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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non vegetarian cheese present for a vegetarian

499 replies

Neolara · 30/12/2021 11:36

I've been veggie for over 30 years, married for nearly 20. My in laws are very nice. Recently, my in laws have taken to sending my a selection of cheese from posh cheese shops for my birthday and Xmas. The cheese is not cheap. Each box probably costs about £30 -£40 for 4 cheeses. However, usually most of the cheeses are not vegetarian so I haven't eaten them. This Xmas, my DH asked my in laws to make sure the cheese was vegetarian. A box of cheese has just arrived. It looks fantastic but again, only one of the four is veggie. I will only eat this one cheese. My DH will probably eat all the rest of the cheese.

So I haven't said anything to the in laws other than thank you very much because it seems incredibly rude to do anything else. But on the other hand, they think they are giving me a brilliant present but it's really not. I feel like they are wasting their money as I won't eat the vast majority of it. And from looking at the shops website, they could easily have bought veggie cheese. So not saying anything seems stupid.

So, YANBU - Of course you shouldn't say anything other than thank you very much. It's the thought that counts.
YABU -Of course you should tell your lovely in laws that if they buy you cheese it needs to be veggie cheese so they'll just keep wasting their money.

And yes, I totally appreciate this is a first world problem.

OP posts:
DeepaBeesKit · 30/12/2021 12:36

They wont understand about rennet and will assume all cheese is vegetarian.

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2021 12:37

@godmum56 a lot of red/pink coloured food does have cochineal in it.

I always check because I don’t want to eat it.

EinsteinaGogo · 30/12/2021 12:38

@PotatoOfTheNight

My point is at those posters who have said 'oh, I learned something', but didn't say 'sorry OP for doubting you / mocking you / stating that you didn't know your veggie from your vegan'.

There is a big difference.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/12/2021 12:38

I had this issue with my Mum A few years ago. She knows I like gin, so gave me a bottle of a posh, expensive sloe gin for Christmas. I didn't say anything, thanked her and passed it off to a friend. Then she gave me the same thing the following Christmas so I came clean, as I foresaw getting a bottle of the vile stuff every year ad infinitum! Mum wasn't cross, just glad I told her. She was able to exchange the sloe gin gorgeous a bottle of decent gin and all was well.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 12:38

[quote Willyoujustbequiet]@Simonjt

I'm veggie and I eat any kind of cheese. I'm a veggie because I don't like meat. A lot of my friends are the same. A few call themselves veggies but eat fish.

I would consider anyone not wanting to eat tenner a vegan.[/quote]
Then they are not vegetarians they are pescatarians. Do you also eat stews with "just a bit of meat" in them? Or made with animal stock?

GerbilCurse · 30/12/2021 12:39

This thread makes me wonder if people just assume oh that must be ok, I'll serve that.

People just assume, it's why I rarely accept other people cooking for me (coeliac). Too many hidden things (I know I made plenty of mistakes myself when first diagnosed)

SpellBounds · 30/12/2021 12:40

@alrightfella

This thread makes me wonder how many of you check packets before serving food to guests?

My dd is a strict vegetarian so I am well used to checking everything and only use things that have the V branding.

I also do the same for any guests that have specific allergies, or check item with said guest first if I am unsure.

This thread makes me wonder if people just assume oh that must be ok, I'll serve that.

If it was that important to you or your DD etc though you'd raise it with the host before visiting. The onus is not all on the host to be an expert on every dietary requirement - you make sure they're fully aware before going for the meal.
CustardySergeant · 30/12/2021 12:40

I'm 67 and not vegetarian and I knew about animal rennet being used in cheesemaking. I feel as if I've 'always' known about it, i.e. all my adult life and think I must've learned about the process in biology at school, when learning about the effect of enzymes and in the case of rennet, the enzyme that curdles milk.
I was very surprised at the number of people on this thread who had no idea and think maybe it's not been taught at school for many decades and that's why.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/12/2021 12:40

I think the thread has provided your answer to why they do it!

Either your DH could explain better, even send them links to any explanation on their chosen cheese merchant's website, or to a selection of their cheeses that are suitable, or, he could 'swap you' your cheese gift for something else, or buy it from you!

Of course they're going to have to get over the realisation that they've been sending you unsuitable gifts for however long. But the fact your DH enjoyed them should take the sting out of that! It's not as if they went to a charity shop.

JuniorMint · 30/12/2021 12:42

@alrightfella

This thread makes me wonder how many of you check packets before serving food to guests?

My dd is a strict vegetarian so I am well used to checking everything and only use things that have the V branding.

I also do the same for any guests that have specific allergies, or check item with said guest first if I am unsure.

This thread makes me wonder if people just assume oh that must be ok, I'll serve that.

