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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn’t harassment

148 replies

missgraciea · 01/01/2022 13:49

Met someone, had sex, messages constantly for next 24 hours saw again 2 days later. No issues, nice chat, open conversations, got on well.
Made the decision to block them based on the fact that I liked them and was feeling v confused. They then blocked me. I then changed my mind and tried to contact saying we could be friends and if made a mistake - friend is what they had wanted. I sent 2 polite messages, left polite 2 voicemails. No response so left it.
About a week later unfortunately I saw them in a restaurant where they were the singer - absolutely had no idea they would be there. Didn’t talk, didn’t acknowledge as it seemed strange to reach out not hear, so to approach would be a little disrespectful so I kept myself to myself and didn’t really look over much.
Now - week later they have unblocked contacted with a long message I’m being accused of harassment and turning up to intimidate and being told I’ll be reported to the police. The message also said they want to be amicable. I have replied politely but now I’ve started to get very upset as I don’t believe I harassed anyone and wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.
I’m wondering if I should contact the police and explain? As I feel I’m going to get report for doing things I haven’t done?

OP posts:
Georgeskitchen · 01/01/2022 15:32

I doubt he will report to the police and if he does I doubt they would be interested in 3 or 4 unthreatening messages and you turning up at a place you didn't know he would be. Block him and move on is my suggestion

SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 15:40

Can I ask you a question OP, respectfully? Do you have BPD/EUPD?

I was friendly with/seeing a woman who has BPD whose behaviour was very similar, that’s why I ask. I had to call a stop to it in the end because the constant push pull was too much to deal with. She hurt me a lot and left me feeling incredibly upset and confused, and while I don’t think she’s a bad person, or that she deliberately wanted to hurt me, her emotions were just so intense and erratic that her behaviour was too difficult and damaging for me to cope with.

CaptainMyCaptain · 01/01/2022 15:43

@Thehop

It’s all very weird.

Block and delete and try to forget it all.

Whoever is in the wrong it's not going well so do this and cease all contact now.
Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 15:46

@SuspiciousHumanoid no I don’t have any kind of disorder.

OP posts:
SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 15:52

Ok, it just crossed my mind is all. No offence was intended. I hope none has been taken.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 15:56

@SuspiciousHumanoid no none at all, I’m aware that I’ve acted erratically and it could match some of those kinds of profiles in this instance. I’m just struggling is all and not trying to make that an excuse as it’s been clear from this thread that there’s no excuse for how I’ve behaved

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/01/2022 15:59

I honestly thought this was a reverse Confused

I also wondered if you had some sort of disorder...and I'm saying that with kindness.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 16:04

@Comedycook what do you mean by a reverse? Sorry I don’t get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 16:05

@Comedycook maybe I do, I’m sure lots of people have all kinds of undiagnosed stuff going on.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 01/01/2022 16:07

[quote missgraciea]@Comedycook what do you mean by a reverse? Sorry I don’t get it.[/quote]
It's a thing some posters do where they post as the other person in the situation to see if people are more likely to agree if hearing the other person's side.

So for example...if my mother in law said my food tasted disgusting and I wanted opinions, I would post pretending to be my mother in law saying I told my daughter in law I didn't like her food, was I unreasonable?

Hope that explains it!

SilverPeacock · 01/01/2022 16:07

Just leave it well alone now OP and try not to ruminate on it as it won't do you any good. It's the only thing you can do now. Forget it and move on.

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 16:08

Can we stop trying to diagnose the OP?
There are people with the disorders who wouldn't behave this way.

It was poor judgment on OP's part.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 16:10

@Comedycook oh right ok thank you - no not a reverse

OP posts:
SuspiciousHumanoid · 01/01/2022 16:10

I was not trying to diagnose the OP with anything, I was simply asking the question, which the OP answered and I accepted without further comment.

CandyLeBonBon · 01/01/2022 16:12

It comes across very self absorbed - like those who refer to themselves as 'empaths' and who claim to feel things in ways others can't possibly understand. It sounds a bit toxic and intense, and I'm not surprised this person would prefer to be left alone.

Perhaps chalk it up to experience and recognise you might need to work on some stuff before you embark on dating? I hope you're ok.

Snowisfalling33 · 01/01/2022 16:12

The key point here seems to be that you had a lovely time then suddenly, randomly blocked them with no explanation.
Everything else you did was trying to make up for inexplicably blocking somebody when it was going well.

