To think this isn’t harassment

[missgraciea]

Met someone, had sex, messages constantly for next 24 hours saw again 2 days later. No issues, nice chat, open conversations, got on well.
Made the decision to block them based on the fact that I liked them and was feeling v confused. They then blocked me. I then changed my mind and tried to contact saying we could be friends and if made a mistake - friend is what they had wanted. I sent 2 polite messages, left polite 2 voicemails. No response so left it.
About a week later unfortunately I saw them in a restaurant where they were the singer - absolutely had no idea they would be there. Didn’t talk, didn’t acknowledge as it seemed strange to reach out not hear, so to approach would be a little disrespectful so I kept myself to myself and didn’t really look over much.
Now - week later they have unblocked contacted with a long message I’m being accused of harassment and turning up to intimidate and being told I’ll be reported to the police. The message also said they want to be amicable. I have replied politely but now I’ve started to get very upset as I don’t believe I harassed anyone and wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.
I’m wondering if I should contact the police and explain? As I feel I’m going to get report for doing things I haven’t done?

Can you explain your mindset behind your actions? I’m trying to understand as it all sounds very toxic.

You have sex and because you have positive feelings you then block them without reason.

You then decide to unblock as you changed your mind.

You then attempt to contact them and they don’t respond.

Is this how modern dating is?

It’s perfectly normal to need time to asses emotions, but your behaviour is that of someone emotionally unstable.

No one with healthy boundaries would get involved with you again after having sex with them and then blocking them. That’s not how you treat people you claim to like.

Next time try explaining that you need some time to asses your emotions and will contact them in a few days. You’re an adult (I’m assuming) so you should be able to have a conversation with someone.

I don’t understand how you’re able tk have sex with someone but you can’t have a conversation with them about how you feel and that you like them. It’s backwards.

Like I said.. Extremely toxic and red flags all over the place.

@MarshmallowSwede

Can you explain your mindset behind your actions? I’m trying to understand as it all sounds very toxic.

You have sex and because you have positive feelings you then block them without reason.

You then decide to unblock as you changed your mind.

You then attempt to contact them and they don’t respond.

Is this how modern dating is?

It’s perfectly normal to need time to asses emotions, but your behaviour is that of someone emotionally unstable.

No one with healthy boundaries would get involved with you again after having sex with them and then blocking them. That’s not how you treat people you claim to like.

Next time try explaining that you need some time to asses your emotions and will contact them in a few days. You’re an adult (I’m assuming) so you should be able to have a conversation with someone.

I don’t understand how you’re able tk have sex with someone but you can’t have a conversation with them about how you feel and that you like them. It’s backwards.

Like I said.. Extremely toxic and red flags all over the place.

Read the full thread. She didn’t block because ‘she had positive emotions’. She blocked because the other person wasn’t interested anymore and that was hurtful.

Your whole post is misinformed.

I think that for whatever reason I feel things more deeply than other people

Er, no, not necessarily. You’re probably not that deep or special - most people feel things, they just manage to control themselves, and think about others. Your blocking/unblocking/ followed by 4 messages was OTT and weird.

I think some posters are misunderstanding the OP (I did initially): OP blocked because the other person said they only wanted to be friends following sex, when the OP wanted more than that. OP rethought things and attempted to get back in touch and accept the friendship by sending several messages.

The only thing she could really have changed is to have accepted the offer of friendship in the first place rather than blocking and unblocking, but presumably felt quite upset after being rejected hence blocking. The restaurant is her local, she didn't approach the other person at all whilst there.

The other person is acting oddly now by repeatedly threatening the OP with the police when the only thing she did was send repeated messages trying to rekindle the friendship.

OP, I would suggest blocking them for good, archiving the messages and putting this behind you. Good that the police have put your mind at rest, it sounds like this person is looking for trouble now.

MarshmallowSwede
I disagree.

For some (not all) women, the act of having sex quickly opens up an emotional attachment set of feelings in the woman which can quickly feel very unsafe and make the woman feel vulnerable.

The way I read it , what OP did was not particularly weird. Unwise maybe but understandable. Everyone is different. Sexual relationships can be total minefields (have you not been on Mumsnet very long??) and can be fraught with misunderstanding and communication break down.

I don't think what OP did was that stange.

I didn't think people left voicemails anymore.

Just because OP is a woman and felt vulnerable after sex doesn’t mean she gets a pass for toxic behaviour.

Stop sexing men who you can’t even have a conversation with! How is it you can sex someone but you can’t even have an honest conversation with the person?

This is nonsense and so backwards. I understand feeling vulnerable after sex, but blocking someone because “you like them” is a red flag of someone who engages in toxic behavior around relationships where actual attachments might form.

OP is clearly emotionally unavailable and unable to process positive emotions around positive sexual interactions in a healthy way.

For those of us with healthy attachment styles, self esteem, and emotional maturity.. it is easy to see the red flags from far away.

If I had sex with a man and he then blocked me. Then unblocked me and called me I would not engage with him. I would consider him someone who doesn’t know how to treat
Ppl.

