Gentle goodbye nudges

[NameChangeCity123]

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored

TIA

@NellieBertram

If my mum or sister visits DH definitely doesn't sit in with us for hours!

Might have a cup of tea and a chat but then he gets on with his own stuff.

I'm going to make a point of pottering about tomorrow and doing stuff round the house

@vintage21

Perhaps she is lonely and is thrilled at having a new grandchild

I think she is and sees us as a way to fill her days

Rockinghorseshit,

Haha,,, No I'm not a doormat but I think it's strange to try and get rid of your husband's mother. I would have been horrified if it had been my mother and my husband was trying to get shut.
If any of my family or his family were at ours I would just carry on doing whatever I needed to do, they were not guests, they were family. I would never dream of turfing them out and I knew just how much a new baby meant to the grandparents.

I realize how fortunate I am to have had a lovely relationship with my in-laws.

@Helenluvsrob

Pull the curtains. Switch off the lights and go to bed ?

I honestly dimmed the lights and started yawning one time and said the baby was needing to go down for the night and she still sat for another 30/40 mins

@MincePieandBaileys

I know how you feel!

My brother in law calls every week, and stays for a similar length of time.
He's a bachelor, and probably lonely, so I understand, but (without offending him), it's difficult to ask him to go.

So annoying. You try and have some empathy but there's only so much you can take. It's not up to you to fill his days. Sorry you're in this boat too

If she’s ignoring subtle hints to go the answer is be blunt .
Say lovely to see you will see you next Tuesday and pass her her coat .
Say I think it’s time you were going.
Honestly she’s overstaying her welcome so she’s being rude you need to tell her to go as she know very well it’s time to go but wants to stay .

[quote ParkingDiagram]**@wineandsprite* So he would rather have you upset?*

Not exactly. I have previously told him I feel as though he’d rather upset me than her, and he says not, but there’s a lot of FOG going on as she can be very bullying and manipulative with him. He’s an only child and she very much plays on the “lonely parent” thing knowing it will push his buttons.[/quote]
The lonely parent thing is fine, some of them genuinely are.

But if your Dp wants to be the one who keeps her company he needs to be willing to do that in his own free time. So that’s not volunteering YOU to be her companion . And not expecting YOU to do his share of the housework and childcare while he entertains her. And not expecting YOU to take her long phone calls while he watches football on TV.

Aftre all, this is what women / mother have to do when they see their own family. I’ve never heard of a man who watches the children and does the housework all Saturday morning while his wife visits her family and then again all Saturday afternoon while she goes out with her friends.

I’ve never heard of a man who invites his MIL around to see the children while his wife is out. Or sends photos of the children to his MIL and buys her Christmas gifts.

Yet women are expected to do this all the time .

What many of these men mean is

“ I feel guilty about my mother but I find it boring, stressful and time consuming to deal with her. So I want you to do all that for me. Then I want your sympathy while I moan to you about how awful she is. And I want her sympathy while I complain to her about you. And I want everyone’s admiration for being such a great son. “

@RantyAunty

How often is she coming around and what on earth is she doing for 8 hours?

I hope you're not the one running around making drinks and food for them?

Oh and how did you end up living 10 minutes from her?

Well she moved to be nearer work - she used to stay about 45 mins away but a flat nearer her work came up so she has taken it. She's struggling to afford it so I'm hoping she might have to move further out eventually. It is me/ Honestly I think it doesn't even occur to DH to offer tea etc but I'll offer one from now and then say a half hour before I want her out ' do you want one last cuppa before you head Off'

@pinkyredrose

Your husband is more worried about upsetting his mother than upsetting you, can't you see that?

I think he's trying to keep the peace. He did stick up for me but I think it's going to end up him going alone

@Knockoneofftheshelftowin

It is FAR stranger to so enmeshed in your DSs life that you fuck up his marriage with lack of respect for said marriage & upset his wife by massively outstaying your welcome & being a manipulative old bag to boot. The DS has left home, let the boy grow up & live his life & he's no man until he can stand up to this shit & protect his marriage

@chineybumps

I just say, 'I'm so sorry to kick you out but DD and I need to have a nap now but thanks so much for coming.' When it's family & friends I find it's way easier to be blunt and just say they need to go. I hate people that overstay their welcome anyway. Why can't DH say something, it's his mum

He's just a bit soft when it comes to his mum in all honesty, he would never want to offend her

@ShinyHappyPoster

How long do your family visit for? Is there an element of competing for baby's time?

