To be sick and tired of tired of people telling others to leave there DHs over silly things.

[LurkersConfessions]

I’ve been lurking on here for a few weeks now reading posts I do enjoy it and find the advice very good. However I’m getting a bit sick and tired of some posters telling OPs to “LTB”, kick out or even divorce their DH over minor things. Like an OP complaining about their DH of 10+years saying a rude comment and some of the replies are saying the OP needs to get in contact with their divorce lawyers it’s getting a bit ridiculous.

To be fair it’s not exclusively MN I see it with so many other women giving relationship advice. They are so quick to tell others to leave their OH for doing what is sometimes minor actions but would never do the same the their own OH if they did the exact same thing.

Most women stay with their truly awful partners, so I wouldn't worry too much. Nobody in a truly happy relationship is going to end it because Internet strangers say so.

I agree.
Others won’t. There was a thread here a few days ago with many people saying they’d never seen an unwarranted LTB!

I’m so tired of it that I wrote the word twice.

I just want to repeat it’s not really an attack on MN but more of our society in general. I personally have a friend who expect other peoples partners to live up to a ridiculous standard that her very own serial cheating “D”H has never and will never live up to.

I do often wonder if a certain amount of the 'LTB' crew are actually not leaving their b*stard at all and actually have a frustrated husband on the cusp of an affair.

Totally agree. There seems to be an implication all posters behave perfectly themselves at all times and that a relationship also has to be perfect. Surely there are always compromises and we are all actual, flawed, human beings!

*their husbands
Nah. Far, far too many women tolerate and accept and reproduce with absolute trash and inflict traumatic childhoods on their kids. The only acceptable level or instance of abuse is zero . Plenty of intelligent women use this site and can see the red flags a mile off.

You trying to police them, or get women to tolerate any degree of shit behaviour from a man is terrible. No one is going to leave their abuser due to words on a screen, but it could plant the seeds to them raising their standards and giving their kids a better life. We can hope.

And I personally have a friend who needed uncritical support through her 10 or 15 attempts to leave the man whose little misdemeanors, small actions, made her life a misery.

I may not like LTB but I'll support any woman who feels that the man she lives with has forgotten they should be a partnership.

Could you link to those threads? I've only seen LTB when the husbands are cheating or abusive in other ways.

I agree, it's lazy, dismissive and childish.

Much easier to tell a random to leave a relationship over something minor, than to suggest ways in which they might be able to change things.

I don't know why posters like that don't just scroll past, and let the more helpful posters get on with it.

Kind of depends, sometimes ltb is said jokingly the the op knows that - running joke sort of thing. Other times it's just the tip of the iceberg, whilst the "crime" might not be the biggest individual thing it's a cumulative effect, often regulars will have seen posts before from the op

A lot of people are putting up with absolutely shit relationships. They post because they know it’s wrong, they’re at the end of their tether and they need validation that yes, their relationship is absolutely fucking awful.

No idea what correlation that has in real life but on MN it’s a dynamic you see again and again,

No one leaves just because MN says LTB. But some people get their decision to LTB validated and the strength and advice on practical steps to follow through.

You have nothing to worry about.
By the time I posted a thread about my x who'd been abusive (financially, emotionally, verbally) for a good 5 years already, my denial was still not pierced.

I still thought that it was better to appear happy and normal than to be happy and sane.

So I posted a thread about him April 2007 and every single person (obviously) said leave, get away) and I did but not until July 2007. Which I know isn't fast enough for some posters!

But the notion that people are going to leave a partner because somebody online says leave him is ridiculous.

It takes a long long time for the denial and the anaesthetic that protects you on a day to day basis to wear off so that you have even moments of lucidity that allow you to see things for the shit show they really really are.

Women are so conditioned to be kind, work hard at their relationship, accept their loss of financial earnings, capability to save, their loss of respect in the relationship they're now stuck in because of their children, their loss of earnings, savings, and most of all, their loss of freedom that Thank Goodness there is ONE PLACE where the pendulum swings in the other direction and doesn't tell a woman to swallow back down her own need for freedom and respect.

Sometimes it is the small things that tip the balance after an accumulation of them over time. There is no need to waste your life on this drip, drip, drip of things.

Clearly we all need to tolerate foibles and areas of mismatch in our relationships, but if they result in simply feeling that you are not happy with your choice or out of synch with your partner or that respect has gone, then it makes sense to call it a day. You only have one life.

