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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Class difference - if you're posh

413 replies

2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 20:48

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

OP posts:
CriminalOrator · 29/12/2021 22:12

Do you know what is tacky? Excluding people and making them feel excluded and embarrassed. They sound like they think they’re ‘posh’ when actually their personal conduct is anything but. Money and private school does not = good breeding and manners, evidently.

I’d be so tempted to laugh at the SIL the next time she behaves this way and quietly lean and tell her that despite what she thinks, her behaviour is utterly classless. If she doesn’t like you anyway, who gives a fuck what she thinks? Her and mummy can hate you all they want.

Gladioli23 · 29/12/2021 22:12

Scrap that, looks like they've added a membership firewall thing since I last used the damned thing

TinDogTavern · 29/12/2021 22:13

Thanks all. Every day's a school day, eh? Don't feel I've missed out having not known.

OP, as everyone else has said, ignore these graceless women

LolaButt · 29/12/2021 22:13

Exhibit A.

Class difference - if you're posh
BillMasheen · 29/12/2021 22:15

@TinDogTavern

What the fuck is a charger plate? misses point
More washing up
SheSaidHummingbird · 29/12/2021 22:15

a charger plate is a trick Xmas Grin

Changechangychange · 29/12/2021 22:16

@BillMasheen surely one simply has one’s staff wash up, whatever that might involve.

PlanetNormal · 29/12/2021 22:17

These people are not ‘posh’. If there is one thing which defines the traditional English old-monied upper classes it is impeccable courtesy and manners, and these people display neither.

Ignore their silly jibes, hold your head up proudly and be yourself.

DaisyNGO · 29/12/2021 22:17

@2022bebetter

To add - I know they're being snobby but they are very PLU and I feel like an outsider.
What's PLU please?
Original poster
2022bebetter · 29/12/2021 22:19

@DaisyNGO 'people like us'

It's cringe to hear said seriously.

OP posts:
PigletInABlanketJohn · 29/12/2021 22:19

they will always be able to detect your origins. Folding a napkin, cutting a roll, pronouncing a word... there are lots of tribal indicators.

you can study Debrett's books to learn some of the tricks

the real problem is that the people you are meeting have no manners and were not well-brought up.

Manners are not a matter of knowing which fork to use or which way to pass the port.

They are for the purpose of helping social interaction by putting people at their ease.

The opposite of what your nasty in-laws do.

Whataday198 · 29/12/2021 22:20

I went to private school (Wycombe Abbey) and have titled people in family. I think they sound ghastly and utterly rude. Who the fuck cares how "garage" is pronounced? Especially enough to comment on. I'd ignore them entirely. I suspect they are deeply insecure and are threatened by you - perhaps because you're smarter or better dressed or something - because I can't see why else they'd need to be snotty cows about some of this nonsense.

Leafyhouse · 29/12/2021 22:20

Has anybody mentioned 'Debretts Guide to Modern Living' yet? I mean, at least it's something practical to get started with.

MondayYogurt · 29/12/2021 22:20

If they've decided against you for your background there is no amount of change you can make to appease them. They will simply start mocking your attempts.

frenchfancy81 · 29/12/2021 22:21

Do you say GARRIDGE? I do...none of this GARRARGE business for me 🙂

DaisyNGO · 29/12/2021 22:21

[quote 2022bebetter]@DaisyNGO 'people like us'

It's cringe to hear said seriously.[/quote]
Oh I see

They sound awful and mean

I think someone at work mocked how I say things, this was years ago
I'd avoid them, tell DH why.

Ethelswith · 29/12/2021 22:22

PLU = people like us

Another slightly naff phrase used by the insecure when playing 'gotcha'

Yes, 'posh' people can be suoercilloius , unfriendly and cliquey. But it wouldn't look like what OP describes. They're being a bit crass

daretodenim · 29/12/2021 22:24

OP they know these things because they're their own sub-culture. You can't know these things easily if you've not grown up part of it.

I love the idea of a charger plate being a trick plate. Hilarious! I reckon you have a great sense of humour and I bet it is hidden when with them.

I've been treated like this too by different people (almost always women). Once was a former BFs mother and I know how debilitating it can be. Back then I didn't understand that she was just an insecure cow who had no idea about life outside the Home Counties and Switzerland. She tried to show me up by offering me salmon or sausages for dinner one night. I had spent months eating freshwater salmon because my mother had bought a lot off a hotel-owner friend, so I was fed up if it, plus I love sausages. I chose the sausages. Oh boy did she let it be known that I was an inferior person due to my common choice..while they all ate salmon! I'd love to go back and respond differently to her!

frenchfancy81 · 29/12/2021 22:24

Next time you get one of the "oh I could never whatever" remarks, laugh and say "really, why? I do it and it's great!" and don't give it any more thought.
Or, say "weird comment and a bit rude as I'm pretty sure you know I like that/have that/do that" and shrug.

Donotgogentle · 29/12/2021 22:28

@PlanetNormal

These people are not ‘posh’. If there is one thing which defines the traditional English old-monied upper classes it is impeccable courtesy and manners, and these people display neither.

Ignore their silly jibes, hold your head up proudly and be yourself.

Not in my experience. I’ve worked with a number of titled people over the years and some are arrogant arses.
HTH1 · 29/12/2021 22:30

Hmmm…I would definitely go low contact. You could try to learn some of their rules but they seem determined to point out any slip ups (and SIL is definitely a bit of a bitch).

Suggest you get DH on side and, when they make a nasty remark, both just go silent and look at whoever said it for a few seconds, then completely ignore it and move on.

abbey44 · 29/12/2021 22:30

They might have money, but they clearly aren't "posh" - nobody truly posh would make you feel awkward and uncomfortable, as that's the height of bad manners. Plus, most really posh people simply don't care how you pronounce garage and other stuff like that. They're not insecure about who they are - your BF's mother and sister sound awful, don't give them any more headspace, they're not worth it.

lightisnotwhite · 29/12/2021 22:31

I’m not posh but table manners grill my spoons. I don’t mind if you use the wrong hands but waving cutlery about, faffing about with cutting and spearing food to make it look “casual”.

Fittleswade · 29/12/2021 22:32

Hmmm... I'm wondering how truly 'upper' these people are. I'm guessing new money, because upper middle class are really not obsessed with caper like this at all. It's the insecure wannabes that are.

emailaddressplease · 29/12/2021 22:34

@100problems

And they are not posh, they are vulgar.
Yep!