I think it's an issue for mil as she sees him less than my family but they come for an hour or so and leave, they don't sit for hours on end

[quote RockinHorseShit]You might want to have a read of this, I think there's a few red flags here over & above MIL outstaying her welcome. It sounds like your DH has been conditioned not to stand up to his DM. She will manipulate to destroy your marriage if he doesn't get help for his enmeshment & sets better boundaries. Watched my own Narc DM do it over again with DB

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/toxic-relationships/202003/sons-narcissistic-mothers[/quote]
Thank you I'll look at this

I think you are still being too subtle. I don’t think it’s necessarily obvious that a visitor should leave because the baby has gone to bed, unless she was only there to see the baby and not to see you.

Give her an end time when the visit is arranged.

I would just take myself off to bed when the baby goes tbh.

'So tired today, must get in a bit of shut eye before the baby wakes up, dh will see you out when you're ready' sort of thing.

You get some peace and quiet in your bedroom and dh can manage mil.

@ShinyHappyPoster

How long do your family visit for? Is there an element of competing for baby's time?

@wineandsprite I'm honestly thinking about moving further away to stop her dropping in - as mentioned she comes by at 9am sometimes (has been earlier) and I've now stopped letting her in. If DH is out for work (the odd meeting as he is mainly wfh) I have honestly just ignored the Door and if I have answered I've not invited her in as it's not convenient

@littlepieces

You and your DH (mainly DH) need to be honest. 'Well MIL, it's been lovely seeing you, we're going to have some time to ourselves now'... sweeten her up by asking when she'll be over next while ushering her to get her bag/coat/shoes.

I think that's a hood approach

@Phobiaphobic

It's insane that a grown woman is crying over something so trivial. I can think of only two reasons - one is that she's depressed, and that needs addressing as a problem, or that she's deliberately manipulative, and that needs dealing with too. What shouldn't happen is that it goes on unchallenged or unaddressed.

I think it's manipulation in all honesty but I've addressed it last time and if it happens again I'll need to be clear in the boundaries or she will start to drive a wedge

@ThePlumVan

Maybe she’s lonely and enjoys your company OP.

I think she lonely is as she has no partner We Actually get on well and I can make conversation easily but I just feel drained after a couple of hours and think that's long enough

@Suzanne999

Would you like to use the bathroom before you leave? Or Would you like a cup of tea before you leave?

I like the European countries that have a set thing you serve when you want guests to leave. I think we should start this in Britain

Maybe some nice little fancy cakes with the words "It's time you lot fucked off home" iced on them?

@KellyMarieTunstall2

My MIL is similar. Loves spending extended time with DH, not really interested in the GCS or me. I've bathed the kids, put them all to bed and she will still be there. Now DH is very specific with invites, he'll say come over about 4, but we must be done by 7 at the latest as we plans. This works well. It's very specific and she hasn't been offended. Stops me stressing. Good luck.

I had been doing that but I let her take DS out for a walk once and she was back about 20 mins later than agreed which made me late for meeting our friends so I then stayed going to hers which was better as I could leave when I wanted to. I'll be going back to that when DH is back at wor

@SalveVagina

Otherwise, OP, yes you should push it back on to him. Do your nice and polite bit, then withdraw and let him spend the rest of the day with her. He won't do it for long.

This is what I'm going to do tomorrow. Be polite for an hour then start doing things round the house. If DH moans I'll just need to tell him the washing still needs done etc

@inappropriateraspberry

Make plans (or just pretend to). Tell her when you arrange for her to visit, or when she pops over then tell her again when she's at your house. "It's been lovely seeing you, but we've got to be at X for X time. DH will call you later/tomorrow." Be firm.

Done this before and also just made plans up so she had to leave. She followed me one time on the pretence of going to a shop next to what I was (really) meeting my friend even though she passed multiple shops to get here

@SwimmingIntoMotherhood

Be clear before she come 'love to see you next Wednesday but I need to nip out or do something at 3pm'

If she doesn't get the hint you might need to be more blunt on the day and say I need to get some bits done so will catch up tomorrow and shimmy to the door

Yeah definitely need for boundaries

@godmum56

to DH "how lovely that your mum is here, you and she can have a LOVELY time with the baby while I go shopping/out to meet my friends/pick up a strange man in a bar... oh by he way he's a bit stinky and needs a nappy change"