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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect an apology

123 replies

halftorn · 01/01/2022 12:58

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

OP posts:
Dresslover1950s · 01/01/2022 13:00

He is a childish twat kick it out

Dresslover1950s · 01/01/2022 13:01

From what I’ve read you’ve done nothing wrong don’t put up with it pack his bin liner

Workyticket · 01/01/2022 13:02

You tread on eggshells the entire night for that twat, that's no life.

You bought, you cooked, you washed up, you tiptoed round him... All this 'very gently' stuff isn't normal in relationships and you need to sack him off rather than wait for an apology.

SpindleSpangle · 01/01/2022 13:03

Well yes I agree with you that the relationship is doomed.

Who lives with who - i.e. whose name(s) are on the tenancy / deeds?

PAFMO · 01/01/2022 13:04

There's a whole list of nasty things there in one evening.
You don't deserve an apology. You deserve a better life.
And remember that what's said and done when drunk has been thought beforehand.
Get rid. Flowers

Sparklesocks · 01/01/2022 13:06

So he runs out of cash and expects you to buy him more booze.
He doesn’t really do washing up.
He tells you you ruined new year because you didn’t tell him to turn on the telly at the right time.
He refused to turn over a film you don’t like.
Then he called you a bitch, slammed the door and now is giving you the silent treatment.

What on Earth do you get out of being with such a manbaby?

PhoenixReincarnated · 01/01/2022 13:06

The only advice I have to give is to leave now and don't wait for the end of the month. Life's precious don't waste another second on this man.

user1493494961 · 01/01/2022 13:07

I think you should say that you're leaving him at the end of the month.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 01/01/2022 13:07

I was coming on to say the same thing about how it sounds like you were walking on eggshells, trying to appease him.
Don't worry about why he seems angry with you, if that is possible.
Instead, try and work out how to get from leaving him if he doesn't get it together, to making a firmer plan to leave and working towards it.
This is no way to live, honestly.

Justmuddlingalong · 01/01/2022 13:07

"What should I say to him?"
"I'm starting the new year as I mean to go on. Please collect your belongings and vacate the premises."

Howshouldibehave · 01/01/2022 13:09

What should I say to him?

Our relationship is over.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 01/01/2022 13:10

He sounds like a child. He asked you to pay for drinks he couldn’t afford and then didn’t finish them, you made dinner but also had to do the washing up and sounds like you generally pick up after him, he threw a tantrum when you didn’t want to watch what he did then ended it by being verbally abusive. It doesn’t sound sustainable in the long run and he’s showing you the red flags. Take the hint.

Are there good things about him/your relationship?

neverbeenskiing · 01/01/2022 13:11

The extent to which you seem to tiptoe around him isn't normal and tells me this probably isn't the first time he's had one too many and flown off the handle about something trivial.

phishy · 01/01/2022 13:13

Why are you running around and washing up after this useless man child?

LagunaBubbles · 01/01/2022 13:16

Why it's all about him having a nice time, what about yourself.

AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 13:19

It's over and time to leave, you can do it. You know it. That whole thing sounded ridiculous and irritating - I had those booze induced meltdowns in my late teens/early twenties - I'm now ashamed of them.

There comes a point where it's not something to laugh about the next day and brush over as a 'silly row'. Drunk pathetic and nasty/irrational behaviour is unacceptable and avoidable. That's the only way in which you're being unreasonable, to yourself, you deserve more than a weak hug and apology/laugh it off outcome.

You've said it's been rocky and if it's anything similar to that, there's nothing fulfilling about living with a very, very selfish man.

Whitefire · 01/01/2022 13:20

From a practical pov what is involved in splitting up, because that is what you need to do in the long term. His apologies will be hollow, don't wait for that for everything to be magically right again.

Potatodrivers · 01/01/2022 13:20

Why is it all about him and his needs/wants?
You matter too!

Id tell him it was over. Yanbu. He is taking the piss.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/01/2022 13:21

I wouldnt say anything to him. Just leave. You can't talk someone out of being a dickhead. If you need to say anything I'd just say that last night you did everything he wanted,
Went where he wanted
Bought drinks he wanted
Left when he wanted even though youd just bought the drinks
Cooked what he wanted
Done his share of the washing up
Watched a film that he wanted

And because you took a few minutes of the night to do something that you wanted, and said you didn't want to sit through a film that he knows you don't like, you got sworn at and ignored. This relationship is not equal, you do everything that he wants and when you try and make it more equal by occasionally doing something you want, you get aggression and petty games like ignoring. From now on you have had enough, you will be doing exactly what you want, just like him, and if he doesn't like it then he can leave

Loveisthere · 01/01/2022 13:21

Op this behaviour from him is disgusting you walk on eggshells because you dont want to upset him is that right? Well he certainly doesn't care about upsetting you last night or this morning. Why wait a month kick him out now he deserves it

NoSquirrels · 01/01/2022 13:24

What should you say to him?

I’d suggest nothing.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 01/01/2022 13:26

Why would you wait til the end of the month?

He called you a bitch after you put what you wanted behind his wants ALL night, and doing housework while he sat on his arse, and I’m going to guess this is all a fairly regular behaviour: he gets what he wants while you appease him, tiptoe to avoid setting him off, and excuse shite behaviour from him.

It’s been rocky for a while, and the ONLY thing you’re angry about in all of this is that he’s mad with you this morning? What about the rest of his nonsense?

So again: why wait til the end of the month?

Doggosaurus · 01/01/2022 13:31

Did your mum use to tiptoe around your dad, or where did you learn this behaviour out of interest?

MadinMarch · 01/01/2022 13:41

I mean this kindly, but you sound like a doormat.
And he sounds like a twat.
Do you really want to spend your life in this relationship?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 01/01/2022 13:44

Just tell him you are obviously incompatible - he won't be accepting he is a childish twat - and that 2022 is the year you go your separate ways..
Ltb.