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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To the people who believe men and women can never be friends, do you then believe that people who are bisexual shouldn’t have any friends at all?

106 replies

AlternativePerspective · 03/01/2022 12:20

Genuine question.

Time and time again on here we see posts from posters saying “men and women cannot be just friends, one or the other will always have feelings, they’ll end up having an affair, I wouldn’t allow my husband to have female friends,” etc etc.

So, based on that assumption, surely it then stands to reason that someone is bisexual should never have any friends, since they are attracted to both men and women?

Obviously men and women can be just friends. But if you believe they can’t, then surely you believe as above. And if not, why not?

Vote:

YABU: bisexual people shouldn’t have friends.

Yanbu: Both men and women can have friends of the opposite sex, just as people who are bisexual can be friends with either men or women without needing to sleep with them.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/01/2022 12:22

Oh that's a very good point, never thought about it that way!

wizzywig · 03/01/2022 12:23

I haven't voted, but this is a brilliant question op!!!

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2022 12:27

Haha! Love this question 🤣

I suspect it may blow the minds of those who accuse others of being 'cool wives', because they can't get their heads around anyone being OK with male/female friendships!

qualitygirl · 03/01/2022 12:29

I truly believe that ANYONE who says men and women can't be friends is just insecure, and untrustworthy themselves.

Of course men and women can be friends and yes bisexuals can be friends with both.

Original poster
AlternativePerspective · 03/01/2022 12:31

Well, interesting isn’t it that so far 25% think that bisexuals shouldn’t have friends. Hmm

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 03/01/2022 12:47

A lot of people will just think that’s irrelevant because they wouldn’t consider a relationship with a bisexual man.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2022 12:49

Maybe it would be easier all round if no one ever had friends? I mean just to catch those who assumed they were straight but then developed feelings later on in their lives for members of the same sex. I mean it happens occasionally doesn't it?

Or we could just you know, trust the significant others in your lives ( If ya have one that is) that should should situation ever arise that their friends has dealings for them that nothing will come of it anyway.

And if it did maybe there were issues in the relationship you just didn't realise. That's not a sexuality issue that's a taking people for granted/being a dick issue anyway.

If you have to control your partners friends choices then it's you that has the problem really.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 03/01/2022 12:49

My husband has a female best friend. If you see them together its obvious there's no sexual attraction between the two of them. Another woman in the group is a lesbian and there's no sexual attraction between her and the rest of the women either.

No "cool wives" about it. Its just a group of friends whove been through a lot of history together.

Spidey66 · 03/01/2022 12:52

One of my best friends is male. He's bisexual. Never been anything but friends. He's now good mates with my husband, who's never had any concerns about our relationship, which has lasted 20 years.

TedMullins · 03/01/2022 12:58

You’re absolutely right OP, I call that kind of thinking (that men and women can’t be friends and you husband must be kept away from evil temptresses) ‘toxic heteronormativity’ because it doesn’t even consider that not everyone is in a straight relationship. It also assumes all interactions between the opposite sex are inherently sexual, which reduces women to objects and men to Neanderthals that can’t control their dicks.

feyzer · 03/01/2022 13:02

I think many people would simply not consider a relationship with a bisexual person anyway. So even if the bisexual person develops feelings for a male or female friend (which could obviously happen), they would also know it would never be reciprocated so it’s irrelevant. It’s not the same as a situation where there is ‘potential’ to develop feelings on both sides.

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2022 13:03

@MiddleParking

A lot of people will just think that’s irrelevant because they wouldn’t consider a relationship with a bisexual man.
Being in a relationship is irrelevant though surely?

If they don't believe men and women can ever be friends I mean.

PriamFarrl · 03/01/2022 13:04

My longest lasting friend is male. We live in different parts of the country now but we are like siblings, so much so that if anything happens to him and his partner I get the children.

Lots of my friends are male, and they were when I was young too.

People who think that men and women can’t ever be friends are very shallow.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2022 13:06

I think many people would simply not consider a relationship with a bisexual person anyway. So even if the bisexual person develops feelings for a male or female friend (which could obviously happen), they would also know it would never be reciprocated so it’s irrelevant. It’s not the same as a situation where there is ‘potential’ to develop feelings on both sides

Surely though, if u have to surround yourself with people you know you can't even shag/date then u kinda have a problem.anyway? I mean in theory everyone should be able to be around anyone and control themselves. If you cant then Surely the answer is to try and work out why you cant and deal with that rather than just trying to surround yourself with " safe" people.

What happens at work?

