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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To expect an apology

123 replies

halftorn · 01/01/2022 12:58

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 01/01/2022 16:48

An apology wouldn't be enough to counter his poor behaviour last night. Honestly I'd rather be alone than put up with that shit.

halftorn · 01/01/2022 16:51

@SpongeBobJudgeyPants I hope you're happy now despite that. I've had therapy but likewise still struggle. I was going to book some more sessions but I think I need someone with experience of dysfunctional family dynamics to make it worthwhile, my last therapy sessions (pre covid) were really just about identifying the problems and not ways to respond to those things.

OP posts:
LowlandLucky · 01/01/2022 16:56

If you want next NYE and every day in between to be rotten, stay, if you want a decent life, leave. Your choice.

flashy44 · 01/01/2022 16:59

Tell the child man to FUCK OFF.Why are you pandering to his childishness,also let the toad wash the numerous glasses he needs for his same drink

Bellyups · 01/01/2022 17:01

Well he’s a bit of a cunt isn’t he.

Stop running around after him, stop letting him get away with it, and get rid

Starlightstarbright1 · 01/01/2022 17:06

You deserve better.... thats it.. you bent over backwards and are worried upsetting the applecart...

He has manipulated you to respond this way..

He will switch his behaviour to get you back in line.

Clarice99 · 01/01/2022 17:09

He's an absolute tosser. Why on earth are you putting up with this man child? An apology for his pathetic tantrum is not what you need. You should be packing his bags and telling him to fuck off.

If he's behaving like this now, imagine your life in 20 years!!

IrishMumInLondon2020 · 01/01/2022 17:11

Another charmer. MN is full of posters with useless layabout men in their lives. Kick him to the kerb and be glad you’re not married to this waste of space.

Tinsellittis · 01/01/2022 17:14

@user1493494961

I think you should say that you're leaving him at the end of the month.
Preferably sooner
DowntonCrabby · 01/01/2022 17:18

Do you really want a lifetime with someone you have to constantly assert your very reasonable boundaries with? You deserve better OP Flowers

1forAll74 · 01/01/2022 17:19

He sounds very childish and immature,, but surely you don't have to end things because he went in a strop on New years eve.. The booze may have affected his brain, and made him angry, as it does with some people.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 01/01/2022 17:21

@halftorn I am, thanks for asking. You can be too. It took me a while, I'm quite long in the tooth now, but much clearer about boundaries. You can be happy too, and I hope you will be Flowers

Gilda152 · 01/01/2022 17:25

@halftorn

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

What should say to him is: From my point of view last night went like this (quote your above text) how did it go from your point of view?

If he's willing to share his point of view with you calmly and you can discuss it in an adult way - great there's hope of a way forward.

If not. I guess it's over at the end of the month.

Shinyflecks · 01/01/2022 17:28

He’s using you. I’m sorry - it sounds like he doesn’t love or respect you. Dump in and empower yourself.

Kanaloa · 01/01/2022 17:30

@1forAll74

He sounds very childish and immature,, but surely you don't have to end things because he went in a strop on New years eve.. The booze may have affected his brain, and made him angry, as it does with some people.
I hate this point of view. If booze affects your brain and ‘makes you angry’ you need to stop drinking entirely.

This ‘oh he was drunk so you need to accept that he didn’t mean it’ is incredibly damaging and excuses a wealth of disgusting behaviour.

If you can’t control your behaviour when you drink then you need to stop, not expect your partner to put up with abuse.

HereticFanjo · 01/01/2022 17:34

He sounds horrible. Onwards and upwards OP.

violetbunny · 01/01/2022 17:37

OP, have you also considered doing the Freedom Programme? It's clear from your posts you have issues with boundaries, this man just walked all over you. It sounds like you could do with some help in spotting the red flags in relationships in future.

girlmom21 · 01/01/2022 17:40

@1forAll74

He sounds very childish and immature,, but surely you don't have to end things because he went in a strop on New years eve.. The booze may have affected his brain, and made him angry, as it does with some people.
What about him still stropping today? Or being a lazy arse and doing nothing at home? Or expecting her to fund his drinking?
PurpleMauve · 01/01/2022 17:59

No one should have to put up with this type of behaviour. Do not wait until the end of the month. Leave ASAP. Be thankful you are not married and do not have children together.
Personally, I wouldn’t say anything to him. Just get prepared and leave. He’ll know why you’re leaving.

Do you need to leave? You haven’t answered questions about the tenancy?

Try a different Therapist/Counsellor and ensure you focus on establishing healthy boundaries. Wishing you a better year/future 💐

outofthefog.website/

thepeopleversuswork · 01/01/2022 18:04

Fuck him off. No explanation needed. Life is too short to tiptoe around a baby.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 01/01/2022 18:12

I chose YABU because you sound like a doormat. Washing up, watching films you don’t want to watch, wasting money on bottles of wine, saying everything ‘nicely’, wanting to laugh off being called a bitch etc. The both of you have issues you need to deal with. You both need to work on yourselves. Him for acting like a spoilt baby and you for being a doormat.

stupiduser · 01/01/2022 18:42

Please leave this man before there is my chance of children being involved. He is making you walk on egg shells now, how will you feel if he treats children badly or they spend their life in constant alert for his feelings.

Faretheewellmyfairyfay · 01/01/2022 19:24

I have voted YABU just because you are over-analysing what is obviously an unpleasant man being horrid and controlling (not compromising, while you did a lot) and ruining your evening and you know deep down YWNBU. WTF doesn't he wash up? Or at least thank you for it properly every time you do it and do another onerous household job for you both, instead? Is there any sign of a major work, health, family or money thing bothering him - people can change their behaviour when they are extremely stressed and hiding something, not that it's really an excuse.

From what you said it's not the above, and as you are willing and able to leave at the end of the month, do that. HWBVU last night, for sure.

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