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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:02

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

I wouldn't do that /I'd think it rude if he done that to my family

But then, your family doesn't stay for 9 hours at a time. Would you think it rude for your husband to start fetching their coats if they behaved like that?

I'd also push back at the suggestion that your mum is seeing the baby more than MIL. If MIL stays for 9 hours at a time, I suspect that it's pretty even.

I know, I think I need to be less Sensitive about being offensive and Just be firm in setting boundaries
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:03

@PugInTheHouse

You've definitely come to the right place to get lots of support, MN hates in laws!

My MIL used to come once a week to spend the day with me and DSs, DH was at work. If my parents or MIL came for an occasion then we would put the kids to bed and have adult time together.

If you don't like her then fair enough but it wouldn't be unreasonable for one of my family members or in laws to stay that long and it definitely wouldn't be an issue. My FIL is a different story, I don't like him so wouldn't want him to stay that long. I don't like him because he is an alcoholic and caused us nothing but upset and trouble.

Honestly I don't dislike her and we get on okay I just find it too long a time to have people in- same with anyone, not her in particular
OP posts:
Camembear · 03/01/2022 19:05

You’d probably think I’m rude but I didn’t care about offending people, I put the baby’s routine first and just leave DH with any guests so I could bugger off and put the baby in bed! Yes it means I see less of them but my life is 100% better with my baby in a routine.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 03/01/2022 19:06

@Tibtab

Can you imagine a man entertaining his wife’s mother for 8 hours while his wife was busy or out?
Exactly. Wouldn't happen. Point this out.

Or send him off with the baby to see her once a week for their visit while you get some time to yourself. don't use it to do chores ... go out, have a rest, meet up with a friend.

ashorterday · 03/01/2022 19:06

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

This woman is your husband's mother. Just like you are your baby's mother. For goodness sake she is your family, let her stay as long as she wants. If you are tired go to bed and say good night please make sure the door's locked on your way out.
Oh give over.
GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 03/01/2022 19:06

Sit and have a quick cuppa with her then say 'lovely to see you, i'll leave you with dh as I've got a tonne of stuff to do. Then carry on with your day

EinsteinaGogo · 03/01/2022 19:07

You say what she's doing, OP, but not why she's doing it.

Is she lonely?
Does she have other friends?
Is there other family she could go to?
Is her house cold / messy / unwelcoming?
Is she anxious?
Does she think you need company?
Has she always been this way?
Is it a new thing?
What's she like with other people?

Have you done a bit of digging to find out why she's so keen to spend lots of time with you?

Might give you some ideas on how to manage it. (Or might it, sadly!).

Carreterra · 03/01/2022 19:09

I'd probably leave the house, with your baby, saying " I'm going for a walk" provided it's not too late in the day.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:09

@Camembear

You’d probably think I’m rude but I didn’t care about offending people, I put the baby’s routine first and just leave DH with any guests so I could bugger off and put the baby in bed! Yes it means I see less of them but my life is 100% better with my baby in a routine.
That's Important for me too/ it's not worth keeping baby up so people are 'entertained' when it's us having to deal with an overtired baby
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:10

@Carreterra

I'd probably leave the house, with your baby, saying " I'm going for a walk" provided it's not too late in the day.
I'd think that rude of my family came to see the baby and DH took him out but maybe it would be a big hint for longer term...
OP posts:
Lunificent · 03/01/2022 19:11

It’s not a MIL problem. It’s a husband problem. He’s putting you in this position, because he expects you to host his mum and you to feel guilty if you don’t want to do it..

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:11

@EinsteinaGogo

You say what she's doing, OP, but not why she's doing it.

Is she lonely?
Does she have other friends?
Is there other family she could go to?
Is her house cold / messy / unwelcoming?
Is she anxious?
Does she think you need company?
Has she always been this way?
Is it a new thing?
What's she like with other people?

Have you done a bit of digging to find out why she's so keen to spend lots of time with you?

Might give you some ideas on how to manage it. (Or might it, sadly!).

