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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non vegetarian cheese present for a vegetarian

499 replies

Neolara · 30/12/2021 11:36

I've been veggie for over 30 years, married for nearly 20. My in laws are very nice. Recently, my in laws have taken to sending my a selection of cheese from posh cheese shops for my birthday and Xmas. The cheese is not cheap. Each box probably costs about £30 -£40 for 4 cheeses. However, usually most of the cheeses are not vegetarian so I haven't eaten them. This Xmas, my DH asked my in laws to make sure the cheese was vegetarian. A box of cheese has just arrived. It looks fantastic but again, only one of the four is veggie. I will only eat this one cheese. My DH will probably eat all the rest of the cheese.

So I haven't said anything to the in laws other than thank you very much because it seems incredibly rude to do anything else. But on the other hand, they think they are giving me a brilliant present but it's really not. I feel like they are wasting their money as I won't eat the vast majority of it. And from looking at the shops website, they could easily have bought veggie cheese. So not saying anything seems stupid.

So, YANBU - Of course you shouldn't say anything other than thank you very much. It's the thought that counts.
YABU -Of course you should tell your lovely in laws that if they buy you cheese it needs to be veggie cheese so they'll just keep wasting their money.

And yes, I totally appreciate this is a first world problem.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 30/12/2021 13:33

I’m a vegan and my friend has bought me non vegan chocolate the last couple of birthdays and Christmases. When she asks if I enjoyed it I just truthfully say that I couldn’t eat it and that my DH enjoyed it

Making the mistake once would be one thing, but to do it repeatedly doesn't sound like the true mark of an actual friend.

How would she react if you gift-wrapped a pretty little curly dog poo and put a bow on it before presenting it to her? As a general rule, if you (claim to) like somebody, you don't give them a present of something that you know they will find disgusting.

LibrariesGiveUsPower · 30/12/2021 13:33

This thread shows why your PIL aren’t getting it. So few people understand that cheese can contain animal rennet.

Try to explain why it’s not veggie to them and suggest an alternative. Nice gin box or something.

KittenKong · 30/12/2021 13:34

@Sciurus83

As above most people who are not vegetarian do not understand about rennet. You really need to explain this to non vegetarians if you don't eat it, it's not common knowledge
I’ve been having this conversation since 1984! I’d mention it to them - of course saying that it won’t be going to waste.
LittleG69 · 30/12/2021 13:34

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I’m a vegan and my friend has bought me non vegan chocolate the last couple of birthdays and Christmases. When she asks if I enjoyed it I just truthfully say that I couldn’t eat it and that my DH enjoyed it

Making the mistake once would be one thing, but to do it repeatedly doesn't sound like the true mark of an actual friend.

How would she react if you gift-wrapped a pretty little curly dog poo and put a bow on it before presenting it to her? As a general rule, if you (claim to) like somebody, you don't give them a present of something that you know they will find disgusting.

I think she genuinely doesn’t get it (which is ironic as she’s a veggie and definitely knows about non veggie cheese Grin)
C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 13:37

@HoppingPavlova

I don’t think you can blame them. The average person would assume all cheese is vegetarian, I’d certainly just reach for any cheese if I was going to a vegetarians house thinking it would be okay.
But they have already been told, specifically by the DH, to please choose vegetarian cheese. They haven't.
AuntyFungal · 30/12/2021 13:39

@Neolara

www.finecheese.co.uk/cheese/cheese-subscriptions/subscription-options

Pass this along to your in-laws. It has an option for veggie friendly.

  • Fellow long time veggie. Don't get me going on veggie recipes/restaurants & Worcester sauce!
herestoyoucolinrobinson · 30/12/2021 13:41

I didn't realise so many people were unaware of this! Bit eye opening.

KittenKong · 30/12/2021 13:42

People assume. It’s like when you know Someone with an egg allergy, and you start seeing where they skip egg into foods.

HoppingPavlova · 30/12/2021 13:43

But they have already been told, specifically by the DH, to please choose vegetarian cheese. They haven't.

Yes, but if someone said to me ‘please buy vegetarian cheese’, I would think it’s an odd thing to say, thinking that all cheese is vegetarian. When told, they probably shrugged and were confused thinking that’s what they were already doing.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 30/12/2021 13:45

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Surely you mean Vegan, all cheese is suitable for vegetarians. Confused
If you’re attempting to be condescending at least get your facts right.
PinkWaferBiscuit · 30/12/2021 13:47

Yes, but if someone said to me ‘please buy vegetarian cheese’, I would think it’s an odd thing to say, thinking that all cheese is vegetarian. When told, they probably shrugged and were confused thinking that’s what they were already doing.

Same here. If you presume as many of us clearly did before this thread that all cheese is suitable for vegetarians. Then you most likely wouldn't think they actually meant the cheese and instead that their DS was just reminding then that you were vegetarian so to keep that in mind when buying gifts.

BoredZelda · 30/12/2021 13:49

I’ve been having this conversation since 1984! I’d mention it to them - of course saying that it won’t be going to waste.

