To be sick and tired of tired of people telling others to leave there DHs over silly things.

[LurkersConfessions]

I’ve been lurking on here for a few weeks now reading posts I do enjoy it and find the advice very good. However I’m getting a bit sick and tired of some posters telling OPs to “LTB”, kick out or even divorce their DH over minor things. Like an OP complaining about their DH of 10+years saying a rude comment and some of the replies are saying the OP needs to get in contact with their divorce lawyers it’s getting a bit ridiculous.

To be fair it’s not exclusively MN I see it with so many other women giving relationship advice. They are so quick to tell others to leave their OH for doing what is sometimes minor actions but would never do the same the their own OH if they did the exact same thing.

@LurkersConfessions

I’m not gonna link the thread as I don’t want to single out people. There has been cases in which the OPs have said their OHs have told them to do something which we all agreed was just wrong, extremely rude and misogynistic however there was a few replies saying “LTB, “kick him out” etc. It could’ve been the first time their OH had said comments like this. I was thinking if some of those posters would leave their own DH if they said the same sort of thing.

If someone is the sort of person to make a rude, misogynistic comment to their partner, it’s unlikely to be the first time. In any event it won’t be the last. Holding views like that is a binary - you either do or you don’t. Doesn’t matter how often you manage to cover that up.

My dh is still drunk, infact i think he had wine/beer for breakfast. He's now away to bed. I'm now entertaining 3 out of 4 dc and a puppy.

He would be the absolute devil according to mn. I couldn't give a shiny shit, he's had a tough year and dd3 was chatting to him about his dm(died when he was 21) so he's a bit upset.

@LurkersConfessions

I’m not gonna link the thread as I don’t want to single out people. There has been cases in which the OPs have said their OHs have told them to do something which we all agreed was just wrong, extremely rude and misogynistic however there was a few replies saying “LTB, “kick him out” etc. It could’ve been the first time their OH had said comments like this. I was thinking if some of those posters would leave their own DH if they said the same sort of thing.

Well, supposing the OPs of those threads decided that whatever this mysterious thing was that totally happened by itself in a vacuum, it was enough to make them want to end the relationship and not be in it any more. What's the objection?

Most of the time, as the thread goes on, you find that the initial incident the OP posts about is just the tip of the iceberg. People in happy relationships don't tend to post about minor squabbles that aren't actually a serious problem. And then what usually happens is the OP tells us we've got it all wrong, he's lovely really and a great dad, and disappears. Until the next time.

I completely agree with this, however a lot of the time it will appear on the very first page of the post without any backstory being said.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing completely agree that for some who aren't brave enough to take action, it's a convenient narrative ''oh mumsnetters say ltb at the drop of a hat''.

Women in abusive relationships do enough of these mental gymnastics to rationalise staying in a shit relationship already, they don't need more rationalisations.

I know. I used to stay, paralysed, asking myself ''but who is really happy anyway?''

'''Do I have some right to be happy?''.
''were my grandparents happy?''
''Would I be jumping from the frying pan in to the fire if I left?''
''Would loneliness be worse than being shouted at and controlled?''
''Would poverty be any better than this?''

So. We are all primed to do what we're doing if we are surviving because that is the goal. Survival.

We have to break through that hardwiring to take a leap of faith and leave.

Anybody who thinks that that hardwiring can be over written by a poster on mumsnet saying ''ltb'' is delusional.

It's the posts that validate your experience, it's the posts that make you feel seen, heard, understood, believed. They're the posts that will help a woman make the right decision for her.

But some posters who deeeeeeep down know that their h is an abuser-lite, they are going to like/need the narrative that mumsnetters tell all women to ''ltb'' at the drop of a hat. That must be a narrative that soothes their doubts.

Far, far too many women tolerate and accept and reproduce with absolute trash and inflict traumatic childhoods on their kids. The only acceptable level or instance of abuse is zero

This is true but I don't think it's what OP means. There are loads of threads which get a lot of LTB/go NC/tell them to fuck off comments when the healthy, normal response would just be to speak to that person about your feelings.

At the same time the threads about women who are jealous get quite a lot of posters encouraging abusive and controlling behaviour towards the husband.

Anyone who actually acted on advice like that all the time would never be able to maintain any relationship.