I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 12. One time I remember going round to an Auntie’s for a family gathering and she made a HUGE deal about how she’d made a lovely vegetarian recipe for everyone since I was veggie, not in a horrible way but like “oh I do hope you like it, I searched for the recipe for ages, everyone is eating veggie today since you are” etc. It was a spinach and ricotta lasagne, it was very nice so at the end of the meal I asked her for the recipe as i’d like to make it myself. She started listing off the ingredients, including… chicken stock! Then she looked at me in a sheepish “gotcha” kind of way. Just WHY?! When vegetable stock is available?!
Everydaydayisaschoolday · 30/12/2021 12:42

@SpellBounds

What cheese isn't vegetarian??
I think you and DH should take the non-veggie cheese round to them and explain that as you can't eat them you thought they would enjoy them. That might hammer the message home that they aren't a suitable present for you.
fernsandlilies · 30/12/2021 12:43

If anyone is interested in fabulous vegan cheese, this place does an excellent selection:

La Fauxmagerie

2022HereWeCome · 30/12/2021 12:43

See I've been a vegetarian for 30+ years and I've still been caught out occasionally by v hidden ingredients - cochineal and the like, especially if enjoying someone else's hospitality / on holiday and not preparing own food. OP you need to explain to ILs re rennet and why cheese isn't automatically vegetarian or ask them to buy a gift voucher so you can choose your own selection.

Rainbunny · 30/12/2021 12:44

Most supermarket ones are though

Most supermarket parmesan is not vegetarian, I have to seek it out and usually Waitrose is the only place that reliably stocks vegetarian parmesan.

alrightfella · 30/12/2021 12:47

@SpellBounds yes I always offer to take food so as not to inconvenience anyone.

LittleG69 · 30/12/2021 12:47

@Rainbowsandstorms

I’ve been vegetarian for over 20 years and while I don’t eat any meat I’m not strict about other meat by products and have to confess I didn’t realise this. It may be helpful to gently explain to your in laws why some cheese isn’t vegetarian so they properly understand what qualifies as vegetarian cheese.
You’re not a vegetarian then if you consume animal by products
C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 12:48

This Xmas, my DH asked my in laws to make sure the cheese was vegetarian

This is the bit which surprises me. They were explicitly asked to make sure and just ignored it. Most specialist cheese or "posh gift food" companies clearly label their cheeses as suitable or not for vegetarians. Some only do vegetarian cheeses as demand is high.

Are they a bit "meh" about you being vegetarian generally? Because if they have been told and asked to check the cheese is suitable and are ignoring that it may be easier to tell them not to get cheese at all.

AngusThermopyle · 30/12/2021 12:48

@Sciurus83

I'm afraid no Parmesan is vegetarian, its one of those awkward things that if you know you know but many assume incorrectly about. Pecorino is your vegetarian friend replacement. And a vegetarian eats no animal products, I myself eat fish and don't fastidiously check every cheese. I might sometimes describe myself as vegetarian in a restaurant for ease of ordering but I would never ever tell a proper vegetarian they were a vegan for checking cheese, you are way off base Willyoujustbequiet
I'm not sure all, if any, pecorino cheese is vegetarian either. I've seen none labelled so in anywhere near me.

However, most supermarkets do a vegetarian variant of 'hard cheese' which is a pretty good replacement for parmesan.

BiscuitLover3678 · 30/12/2021 12:48

@SpellBounds

What cheese isn't vegetarian??
Some cheeses use animal rennet and are definitely not vegetarian.
BiscuitLover3678 · 30/12/2021 12:49

They need to know you can’t eat it op.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/12/2021 12:49

However, most supermarkets do a vegetarian variant of 'hard cheese' which is a pretty good replacement for parmesan

Waitrose Vegetarian Italian Hard Cheese is the best substitute I know (based on comments from meat eating friends) but Tesco also do a good one.

alrightfella · 30/12/2021 12:50

@AngusThermopyle Tesco do a vegetarian pecorino

erinaceus · 30/12/2021 12:51

Could your DH do something like point out to them on the website how to know which cheese are vegetarian and which one are not? Or ask the website to send you a list of suitable products to choose from? It is a tricky one as it sounds like a lovely gift, and on the balance of things it would be better if they bought you cheeses you could enjoy.

They are probably either completely unaware, or unaware how important this issue is to you. Hopefully your DH can fill in the information gap.

AngusThermopyle · 30/12/2021 12:51

[quote alrightfella]@AngusThermopyle Tesco do a vegetarian pecorino [/quote]
Thanks, but as I say, no supermarkets near me do. Including my Tesco. Although it is not large.

GerbilCurse · 30/12/2021 12:52

You can get cheese labelled pecorino that is vegetarian, the protected name is Pecorino Romano and that is never vegetarian