Class difference - if you're posh

[2022bebetter]

Posh people of MN, help me!

I have married into a very posh family. Not titled posh, but public school. DH and his brothers all lovely.

Sister, MIL and SIL clearly look down on me.

I know I shouldn't care and it's their problem etc but I feel so embarrassed when I clearly get stuff 'wrong'.

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

Wherever we go, they always dress so similar and I get it 'wrong'.

Obviously the easiest tip is not to care, but any advice from posh MNetters would be so gratefully received.

I hate the word "posh" and won't let my kids use it as it infers someone or something is better than you!

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate that didn't go down well.[/quote]
I’ve sent you a PM

@2022bebetter Not all posh people are terrible snobs, but many are sadly. Even non-posh people can be dreadful snobs - some sort of innate inferiority complex gives them the urge to provide reassurance of a mythical superiority.

PPs have suggested you focus on your own blasé confidence and pride in yourself, and simply ignore

• also that straightforward practical advice for how to behave beautifully in any situation can be found in a copy of Debrett’s which you can probably pick up in the library. (The website is subscription, and that’s going a bit far!)

Remember - it’s extremely bad manners to make anyone feel ill at ease or inferior, and no-one truly posh and of any value would ever do such a thing

@DaisyNGO

To become part of the family, what if yes the relationship is good now, but what if family pressures overtime start to affect the relationship ect, better to have a more stable position with the family, rather than just being seen as the "outsider" so to speak .

Milk and then just as it comes dear?
I'm afraid the preserve's full of stones;
Beg pardon, I'm soiling the doileys
With afternoon tea-cakes and scones.“

Scon-s, surely! 😂

@DaisyNGO sorry I interpreted your I don’t want to get it as you didn’t care, it was intended to be pejorative.

It’s a pity you find yourself avoiding certain things because of how you think people might judge you. It really doesn’t matter is all I was trying to say

A few tips:
Always take your own silver cutlery out with you. Use it to delicately cut up and eat a banana, whilst commenting how ghastly it is that some people eat theirs with their fingers like apes!
Explain that you did not know the correct pronunciation for a garage because your parents always had a cart lodge.
Sit there lamely expecting to be waited on as though you are used to a private butler and wouldn't have a clue what to do without one.
Dress in something tweed that Lady Di would have worn in the 80s and always dress as though you are about to attend a casual pheasant shoot (holes in clothing is perfectly acceptable as is rocking up in a very old green landrover).

@Nocutenamesleft thank you so much!

[quote Hawkins001]@DaisyNGO

To become part of the family, what if yes the relationship is good now, but what if family pressures overtime start to affect the relationship ect, better to have a more stable position with the family, rather than just being seen as the "outsider" so to speak .[/quote]
I guess that's such an incomprehensible situation to me, i'd just find easier to reject the family.

But I'm a great believer that you marry the individual, whereas of course some people think of "marrying into a family".

@JeffThePilot

Milk and then just as it comes dear? I'm afraid the preserve's full of stones; Beg pardon, I'm soiling the doileys With afternoon tea-cakes and scones.“

Scon-s, surely! 😂

The speaker of the poem isn’t as posh as she thinks she is - the stones/scones rhyme at the end is perfect

[quote PegasusReturns]@DaisyNGO sorry I interpreted your I don’t want to get it as you didn’t care, it was intended to be pejorative.

It’s a pity you find yourself avoiding certain things because of how you think people might judge you. It really doesn’t matter is all I was trying to say [/quote]
Oh, that's not the only reason
These people are usually complete arseholes and the occasions usually require dressing up etc. I have suffered this occasionally for work reasons but there's never much of an ROI for this crap!

@DaisyNGO

I understand your perspectives, but from my experience, yes it's the individual that chooses you, but family relations can have an influence on the relationship.

As others have said its the confidence not to care.
I'd be grabbing bread rolls and taking care to cut them carefully with a knife in these situations 😂🔪🍞 although that shows I care a bit.
I just can't stand the sw things and it's true.. People with something to prove are the worst for this behaviour.

@MountainAshley

SIL in particular, will never correct me but quite often say 'I could never do xx, so tacky / common' knowing full well it's something I do! Most recently I have learnt that I say garage 'wrong'.