I love my DH but he's a thoughtless turd sometimes. Like once he left my car in gear on the driveway and several posters said he was trying to kill me and I needed to divorce him. It wasn't even a thread about him doing it. Just an idle comment on somebody else's and everyone piled in.
I'm also a step mother and I'm frequently told that his ex divorced him for a reason, and I should too. I'm pregnant and because he was married before, I'm frequently referred to as a "breeder" because, sadly, only kiddos from the first marriage are real children and mine is just a "mistake". This one often actually makes me cry, I'm afraid. People don't realise how much their words hurt.

My DH and I had a row about Covid over Christmas and I was told to leave him immediately.

I don't need to leave my bastard but lots of women do and I do worry that it can dilute the point if we recommend it for every misdemeanour.

I think the posts that sum up what happened are the most helpful.

eg

''So when you'd never needed him more than you did the day of your father's funeral, he left you alone to go out drinking''.

Sometimes the OP might have written this in 800 words but I think it can be helpful to see the absolute crux of the situation summarised and through the lens of another woman with a higher standard.

And yes! There is nothing wrong with being made aware that some women won't put up with this!

I used to wonder ''why me?''

I actually did LTB after posting a mumsnet thread many years ago.

I was in an unhappy relationship with a financially and sexually abusive manchild. I felt trapped and depressed, but when I spoke to my real life friends about how I was feeling they just said non-committal things like "relationships are so hard" and "that doesn't sound good".

When I posted on AIBU about one shitty thing he'd done to me the post spiralled, got moved over to relationships, and I was almost universally advised to cut my losses and dump him. It kind of felt like I needed that permission to leave; that my relationship was 'bad enough'. I didnt have the confidence to act on my own feelings, and friends in real life didn't want to be blunt, but mumsnetters told me straight. That's exactly what I needed at that time.

So I'm a huge fan of LTB, everyone should do it!

@LurkersConfessions

Most of the time, as the thread goes on, you find that the initial incident the OP posts about is just the tip of the iceberg. People in happy relationships don't tend to post about minor squabbles that aren't actually a serious problem. And then what usually happens is the OP tells us we've got it all wrong, he's lovely really and a great dad, and disappears. Until the next time.

I completely agree with this, however a lot of the time it will appear on the very first page of the post without any backstory being said.

So what?

Honestly, so what?

Do you think a woman in a happy relationship will throw it all away because Woman1234 on Mumsnet said she should? When so many women stay forever with utter scumbags, making excuses for them and villainising anyone who sees them for what they are?

Do you think women aren't smart enough to know how they feel? That they're so weak and thick that they're chucking good men to the kerb because some anonymous MNers thought they should?

Same. Thank God I posted.

Mumsnet didn't TELL me what to do. It brought back to life the part of me he had consciously suppressed for his own convenience.

Nah. I have rarely seen an unwarranted LTB.

The reality is that the whole of society pressures women to put up with it, to compromise, to “make it work”. Often at the cost of their mental health and financial security.

A small handful of opinionated women -many of whom have been through awful relationships and can see how much happier they can be alone - is a useful corrective to this.

If it weren’t for LTB comments it would probably have taken me a lot longer to leave my abusive husband. And I am bloody grateful for it.

If you think the advice is wrong, then the solution is at your fingertips.

Post what you think is better advice on the thread in question.

And yes, absolutely @FlowerFlour they train you to believe that your account of the relationship being shit isn't reliable enough to act on.

The ONE place where you won't be told ''six of one, half a dozen of the other'' is so valuable.

LTB

There is a lot of advice on here that is designed to make women feel bad about their situation even if the probably would be happier if they LTB. This oh I feel sorry for your children. I find that genuinely upsetting to read. If you're in a situation which I have been where you genuinely have to leave then it takes absolutely everything you've got and I am still struggling to survive this. My ex isn't evil or even abusive but he made a series of extremely poor choices including an affair which wrecked our relationship beyond repair. I just had no idea how to fix it. The man he is now is a far easier person two years down the line. I do think people can change. A friend of mine, she discovered he'd husband had been unfaithful with many women. She chose to stay. They seem happy. Sometimes it does work out for the best.

The thing to bear in mind on here is you only ever get one side of the story.

You can read the situation outlined and say 'yeah leave them' but they're not there to defend themselves.

There's plenty of stories where the partner/husband is clearly an absolute shit and you wonder what they're doing with them in the first place.

YANBU, I've seen many a responses that default to LTB. In some cases it's justified but in others I don't think it's a good attitude to encourage others to just give up without working through their problems. No one is perfect and no relationship never has any problems. Its a bit ignorant to just say LTB without knowing the whole story.

