Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

@2022bebetter just as reminder.
My DH has stuff coming from his grand parents and great grand parents. And he inherited them when he was younger. Think some old grand father clock, some fancy watches etc…

He is from a farming family and definitively working class.

I have quite a few items that are from my own family, much ‘posher’ (but because I’m nit BRITISH, I wouldn’t fit into the ‘posh class’ anyway).

Having something that you inherited shouldn’t be about ‘being better than someone else’. It should be about the memories you have from them. Or its history (like my mum remembering seeing a stool I now own in HER great grand mother’s house). Or DH knowing the clock in our living room was won by his grand dad at a farmer market about 70+ years ago

For the rest, it doesn’t matter!!
Seriously.

The English posh are surely becoming irrelevant - Dh and I got temporarily on the edges of the international elite via our old job - now thats a different league altogether!

I wouldn't even try to fit in. I'd carry on seeing my own friends and having my own interests, and remain courteous and amiable when you are in their company.

Rude people, whatever their bank balance, shouldn't take up any valuable headspace.

If one of your delightful in-laws corrects your pronunciation or tries to give you sartorial advice, laugh and laugh and laugh, then say 'sorry, I just can't...'followed by more gales of laughter. Their discomfiture will be a joy to behold.

PLU, what snobby, Nasty and judgmental?
So they are convinced they do things the right way? How insightful of them.
If you try to mould yourself it wei just give them ammunition against you.

The key things about genuinely upper class people are their manners. Your sil has given herself away as hopelessly lower class by her bitchy comments.....can I suggest the old Mumsnet standard, head on one side, tinkley laugh and "did you mean to be so rude?"

God, you forget that people like this actually exist. What total horrors.
Truly classy people don't give a fuck what someone's background is, and btw, I say garridge too...
Don't change. Seriously.

@MomentToThink

Poshest thing you can do is be confident in yourself and don’t give a shit what anyone thinks. Honestly!

This ^.

If you ever catch yourselves thinking they are somehow better than you, remind yourself you are perfect just the way you are.

Start calling SIL Mrs Bucket or Hyacinth.

Every time. "Alright Mrs Bucket, yes Hyacinth"

Rugby is an odd choice for just girls btw.

Some of my husbands family are very posh ( married money) and when together like to talk about their designer purchases/ exotic holidays etc; I used to feel intimidated by them, the. I realised that I am the only woman at the table who earns her own money and pays her own way, so started to feel better about myself and my own worth.

As others have said, really classy people are too wet mannered to make fun of others. The richest man I know ( owns his own helicopter) is the most humble and is far more interested in finding out about me and my family than talking about himself.

You relatives are just down right rude.

I'm rich, not posh.

Me and DH self made.

Looked down on at the school gate, DH in his works van.

Was funny. All these posh nobs with their inherited wealth, and we have more in cash and assets than they do.

Haven’t read thread - but how are things with your husband? If you two are happy and in love….that’s all that counts. They may not be. Don’t worry about it.

Talk to your DH. tell him what they say/do and how it makes you feel.
Your SIL is not a role model to emulate; she does not have good manners . The definition of good manners, is that they are so unobtrusive the other person never feels uncomfortable or ill at ease. There's a good description here

www.catholiceducation.org/en/culture/catholic-contributions/the-definition-of-a-gentleman.html

  You  might consider dropping  the vocabulary of class because well-mannered people generally  don't use terms like common //posh/classy/tacky/snob/snobby/snooty. 

It's easy to learn the etiquette of  good manners at the table. 

Become  the cool confident  discreet and gracious  woman   SIL and MIL are not.

@XelaM

We are not British, so the concept of "posh" is slightly different, but I come from a very well-educated and highly intellectual high-achieving family. My uncle (my mum's younger brother) married a woman from a very remote village who is anything but. I will be honest and say that even 20 years later, we cannot understand why or "accept" that he can enjoy sharing his life with someone who is not his equal in any way. However, that hasn't stopped them staying together ot having 4 kids. We let them fo their own thing, but we will never be close to her. My uncle comes to visit us a lot, but she never does. To be honest, there is nothing you can do to change this situation. Just live your life and let them live theirs.

That sounds like your family look down on the poor woman. That’s not posh that’s snobby and unpleasant. If you aren’t British then where are you from. Is your families behavior typical of your background?

I'd go with 'Goodness! How terribly crass of you to mention that!' in response to every critique.
Well-mannered people put others at ease, irrespective of background.

If you were feeling wicked you could ask them how, personally, they had contributed to the family fortune. Or whether they'd just inherited/married/been born into it?

@2022bebetter

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

Hi OP, I hope I can help. They aren't "very posh" at all.

No-one from an upper-class background or old aristocracy would utter the word "common" to talk about a person. This is a lower middle class term at best.

No upper class-person would call someone "nouveau riche" - again, that is middle class with pretentions.

"Garaaaage" - pronunciation the French way is like people who pronounce "restaurant" the French way with the silent "t" - that is very middle-class, not upper class or "posh" at all.

if they are label freaks, wear country clothes but don't live in the country, they are aspiring to be seen as upper-class when they are not.