WorraLiberty · 03/01/2022 13:10

But the question isn't whether men and women can be friends if they're in a relationship.

The question (as I understand it) is whether they can be friends without developing feels/having an affair.

So anyone saying they wouldn't get into a relationship with a bisexual person, would be missing the point.

Either men and women can be friends without developing feelings or they can't - regardless of their marital status.

Viviennemary · 03/01/2022 13:10
Biscuit
Fidgetty · 03/01/2022 13:12

Do people really believe that men and women can NEVER have platonic friendships though? I'm in the category that thinks it's quite rare that a male/female friendship is completely platonic and that one or the other will have at some stage found the other person attractive even if that attraction dissipated. I imagine I'm at the extreme end of this yet even I can still accept that there are some cases where things are completely platonic. I don't know anyone openly bisexual so that's never crossed my mind.

AsYouWishButtercup · 03/01/2022 13:13

@AlternativePerspective

Well, interesting isn’t it that so far 25% think that bisexuals shouldn’t have friends. Hmm
I voted YANBU because I’ve got some great platonic relationships with men and I think the whole “men and women can’t be friends” is guff spouted by people with no imagination

But asking “Bisexual people shouldn’t have friends” it’s a silly and provocative way to word your question - nobody ACTUALLY thinks they shouldn’t. Stop trying to create an issue where there isn’t one

Potatodrivers · 03/01/2022 13:13

I wonder if it would only cause issue with bisexual friends

Andtheyalllookjustthesame · 03/01/2022 13:19

I am single, bisexual and all my friends are women. I have had a crush briefly on one of them, otherwise always 100% platonic. I used to have a lot of male friends they have fallen away for one reason or another (mostly my most recent ex who was very jealous and controlling and ruined all my relationships, including people I definitely wouldn't fuck under any circumstances). So exes opinion was definitely that bisexual people are greedy and sex mad and will cheat at any given opportunity. I'm the most monogamous person ever, I can't even have a crush on more than one person and when I'm in a relationship I'm all in with that one person. I do think that bisexual the word seems to suggest sexual attraction to two sexes which would have to be two different people right? Well not at the same time but I think a lot of people miss that. And ofc not everyone fancies everyone they know or meet. My whole life is not about sex, I have a whole load of other concerns and it is not my purpose in any way. I think maybe it's different for those jealous types, they think you must see sexual opportunities everywhere because that's what they see. Whereas I have people in my life for all kinds of different reasons. I love to have creative people around me, I love working in teams, I love talking to strangers and being with good friends. Sex is something I don't really think about until after I have a connection with somebody. It's not the first thing.

TractorAndHeadphones · 03/01/2022 13:27

Yet another bunfight thread.

Two BFF's going out for drinks, shopping, telling each other intimate details of their sex lives normal. But would doing all that with a single , straight male best friend be acceptable?

Also a man with mostly male friends and who doesn't do 'coffee dates' suddenly having them with a woman, texting sharing mundane details etc obviously something fishy. A man with multiple female friends who meets up with them, not fishy.

It's not a question of 'friendship' in general but the intensity.
Also being bi is irrelevannt. If the other people are straight nothing's going to happen even if you fancy them so what's the issue?

AsYouWishButtercup · 03/01/2022 13:28

I think some people come from the idea that men and women can’t be friends, not because sexual attraction is inevitable, but because men and women are so different and face different challenges, experiences etc. again that’s not something I agree with but it’s not ALWAYS the sexual attraction route

feyzer · 03/01/2022 13:29

I think women or men who are what would be considered ‘very attractive’ are probably going to be much more guarded in opposite sex friendships - simply because life experience will have proved to them time and time again that most people are / seem attracted to them (regardless of what they say or do).

So although I agree that it’s perfectly possible for platonic male / female heterosexual friendships to exist, I also believe that many people find this virtually impossible because this will have been borne out by their life experiences. They’re not making it up. They’re just protecting themselves from the inevitable drama along the line.

Freecuthbert · 03/01/2022 13:30

I'm bisexual and I've dated people in the past who got jealous of every close friendship I had with men and women. Also I've found some men are particularly insecure about my female friends and seem to think I'm off secretly shagging them or going to! Got rid of all these types fairly quickly. Happy with my partner, we have friends of both sexes and it's never caused issues for us.

MsWalterMitty · 03/01/2022 13:33

Surely it would be bisexuals in a relationship are not allowed to be friends with other bisexuals? As both parties have to be able to be attracted to each other?

I don’t believe any of it By the way, and so just think those who do are insecure