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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS just told me nanny hit him

149 replies

ncnewbaby · 03/01/2022 14:19

I've been on maternity leave so he hasn't seen her for months. She looked after DS from when he was 1 to 3. He's now almost 4.

But I randomly said 'don't worry' to him in her first language (that she used exclusively with him) and he said (with a lot of question-answer), 'That's what "Jane" said. She was very angry when I was at the park and said I had to come in now. She hit me with a blanket when I was at her house. I cried and tried to run away but I didn't know how and she found me and hit me again.'

I asked if there was anything else and he said when he was at the park she pinched him "super-sharp" and he cried but she pinched him more.

I asked why he didn't tell me before and he said "I just didn't."

I asked him if there was anything more and he told me she poked him with a needle in his eye

I don't know what to do in this situation. Any experience or advice?

OP posts:

Choccyp1g · 04/01/2022 11:29

How about arranging a playdate with Jane's grandchild?

RoyalFamilyFan · 04/01/2022 11:30

It is fine. No I am not. I said it should be reported, but also that it may have been n accident or deliberate. As I said at this age many children still do not fully grasp the distinction between an accident and a deliberate act to hurt them.

Choccyp1g · 04/01/2022 11:31

I mean for the chance of a chat with Jane's daughter; if the nanny really is abusive, then her daughter should be warned not to leave her grandchild alone with her.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/01/2022 11:33

OP are you in the UK? Because from.what you say, your son is cared for by Jane at her house, not yours. In which case she is not a nanny but a Childminder, and by law has to be registered with Ofsted as such (in England, not sure about Scotland). If she isn't registered then she's breaking the law.

Original poster

ncnewbaby · 04/01/2022 11:39

@EmmaGrundyForPM yep in the UK. Bit of a weird one, going to her house only started when I started wfh in lockdown. So not sure what it counted as.

OP posts:

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 11:46

Obviously there's no way of knowing. My two year old makes up all sorts of stories of violent dastardly deeds. None of which can be true. I think I would not say anything further to your child about it as you don't want to input false memories which might follow him into later life. I would consider gently raising the accusations with the lady in question to gauge her reaction. I would perhaps call NSPCC for a chat through and further advise. And I would consider finally lodging the child's complaint with relevant authorities with the caveat that you are not sure as to the veracity. You could also approach the daughter if you felt appropriate. Good luck.

CellophaneFlower · 04/01/2022 11:47

@steppemum

Namechangehereandnow

It is not the needle in the ye incident which is raising red flags. It is the child, unprompted saying Nanny hit him and pinched him. Also the red marks unexplained on his back.

He wasn't unprompted. The pinching accusation came after he was questioned.

CellophaneFlower · 04/01/2022 11:51

There is no doubt in my mind that something went on here.

Wow. So you've not spoken to anybody related to the situation yet you have no doubt? Really?

Berrybear · 04/01/2022 11:51

I'm a teacher so I know that young children can lie or see things very differently such as seeing an accidental bump as a full on attack however please don't ignore this. I had a nanny as a child who flashed her boobs to my sister. I told my mum who asked the nanny who of course said this was ridiculous and my mum believed her because why would the nanny do that? After that she started hitting me but I would never tell my mum again because my mum hadn't believed me and the first time the nanny slapped me was when she was giving me a row for telling my mum. It escalated to me and my brother being constantly hit and locked in a cavity beneath the house. This went on for months before the nanny was finally let go after she tried to scam money from my parents. My relationship with my mum has never recovered and it took a long long time for me to stop blaming her.

Franca123 · 04/01/2022 11:53

Oh wow. I suppose the nanny did the boob thing to get a measure of your parents. She then knew she could act with impunity. I'm sorry that happened to you.

bellamountain · 04/01/2022 12:02

In my opinion, always believe the child. This is a a very young age and they don't just make stuff up to be malicious, there is usually some or a lot of truth to what they are saying.

OP, if this was my child I'd be paying a visit to the Nanny to find out exactly what happened. I'd be absolutely livid and wouldn't let her get away with it.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 04/01/2022 12:03

@ncnewbaby then she's a Childminder not a nanny, and by law she needs to be registered with Ofsted. She can only be a nanny if she looks after children in their own home, not in hers.

Berrybear · 04/01/2022 12:10

Oh wow. I suppose the nanny did the boob thing to get a measure of your parents. She then knew she could act with impunity. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Ive never thought of it that way but it makes sense so could well have been. The nanny had been recommended by my aunt who is a social worker so my mum thought I was just being an imaginative kid and embellishing it.
Thanks, it's taken a long time to put behind me but thankfully have now. I think not feeling protected by my mum caused more of an issue for me than actually being hit (although being locked beneath the house caused some issues!). My dad worked away and it was my mum that I told hence why my anger was all directed towards her. She is actually the most loving mum though but it took years for me to see that through my anger towards her which is why I think the OP needs to listen to her son, even if there's a chance of it not being true.
Even with my job, kids will say things like this about parents and most of the time it turns out to be a misunderstanding or embellishment, but you've always got to act on it in case it's true because in some cases it is.