Real "posh" people don't give a stuff what anyone thinks about them, don't social climb, are not interested in designer labels to show off.
They wear old clothes that cost a lot of money 20 years ago.
They say "Lavatory" or Loo, not "toilet"
They say napkin, not "serviette".

The people you describe are not at all posh and they are not very nice.

I was brought up with people who are old aristocracy and others who are country estate landowner "posh" and I work with them now. Old money, titles etc. Lovely people, not at all snobs, interested in everyone and give a lot to charity, as their families have for centuries because they believe it is their obligation. Not bothered about class, in fact, many of them love being friends with working class people, if they can get the opportunity to meet any.

Middle-class people care desperately what others think of them, are keen to always be seen as "moral" (hence the virtue signalling of the Left-wing middle-class), are desperate not to offend because they don't want to be ostracised, and constantly strive for status. Upper class people - real posh people don't give a shit about any of that.

I have met people like you describe attached to bloodsports like fox hunting and you will also find them at gymkhanas. Horrible people.

Chat to the men in the family - they might be less vile to you than the women clearly are.

BE YOURSELF.

@2022bebetter Yes, she definitely knows how we feel (my grandmother was very vocal about it when they got together - horrible behaviour I will admit). She just couldn't believe that her "star" of a son who was a young doctor, very handsome, an athlete and had many smart and pretty women to choose from, decided to marry someone who grew up in a remote village almost far away from civilization, had no education and spoke with a very glaring accent. We were all very surprised at the choice

@DixieSun someone else on here said that too.

Just being nosey, why is rugby an odd choice for a girls?

I hate the snide comments but I do find it all rather fascinating how they all just 'know' this secret code!

There is absolutely no way you can avoid "faux pas". None. You could change your clothes and accent and speak with the exact same pronunciation as then, and they'd still find a problem, because their goal is to make you feel lesser than, never to include you.

Even asking the question shows you're running scared of them. And when you're doing that, you can't be you.

I also come from extremely humble beginnings and have interacted socially with people from (foreign) royalty down the class hierarchy, with newly wealthy people, to old, old money to people with not a sausage. Honestly, the people who are the most liked are those who own their life. The people who are least respected are those who try to pretend - only a few ever really manage to nail that, it usually takes years of work.

So if some uppity sister says, "We would never do it like that because it's rude" the response has to unashamedly^^ own your background. "Really? Well in [insert name of town/country/"my family"] we always do it like that." with "It's funny how we're all different" sometimes tacked on.

You cannot live your life pretending. The world is made up of more that the British middle classes, so there are an infinite number of ways of doing things. None are wrong (assuming they're not deliberately hurtful..).

Do not apologise, even implicitly, for being who you are, ever, especially to people like this.

And usually these sorts of people will stop (I've seen it happen) when faced with an opponent who shows they can't be shamed or humiliated.

They sound like pricks. Just laugh at them, and remember you cannot lose if you do not play.

@Incognito22333

My father’s family were British landed gentry but of the lesser type, as in, no direct line to the Queen or Princess Anne. At most they knew the royal family gossip through their friends. However, there was plenty of pheasant and grouse shooting, smelly wellies, labs, filthy cars, freezing Scottish castles, bizarre afternoon tea routines and a very packed social calendar. I grew up abroad and was constantly corrected on speech by them and bizarre table etiquette eg putting bits of rock salt on the side of your plate, cutting perfect amounts of butter off with the butter knife and right way to peel an orange with a knife etc. It is supper and pudding not dinner or dessert. Is this what you mean? All rather old fashioned - “very vulgar darling to eat a sandwich in the streets”, but fine to have a picnic pretty much anywhere in the countryside with the appropriate blanket...

If you want to be like them surely you just observe and copy them or else just ignore the whole thing because what is the point? I think dress code for various events you should perhaps observe and take guidance on but the rest, you will never be like them nor would you want to? They cultivate their own bizarre social markers for a reason namely to recognise their true inner circle and you get this kind of behaviour in other countries amongst similar elites as well, just different markers. It is all rather pointless and bizarre.

Spot on.

@BurnedToast

Obviously I meant 'If I was you ....:

If you want to be really posh you would write 'if I were you', subjunctive doncha know!

Next time she does it smile sweetly at her and tell her "You do you Babe'' in your very strongest 'common' accent.

Seriously, as so many people have said, genuinely classy people don't belittle other people for not being the same as them. Nor do happy people. Bullies do that.

In all honesty are they " new money " because only people with new money act this way. Old money people dress like a tramp, shop in b and m and anything goes.

@2022bebetter

Well yes, I'd love to tell them to F off and not care but I do!

I just want to know what faux pas to avoid.

@Shiningpath I say 'garridge' which is common apparently.

So does DH and he went to a very good public school. But he was a scholarship boy and his parents weren't asses.

They may be 'posh' but are also rude and bad mannered. Remember that and be yourself.

Maybe they feel deep down insecurity and take it out on you. Personally I would say I may be common as muck but at least I'm not rude!