Page 12 | Gentle goodbye nudges

NameChangeCity123 · 2022-01-03T16:54:14+00:00

AIBU to ask for help .... How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore. Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH Have already had the 'baby goes Down at this time so we need the house Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored [angry] TIA

turnaroundtime · 03/01/2022 19:59

She follows you around the flat, checks up to see if you actually have plans you say you have, ignores your needs and cries that you are being mean? She sounds unhinged. And you are making way too many excuses for your DH. If she won't leave then just go to bed. Tell them you have a headache and that you'll have to leave the clearing up for them. Then leave them. If he dares say you were rude for having a headache then you know you have a dh problem .

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:59

@ESGdance

Oh she’s one of those who weeps and wails to get her own way.

Totally manipulative and controlling.

Your DH knows this - doesn’t want to feel the discomfort but throws you under the bus to deal with it.

He needs to take responsibility for these family boundaries for your home.

Don’t let him dump in you.

You are not rude she is and he is.

Tell him once:

“All visits are 2/3/4 hr max”
“We need to get on with our routine”
“If you are unable to support me then you need to go to visit her at her house.”

I think you're spot on and asp think that's all reasonable requests to make. Thank you

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ilovesushi · 03/01/2022 19:59

My in laws wouldn't listen to me at all - they are lovely but sometimes just too much. It would take DH to be very very stern and strict with them. Good luck with it!

UserError012345 · 03/01/2022 20:01

Can you go to her instead ? You have more control then.

Or don't answer the door ?

DuckonaBike · 03/01/2022 20:11

I have a MIL who pops round a lot (lives very close) and I just get on with my day. If I can chat at the same time then I do (e.g. if I’m cleaning or tidying etc. I carry on and chat while I’m doing it). If I need to go and do some work / pay bills / whatever I just announce that’s what I’m going to do and go off to another room. She doesn’t stand on ceremony and neither do I! It’s fine. We get on well.

If someone is uninvited or out staying their welcome, be nice but don’t treat them as a guest. Could you do something more like this?

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:12

@UserError012345

Can you go to her instead ? You have more control then.

Or don't answer the door ?

Was in the routine of going to her but DH has invited her to ours. After tomorrow it'll be going back to that though as it worked better

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:13

@DuckonaBike

I have a MIL who pops round a lot (lives very close) and I just get on with my day. If I can chat at the same time then I do (e.g. if I’m cleaning or tidying etc. I carry on and chat while I’m doing it). If I need to go and do some work / pay bills / whatever I just announce that’s what I’m going to do and go off to another room. She doesn’t stand on ceremony and neither do I! It’s fine. We get on well.

If someone is uninvited or out staying their welcome, be nice but don’t treat them as a guest. Could you do something more like this?

I think I'll need to do this and take a leaf out of your book. She's past the point of a regular guest now I think

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:13

@ilovesushi

My in laws wouldn't listen to me at all - they are lovely but sometimes just too much. It would take DH to be very very stern and strict with them. Good luck with it!

Thank you Love your name

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Colouringaddict · 03/01/2022 20:15

Being as she got very upset last time you were abrupt, I think this is the perfect time to have an adult conversation with her. Start by saying it was never your intention to make her cry, that you really want to have a good relationship with her, especially now you have a son yourself, but, you find the long visits quite tiring. She is welcome to visit, but can you agree on a visit of … whatever time frame you’d like, and obviously you will pop round to her home in between times. Then kick your DH into touch!

ParkingDiagram · 03/01/2022 20:16

Oh she’s one of those who weeps and wails to get her own way. Totally manipulative and controlling.

Yep, mil does this too. A few years ago, she started a row at the birthday party of a relative then stormed out when she didn’t get her own way, forcing us to leave as well (we’d given her a lift as it was a couple of hours away). She literally cried and wailed (and I really mean wailing) the whole way home like a small child. I have never seen anything like it.

Several years ago, she dropped round unannounced. I was busy and DH was out so I mentioned he was out and she went ‘oh ok’ and walked off. I didn’t invite her in as she didn’t seem interested and she didn’t really give me a chance, just asked if DH was home. Later that day, I got a call from DH saying mil had called him, absolutely inconsolable, crying and sobbing that she never wanted to see me again because I’d made her so unwelcome. It caused a huge rift between us and I was furious. I have as little to do with her as I can but sometimes it’s unavoidable.

VividImaginationAgain · 03/01/2022 20:16

I think she would be better booked in for a weekly or fortnightly slot. Tell her that you want to get everything into a routine and she is welcome to come on Sunday 2.30-5.00pm for afternoon tea (or time of your choosing) if it’s a nice day, pandemic allowing you could go to a cafe/garden centre/park. Make it a bit of a special time. At 5pm or whatever tell her it’s been lovely to see her and you need to get the dinner on. “See you next week.”

If she calls when your husband is working either don’t answer the door or shout your dh to let him know she’s here and disappear to get on with things. He can sort her out.

