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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this isn’t harassment

148 replies

missgraciea · 01/01/2022 13:49

Met someone, had sex, messages constantly for next 24 hours saw again 2 days later. No issues, nice chat, open conversations, got on well.
Made the decision to block them based on the fact that I liked them and was feeling v confused. They then blocked me. I then changed my mind and tried to contact saying we could be friends and if made a mistake - friend is what they had wanted. I sent 2 polite messages, left polite 2 voicemails. No response so left it.
About a week later unfortunately I saw them in a restaurant where they were the singer - absolutely had no idea they would be there. Didn’t talk, didn’t acknowledge as it seemed strange to reach out not hear, so to approach would be a little disrespectful so I kept myself to myself and didn’t really look over much.
Now - week later they have unblocked contacted with a long message I’m being accused of harassment and turning up to intimidate and being told I’ll be reported to the police. The message also said they want to be amicable. I have replied politely but now I’ve started to get very upset as I don’t believe I harassed anyone and wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that.
I’m wondering if I should contact the police and explain? As I feel I’m going to get report for doing things I haven’t done?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 01/01/2022 17:04

First off, delete their details and never try to contact them again.

Then try to find appropriate therapy to help you because what you describe doing is problematic at best.

steff13 · 01/01/2022 17:08

[quote missgraciea]@girlmom21 I didn’t know they were going to be there...[/quote]
Yeah, but how are they to know that? Look at it from their POV; someone messages you and you don't respond. They call you and you don't respond. Then they show up where you are singing(?). It wouldn't really feel like a coincidence, would it?

Marmelace · 01/01/2022 17:11

I bet you blocked them because they hadn't contacted you and then unblocked them to see if they had.

slashlover · 01/01/2022 17:12

OP imagine this.

You have a ONS, meet up two days later and have a nice chat. That person blocks you for no reason so you block them too.
They then call you and leave voicemails.
A week later they turn up at your work and don't even attempt to say Hello.

You'd be a little worried and a woman who wrote that on here would be told to be very wary and take precautions.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 01/01/2022 17:13

@eagerlywaitingfor

You can't be a performer in a public place and then accuse people of stalking you if they turn up without even knowing you'd be there. It's not as if you tried to talk to him after he'd finished his set.

Just forget all about it. The police won't be interested.

Of course you can Hmm

Being a public figure doesn't mean you're immune from harassment or feeling stalked. The performer only has OP's word that she was there by sheer coincidence - after the texts and voicemails, it's not surprising that they don't believe her.

Lollipopslollypop · 01/01/2022 17:13

Met someone, had sex, messages constantly for next 24 hours saw again 2 days later. No issues, nice chat, open conversations, got on well.
Made the decision to block them based on the fact that I liked them and was feeling v confused

So you had sex with them before you had an established romantic relationship and then after they didn't want a romantic relationship, is that correct? Sex can confuse things for some people, I would really wait next time OP. Forget about this person, you've explained yourself, now leave it and put it down to experience.

bubblesbubbles11 · 01/01/2022 17:14

I am right in thinking that once you block someone any messages they send just go into the ether and even if you unblock them you cannot then see any retrospective messages they sent?

So what is the point in unblocking them to see if they contacted you - you have no way of knowing whether they did try to contact you when they were blocked.

skybluee · 01/01/2022 17:19

When you say "friend is what they had wanted" - had they said this when you met the second time and had conversations and that's why you blocked them (because you liked them and couldn't deal with it/felt confused)?

Either way, I don't think you will get in trouble with the police for four messages.

Snoopfroggyfrogg · 01/01/2022 17:20

The OP is confusing but if I understand correctly, I think the person wanted to just be friends after sleeping together. OP was starting to feel more towards them, so blocked them to try and avoid getting too attached. She then tried to pull it back, accepting their offer of friendship but it was too late, they had drawn a line under things.

OP, if you're being honest with us about what happened in the restaurant (I.e. there was no staring, 'accidentally' bumping into them every time they went to the loo or anything), then it doesn't sound like you've done anything terrible, just got a bit intense with your messaging after they'd shown they were no longer interested by not replying. I'm only saying that as they mentioned intimidation.

You've now responded to their message, explained that it was a coincidence so now you just need to leave things and chalk this one up as a 'how not to handle things next time' experience. Don't go to the police, and don't contact this person again.

As PPs say, start taking responsibility for your behaviours, this is not society's fault, or due to you feeling things more. If you'd wanted to either be friends or end things on a civil note, you should have said so, and not blocked this person then started messaging repeatedly. I'm saying this with kindness, a relationship of mine recently ended (partly) because I approached an issue wrongly so it's an ongoing learning process, we just have to accept our mistakes in order to learn from them.

