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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:13

@Pickles89

Say it's time you got on with cleaning now and literally place the hoover or mop into her hands. She can either stay and clean or make a hasty getaway.
GrinGrinGrin
OP posts:
ANameChangeAgain · 03/01/2022 18:14

My old next door neighbour was famous for standing up and saying "right, come on then, don't let me keep you". Another one was my uncle who used to stretch, yawn and look at his watch. My DH just goes to bed when my parents come if they stay late.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:14

@ShadowGirls

I'd go upstairs, put the baby to bed and not come down until she's gone or just get on with your evening in another room. Leave DH with her
Have tried this but we have a tiny 2 bed flat and she has followed me into his room before 'to see him in his crib' or to entertain him whilst he's getting changed etc. honestly I just went for a breather and there She was again!
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:14

@Joystir59

Would you like a cuppa before you head home? Asked an hour before you need her to leave by. If she says no then say you will fetch her coat, thanking her her a lovely visit and saying you look forward to next time.
Love this- cuppa or coat
OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 18:15

He's back to work on weds so hoping it goes back to how it was

Why are you 'hoping'? You have control over your own life!!

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:16

@Tal45

If he really wanted you to get on he wouldn't invite her round without talking to you about it first and he would be clear to her that she can't stay all day and put some boundaries in place. He sounds like a pathetic mummies boy to me - and he expects you to 'get on with her' entirely on her terms.

Mummies boys who allow themselves to be emotionally manipulated and can't put in any boundaries give me the ick.

He did ask in fairness and I said yes thinking I would be the bigger person but am now regretting it. We shall see how tomorrow goes- that will dictate how things move forward but I'm not putting up with the manipulation. She is trying to drive a wedge between us so if that's the case she can see DH and DS without me but will need to fit it round DH work so will be less than she sees them now
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Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:17

@AsymQuestion

I also agree with Rosemary, after an hour or two or whenever you are reaching your limit, stand up and potter off, have a project handy, a job upstairs, in kitchen or simply wander off, have a shower etc. Leave DH to it, leave baby, pop in and out if you like, go about your business. Like Rosemary said, if he wants to sit making her tea for 9 hours I'll eat my hat, I bet he doesn't.
I think I will keep the washing etc and put that away along with the baby's toys etc and just say I thought they could use some Mother and son time
OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 03/01/2022 18:18

What things do they serve? I’m curious!

One of my European friends offers a "fucoffee". I find it so funny I'm never offended.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:18

@NellieBertram

I'd be a but annoyed if my mum came round to see me and then my DH started trying to hassle her out.

If your DH is enjoying spending time with his mum, can't you use the time to get on with your own things?
Have a bath, read a book, go shopping, watch TV in another room?

If she's local and there all day then you don't both need to sit with her for hours - let DH & his mum chat and look after the baby.

Yeah thinking about chatting for a bit and then getting up and pottering about so I can make good use of the time
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:19

@Newyearoldyou

Op it's absolutely not rude to take the baby and yourself out of the room! I'm staggered you think it's rude and not to think it's rude to your baby to keep him up because granny is in the room??

Remove yourself. Let dh have quality time with mum (🤣) and do your own thing.

And no it wouldn't be rude if your dp left the room after sitting and saying hi to your family!!

Maybe I'm over thinking then, thank you! I'm going to get up and get busy tomorrow
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:19

@ScribblingPixie

What things do they serve? I’m curious!

One of my European friends offers a "fucoffee". I find it so funny I'm never offended.

GrinGrinGrin
OP posts:
ParkingDiagram · 03/01/2022 18:21

Usually I try to make sure we all have lunch/dinner out rather than one of our houses because if we go to hers she also expects us to stay for hours.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:21

@pinkyredrose

He's back to work on weds so hoping it goes back to how it was

Why are you 'hoping'? You have control over your own life!!

He has said it's fine for her to come to the house even though he works from home when o had previously said she couldn't. She has 'stopped by' on two occasions since Then. One was 9am and I was in my pjs in the middle of feeding the baby so I just kept her at the door which I would never normally do but I just thought no way do I want her in the house now. I think it's rude not to text
OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 18:22

How old is your little one? Has this been going on for months? Or just recently?