I don’t have a MIL but my sister’s is very, very hard work.

Bonniegirlie · 03/01/2022 20:18

So he's keen for you to get along. Well tell him if he doesn't deal with this serious overstepping on her behalf now, that it is going to ruin your relationship with her irretrievably. I suggest you tell him that if he doesn't stop her doing this dropping in uninvited and staying for hours himself, then you will deal with her, and that it won't be tactful at all, because you will be at the end of your tether. I would never have entertained my MIL without DH being there, I had better things to do. Heck, I wouldn't want my own Mum round that often. And if he invites her round then he needs to be there for 100% of her visit. And mean it. Good luck, being polite hasn't got you anywhere so you need to bring out the big guns!

violetbunny · 03/01/2022 20:19

Does she normally react like this when she doesn't get her way, crying etc?
It sounds like she KNOWS you want her to leave but she is ignoring your subtle hints because she doesn't agree it's time for her to go. That's why only direct confrontation will work. If she reacts with tears etc then this is emotional manipulation designed to get her what she wants, DH should not be trying to "smooth things over", it sounds she she has him well trained. You should both be ignoring her tantrums.

Have a read up on "FOG" (fear, obligation, guilt) as I think you will find it helpful.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:22

@Colouringaddict

Being as she got very upset last time you were abrupt, I think this is the perfect time to have an adult conversation with her. Start by saying it was never your intention to make her cry, that you really want to have a good relationship with her, especially now you have a son yourself, but, you find the long visits quite tiring. She is welcome to visit, but can you agree on a visit of … whatever time frame you’d like, and obviously you will pop round to her home in between times. Then kick your DH into touch!

I really think she would be nice about this to my face and then cry about it to DH as this seems to be what she does, it's happened twice now, most recently to do with me asking her to please wrap up visits by x time To keep our son in his Routine

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SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 03/01/2022 20:25

She is very manipulative.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:25

@violetbunny

Does she normally react like this when she doesn't get her way, crying etc? It sounds like she KNOWS you want her to leave but she is ignoring your subtle hints because she doesn't agree it's time for her to go. That's why only direct confrontation will work. If she reacts with tears etc then this is emotional manipulation designed to get her what she wants, DH should not be trying to "smooth things over", it sounds she she has him well trained. You should both be ignoring her tantrums.

Have a read up on "FOG" (fear, obligation, guilt) as I think you will find it helpful.

That's exactly it- yes she's done it twice now, once in the last 6 weeks. Have not read about FOG but will, thank you

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violetbunny · 03/01/2022 20:25

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q

This should also be quite a helpful book for you.

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:25

@SimonedeBeauvoirscat

She is very manipulative.

Agreed! DH cannot see it for the life of him and gets upset that she's upset

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:25

@violetbunny

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Laws-Strategies-Protecting-Marriage-ebook/dp/B003WJRE4Q

This should also be quite a helpful book for you.

Thank you

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mathanxiety · 03/01/2022 20:26

DH just invited her just now so no such luck this time as he knows I have no plans

You need to sit DH down and tell him needs to start listening to you.

There will come a point where he has to choose - you or his mother.

I don't think you should have agreed to DH and DS going visiting together to hers. That rewards her bad behaviour with access to DS and you out of the way.

Her behaviour is incredibly rude - staying for 8 hours is a complete imposition, and being someone's mother and grandmother doesn't make it less so. This is not what normal people do to others when they want to establish friendly relationships with them. Tell your DH that.

Following you into the bedroom when you go there with the baby is bizarre and unpleasant. You need to shut the door firmly behind you when you go in with the baby in future. If she opens it and trails in after you, get a lock installed. She has no business doing that. There is no possible reason for it, and you shouldn't let her get away with it.

Your problem here is that when your DH talks about the two of you getting along, what he means is you acting like a doormat and letting his mother get far too involved in your relationship as spouses, in your relationship as parents, and in your baby's life.

An associated problem is that DH seems to think of DS as some sort of toy that everyone should get equal access to. The baby isn't a toy, and no, everybody doesn't get equal access. He's behaving like a child and allowing his mother to get away with behaving like a spoiled child.

............
As an aside, is there any particular reason your DH doesn't drive?

Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:26

@Bonniegirlie

So he's keen for you to get along. Well tell him if he doesn't deal with this serious overstepping on her behalf now, that it is going to ruin your relationship with her irretrievably. I suggest you tell him that if he doesn't stop her doing this dropping in uninvited and staying for hours himself, then you will deal with her, and that it won't be tactful at all, because you will be at the end of your tether. I would never have entertained my MIL without DH being there, I had better things to do. Heck, I wouldn't want my own Mum round that often. And if he invites her round then he needs to be there for 100% of her visit. And mean it. Good luck, being polite hasn't got you anywhere so you need to bring out the big guns!

You're absolutely right and if I want a Different outcome then I'll need To change my actions

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Original poster

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 20:30

@mathanxiety