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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gentle goodbye nudges

431 replies

NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 16:54

AIBU to ask for help ....

How can I politely get MiL to go when I would like her to leave my house? This is an ongoing issue and she has been known to stay for 8 hours before and honestly I'm just not doing that anymore.

Not going to get up and put my pjs on or go for a sleep before anyone suggests those, needs to be something firm but not rude as not looking to cause issues for my DH

Have already had the 'baby goes
Down at this time so we need the house
Empty by this time' conversation on two occasions which were completely ignored Angry

TIA

OP posts:
PugInTheHouse · 03/01/2022 19:36

If you do actually like her then it's a tricky one, I am more than happy to have people here for any length of time, we often have several extra teens hanging around here every weekend staying sometimes 2 nights, and have lots of family round but if you don't really want anyone in your house long then you really need to say something.

Could you not say that the little one struggles to settle if they can hear people downstairs? Or if your DH went up to help you would she leave then? We were always quite strict with DS1s bedtime routine but if my mum or MIL were round then would do baby time while I cleared up downstairs etc so it actually helped.

PugInTheHouse · 03/01/2022 19:38

I do think it's sad you don't want her around though, especially if you like her. I couldn't imagine not wanting my family around. We have had mine over every day since Xmas day. Sadly MIL passed away 10 years ago now but she would always spend lots of time here over the holidays.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:40

@Bollindger

Use her. Hey since your hear so often do you fancy cooking Tea tomorrow. I am going to spring clean the Kitchen, you can do the windows, Oh since your both here, I am going to pop into town, to meet friends, Make her visit him, not you.
Might start making excuses So my DH is left and can deal with her
OP posts:
CambsAlways · 03/01/2022 19:41

I think your DH needs to deal with this, surely he would like some time to spend with you after the babies been put to bed, he should be telling his mother to leave

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:41

@Loveisthere

Op is mil lonely does she have a partner. I think it would probably be best to say you and dh need some time together after putting dc after a long day to bed and say we can do this again next week. But if that if that fails then sorry just be blunt
No partner and hasn't been for maybe 2-3 years so definitely an issue I think. I feel bad if she is lonely but also not my job to fix it or fill her days, in all honestly I've got enough to be doing without feeling obligated to entertain her
OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/01/2022 19:41

@junglejane66

Take her to Crazy Golf, a la Father Stone
Worth a try. We've been having a few storms lately.
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:42

@ThePlumVan

I wish I had some of the MiLs on here !

I’d have my coat on as soon as she stepped through the door and go on a 4 hour horse ride/bike ride/dog walk/ pub with friends/beauty appointment….
Free babysitting for limitless hours with someone I could trust - Yes please !

Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:42

@CambsAlways

I think your DH needs to deal with this, surely he would like some time to spend with you after the babies been put to bed, he should be telling his mother to leave
He's honestly just not that kind of person he would be scared to offend
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:43

@PugInTheHouse

I do think it's sad you don't want her around though, especially if you like her. I couldn't imagine not wanting my family around. We have had mine over every day since Xmas day. Sadly MIL passed away 10 years ago now but she would always spend lots of time here over the holidays.
I don't not want her around, just not for 8 hours at a time. Honestly I've got things to be doing and also just want some time alone in my day with DH and DS. That's far too long to stay and she's here often so no real need, it's it as if she is trying to fit in as much time as possible on a visit
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:45

@PugInTheHouse

If you do actually like her then it's a tricky one, I am more than happy to have people here for any length of time, we often have several extra teens hanging around here every weekend staying sometimes 2 nights, and have lots of family round but if you don't really want anyone in your house long then you really need to say something.

Could you not say that the little one struggles to settle if they can hear people downstairs? Or if your DH went up to help you would she leave then? We were always quite strict with DS1s bedtime routine but if my mum or MIL were round then would do baby time while I cleared up downstairs etc so it actually helped.

We're in a two bed flat so I don't really have the luxury of space here, little one will struggle if there's anyone in as his room is right next to the living room and we wouldn't be able To settle him in the living room with us with people in chanting
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:46

@Pottedpalm

Is it really a problem if she sits on the settee with a cup of tea while you put the baby to ned snd do your thing round the house? Must be horrible to not feel wanted.
It is a problem after 8 hours in all honesty....
OP posts:
ESGdance · 03/01/2022 19:46

Oh she’s one of those who weeps and wails to get her own way.

Totally manipulative and controlling.

Your DH knows this - doesn’t want to feel the discomfort but throws you under the bus to deal with it.

He needs to take responsibility for these family boundaries for your home.

Don’t let him dump in you.

You are not rude she is and he is.

Tell him once:

“All visits are 2/3/4 hr max”
“We need to get on with our routine”
“If you are unable to support me then you need to go to visit her at her house.”

LizzieSiddal · 03/01/2022 19:50

We had a very similar issue with MIL who would just come round whenever she fancied without any warning! She started turning up around 6.30 just before I was due to start getting my two to bed (aged 4 and 2, DH was still at work).

I tried being polite, I then tried being blunt, neither worked so dh decided to go around and ask her not to come at 6.30 and to give us a quick ring before coming round. She burst into tears and started screaming at dh telling him she was entitled to see her grandchildren whenever she liked. HmmAngry

That week we started looking for new jobs and put the house up for sale and eventually moved an hour away. Was the best thing we ever did!

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:50

@Bluebluemoon

I've not rtft but the problem lies with your dh. HE should be handling this and if he refuses well then he can be the one who damn well sits with his dm for 8 hours and makes her cups of tea etc.