I’m nowhere close to ever being a vegetarian, even I knew cheese isn’t always vegetarian. I can’t believe so many people didn’t know it.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 30/12/2021 13:49

If you’re attempting to be condescending at least get your facts right.

Once again please read the whole thread I've already admitted I was wrong. Honestly not sure why people keep specifically attacking me, what else do posters want me to do, flog myself with a lump of cheddar? Grin

RampantIvy · 30/12/2021 13:50

I see the rennet question has already been raised. I'm surprised and disappointed that so many people don't know that many cheeses contain rennet, but I have vegetarian friends so I have known about this for a long time.

One of my hobbies is to go to food festivals, and in my experience, it is generally non British cheeses that are more likely to contain rennet.

I feel that the response from @Pickles89 is the best one, and in this case it is better coming from your husband.

I also feel that all cheeses should make it clear if they contain rennet. As far as I know all British cheeses that are vegetarian specify on the packaging that the cheese is suitable for vegetarians.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 13:52

As a happy omnivore, I'm amazed at how many people don't know about cheese frequently being unsuitable for vegetarians - just because something doesn't look like an animal, it doesn't mean that no parts of an animal have been used in it

I'm surprised too and had thought maybe it was an age thing as most people I know of my generation seem to know the difference. I remember talking about rennet and animal products in food in Biology at school. It was certainly possibly to buy vegetarian cheese in the 80s, can't recall what the coagulant was but it was not uncommon (especially in the mainstream cheeses). Even then it was the traditional or premium cheeses which still used animal rennet.

My DC (20s up to 30) are also vegetarian and most of their friends know as well. So maybe there is a gap in the middle somewhere.

starfishofbethlehem · 30/12/2021 13:53

I’m veggie and in this situation I wouldn’t say anything because as DH is enjoying the cheeses they’re not going to waste.

I agree. The in laws always buy us a joint present if alcohol. I don't drink - which they know - but I don't say anything. This year it was a modest bottle and some cash so while dh enjoys his port I will spend the cash!! ,

SpookyScarySkeletons · 30/12/2021 13:54

Only read the first 30 or so comments and can't cope with another 200+ of people who haven't read the earlier comments and think all cheese is suitable for vegetarians.

lightisnotwhite · 30/12/2021 13:55

How do so many people not know this? Cheese is everywhere I grew up being taught hiw it’s made as it’s a basic foodstuff.

SunshineOnKeith · 30/12/2021 13:59

This thread is like the Cancel the cheque one!

No, not all cheese is vegetarian and yes the DH has ALREADY asked his parents to only send vegetarian cheese.

Bizarre that so many people seem to be lacking in basic literacy/comprehension skills

Clymene · 30/12/2021 13:59

I think it's probably ignorance rather than anything else. I certainly didn't realise so many cheeses were put suitable for vegetarians.

I'd probably go through all the cheeses on the fancy website and find all the ones you can eat. And get your husband to give them that list.

Bit of a rubbish present for you otherwise!

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/12/2021 14:01

No more parmesan for me... It tastes like stinky feet anyway, no big loss.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2021 14:05

Hmm. I know a lot of cheese contains rennet BUT I have a lot of vegetarian friends, all of whom eat any cheese, and also eat gelatine. I know this because when they come for dinner, I check what they can eat. I have another friend who says she is vegetarian but in fact is practically vegan because she doesn't like dairy or eggs - but there is the odd non vegan thing she eats, so she doesn't call herself that. I think these days you have to check very carefully what the person is willing to eat.

It seems 'vegetarian' is a general label but not everyone who uses it actually follows it to the letter. They are strict about some things but not others. Perhaps your in laws have similarly vegetarian friends who eat all cheese.

Ilovefluffysheep · 30/12/2021 14:07

@SpellBounds

Oh I see I've heard of rennet but it's certainly not present is any "normal" cheese - definitely not present in normal parmasan - my husband is vegetarian and we've never had an issue. I guess because it's "posh" cheese that's why it's an issue. You just need to say OP - tell them why it's not veggie as like many of us they probably don't understand the issue.
You are completely wrong. Normal Parmesan is a prime example. In order to be allowed to be called parmesan, it has to be made the traditional way, using animal rennet. A simple google search will clarify this for you.

Hard cheese alternatives tend to be vegetarian, although you still need to check the label.

Most restaurants seem to have no idea about this, as the majority of vegetarian dishes on menus contain parmesan. I then need to speak to them to confirm whether it's real parmesan or a hard cheese alternative and appropriate for me to eat.

Such a shame more people don't seem to realise this.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 14:08

It seems 'vegetarian' is a general label but not everyone who uses it actually follows it to the letter. They are strict about some things but not others. Perhaps your in laws have similarly vegetarian friends who eat all cheese

Its certainly the case that many people label themselves vegetarian for convenience or because they think they will get a better option on transport which makes life for actual veggies more difficult.

However in this case the issue has been highlighted to the parents, they have been specifically asked to select vegetarian cheeses and just ignored it.

Piglet89 · 30/12/2021 14:10

Someone else is clearly using the communal family brain cell of many of the posters on this thread today.