I think some relatively small things are like the tip of the iceberg though .For example he never washes up.Becomes a bigger and bigger thing if you come home from work tired at the end of your shift, to start all over again.Many women may mete out this advice ,but the way society is arranged means that many women feel dependent in varying ways to their partner.Hopefully this will change gradually .Single Mums often seem to have the bulk of the care of DC as well . I always wonder if anyone does take this advice on board and how often

far too many women tolerate and accept and reproduce with absolute trash and inflict traumatic childhoods on their kids.

And you get the threads full of women saying how much they love bad boys. It's not so much fun though when they've got kids to them and they're still a dickhead and not grown out of it.

Society would be a lot better off if all these scumbags didn't reproduce, but there's always a willing woman.

@NowEvenBetter

*their husbands Nah. Far, far too many women tolerate and accept and reproduce with absolute trash and inflict traumatic childhoods on their kids. The only acceptable level or instance of abuse is zero . Plenty of intelligent women use this site and can see the red flags a mile off.

You trying to police them, or get women to tolerate any degree of shit behaviour from a man is terrible. No one is going to leave their abuser due to words on a screen, but it could plant the seeds to them raising their standards and giving their kids a better life. We can hope.

👏👏👏

Well said.

I wish I'd known about MN years ago when I was in the throes of a very abusive marriage. I did eventually leave (well, got him to) and I wouldn't have finished it on MN advice obviously but reading the insightful, powerful commentary from posters who understood coercion, control & emotional abuse might have got me asking questions sooner.

I honestly spent years thinking it was me. My marriage ended in 2013. It wasn't till 2017 when reading about it on MN, and then a newspaper article, that I even heard of gaslighting. I knew he used to make me feel crazy. And I cried and cried for hours at night wondering if I was crazy or how he could say & do what he did. It has been such a relief to find out, belatedly, that it was actually abuse.

Really?

Could you link some?

Only I've never actually seen a post where an op has described a 'silly', one off, unimportant incident in an otherwise happy, equal and loving relationship and been told to ltb

Oh, I tell a lie. There's the 'Been married 20 years and just found out my husband likes Bros, what do I do' joke threads. They get lots of ltb.

But not yet seen a 'my wonderful husband who contributes fairly in all ways, is hugely respectful and loving and has never let me down, said something unkind to me yesterday' threads with no updates from the op during the thread that describe times the husband she initially praised did in fact treat her or others like shit quite regularly that got a chorus of ltb,

But mn is a big place and I've possibly missed them so links would be helpful.

@NearlyAHoarder

You have nothing to worry about. By the time I posted a thread about my x who'd been abusive (financially, emotionally, verbally) for a good 5 years already, my denial was still not pierced.

I still thought that it was better to appear happy and normal than to be happy and sane.

So I posted a thread about him April 2007 and every single person (obviously) said leave, get away) and I did but not until July 2007. Which I know isn't fast enough for some posters!

But the notion that people are going to leave a partner because somebody online says leave him is ridiculous.

It takes a long long time for the denial and the anaesthetic that protects you on a day to day basis to wear off so that you have even moments of lucidity that allow you to see things for the shit show they really really are.

Women are so conditioned to be kind, work hard at their relationship, accept their loss of financial earnings, capability to save, their loss of respect in the relationship they're now stuck in because of their children, their loss of earnings, savings, and most of all, their loss of freedom that Thank Goodness there is ONE PLACE where the pendulum swings in the other direction and doesn't tell a woman to swallow back down her own need for freedom and respect.

What an excellent post. It resonates so much with me.

I'm glad things improved for you.

I was thinking if some of those posters would leave their own DH if they said the same sort of thing.

How about the shocking notion that some people are with men who wouldn’t say the same sort of thing at all?

that's the bench mark, when people post and say ''what you need to do is sit down and tell your h how much this is affecting you'' - then I know, they just have no idea what some women are enduring. NO IDEA.

Not every husband is open to hearing your experience. In some relationships (the ones women are miserable in, the ones women want to leave) there is one perspective; his.

You can't just ''sit down and talk' in every ''relationship'''. Because the other person likes the balance of power exactly how it is and will do anything to avoid a reasonable ''sit down and talk'' where they have to admit that they have more freedom, less responsibility. No. They will avoid a conversation at all costs, by shouting, pouting, sulking, deflecting, projecting, stonewalling, verbally abusing etc etc

The idea that somebody could come to mumsnet and post a long thread about their distress without having first tried to communicate that distress to their partner is so unlikely.

But posters do offer up the advice ''what you need to do is calmly sit down with him and let him know how you feel''.