To the people who believe men and women can never be friends, do you then believe that people who are bisexual shouldn’t have any friends at all?

[AlternativePerspective]

Genuine question.

Time and time again on here we see posts from posters saying “men and women cannot be just friends, one or the other will always have feelings, they’ll end up having an affair, I wouldn’t allow my husband to have female friends,” etc etc.

So, based on that assumption, surely it then stands to reason that someone is bisexual should never have any friends, since they are attracted to both men and women?

Obviously men and women can be just friends. But if you believe they can’t, then surely you believe as above. And if not, why not?

Vote:

YABU: bisexual people shouldn’t have friends.

Yanbu: Both men and women can have friends of the opposite sex, just as people who are bisexual can be friends with either men or women without needing to sleep with them.

I don’t even admit that some of the people (male and female) that I am friends with are people I’ve slept with. Any time people have unresolved feelings it becomes clear and the friendship ends. I’m a fully paid up member of rhe cool wives club because dh goes away for the weekend with his female friends and I could not give one shiny shit.

@hugr the discussion is about the beliefs of people who don’t think that men can be friends with women. Obviously, people whose straight male partners have female friends aren’t those people.

I'm bisexual and have no mates. It's not cos I'm bisexual though. It's cos I'm a right cow!

I see what you're trying to say, but I think the point of saying men and women can't be friends is that men can't see women as anything other than potential fling. So the problem is men. Not the fact there's potential attraction. Not saying this is true, though i sometimes wonder, but just trying to lay out what the original argument is. Whereas obviously bisexual and gay women have mainly female friends. I'm bisexual and all my friends are women, I have some male friends but have to say many have a sensual tension. Not the case case with any of my female friends. Does that make sense?

I do know i am missing out, but now i am married and probably too late to form a male- friend relationship out of the blue.

Why do you think you're missing out? Look at your post and see the type of behavior you describe from males you wanted to befriend. That's common place IME, so I'm not sure what you feel there is to be gained? Foster female friendships and you won't have to deal with that shit.

@Fidgetty

Do people really believe that men and women can NEVER have platonic friendships though? I'm in the category that thinks it's quite rare that a male/female friendship is completely platonic and that one or the other will have at some stage found the other person attractive even if that attraction dissipated. I imagine I'm at the extreme end of this yet even I can still accept that there are some cases where things are completely platonic. I don't know anyone openly bisexual so that's never crossed my mind.

Okay, well here's one for you.

I am female. My best friend is a man. We are both well over 40, and have known each other for about 12 years. We both have lovely husbands.

He has never fancied me, because he's gay. I have never fancied him, because he's gay.

Where do we fit into your theory?

Who says the "should never have friends", more just that it's likely that they will eventually sleep with or develop feelings for one of their friends. Or are you going to tell is that never happens?

I'm Bisexual, and have been told RE this and similar things that it doesn't apply to me because "you don't really like girls, you are in a relationship with a man and have kids" (i'm female, for context).

In my experience this comes from both LGBTQ and the Hetero community. They both seem to love invalidating Bisexuals, especially those who have a preference for the opposite sex over the same sex (i've had two relationships with women which apparently just didn't count because my life partner is male).

Shit sorry, to answer the question no. People can be friends with whoever they like, whatever their gender and people who disagree because "they might cheat" desperately need to check their insecurities before getting into relationships.

@Fidgetty

Do people really believe that men and women can NEVER have platonic friendships though? I'm in the category that thinks it's quite rare that a male/female friendship is completely platonic and that one or the other will have at some stage found the other person attractive even if that attraction dissipated. I imagine I'm at the extreme end of this yet even I can still accept that there are some cases where things are completely platonic. I don't know anyone openly bisexual so that's never crossed my mind.

But finding other people attractive is irrelevant.

I've always been in mixed-sex (and mixed-sexuality) social groups and can't comprehend things like "girls nights in" or "lads nights out" or any of those cliched segregated socialising things. I could tell you right now which of my male friends are more and less attractive. I assume DP could do the same with his female friends. We have eyes.

What matters is whether we act on that. And it's so easy not to.

The reason I don't try to shag my good-looking male friends isn't because I don't think they're good-looking, it's because I have loyalty to DP, respect for them and their partners, and self-control over myself.

I wouldn't be surprised if some male friends have found me attractive over the years but if they've never given any indication I assume the same is true of them.

The attitudes towards bisexual people on this site are fucking awful.

@GirlOnPfizer

The attitudes towards bisexual people on this site are fucking awful.

Every so often there's a thread about male bisexuality and I read them slackjawed at the amount of posters who feel able to express actual repulsion and disgust at those men.

