Men who refuse to marry the mothers of their children

[SparrowNest]

You see that so often on here. I don’t mean couples where both parties are happy to marry, but ones where the man refuses despite their partner desperately wanting it, or else strings them along indefinitely.

Is there any reason at all, other than that he doesn’t want to have any duty to provide her with financial security for if they break up? So not only is he already thinking about potentially leaving, he’s happy to fuck over the person he ostensibly currently loves if they do break up.

My AIBU is that I don’t understand why women tolerate it. I suppose the ones being strung along have just been lied to, but having children is actually the bigger commitment in many ways. You’re joined for life. It seems so nasty to be prepared to do that, but not offer your partner the security and commitment they want.

Am I right that another widely believed myth is that child maintenance is properly enforced?

If we actually lived in a world where men, on the whole, did their fair share of childcare and domestic work even when their partner works full time, and there was no pay gap, and no natural consequences of children that affect girls more, you might have a point
And so the suction is marriage? How retrograde. How about teaching young girls to ensure that their boyfriend are active in domestic duties before moving in together, discuss and fully agree how these duties will be divided, as well as childcare shared and insist it is stuck to instead of giving up and demanding marriage?

Unless deep inside many women are happy to be the main provider of childcare and home duties rather than the provider of finances.

@vivainsomnia

If we actually lived in a world where men, on the whole, did their fair share of childcare and domestic work even when their partner works full time, and there was no pay gap, and no natural consequences of children that affect girls more, you might have a point And so the suction is marriage? How retrograde. How about teaching young girls to ensure that their boyfriend are active in domestic duties before moving in together, discuss and fully agree how these duties will be divided, as well as childcare shared and insist it is stuck to instead of giving up and demanding marriage?

Unless deep inside many women are happy to be the main provider of childcare and home duties rather than the provider of finances.

I agree. We should be encouraging girls to insist on the equal sharing of domestic duties and childcare responsibilities, not encouraging them to accept inequality on condition of marriage!

For God's sake change the username, you're not fooling anyone. You can insult women's work and life experiences, but do you have to insult our intelligence too?

What's insulting is the insinuation that no woman could possibly disagree with you, ergo anybody that does is male. No true Scotsman.

Yes, men retain their earning power and are usually in a substantially better position if the marriage fails. But that's the risk you take if you accept the privilege of not working and being bankrolled by a man.

Read the below posts from the thread I mentioned above and honestly tell me if you can imagine a man posting them. Of course not all women are this privileged but then not all men are housework dodgers.

My DSis married a very high earner and has never worked a day in her life.

I dont work, I was able to be a sahm with my sons, both in 30s now. I lunch, dressmake, walk my dogs for miles, spend time with friends and family etc....
I also volunteer for a small homeless charity, something I am so passionate about, being literally close to home.
I feel totally fulfilled!

My DH works 80 hours a week for a signficant amount of money, which allows me to be a SAHM and indulge myself, allow me to do all of my volunteering and my hobbies.

I work just a few hours a week in a job I love doing, I don’t have to work for financial reasons. I’ve accidentally ended up with a really high earning DH. I enjoy having lots of time to myself, I have hobbies, an amazing spa membership and an extremely fortunate to have some really good friends whom I’m able to see nearly every week

Men retain their earning power but women are generally the ones to retain the children. I know which was more important to me.

Children involve no inherent commitment at all to the other parent.

Unless you use an anonymous sperm donor or conceive via one night stand with a total stranger, it's very likely that your child's father will be in your life to some degree.

If they want to be. Many men will happily walk away, never see or think of their children, and there's nothing you can do about it. At least in case of dividing the marital property, there are legal options available.

@CatsArePeople

Children involve no inherent commitment at all to the other parent.

Unless you use an anonymous sperm donor or conceive via one night stand with a total stranger, it's very likely that your child's father will be in your life to some degree.

Which is not at all the same thing as them having made a commitment to you, let alone one that's more significant than marriage. People insist on conflating the two.