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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect an apology

123 replies

halftorn · 01/01/2022 12:58

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

OP posts:
Doggosaurus · 01/01/2022 14:19

[quote halftorn]@Doggosaurus Yes, very much so. Far more than this, so I struggle to see clearly.[/quote]
@halftorn that’s what I suspected. But you need to be strong and break the cycle. You are not your mum.

You’re doing well op. You’ve already taken the first step, now keep walking. It’s easier to do it straight away now that you’re angry. Just tell him that you don’t accept his behaviour and want him gone.

Bonbon21 · 01/01/2022 14:24

Not sure why you are waiting til the end of the month to be honest....

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 14:25

I wouldn't wait until the end of the month. Even if he apologised. I'd tell him to leave today.

He can't afford to pay his way but insists on more drinks. He's lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate and plain nasty. What's the point?

Sheldonesquey · 01/01/2022 14:26

“What should you say to him?”

Please leave.

That ought to be enough.

Mix56 · 01/01/2022 14:29

"You don't deserve an apology. You deserve a better life."
He sounds like an entitled prick, new year, new life...

rainbowstardrops · 01/01/2022 14:29

I'd have been furious with him wasting 90% of a bottle of wine, let alone the other childish behaviour!
Is he worth the aggro?

Snorkmaidenn · 01/01/2022 14:31

What attracted you to him in the first place?

Get everything sorted in your head and offski.

Next home, treat yourself to a dishwasher.

Best wishes

Velvetbee · 01/01/2022 14:31

You deserve so much better than this.

AsymQuestion · 01/01/2022 14:33

[quote halftorn]@MadinMarch Oddly I'm less of a doormat than I used to be. Long way to go it seems.[/quote]
OP you are making progress, you wouldn't have recognised all of this shitty behaviour if you weren't, you can see it. Flowers

The use of the word 'doormat' can be jarring and make you feel like a real idiot, but people use it to hammer home to someone that they are being used and they deserve much much better.

It's a wake-up call word and sometimes we need them to make us feel uncomfortable, because it hits a nerve. I can remember feeling very irritated being called it, hurt. But it was true.

acatcalledjohn · 01/01/2022 14:34

I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Find your anger.

Crayfishforyou · 01/01/2022 14:38

Just tell him it’s over.
Done.

Doomscrolling · 01/01/2022 14:39

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month

YABU to condemn yourself to another 30 days of his nonsense.

Being on your own is a lot less lonely than being with someone who treats you badly then sulks all day.

halftorn · 01/01/2022 14:39

@Fetchthevet Thank you, happy New Year to you Smile

OP posts:
CharityDingle · 01/01/2022 14:39

@PhoenixReincarnated

The only advice I have to give is to leave now and don't wait for the end of the month. Life's precious don't waste another second on this man.
This. You're already walking on eggshells. He sounds boorish. Don't waste any more time with him.
2022success · 01/01/2022 14:40

What should I say to him?

Fuck off would be a start, but probably best to keep your dignity and quietly make practical plans so you can leave as soon as possible.

Shoxfordian · 01/01/2022 14:41

Tell him you’re done with his nonsense

Looubylou · 01/01/2022 14:41

So sorry you are experiencing this OP. It sounds like you feel able to leave, so go before you have been tied up financially for 30 years, or have children suffering as a result of his behaviour.

feistymumma · 01/01/2022 14:43

What are you actually benefiting from this relationship? He seems so entitled. Get rid

MadinMarch · 01/01/2022 14:46

@halftorn
I really didn't intend to upset you with my doormat comment.
It was meant in the way @AsymQuestion explained it.
You really do deserve better than this relationship.

Poppinjay · 01/01/2022 14:46

What would be the point in an apology? He will not change.

He expects you to prioritise his wants and wishes over your needs and he abuses you, even when you work ridiculously hard to do this.

It feels like you're trying to work out what you can do to make things better. You can't. His behaviour is the problem and you won't make that better by trying harder to be what he wants. In fact, the harder you try, the more impossible his expectations of you will be for you to meet.

This is not you; it is him.

Please walk away now.

Lanique · 01/01/2022 14:50

Do you have kids? What is your living set-up? Would it be easy for you to leave? I don't normally say LTB op but I rarely hear of so much casual arrogance and entitlement. What exactly does he bring to the relationship?

StopStartStop · 01/01/2022 14:55

What should I say to him?

"Bye, mate."

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 15:01

@halftorn I have similar issues from the way I was brought up. It took counselling to see some of the patterns, and I still struggle sometimes. There's elements of control here, it seems to me. He wanted the bottle of fizz, that you had to pay for, so much that he drank 10% of it? He didn't want it that much then did he? Just you to pay for it, or show that he could get you to do his bidding. There's a few red flags waving for me here, sadly. Flowers

FinallyHere · 01/01/2022 15:02

or I'll leave him at the end of the month.

I wouldn't bother warning him. Or waiting til the end of the month. Once you wake up to just how bad his behaviour is, do you even want to breath the same oxygens?

Get get yourself together and rid yourself of him. Happy New Year.

Whatsdamatta · 01/01/2022 15:07

Yeah another vote for finishing it now. You sound nice and accommodating (try not to overdo it though!) - there’s someone better out there for you Smile

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