CellophaneFlower · 04/01/2022 12:27

3 year old don't make up abuse.

You do like to make sweeping statements don't you So no child has ever made up any kind of abuse? I guarantee many do every year. Mine for example, as I mentioned further up the thread. He said his grandad hit him. I know for a fact he didn't. There are multiple accounts on this thread stating similar. Are we all confused/ignorant/in denial to fit your narrative?

Ozanj · 04/01/2022 12:35

I work in a nursery and yes at that age kids do make things up but there’s always a base from where it comes from. I think it’s very worrying that she suddenly decided to take him home when you were wfh - it suggests to me that there may be some truth to it. If you want to keep her then tell her firmly that him going to her house is no longer an option and you want him taken care of at home & then put a nanny cam in place. If you don’t mind losing her then file a complaint with Ofsted and terminate her contract immediately under gross misconduct citing the complaints from your DS.

Ozanj · 04/01/2022 12:41

For example One of the kids that I work with told his mum that my bum tried to eat him - he likes to race in and sit on any chair the grown ups are about to, and so I accidentally sat on him but then jumped up as soon as I realised and checked to make sure he was ok. Another girl is really small and had long nails and has been accused of pinching before because her hand won’t go all the way around the preschoolers’ arms - she wears special gloves now because she didn’t want to cut them.

TwentinQuarantino · 04/01/2022 12:50

It's a tough one. My middle DC was a nightmare for making up stories at that age. I'm surprised we never have SS knocking on our door! He told me his nursery keyworker had burnt him with tea. I knew it isn't true as they aren't allowed hot drinks around the children. Another time he showed me a small cut on his finger and told me a different keyworker had cut him with a pair of scissors. They only used the kiddy safety scissors there.
He once told his nursery keyworker I locked him in the cellar. We didn't have a cellar (newbuild). When she brought it up at pick up time I was horrified and told her of the things he had been telling me about them.
Some kids like DS have a very wild imagination and fabricate stories.

Namechangehereandnow · 05/01/2022 10:22

It seems there was prompting from the very beginning, no ‘abuse/incidents’ was said first, it was always after questions - the very first statement - he said (with a lot of question-answer) …. His ‘stories’ grew the more he was questioned. Most of the stories can very easily be explained, or could be true - we don’t know. The child was 1-3 tiny years old, and then recounted things almost 1 year later … there is nothing clear cut at all about any of this - other than he wasn’t stabbed in the eye with a needle.

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/01/2022 12:58

[quote ncnewbaby]@EmmaGrundyForPM yep in the UK. Bit of a weird one, going to her house only started when I started wfh in lockdown. So not sure what it counted as.[/quote]
Unless she is a registered cm and self employed

She should not be having your child at her house

2hr only limit for nannies or else insurance is void

Marvellousmadness · 05/01/2022 13:06

"There is no doubt in my mind that something went on here."

Wow. So you've not spoken to anybody related to the situation yet you have no doubt? Really?

Yeah that baffles me too.
Come on op. If you say you believe him than start acting instead of speculating

Original poster

ncnewbaby · 05/01/2022 13:09

@Marvellousmadness Not sure what you mean, I didn't write what you quoted?

OP posts:

yaboreme · 05/01/2022 14:03

Did you have a fairly decent relationship with her? Could you not go and speak to her face to face and see her reaction? Say your DS has mentioned it more than once and you want to clear the air. Obviously do the whole 'I don't want to offend you blah blah blah' beforehand.

If my son told me this and I had any doubt at all, I'd be at her door asking questions.

Maybe I'm wrong for doing this but I'd have to know.

She might straighten the story out with a simple explanation?

VelvetChairGirl · 05/01/2022 16:37

god knows, just nicely get rid of her and get someone else and see how it goes.

its hard to tell with a kid that young, my son is ASD he has got me in trouble with SS before claiming I punched him, he has also claimed a teacher dug her nails into his eyes and that a boy at school picked him up and threw him etc in fact he has claimed several kids have thrown him, teachers tried to choke him etc but SS dont care about that only the accusations against the parents.

there was another woman at the primary with a ASD kid who got in trouble with SS because her kid claimed she'd hit him in the face with a frying pan. I think they get things off TV and games and just go with it.

so I would get rid of her and see how it goes with someone else if the accusations of being stabbed in the eyes with pins etc continues get the kid an ASD assessment.

Namechangehereandnow · 05/01/2022 17:57

velvet that’s ridiculous advice 🙄 … some kids tell lies, ASD or not - some kids tell the truth, ASD or not!

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