You get on with your day/go out/do whatever you need to do. She is playing on your kind nature as she's bored and doesn't want to be alone.
Well I'm sorry, but it's not your job to entertain her all day, she should go and get herself a hobby.

I stopped my own dm coming round and sitting there for hours at a time by saying "you know mum, I love seeing you but I have so much to do that I can't really sit chatting for more than a couple of hours". I felt a bit bad at the time but it was doing my head in! She is exactly as you describe your mil to be. Dh's dm on the other hand (despite being 5 years older) still works part time, volunteers, is always doing diy projects etc. She never stays more than an hour or so when she visits because she has her own life!

I know who I want to be like when I'm older!

This is it. My mum and dad and my mil all work full time but are different in how they choose to visit. I just find it too long and too much
OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/01/2022 19:50

What things do they serve? I’m curious!

Hemlock.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:50

@SchadenfreudePersonified

What things do they serve? I’m curious!

Hemlock.

😂😂😂
OP posts:
CambsAlways · 03/01/2022 19:51

It’s a shame though op that you husband would be scared he would offend, as you his wife is feeling uncomfortable with the situation, and your feelings should come first!

Brigante9 · 03/01/2022 19:51

So your dh prefers you to be upset than her? He needs to talk to her and be honest, no stupid excuses re having stuff to do. You need to set this up for the long term, not give in because your dh is a wet lettuce (sorry, but if my dh couldn’t tell his mum this, I bloody would) Has he heard of pnd? Cos honestly, this would tip me over.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:53

@LizzieSiddal

We had a very similar issue with MIL who would just come round whenever she fancied without any warning! She started turning up around 6.30 just before I was due to start getting my two to bed (aged 4 and 2, DH was still at work).

I tried being polite, I then tried being blunt, neither worked so dh decided to go around and ask her not to come at 6.30 and to give us a quick ring before coming round. She burst into tears and started screaming at dh telling him she was entitled to see her grandchildren whenever she liked. HmmAngry

That week we started looking for new jobs and put the house up for sale and eventually moved an hour away. Was the best thing we ever did!

Honestly I have been looking at moving further out and this is the biggest reason behind it. She's now dropping in in the mornings sometimes, always unannounced. Come on, you know I'm getting myself And baby ready. You're hoping to catch me off guard so I feel pressurised into letting you in. I just feel she takes more and more. As mentioned, last time We went to hers for tea, we arrived at 430 and didn't get fed until the back of 7 despite her knowing baby needs to be in bed before then. She Done it purely to drag the visit out.
OP posts:
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:54

@Brigante9

So your dh prefers you to be upset than her? He needs to talk to her and be honest, no stupid excuses re having stuff to do. You need to set this up for the long term, not give in because your dh is a wet lettuce (sorry, but if my dh couldn’t tell his mum this, I bloody would) Has he heard of pnd? Cos honestly, this would tip me over.
I know, he's really soft when it comes to her. We are planning another child in the long term and so I want things ironed out now so she knows The boundaries or I'd imagine it will be even worse with the second child
OP posts:
ilovesushi · 03/01/2022 19:54

Not read full thread but I used to have this problem. In laws used to watch DS when he was a baby for a couple of hours one afternoon a week for me. Completely happy for them to stay and have a chat and a cup of tea after but then I couldn't get them out the house. Wouldn't take a hint. When I said "Well I'm going to bed now." They used to say we'll wait until you're settled and then we'll go. I'd end up going to bed turning off the light waiting for them to leave then creeping out again to have some down time on my own. Tried everything "I'm calling you a cab". "Please go now." "I want you to go now." Their response "We don't like to think of you on your own." Arrggghh! Can't remember where DH was - possibly working away or working late.

Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:55

@CambsAlways

It’s a shame though op that you husband would be scared he would offend, as you his wife is feeling uncomfortable with the situation, and your feelings should come first!
Thank you. I think it will end up him and my son going to visit mil without me more often than not as I really can't keep doing this
OP posts:
JennyForeigner · 03/01/2022 19:56

@PugInTheHouse

I do think it's sad you don't want her around though, especially if you like her. I couldn't imagine not wanting my family around. We have had mine over every day since Xmas day. Sadly MIL passed away 10 years ago now but she would always spend lots of time here over the holidays.
I'm always amused by posters who use their experience as an invaluable guide to how OP should behave, while dismissing OP's account of her experience as somehow wrong and invalid.
Original poster
NameChangeCity123 · 03/01/2022 19:57

@ilovesushi

Not read full thread but I used to have this problem. In laws used to watch DS when he was a baby for a couple of hours one afternoon a week for me. Completely happy for them to stay and have a chat and a cup of tea after but then I couldn't get them out the house. Wouldn't take a hint. When I said "Well I'm going to bed now." They used to say we'll wait until you're settled and then we'll go. I'd end up going to bed turning off the light waiting for them to leave then creeping out again to have some down time on my own. Tried everything "I'm calling you a cab". "Please go now." "I want you to go now." Their response "We don't like to think of you on your own." Arrggghh! Can't remember where DH was - possibly working away or working late.
Omg honestly that's ridiculous. Mil jumps All over every opportunity - If I say I'm going somewhere she immediately says she will take Baby. No you won't.... I'm his mum and I'll be taking him with me. I underhand she excited and wants to be involved but honestly she is trying to shoehorn her way in and it's just going to end up with me closing her out
OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 03/01/2022 19:57

[quote iklboo]'Quick! You need to go before we summon The Dark Lord for