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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect an apology

123 replies

halftorn · 01/01/2022 12:58

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

OP posts:
CheshireKitten123 · 01/01/2022 15:21

What should I say to him?

One of us needs to leave.

Hawkins001 · 01/01/2022 15:22

@halftorn

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

Sounds like he needs to reflect and realise his behaviour was out of order.
Hawkins001 · 01/01/2022 15:22

He should of apologised first and foremost

CheshireKitten123 · 01/01/2022 15:25

@Shedmistress

What should I say to him?

Whose house is it?
If it is yours then 'fuck off'.
If his 'Fuck this i'm out of here'.

Neat !
Mydogmylife · 01/01/2022 15:29

@halftorn

Last night my partner and I went out for drinks early doors, intending to be home before things got too crazy out and about.

We went somewhere very local to where we live, so not a big walk home. At this point partner started saying we should have more drinks, he was out of money so I had to pay.

I wasn't bothered about drinking more out really but I wanted him to have a good time so bought what he asked for. We ended up leaving quite a bit of this untouched as he wanted to go. As much as that was a waste of money I bit my tongue in the interest of a nice evening. It was a 90% full bottle of fizzy wine that we left and there were some student aged people on the next table who asked if they could have it and I obviously said yes as otherwise it would have been wasted.

We went home and on the way he was clearly more tipsy than I thought. I had food ready for us at home, which we had and he was very happy with. We then watched a film of his choice. Again, all good.

As the regular TV countdown started I was in and out of the kitchen doing a small bit of washing up here and there. He rarely washes anything up so I find if I don't have something soaking and something drying all the time it gets stacked up. He is the main culprit for this because he uses every utensil, plate and pan going and has a different glass for every drink even if it's the same drink. I wasn't complaining about that, I just needed to do literally 3 minutes of washing up so something was drying and things keep moving.

Very close to midnight people started setting off fireworks near to a big landmark we live by and I went outside to look at them. They were the really big ones and honestly after a terrible year they just captivated me. Partner turned on the official fireworks in London thing and I walked in and out looking at that, nipping out to see the actual local fireworks as did he.

He started to turn at this point and said I should have watched the whole of the TV fireworks, even though he hadn't done that himself. He started implying that I'd ruined NYE.

He then wanted to watch 4 weddings and a funeral, a film I really don't like. He hasn't seen it. I VERY gently said I've seen it and it isn't something I really want to see again and he started raving that he wanted to see it. I (nicely) said, OK, let's watch this then.

He called me a bitch and went to bed, slamming the bedroom door.

That's not my aibu.

My aibu is that this morning I expected him to apologize, chalk his behavior up to too much booze, give me a hug and laugh it off as a silly row. The thing is he is totally furious with me. He's currently ignoring me.

We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me.

Please don't be too harsh to me, I'm at a real low point. What should I say to him?

How about ' fuck off '
LuluBlakey1 · 01/01/2022 15:29

He sounds totally selfish and unpleasant. Why are you waiting until the end of the month? You deserve someone much nicer.
I wouldn't want an apology- I'd just want to see the back of him disappearing into the distance and never see or hear or think about him again.

PersonaNonGarter · 01/01/2022 15:45

YABU to expect anything.

Georgeskitchen · 01/01/2022 15:48

He sounds a bellend. I would dump him

billy1966 · 01/01/2022 15:51

For goodness sake take the excellent advice above and place some value on this one life you have.

You didn't have a great childhood, have a better adulthood.

Step one, dump this loser.

Flowers
WhereYouLeftIt · 01/01/2022 16:02

"We have been rocky for a bit and I just want to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him at the end of the month. I'm not angry, I just can't see how he can be angry with me."

I was not surprised to read that it's been rocky for a bit (quite a long bit?) because you were walking on eggshells and appeasing him the whole night. It concerns me that you're not angry. Anger would be a rational response to his behaviour. I suspect you're too worn down by himSad.

