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Original poster

DS just told me nanny hit him

149 replies

ncnewbaby · 03/01/2022 14:19

I've been on maternity leave so he hasn't seen her for months. She looked after DS from when he was 1 to 3. He's now almost 4.

But I randomly said 'don't worry' to him in her first language (that she used exclusively with him) and he said (with a lot of question-answer), 'That's what "Jane" said. She was very angry when I was at the park and said I had to come in now. She hit me with a blanket when I was at her house. I cried and tried to run away but I didn't know how and she found me and hit me again.'

I asked if there was anything else and he said when he was at the park she pinched him "super-sharp" and he cried but she pinched him more.

I asked why he didn't tell me before and he said "I just didn't."

I asked him if there was anything more and he told me she poked him with a needle in his eye Hmm

I don't know what to do in this situation. Any experience or advice?

OP posts:
TooMuchSugar22 · 03/01/2022 15:12

I swear if that was me, I'd confront her. If it's obvious she's done it or admit it. I would not be responsible for my actions! I'd knock her out. How dare anyone hurt a child!!
I don't smack my own kids I sure as shit wouldn't allow anyone else to harm a hair on their head. And my opinion may be unpopular but my god that woman wouldnt know what hit her!

KaptainKaveman · 03/01/2022 15:17

@TooMuchSugar22

I swear if that was me, I'd confront her. If it's obvious she's done it or admit it. I would not be responsible for my actions! I'd knock her out. How dare anyone hurt a child!! I don't smack my own kids I sure as shit wouldn't allow anyone else to harm a hair on their head. And my opinion may be unpopular but my god that woman wouldnt know what hit her!
Right...so you would express your dislike of alleged violence by enacting violence. With absolutely no proof whatsoever. How ridiculous and hypocritical.
TooMuchSugar22 · 03/01/2022 15:19

Damn right! Because too many people get away with harming children and so many get away with it.

yellowleaves123 · 03/01/2022 15:20

I don't think the needle bit is true but the unprompted disclosure of what happened at the park might be. I'd terminate employment immediately, and report to ofsted.

DivinityRivers · 03/01/2022 15:25

@TooMuchSugar22
What an extremely emotionally balanced response. 🙄

Darhon · 03/01/2022 15:28

My children told me years later about things that happened around 3-4. They often don’t have the language to explain until later. So I’m inclined to believe him. The needle in eye could have been blanket whipping him? You often get a more stabbing/sharp pain if something hits in the eye area. I’d second bit asking him further questions and getting nspcc advice

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 03/01/2022 15:29

@CovoidOfAllHumanity As a child in a different country, I know my cousin who was a babysitter and also tutored children who would poke needles into babies and children's arms, My mum saw it happen one day When she challenged she was asked to leave and we never went to their home again and stopped contact. I was only 3 year or 4 years old. Its only when I red this today that that incident flashed before my eyes. People are monsters and capable of anything unfortunately.

DivinityRivers · 03/01/2022 15:29

OP we had a similar experience in my family when a young toddler kept saying to others ‘you hurt me’ or ‘you hit me’ which was entirely untrue.
Unfortunately, in your case it is difficult as the veracity of the statements cannot be verified without any doubt.
It’s worth speaking to the NSPCC helpline.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 03/01/2022 15:31

Did she have false nails? Ds complains his dsis has needles as fingers..
Ime stop mentioning it to ds. Speak to authorities instead. They can gain info from ds in a more reliable child - friendly way. The possibility of suggestive questioning (from you) could weaken a case if there is found to be one.
Please don't let it go though.

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 03/01/2022 15:31

@AdviceNeeded367

I wonder whether your son is making these things up because he has enjoyed spending time with you while you’ve been on maternity leave and doesn’t want you to go back to work and be with the nanny again.
He’s barely even 4. Hardly old enough to be able to think to lie about something like this in order to spend more time with his mum 🙄
MauveMavis · 03/01/2022 15:33

It's really difficult as children's perceptions of incidents can misrepresent the situation. You probably need professional advice to unpick this.

My friend's daughter (fairly accurately) told her nursery that her black eye was because Mavis punched her.
What her description didn't include was that she was running towards me for a hug (I was seated) and as I opened my arms for her to run into them she accidentally ran straight into my right hand which I was holding in a fist. Bang. I punched her.

Except... I didn't really. I remain endlessly grateful that her mother was present as I would have felt very vulnerable without a witness.

steppemum · 03/01/2022 15:35

Please report.
It might not be proveable, but it is important to have it on record. With many cases it is the 100th child/parent that comes forward and the previous 99 who say - we didn't think anyone would believe us. Some of that harm coud have been avoided if everyone had spoken out.

The problem you do have is that you have asked lots of questions. You need to stop asking. Give lots of reassurance. Talk about how no adult is allowed to hurt him, and gently over the coming weeks and months teach him skills to help him speak out, to say no etc.