@Thatsplentyjack

Who says the "should never have friends", more just that it's likely that they will eventually sleep with or develop feelings for one of their friends. Or are you going to tell is that never happens?

Of course it happens. The question is for those people who believes this will ALWAYS happen, as if friendship is somehow just a prelude to these things and can't exist on its own. The language you use, that it's "likely", suggests that you view it that way.

Can't get my head around that view of friendship, frankly. Do you seriously only have friends that you wouldn't date?

I don't know what these people (the "men and women can't be friends" crowd) think, as am not one of them.

But it makes me wonder if they spend all their time leering at the opposite sex (and projecting their own lust on others)

Note: am saying "opposite sex" since these people seem to assume everyone's straight. No idea what their idea on friendships are when it come to gay or lesbian people... (do you they fantasise that gay people are constantly trying to get into their pants as well? Classic narcissistic trait...)

Sort of YANBU, but also sort of YABU in the way you've phrased the question. I'm not one of the people who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I think you may be misrepresenting the view of those who do. They generally think it's unlikely for men/women to be able to be friends with no attraction on either side. That's not really the same as saying they shouldn't be friends. Ditto with bisexual people.

@GirlOnPfizer

The attitudes towards bisexual people on this site are fucking awful.

Yeah it’s straight up biphobia. Calling them (well, us, as I am one) greedy, untrustworthy, more likely to get STIs. It is definitely worse towards men, apparently it’s “not masculine” to have attraction to/have been with a man. Then people start coming out with “you can’t force people to sleep with who they’re not attracted to, that’s rapey!” Nobody wants to force anyone, just admit that your lack of attraction comes in this case from ingrained prejudice. It’s apparent here in the “nobody would date a bisexual person anyway” comments, basically saying bisexual people don’t figure in their worldview.

It’s apparent here in the “nobody would date a bisexual person anyway” comments

Indeed.

I'd like to ask the poster who appears to believe that straight people can instinctually detect bisexuals at 100 paces and automatically conclude they are not attracted to them, why, throughout my life, the vast majority of the people I've dated, slept with, been hit on by, had short relationships with, and the one person I spent almost half my life in a monogamous relationship with, were all hetero and completely at ease with my bisexuality?

2022, and its evident from this thread alone that the world is still full of people who have some wild, clueless, and outright offensive ideas about what Bi people actually are. It would be sickening if it wasn't so fucking laughable at the same time.

Great question. I'm a lesbian, should I have no female friends?

@SapphosRock

Great question. I'm a lesbian, should I have no female friends?

Correct. And should a woman approach you with friendly overtures, you need to make it explicitly clear that you're a lesbian and therefore cannot, under any circumstances, be friends with a woman as friendship and romantic love are inclusive, always, forever, totally entwined, and do not exist separately.

Maybe we can get you a sign printed or something? Might be easier.

If you were a heterosexual female or a gay man, what the impediment be to a bisexual female being friends with either?

Or a gay woman, with a bisexual male friend?

Not sure that even people with the rather dated view that men and women can't be friends would object to a number of different scenarios involving sexual preferences that mean at least one party would not be attracted to the other.

In my experience its (generally) always the man in the friendship who makes it weird. I'm not saying men and women can't have platonic friendships, of course they can, it's just when a friendship crosses the line. By that I mean emotionally, for example if a person's DH/DP/DW is engaging in intense relationship-type discussion/chit-chat to the detriment of their existing relationship.

I'd hazard a guess that quite a lot of the people who say things like "I'd never allow my husband to have a female friend" are the sorts of people who don't socialise (consciously) with non heterosexual people anyway.

They tend to be old-fashioned, narrow minded and not very imaginative people who think that everyone should be married in the early 20s and live happily ever after and wouldn't recognise anything as complex and nuanced as bisexuality.

I do think men and women can be friends , I do think however women tend to be better at being /staying friends without any interest/attraction— if I’m honest I think both sexes often find ‘friendship’ with opposite sex harder if it’s someone who would be ‘their type/attractive/ right age/on tap etc.

@crazyjinglist

Sort of YANBU, but also sort of YABU in the way you've phrased the question. I'm not one of the people who thinks men and women can't be friends, but I think you may be misrepresenting the view of those who do. They generally think it's unlikely for men/women to be able to be friends with no attraction on either side. That's not really the same as saying they shouldn't be friends. Ditto with bisexual people.

So basically you think bisexual people are unlikely to be able to have genuine friends that they aren't secretly lusting over but accept they will anyway? Well, that's an... opinion. Certainly.

Probably

Only because those who believe men and women can't be friends never come across as overly bright.