Cuddlemuffin · 01/01/2022 17:21

Write this one off OP. It didn't work out and you should bother draw a line under I. And move on. Is this a one off for you or have previous relationships had similar outcomes? I only ask because if you repeatedly have negative outcomes in relationships due to your actions based on your emotions, then counseling could really help you. I don't think you've done anything terrible here but you're clearly not happy with how it's all turned out x

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:25

@bubblesbubbles11 yes that’s what would happen with blocking, I blocked first on just impulse and emotion and then unblocked again - I wouldn’t have been able to see anything that was sent if there was anything

OP posts:
Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:27

@skybluee yes that’s what happened, I didn’t express how I felt really as it seemed a little silly considering it was a ONS but it did feel more than that to me and then maybe that where my problems lies. They were very much like ‘I want you as a friend we click, we can go shopping/coffee/walks etc etc’ and I was very confused in that and how I was feeling and then on reflection I changed my mind because they would be a really nice friend to have

OP posts:
Waspsarearseholes · 01/01/2022 17:28

You have behaved very strangely and may well have made the other person feel unsettled. At best, it would come across as mind games and at worst, yes, almost stalking. What did you expect them to think of your odd behaviour? You say you're 'all over the place' and 'feel things more strongly' than others but that's just an attempt to excuse your behaviour. If you're so aware of your strong feelings how can you be so unaware of the feelings of others? Own it, accept that you cocked this one up then made it worse, and then move on. This person doesn't want a relationship or friendship with you, and it was strange to contact them so much after you hurt them by blocking them after what they probably thought was a nice time with you. It all just sounds like one giant head fuck that they're probably glad to be out of.

Bagamoyo1 · 01/01/2022 17:28

As a general rule of thumb, if you’re dating, and you meet someone you like and get on well with, you shouldn’t block them. It doesn’t really achieve much.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:29

@Snoopfroggyfrogg I am being completely honest about the restaurant it was sheer coincidence and I was mortified. I didn’t approach it even look in the direction and was apparently unfriendly but it didn’t seem right to approach considering everything

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 01/01/2022 17:30

Yeah I don't get why you blocked them. I reckon I'd think you were too much like hard work at such an early stage.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:31

@Cuddlemuffin no, this has never happened to before, I’ve never acted like this before or sent more than one message when I haven’t heard back from someone. I’m not sure why I feel like this about them. It’s left me confused and embarrassed as I know that my behaviour doesn’t look good compounded with the restaurant thing and I’m just panicking about the threats of police because i am fully aware of how this could look

OP posts:
ldontWanna · 01/01/2022 17:34

[quote missgraciea]@Cuddlemuffin no, this has never happened to before, I’ve never acted like this before or sent more than one message when I haven’t heard back from someone. I’m not sure why I feel like this about them. It’s left me confused and embarrassed as I know that my behaviour doesn’t look good compounded with the restaurant thing and I’m just panicking about the threats of police because i am fully aware of how this could look[/quote]
Could it have to do with the fact that your feelings were too intense too soon and that freaked you out? Possibly some subconscious self judgement about the sex and how it happened too?

MissNothing1991 · 01/01/2022 17:35

[quote missgraciea]@skybluee yes that’s what happened, I didn’t express how I felt really as it seemed a little silly considering it was a ONS but it did feel more than that to me and then maybe that where my problems lies. They were very much like ‘I want you as a friend we click, we can go shopping/coffee/walks etc etc’ and I was very confused in that and how I was feeling and then on reflection I changed my mind because they would be a really nice friend to have[/quote]
If it was a ONS, I'd seriously be concerned as to how obsessed you got afterwards.

Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:37

@IdontWanna I think yes my feelings were really intense very quickly and it was scary at the time, on the evening of the ONS I actually said to them ‘I could easily get feelings for you’ and they replied ‘I could for you too’ so the whole thing was just a lot I suppose

OP posts:
Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:38

@MissNothing1991 yeah I understand that

OP posts:
Original poster
missgraciea · 01/01/2022 17:44

@RobotValkyrie thank you for that response

OP posts:
Snoopfroggyfrogg · 01/01/2022 17:50

[quote missgraciea]@Snoopfroggyfrogg I am being completely honest about the restaurant it was sheer coincidence and I was mortified. I didn’t approach it even look in the direction and was apparently unfriendly but it didn’t seem right to approach considering everything[/quote]
I don't think you've anything to worry about then. Their lack of a reply led you to understand they didn't want to talk to you so you gave them a wide berth. Granted, I can see why they might've been puzzled by the whole interaction but they can't really complain both that you turned up and didn't approach them to be friendly if they had ignored all of your messages.

Was it a really strange coincidence you were at the same restaurant (I.e. it's 300 miles away) or is it local? Theres nothing for them to really report if you just happened to turn up somewhere local then kept your distance.

QueenofDestruction · 01/01/2022 17:50

How does anyone how deeply they feel in comparison to others, this statement is quite narcissistic. Perhaps others simply have more mature ways 8f dealing with their emotions.

1forAll74 · 01/01/2022 17:52

Odd behaviour from a mature woman., such nonsense.