To all those saying they don't believe the needle in the eye. It is likely that something happened, but that the child doesn't have the correct language to explain it. Rather than say it didn't happen, I would think that something happened, and this is his way of explaining it.

Nocutenamesleft · 03/01/2022 15:40

Needle in the eye. You’d know

The globe and very very fragile liquid levels in the eye would be disturbed.

I remember speaking to an ophthalmologist about a dart in the eye. You’d know.

Just to reassure you.

RedHelenB · 03/01/2022 15:40

If he's still being cared for by the nanny you need to talk to her. Other than the bath incident I take it you haven't noticed any other marks. What were her references like?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/01/2022 15:41

He’s barely even 4. Hardly old enough to be able to think to lie about something like this in order to spend more time with his mum

It's entirely possible for a child of that age to work that one out.

TheBestofTimesTheWorstofTimes · 03/01/2022 15:49

I asked why and he said Jane's daughter said she didn't like him being hurt

That is a very grown up reply for a 3 year old

RantyAunty · 03/01/2022 15:56

3.5 to 5 is typical for children to have violent talk.
Age 3 they call tell some tall tales.

Look it up. You'll see it's normal for that age.

Catkitkat · 03/01/2022 16:00

@TooMuchSugar22

I swear if that was me, I'd confront her. If it's obvious she's done it or admit it. I would not be responsible for my actions! I'd knock her out. How dare anyone hurt a child!! I don't smack my own kids I sure as shit wouldn't allow anyone else to harm a hair on their head. And my opinion may be unpopular but my god that woman wouldnt know what hit her!
We confronted/asked our former nanny about some allegations (shoving/grabbing them very hard/harsh language) that my children made (ages 4-8 at the time). We had to let her go, there were other things too, but for our peace of mind we needed to get to the bottom of things before she left. She denied everything.

Three days later I got a phone call from social services as someone had reported me for child abuse. The social services lady was very understanding, as apparently the report had all the hallmarks of having been made maliciously but she still had to go through certain steps before she could close the investigation. Another two days later there was another report made. They closed it immediately. It never happened again, it’s been several years now.

I have no doubt in my mind that it was the nanny who reported me, the timing and also the details of the report leave no other candidates.

I just wanted to say this to the OP, as it’s one of the worst things that have ever happened to me. If you can make the report to ofsted in a way which makes it impossible for her to connect you with it, perhaps that’s worth considering

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 03/01/2022 16:02

@RantyAunty

3.5 to 5 is typical for children to have violent talk. Age 3 they call tell some tall tales.

Look it up. You'll see it's normal for that age.

I agree. It doesn't mean it didn't happen but I wouldn't believe it without further investigation.
TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/01/2022 16:07

Hard to know. My DS(6) vehemently maintains that I hit him in the bath when he was little. I bumped him in the head with the shower when I was reaching for the shampoo. If I try to clarify this he just gets more vehement "You hit me. You HIT me."

The needle in the eye clearly didn't happen, so I would guess by that point he was fabricating for your benefit. As to the earlier incidents, who knows really. I wouldn't continue to employ her if he doesn't want to be minded by her, but I doubt reporting would go anywhere.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 03/01/2022 16:08

Needle in his eye -could he have had an eyelash in his eye that she eased out with a issue ? Can sting .
(When I was about 5yo I was complaining about a needle in my bed , it was a wasp that stung me )

madisonbridges · 03/01/2022 16:10

If I'd lost trust in anyone looking after my child, I would terminate the contract. However, I think you'd have noticed if she poked him in the eye with a pin. That's a serious injury. I wear rigid contact lenses and the edge of one was damaged and rubbed the white of my eye a bit. The pain was so intense. So I think you'd know if he'd had a pin in his eye.

Original poster
ncnewbaby · 03/01/2022 16:20

Thanks for the responses. I stopped asking him after the needle...

As others have said it probably wasn't specifically that, and maybe entirely made up, but hard not to know what's actually happened.

OP posts:
Tanith · 03/01/2022 16:20

Children of this age can and do make things up. We used to look after a child who would claim she'd been hit or hurt by adults: she said it about us, about her mum, her dad - even the Reception teacher she and her new class spent a half hour settling in session with!
Every time, we had to log the allegation and inform the appropriate adult. We realised, after a time, that it was her reaction to any unfamiliar situation or place.

It might not be possible to find out what happened after this time, but I think you should raise it with any agency responsible for the nanny. It's an allegation of abuse and it needs to be logged.

JollyHostess · 03/01/2022 16:21

@RantyAunty

3.5 to 5 is typical for children to have violent talk. Age 3 they call tell some tall tales.

Look it up. You'll see it's normal for that age.

I'd be inclined to lean towards the tall tales too. 3 year olds are notorious for it.