I agree completely with @NowEvenBetter and @HollowTalk

In real life women are putting up with all manner of awful behaviour and abuse.

I don’t think threads like this that suggest MN is a bunch of harpies convincing women to leave perfectly decent husbands for no reason at all are helpful. Makes it easier for those who want to think “oh he’s ok most of the time” and the classic “he’s a great dad” (usually meaning he gives his kids the time of day) to keep their heads in the sand.

'LTB' is advised all the time on here, even if the poster has nowhere to go, no support IRL, no money and no job. LTB and go where, exactly?

It’s a mixture. A lot of posts are written by women who really are in terrible relationships which skews the balance. However the number of times people declare‘that’s a deal breaker for me,’ because someone’s partner has done some misdeed is unreal.

I’d be on DH no. 500 by now if I’d LTB every time he’d pissed me off and Frank he’s a pretty good egg, just human and flawed like most of us.

@NoSquirrels

A lot of people are putting up with absolutely shit relationships. They post because they know it’s wrong, they’re at the end of their tether and they need validation that yes, their relationship is absolutely fucking awful.

No idea what correlation that has in real life but on MN it’s a dynamic you see again and again,

No one leaves just because MN says LTB. But some people get their decision to LTB validated and the strength and advice on practical steps to follow through.

Yes, I had no sense of myself left. None. I needed to know that other people thought I deserved more. And luckily they did. My x had successfully trained me to believe that my ''account'' of anything was unreliable. You can't just tell an abusive man that you're leaving. He will not say, ok. He will tell you all of YOUR faults. As though it was a contest to see who is the worst, you, and the one who is the 'best' (Him) is the one who decides when the relationship is over.

It's far from easy to end a relationship with a man who has even a few abusive traits.

I mostly agree. Sometimes we all fuck up and say something out of order to our partners because we're tired/hungry/whatever. It's human (although I suspect someone will come along to say that they have never uttered a anything other than love poetry to their partner ...). Most people acknowledge it, apologise, then move on.

I roll my eyes when I see someone post about their partner snapping at them over who was making the poached eggs or some other minor misdemeanor and the reply is 'he sounds controlling, LTB' when you know that the poster would never in a million years consider doing the same.

That does not in any way mean that I think people should put up with any old behaviour and in some cases on here, I read about women staying with partners who are clearly abusive to them and really should, LTB.

I do believe in working at relationships that are fundamentally sound so I wouldn't say LTB over something trivial.

However, quite often the trivial matter is the tip of an iceberg. As soon as people start raising questions something comes out that raises some serious red flags. e.g. DH thinks I spent too much on a night out turns out to really be DH resents every time I go out with my friends, will do what he can to sabotage it, sent me 14 messages when I was out for 3 hours and now expects me to account for every penny I spent.

If you just went off the original post then the later LTB would seem excessive.

Most of the time, as the thread goes on, you find that the initial incident the OP posts about is just the tip of the iceberg. People in happy relationships don't tend to post about minor squabbles that aren't actually a serious problem.

And then what usually happens is the OP tells us we've got it all wrong, he's lovely really and a great dad, and disappears. Until the next time.

I’m not gonna link the thread as I don’t want to single out people. There has been cases in which the OPs have said their OHs have told them to do something which we all agreed was just wrong, extremely rude and misogynistic however there was a few replies saying “LTB, “kick him out” etc. It could’ve been the first time their OH had said comments like this. I was thinking if some of those posters would leave their own DH if they said the same sort of thing.

I agree.
LTB is fine if you have the means, but so so many women haven't.

Often you can’t see the wood for the trees, and an OP is an unreliable narrator, particularly in the context of relationship issues when they’ve already stayed a long time. My dad is emotionally abusive to my mum. Sometimes she will have a moan about something he’s done, and in isolation no one would tell her to leave him on the basis of that one occurrence. But being called useless, being disrespected, being ground down - over time, the pattern of behaviour is such that yes, you would tell them to leave over it. I know people whose relationships have broken down over what seems like a minor event, but it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. No one is going to LTB off the back of a forum response unless they already were in that headspace already.

So many women on here put on with shocking behaviour from their partners. I wouldn't worry.

I think it can be OTT but theres often fair reason to criticise or work on an issue rather than jump to leaving.
I know that ive read things where i think " blimey, i wouldnt put up with that" but if i laid my relationship out for public scrutiny there would be things in mine that others would leave over and that dont bother me a jot.