Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

They have no class by the sounds of it.
I read a quote once and it was the greatest freedom is not caring what anyone thinks and it's so true. Being a good kind person is the most important thing we can strive to be in life and how sad that some of the family can be so unwelcoming. Be proud of your roots and your life experiences. Maybe deep down those women are insecure of you.
Hold your head up high and feel secure that you are absolutely good enough and their equal (better than them as person from sounds of it).

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do!

I would probably say, Classy! with a raised eyebrow every time she said it. Making it clear I thought it was anything but. Or I might say, I could never comment on other people's behaviour in a judgemental fashion. It's so crass and lacking in manners.

Properly posh people have lovely manners and would dream of making anyone from any background feel uncomfortable. They're not as posh as you/they think they are.

Crikey they sound awful.

I once went to a wedding and sat on a table with some people like this. The bride was my friend. She was lovely but not very pretty and quite large.

The very attractive sister of the groom deliberately wore a cream dress and pearls to upstage her. She and her friends spent half the meal boasting about the private schools they went to (Charterhouse, darling).

--And then the other half over-explaining why they didn't get into Oxbridge

I am so sorry you have to make nice with these people. DH really needs to be in your corner on this.

What the fuck is a charger plate? misses point

Just be yourself, OP! Your husband fell for you and married the person you are now. You don't have to change yourself into someone else.

Anybody else thinking of Phoebe when she met Mike's parents? OP you sound lovely, please don't try to be anyone other than yourself.

Your MIL sounds like Hyacinth Bucket.

The most déclassé thing you can do is look down on others. They clearly aren't as "posh" as they think.

Properly posh people have lovely manners and would dream of making anyone from any background feel uncomfortable.

Do you honestly believe there are no unpleasant posh people (whatever you mean by that). We’re firmly in “no true Scotsman” territory here.

FYI Wilko had charger plates for a quid last Christmas

A charger plate is basically a decorative plate underneath your normal plate. Like a placemat but it’s a plate! Pointless imo but can make a set table look nice.

Real 'class' is about making anyone feel welcome and comfortable in your home, regardless of wealth/background/schooling/upbringing. If they delight in making you feel uncomfortable in theirs, they really have none.

If they constantly have to talk about how 'posh'/classy/correct they are, at the expense of others, it sounds to me as though they are quite insecure about their own position as 'posh'. And so they should be, it sounds extremely vulgar to be referring to things/people as 'common'.

It's horrible feeling like you don't 'fit' somewhere, but you sound much nicer than they do. Maybe one day they will realise that life really is too short to spend it worrying about how someone else pronounces 'garage'.

@TinDogTavern a charger plate is a trick. A plate that is put down that you're not supposed to eat off and another plate goes on top...

My late husband told me of a Geordie who couldn't say 'butter' in anything other than broad Geordie so at the Officers' Mess dinner table he would ask 'slide the grease please'!

@XelaM
Don't apologise for the typos. Far better, perhaps, to apologise to your uncle and aunt.
Dreadful behaviour.

@TinDogTavern

What the fuck is a charger plate? misses point

It is a hideous underplate, the type of thing you get at wedding banquets.

PMSL that there are people out there who use them for family suppers

OP, do they also put your towel on the bed, twisted into the shape of a swan? Because that is how pretentious charger plates are.

@ShirleyPhallus

These people may be upper class but they certainly ain’t classy. The poshest people I know are AMAZINGLY good with people from all walks of life and put them at ease so well. Likewise, the working class people I know are also so themselves that they put everyone at ease.

It’s the try-hard middles and upper-middles that make a big deal about class (see: most of mumsnet) but the classiest people will never make you feel like that, so please try not to worry or change to fit in!

this is exactly right

[quote 2022bebetter]@TinDogTavern a charger plate is a trick. A plate that is put down that you're not supposed to eat off and another plate goes on top... [/quote]
Ha ha! A trick is a much better description!

While I totally agree with all the comments to stop worrying about it, if you want to have a look through something Debrett's has lots of guidelines - I've used their website for guidance on white vs black tie, and for things like how to RSVP to a wedding invitation.

debretts.com/etiquettes/

They have sections on events, hosting and entertaining and other bits. Might be worth a look?

If it helps I have been to a good number of dinners, including a feast that involved antique silver goblets and the like, and I don't think I've ever come across a charger plate. If they did exist I wouldn't expect them to be set up up in such a way as to facilitate the guest using it as a normal plate.

@Fridafever

Properly posh people have lovely manners and would dream of making anyone from any background feel uncomfortable.

Do you honestly believe there are no unpleasant posh people (whatever you mean by that). We’re firmly in “no true Scotsman” territory here.

No but posh people who care about appearances have the kind of manners that mean they wouldn't publicly make someone uncomfortable. They might say it all behind their back but not to their face.

I'd play up to it. Slip into cokney rhyming slang on a regular basis. Add the odd delboy french phrase in 'mange tout mange tout'

Properly posh people have lovely manners and would dream of making anyone from any background feel uncomfortable.

I don't think this is true at all. I once met someone from the aristocracy who introduced himself to me and asked where I was from. When I answered he gave a look of disdain, turned around and walked away.

I also spent an evening with members of the Bullingdon club. Their tradition is to go out for dinner and trash the restaurant (for "fun") and then write a big cheque at the end of the night. Absolutely vile people.

What the hell is a charger plate ? am private school educated and come from Surrey and haven’t a clue 😂😂

The few properly posh people I have met have been incredibly accepting, basically because they had no fucks to give about this sort of crap.

You need to focus on how your husband and his brothers treat you because they are nice.

Properly posh people have lovely manners and would dream of making anyone from any background feel uncomfortable

Can confirm that neither Prince Andrew or Prince Charles are like this, and they are certainly posh.

@BurnedToast

If I would you I would go all out Vicky Pollard just to aniot the snotty cow.

This X20 😃 And I would have so much fun doing it. I deliberately drink out the can/bottle around my posh in-laws although they’re not THAT bad..