Personally I wouldn't bother "to tell him to get it together or I'll leave him", because I think we both know already that he won't get it together, don't we ((hug))? Nor should you wait until the end of the month. Just leave, as soon as you can. If you have somewhere to go, go today. Don't cling onto the unrealistic hope that your words would have any effect. He'd just respond in a way that will make you feel even lower than you feel already. Don't give him the chance, just leave.

Original poster
halftorn · 01/01/2022 16:04

@AsymQuestion Thanks for your understanding. Doormat does have an impact because it implies that you sort of embrace your own destruction, if that makes sense. It's true, but it's hard, very different to making a mistake or something like that. I posted because I seriously thought maybe me walking in and out during the fireworks was a nasty thing to do. The kitchen/living room and outside are all very close so it's not like I was out of earshot even.

I've learned so much about boundaries over the years and sometimes like now just reading my op back I realize that I'm still so far behind.

OP posts:
thetinsoldier · 01/01/2022 16:06

Sweetheart, everything you did last night was about him and about keeping him happy. Nothing you did was wrong or unreasonable at all.

From what you've said, he's a nasty bastard and I'd be ending things.

Controlling, sulking, crap around the house, angry - no thank you.

You deserve so much more.

Kanaloa · 01/01/2022 16:13

Why are you making a martyr of yourself? Tip toeing round ‘very gently’ saying you don’t want to watch a film you don’t like? Quietly washing everything up while he makes a mess like a doormat? Paying for drink he then leaves?

Just chuck him. There’s plenty of more pleasant lazy freeloaders out there, I assure you.

Kanaloa · 01/01/2022 16:14

And I do think (although this is all him being a dick) when you’re a doormat you need to accept people will wipe their feet on you.

You can’t expect other people to do the right thing for you because too many people are just nasty arseholes. And if you allow people to treat you badly they will.

GCAcademic · 01/01/2022 16:20

YABU for thinking that an apology would make all this acceptable.

His behaviour today has, I hope, shown you that there is no real difference between the drunk and sober versions of your partner.

Prioritise yourself rather than a worthless pig. You’re falling over yourself to placate a man who has zero respect for you, and yet you are clearly the one who is worth much more. And don’t wait until the end of the month. He is hardly going to undergo a complete personality change in the space of 30 days.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/01/2022 16:27

i would personally tell him to fuck off and I'd be off to find a decent partner instead.

moremoony · 01/01/2022 16:27

What’s stopping you from ending the relationship today? Right now? Send him a text saying “I’ve had enough of your shitty behaviour. We’re finished. Please pack your bags and leave”

DisforDarkChocolate · 01/01/2022 16:30

Tell him to piss off. You deserve better than this.

cameocat · 01/01/2022 16:32

I don't know why you are giving him a month. You can do and deserve better than this Flowers

Whatafustercluck · 01/01/2022 16:34

"Laugh it off as a silly row" - except it wasn't a row, was it? Rows are two-sided. You did everything to keep him on side while he got everything he wanted.

Original poster
halftorn · 01/01/2022 16:35

@Snorkmaidenn I know it's a cliche but for the longest time he wasn't like this.

OP posts:
Tooshytoshine · 01/01/2022 16:37

He is a pig.

Have a lovely 2022 without him.

AutumnLeaves21 · 01/01/2022 16:39

You’re not angry OP but you should be. You should be angry he’s so disrespectful, inconsiderate and selfish towards you. It’s really worrying that you needed to tell him “very gently” that you didn’t want to watch a film, for fear of his reaction. That’s not normal and it’s no way to live.
I don’t throw around LTBs on here often but I really would question what you’re actually gaining from this relationship and the impact it’s having on your self esteem and mental health. Flowers take care.

Original poster
halftorn · 01/01/2022 16:43

@MadinMarch Please don't apologize, I didn't take it the wrong way or anything. It's true. I need to get much firmer on how I allow myself to be treated. I'm learning Japanese at the moment and to be honest that's actually easier than boundaries for me!

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 01/01/2022 16:48

You are far too nice OP and your partner is 100% taking advantage of that fact and has totally lost respect for you because of it too. Worse thing is you seem to have lost all respect for yourself also. You need to work on getting it back by taking make control. Give him that ultimatum and mean it!