I think she is lonely. Has two othe adult kids and another grandson who she sees multiple times a week but she has no partner so think she is trying to fill her days
OP posts:
Hollyhead · 03/01/2022 19:11

Just carry on with the routine and leave her to watch TV or whatever, she’ll soon get bored.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:12

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

Sit and have a quick cuppa with her then say 'lovely to see you, i'll leave you with dh as I've got a tonne of stuff to do. Then carry on with your day
Think this is the way to go
OP posts:
Knockoneofftheshelftowin · 03/01/2022 19:17

ashorterday

Smile I'm obviously in the minority here Smile

EinsteinaGogo · 03/01/2022 19:18

If she's lonely, OP, that's a tough thing to deal with. If she's trying to delay going back to an empty house.

Can you / your DH help her find ways to fill her time?

Can you suggest clubs / hobbies / volunteering that would make her feel valued?

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:22

@EinsteinaGogo

If she's lonely, OP, that's a tough thing to deal with. If she's trying to delay going back to an empty house.

Can you / your DH help her find ways to fill her time?

Can you suggest clubs / hobbies / volunteering that would make her feel valued?

Honestly I think that is what it is. She only ever talks about tv shows she's watched. She has her other grandson most weekends and sees Him through the week around her work. She has two kids other than DH. She has two friends who she meets on occasion. I have offered to go to classes or walks with her on previous occasions as she said She wanted to lose weight and honestly she's too unreliable and constantly cancels before giving up altogether so I don't think clubs etc would stick
OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 03/01/2022 19:22

Entertain her for an hour then leave her andDH to it.
If he moans, tell him that he invited her and he is her son so you assumed that he would be wanting one on one time with her. And that you thought it was a really successful visit and you will be doing the same thing every time he invites her. Great for you to catch up with MIL for a visit and then great for him to have mother -son time. Everyone wins!!

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:22

@Lunificent

It’s not a MIL problem. It’s a husband problem. He’s putting you in this position, because he expects you to host his mum and you to feel guilty if you don’t want to do it..
I think you're right and I'll need to push it back on to him and make myself less available
OP posts:
Bollindger · 03/01/2022 19:24

Use her.
Hey since your hear so often do you fancy cooking Tea tomorrow.
I am going to spring clean the Kitchen, you can do the windows,
Oh since your both here, I am going to pop into town, to meet friends,
Make her visit him, not you.

EinsteinaGogo · 03/01/2022 19:26

@Bollindger

Use her. Hey since your hear so often do you fancy cooking Tea tomorrow. I am going to spring clean the Kitchen, you can do the windows, Oh since your both here, I am going to pop into town, to meet friends, Make her visit him, not you.

This is a great idea.

Make her feel - and be - useful.

Loveisthere · 03/01/2022 19:30

Op is mil lonely does she have a partner. I think it would probably be best to say you and dh need some time together after putting dc after a long day to bed and say we can do this again next week. But if that if that fails then sorry just be blunt

ThePlumVan · 03/01/2022 19:32

I wish I had some of the MiLs on here !

I’d have my coat on as soon as she stepped through the door and go on a 4 hour horse ride/bike ride/dog walk/ pub with friends/beauty appointment….
Free babysitting for limitless hours with someone I could trust - Yes please !

Bluebluemoon · 03/01/2022 19:33

I've not rtft but the problem lies with your dh. HE should be handling this and if he refuses well then he can be the one who damn well sits with his dm for 8 hours and makes her cups of tea etc.

You get on with your day/go out/do whatever you need to do. She is playing on your kind nature as she's bored and doesn't want to be alone.
Well I'm sorry, but it's not your job to entertain her all day, she should go and get herself a hobby.

I stopped my own dm coming round and sitting there for hours at a time by saying "you know mum, I love seeing you but I have so much to do that I can't really sit chatting for more than a couple of hours". I felt a bit bad at the time but it was doing my head in! She is exactly as you describe your mil to be. Dh's dm on the other hand (despite being 5 years older) still works part time, volunteers, is always doing diy projects etc. She never stays more than an hour or so when she visits because she has her own life!

I know who I want to be like when I'm older!

Pottedpalm · 03/01/2022 19:34

Is it really a problem if she sits on the settee with a cup of tea while you put the baby to ned snd do your thing round the house? Must be horrible to not feel wanted.