This in itself is very unclassy. It is also tacky. They are not as classy as they think they are if they say things like this to you, to make you feel uncomfortable.

Absolutely this! A friend's mum used to correct me like this when I visited their house as a child. Remember her telling me off for not putting down my knife & fork whilst drinking, eating peas in the wrong way, didn't like me shortening my friend's name as it was 'common'...I used to think it was because they were posh but as an adult I realise they were actually just snobby social climbers. I still remember how anxious I used to feel in her company. I think it's a bit of a power trip for them to be honest.

Hawkins sad but true.

At some point the man has to choose... Snuffle up to mummy and sis.. And bitch...

Or go to bed and wake up with beautiful soul mate??

Of course the upper classes can be wankers, just as people from any background can be. But certain things just aren't done. Calling other people common and correcting their speech is one of them because it's ill mannered, even if you're the type of pathetic bastard that wants to comment.
Much like if you witness someone in a restaurant lifting their plate to their face to lick it clean, you can be fairly certain they aren't English working, middle or upper class because it's just something we all know isn't culturally acceptable.

[quote 2022bebetter]@My200lbLife dinner etiquette is my weakness!

I once used the charger plate as my main plate that didn't go down well.[/quote]
I don’t understand how this happened as if food is being served in the middle of the table there would be a plate on the charger plate in front of you? Otherwise you’d wait on plated food to be served.

I haven’t read the thread but I can tell you these people may be posh but they have no class whatsoever. Regardless of money,education,etc to be rude to someone is completely unacceptable and nasty. For anyone to look down on someone is a terrible thing to do. Try and feel better in knowing that you are a much better person

[quote 2022bebetter]@TinDogTavern a charger plate is a trick. A plate that is put down that you're not supposed to eat off and another plate goes on top... [/quote]
🙄

@Imdreamingofapeacefulxmas

Hawkins sad but true.

At some point the man has to choose... Snuffle up to mummy and sis.. And bitch...

Or go to bed and wake up with beautiful soul mate??

Indeed, and sometimes no matter how good of an asset you can be, family can win more often than not.

The best one for us, was DH with his broad cockney accent being sneered at during pick up ( works van to boot as he did all of the repairs on our property himself at the time).

We showed some parents, who had been quite snooty at the gate, round a property in Belsize Park we had bought, rennovated and then were selling.

They asked us privately to drop the asking price cause they couldn't get the mortgage.

Um, No.

@Hawkins001

Learn

learning isn't the point.

The point is they want OP to know that she is different and doesn't fit in.

If they really cared about her fitting in and learning then SIL might have said long since "oh I know you haven't been to a point to point/reception at whereever before and please don't be insulted but I just wanted to say the women generally wear xyz - my own mother explained this to me when I went to my first one"

The whole point is to make OP feel excluded. It is very silly. And very insecure.

OP if you aren't offensive, gross at the dinner table or otherwise unmannerly, then just ignore. Smile and say "oh how interesting" every time SIL passes a comment.

They sound awful - they may think they are "posh" but they are very much lacking in class, not to mention good manners. Ignore them as much as possible, and please don't change yourself just to fit in - and for goodness sake don't start trying to change the way you speak.

They might think they are looking down their noses at you, but in actual fact you are the one who should be looking down at them. Remember that, smile, and move on.

The essence of good manners is to make others feel at ease and comfortable. Frankly OP your in-laws attitude towards you reflects badly on them, not you. Manners are not the preserve of the posh, nor are they an indication of class; they do however, indicate the calibre of the individual.
I can't go into details without outing the people involved but when I think about manners I remember an exchange between someone very junior (J) and a very senior professional (and titled) person. (S) at a work/ social eventJ stumbled over the 'correct' form for addressing S - lord/sir/duke/ etc- S dropped his voice and said ' J what does your mother call you? J slightly confused replied 'She calls me J' 'Just like my mum, only of course she calls me S' confided S, 'and that's what i answer to'

Indeed, and sometimes no matter how good of an asset you can be, family can win more often than not.

Considering a wife as an asset is a bit odd isn't it? But in any case if family "win" their son back over the pronounciation of garage, really will the OP have lost that much?