You don’t get a pass to be toxic. Go see a therapist like an adult and learn how to process your emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t involve hurting people.

think some posters are misunderstanding the OP (I did initially): OP blocked because the other person said they only wanted to be friends following sex, when the OP wanted more than that. OP rethought things and attempted to get back in touch and accept the friendship

I think when a man says he wants to just be friends, what hes really saying (9 times out of ten) is that he doesn't want to see you in any capacity. They just say they want to be friends so they don't sound like total shits

I can understand why that feel that way.

One message would have been sufficient. Two followed by two phone calls with messages left is very much overkill. If someone did that and then turned up at your workplace you’d be concerned.

Maybe a good time to reflect on behaviour - blocking and unblocking and repetitive messaging without a response are all immature behaviours best left behind.

"unable to process positive emotions around positive sexual interactions in a healthy way"

But, MarshmallowSwede the above is clearly wrong.
In this situation for OP the "sexual interaction was not positive was it and the OP did not have positive emotions about it did she? Which is obvious from what she did next.

It is a little bizarre that you totally ignore the idea that the man in this situation also had an obligation to have an open and frank discussion with the woman BEFORE he had sex with her about his intentions.

And your use of the phrase "sexing men" is quite frankly creepy.

You have not done anything wrong op, 2 messages and 2 missed phone calls does not constitute harrassment.

When you know someone local it is.always possible to both attend the same venue without that being harrassment.

I think keep logs of what had happened and block them again, they are obviously unhinged going from 2 missed calls, 2 messages and a chance encounter to threatening reports for harrassment. Unfortunately all you can do is ignore as any response could be construed badly following their message.

Hi op.
Don't contact the police.
Do not contact the person again if you 'happen' to turn up where they work ,leave .
Work on your confusion and get to understand yourself better before starting up any further dates.

Frankly the police would have better things to do than deal with this type of misunderstanding and people falling out...

Block this person and don't think about them anymore.

You bumped into them in a public place, it happens, that's life. You made no attempt to speak to them or threaten them at that restaurant so you have done nothing wrong.

Blocking them because you panicked about your feelings is a bit odd and they likely felt hurt and surprised by your behaviour and probably were concerned about what you would do next. When they saw you at the restaurant they likely thought you had managed to track them down and were there on purpose, not by accident.

It does sound like you would benefit from taking a break from dating though and spend time sorting out your issues and anxiety about liking someone.

I bumped into someone I had been dating very briefly, which ended acrimoniously, twice randomly in cafes after colleague/friend invited me and picked the venues and once in a nightclub...I really thought fate was having a laugh. I live in London and these were places I did not know he frequented and miles away from my neighbourhood so the likelihood of this happening in a city of millions was really bizarre. But it did happen. It would have felt ridiculous to report it to the police though as it was clear neither of us had planned it....

No need to message twice and leave two comic emails this is weird.
You send one message that’s it you get no reply you don’t send another.

Because of your past behaviour when they saw you in the restaurant they would have thought you were stalking them

*comic emails = voicemails

Don’t contact police, and they won’t do anything being weird isn’t a crime

@MarshmallowSwede

Just because OP is a woman and felt vulnerable after sex doesn’t mean she gets a pass for toxic behaviour.

Stop sexing men who you can’t even have a conversation with! How is it you can sex someone but you can’t even have an honest conversation with the person?

This is nonsense and so backwards. I understand feeling vulnerable after sex, but blocking someone because “you like them” is a red flag of someone who engages in toxic behavior around relationships where actual attachments might form.

OP is clearly emotionally unavailable and unable to process positive emotions around positive sexual interactions in a healthy way.

For those of us with healthy attachment styles, self esteem, and emotional maturity.. it is easy to see the red flags from far away.

If I had sex with a man and he then blocked me. Then unblocked me and called me I would not engage with him. I would consider him someone who doesn’t know how to treat
Ppl.

You don’t get a pass to be toxic. Go see a therapist like an adult and learn how to process your emotions in a healthy way that doesn’t involve hurting people.

I thought at first you were misunderstanding, but now it’s been explained and you’re digging your heels.

Op blocked the other person after he suddenly ended things. Totally normal reaction to being rejected.

You keep saying that they had sex and then OP blocked him, but that’s wrong!

I think you should block him and move on. No more texts trying to exain yourself. Stop beating yourself up over this. We all make mistakes and hindsight is a great thing.
Chalk it up to experience and next time just relax and enjoy someone's company.

@Bettysnow thank you

Are you 33 or 16?

Can I just remind PPs, not that it’s especially relevant, that the OP has not stated the sex of the individual she blocked. I very much get the feeling they might be female, but that’s still only a guess on my part.

@bcc89 that’s not really a helpful comment

"Mad the decision to block them based on the fact that I like them". Honestly it's like high school drama. Who has the time?

Yeah, you threw up a load of red flags and this person has no reason to give you the benefit of the doubt. I would be very freaked out by someone behaving as you have done.

Leave them alone and move on.

If you are regularly having these sort of reactions and choosing to act out in such ways I suggest you try and work on yourself or get support before getting involved with someone else.