Firstly, let this one go...you are not going to make them like you again so leave them alone.
Second, before you try to date again you need to have a long, hard look at why you suddenly blocked them like you did.
I've noticed some Mumsnetters are awfully keen to block somebody for a perceived injustice but more often than not communicating and bringing things to an amicable end would be a far better course of action.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2022 16:16

I agree it is best to leave it.

I don't think the police will care.

But I can see why sending four messages when these weren't being responded to and then showing up to someone's workplace could make someone feel harassed. Why on earth didn't you leave when you saw it was their venue? You must have known by that point that they didn't want contact.

FOJN · 01/01/2022 16:30

I think that for whatever reason I feel things more deeply than other people

You cannot possibly know the depth of other people's emotions so please do not use this as an excuse for failing to manage your behaviour in response to your feelings. Someone so deeply sensitive might also be expected to exhibit a more evolved level of empathy.

I think you need to draw a line under it and move on. Any contact to explain yourself will probably make things worse.

youkiddingme · 01/01/2022 16:37

Let's just say, that in the very worst case scenario he did report you to the police. They would have to look at the evidence. The messages don't sound creepy and dangerous they sound like someone handling a date a bit erratically. Not great, but human. I'm assuming there were other people at the restaurant who would have seen you eating a meal, possibly looking embarrassed, but not brandishing the bread knife at him.
I very much doubt he will call the police, but if he did I doubt anything more than a word to the wise would be in order.
Chances are he knows he's put the wind up you because you annoyed him and that's the end of it.
Just don't make it worse by making further contact to try and fix it.

eagerlywaitingfor · 01/01/2022 16:42

You can't be a performer in a public place and then accuse people of stalking you if they turn up without even knowing you'd be there. It's not as if you tried to talk to him after he'd finished his set.

Just forget all about it. The police won't be interested.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2022 16:45

I think that for whatever reason I feel things more deeply than other people

None of us know how other people experience their emotions. Often when people say they feel things more deeply they mean that they find it harder to regulate their emotions e.g. to comfort themself and calm down when angry or upset, so they stay angry or upset for longer than others. There are lots of reasons people struggle with emotional regulation, but it is absolutely something you can learn and get better at. Have a google and you will find lots of examples.

Echobelly · 01/01/2022 16:47

Agree with others, put it behind you, move on. Nothing will happen with the police even if they did contact them. I know what it's like to worry that some person thinks badly of you, even if it's a person you'll never see again and to want to 'fix it' somehow but it's not worth it, and you may just have to put up with someone on this earth having got the wrong impression of you that they probably forget about soon and wouldn't recognise you if they saw you in the street a few months later. Sometimes we screw up and just have to suck that up.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 01/01/2022 16:51

@eagerlywaitingfor

You can't be a performer in a public place and then accuse people of stalking you if they turn up without even knowing you'd be there. It's not as if you tried to talk to him after he'd finished his set.

Just forget all about it. The police won't be interested.

Even people who work in a public facing role or as a performed are entitled to protection from harassment.

That person did not have an insight into the OP's mind. All they know is there has been erratic behaviour, then messages and voicemails which they have ignored and then they see the OP watching them perform. That looks like a pattern of escalating behaviour. If that person had come onto mumsnet and said, "I started seeing this person, they've been nahving erratically with blocking, unblocking, messaging and then moving to voicemails and now they've turned up at my work," what would your reply be?

That person would be told to he very careful, give them a final warning to back the hell off and if they dont, then go to the police.

The OP can prove her intentions to the police. But the victim of her erratic behaviour isnt in the wrong here and just because they are a performer, does not mean that erratic behaviour and turning up at their place of work should be ignored.

Bananarama21 · 01/01/2022 17:00

Strange behaviour

RobotValkyrie · 01/01/2022 17:03

Take it easy OP. You panicked and made a few mistakes. It happens.
Now calm down and take a few steps back.

Best you can do right now is take your time, and give yourself some space.
Don't overthink things. Avoid acting on impulse. Doing nothing can be the best strategy.

You meant no harm. But you acted weird.
Don't act weirder still to try and justify yourself.
You will be fine. No need to go and involve the police. Just try and avoid that person. Forget about them. They don't sound that kind themselves, to be honest.

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