in laws!

My MIL used to come once a week to spend the day with me and DSs, DH was at work. If my parents or MIL came for an occasion then we would put the kids to bed and have adult time together.

If you don't like her then fair enough but it wouldn't be unreasonable for one of my family members or in laws to stay that long and it definitely wouldn't be an issue. My FIL is a different story, I don't like him so wouldn't want him to stay that long. I don't like him because he is an alcoholic and caused us nothing but upset and trouble.