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:22

@ParkingDiagram

Usually I try to make sure we all have lunch/dinner out rather than one of our houses because if we go to hers she also expects us to stay for hours.
This made no odds the time she stayed 8 hours . I made a point of not having tea and she still never left til after 9 - bloody selfish, I think the baby was only 4/5 weeks then. We could have done with having the house back and time to ourselves before the night feeds started
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:23

@Kitkat151

How old is your little one? Has this been going on for months? Or just recently?
It's been an issue since even before the baby- I think in all honesty she's maybe lonely and sees us as a way to fill her day? I hope that's it harsh but think it's true
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:24

@stayathomer

I love everyone saying it's a dh problem- would you like someone wondering how to get rid of your mother?Grin
Honestly we don't have this issue with my mum and dad., they are here often but only for about an hour and then they leave
OP posts:
Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 18:24

How old?

1224boom · 03/01/2022 18:25

When you have had enough say sorry I was up a lot in the night with baby my head is pounding I'm going to go and have a lie down.

Kitkat151 · 03/01/2022 18:26

Is she just very excited as she has a new grandchild? And it’s only happened a few times? Or is your little one no longer a newborn ? And it’s happening several times a week?

Lunificent · 03/01/2022 18:26

There’s not a chance he’d be hanging out with your mum for 8 hours. In fact, you could test that. Invite your mum and get her to stay for 8 hours. Mirror what he does when you host his mother.
It’s same old, same old sexism - you do the donkey work, if it upsets you, she takes offence - it’s all on you and you dh continues to be enabled to expect you to be the dutiful one.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 03/01/2022 18:27

I don't think you can use the baby going to bed as a reason for her to leave, a lot of grandmas would welcome being asked to help with that. (Have you thought of asking her to help with bath/story/etc?)
Also, suddenly thanking her for coming and getting her coat is just plain rude.
I disagree that this is DH's problem to deal with, it's both of your home, you deal with it together.
You need to be clearer about what she is invited to at the beginning. Is she invited to dinner? Tell her she's invited to dinner, to come Xpm and dinner will be ready at Ypm, and that DH will be able to walk her home at Zpm if she wants. Is she invited for the afternoon but not dinner? Tell her to come for Xpm and you'll have tea then go out for a walk/play with baby and have another cup of tea before she goes.
She might just be used to a more flexible way of spending time together. My family will come over whenever they want and I'm happy for them to stay as long as they want too, 8 hours wouldn't bother me at all. But I sense perhaps you don't like her enough to relax around her.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:27

@ponkydonkey

I had the same with my mil Popping over uninvited Crying as she hadn't seen the baby 🙄 Staying well over her time limit of 4 hours!!

Any way I invited over one day and just told her straight.

The gist was:

I know it's your first grandchild but I really can't handle you being here all day... regaling me with your breast feeding story's of my now partner and telling me what I need to be doing with baby , it's not helpful and is putting me on edge. If you don't stop it will have a detrimental effect on our relationship and you won't be invited around at all.

Please don't take this the wrong way, the fact that I'm even having to say this to you is awful in its self, do you understand?

She did and left we now have a respectful relationship.... the father in law came out of his shell and gave me what for 🙄 so it was him encouraging her!!?

We don't talk at all now thank the lord!

I feel I had done that when I text and said can we be done by x time in future and then she phoned DH crying 🙄 I can't believe they think it's okay to stay for that long. Our son is not her first grandchild but i understand she was still excited and wanted to spend time etc but honest to god it's far too long. I just want to be with the baby on my own in the house and relax or go out a walk on our own and have some Time to ourselves. There's a limit to how long you should visit ANYONE never mind new parents. Our son came 6 weeks early by emergency c section so I have also had recovery on top and she hasn't even offered to make a cuppa when she's been in
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 18:29

@BrilliantBetty

I have the same issue with my FIL (split from mil) he just doesn't take any hints. There is no point trying to hint, he doesn't get it.

I now say, 'ok right, have you finished your tea? I'll need to be getting on with things now, I'll get the DC to come down and say goodby to you now and we will all see eachother again soon. '

I think mil is the same, she will sit and nurse cold tea Confused im just going to have to be more ruthless with it I think
OP posts:
RockinHorseShit · 03/01/2022 18:29

One of my European friends offers a "fucoffee"

I do that, nobody ever does get offended, but then I'm not using it on manipulative narcs, so that's no doubt easier. I didn't know it as a European thing though, I don't even remember were it comes from as far as picking it up goes

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