Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Perhaps it's a hint at your robust swearing that may be offending someone else? Maybe tone down your language in your professional workplace and bin the colouring book.

can you complain to the publisher?

Just bin it.

Honestly secret Santas can cause far too much stress. The combination of people thinking gifts need to be jokey, not necessarily knowing the recipient very well and the tendency for it to be something that is a long way down people’s priority list (leading to impulsive purchases) is a bad mix.

I’ve twice known people to get very upset over-interpreting an intent behind a secret Santa present which in all likelihood was never intended. In both cases the gifts IMO smacked of someone having a last minute panic and grabbing something from a shop without much thought, whereas the recipient read them as a veiled insult. In one case HR ended up conducting a formal investigation.

Yes your ‘gift’ is grim but I expect someone picked it up without examining it carefully.

As a young woman in a male dominated "professional" environment I once got a dot to dot book of sexual positions.

I just laughed awkwardly. I wouldn't if someone did that to a young colleague now.

People dont put much effort or thought into SS. Not everything has a dark motive.

I can’t believe how many people are playing this vile misogynistic gift done!! I’m with foxgoosefinch on this. Totally unacceptable and I think you should send the pictures round your whole team and say you don’t know who sent this but it’s not funny, you find it offensive and misogynistic, and also take it to HR. It’s attitudes like the ones on this thread, about taking a joke about something that is clearly deeply misogynistic and offensive, that contribute to us living in a culture where women are not respected or valued.

Quietly investigate, find out who it was, then keep a close eye on them.

A close eye on them for what exactly?

Follow them round when they go shopping to make sure that the don't buy any more inappropriate gifts?

Spy on them at home?

@Nordicwannabe

I would absolutely take this to HR. If it was an honest mistake, then they can apologise and learn to be more careful. If it was hidden mysogyny, then you've set a boundary and protected yourself.

"Women fail to understand how much men hate them." Germaine Greer

I agree with this. I have no doubt the, "Oops, I didn't look. Doesn't she have a sense of humour" defence will be deployed.

Nonetheless, it's important to alert HR to this. There would be guidance on Secret Santa (and more people might decide against it which would have many advantages—unwanted gifts are a huge source of environmental waste is so many ways).

Is it this one? I think you need to unclench. It was probably bought on Amazon. I gave my kids farting / pooing animals colouring books and didn't look at every page. It it offends you, review it.

@Juniper68

WorraLiberty there's swearing on every page by the sounds of it. And they knew it was inappropriate for OP.

I don't think the swearing is the problem.

It's the 'Cum dumpster', which they might not have spotted.

I remember my first secret santa. I was very young. A friend and I went to a sex shop to buy our gifts. I think they were probably worse than this! But it wasn't malicious or done to make anyone feel bad. It was just a joke gift. (Fortunately it was in the days before HR, actually it was still Personnel in those days, was on speed dial.) Maybe this was given in the same spirit. Just bin it and don't give it anymore thought.

Photo fail

By the way, that would fall under Sexual Harassment in the Equality Act 2010

I was given a puzzle ffs! My work colleagues know me well and I am definitely not a puzzle person!!!!!. I have just put it in the charity shop pile and won't do it again next year! Its a shame because I chose a present that was suited to the person I picked!

I think it's wildly inappropriate for a professional environment. I know MNers think it's ok to swear, but I don't and certainly not in the workplace and I would never give anything like that as a Secret Santa present, even to someone who did swear a lot. I keep my Santa presents very bland and anodyne!

It also amazes me that something with porn type expressions would even be for sale as a colouring book!

I don’t like the swear words, not because I’m a prude but ‘cum dumpster’ is just vile.

However YABVVVU with this:
and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer

You make it sound like a sneer, lots of adults colour. There are loads of people for who ‘colouring’ is a job, artists, graphic designers. I think you need to get over your weird idea that it’s for children and below you.

Secret Santas are the pits - especially work based ones.

They really are not worth giving a second thought to.

Please don’t just bin it ffs, there’s enough landfill without people dumping brand new gifts. Post it on recycle, someone will want it and not be offended

If your job can be stressful then colouring can be seen as a stress relief by some people so there's really no insult in being an 'adult colourer'. As for the actual book clearly this person doesn't know you at all and it's very bizarre to give that sort of gift to someone you don't know that well, surely it would have been safer to get something a bit generic.

I’d be mentioning to my team that it wasn’t funny/appropriate, probably in a scathing eyeroll way.

If it was me, I might put that photo on our team WhatsApp group or mention it in a team catch up like, “Eek, didn’t expect to find THIS in my Secret Santa. How gross”.

I get along with them all really well, so I know they’d be most receptive to hearing from me like that and that it would elicit sympathy from the group plus signals to the gift giver that it’s not ok.

Could this be an option for you?

@BiggerBoat1

If you don't find it funny bin it and move on.

Don't be the twat who makes a big deal of it after Christmas.

Agree - don't start a witch hunt or take it to HR 🙄 . It's really not worth causing yourself stress over for possibly weeks when you can solve it in 1 min .

I’m not in disagreement with you on the inappropriate nature of this particular colouring book. But I do take issue with your apparently derogatory view of adults who colour. It can be very therapeutic and relaxing and I have done it. It’s certainly not beneath me and I’m very intelligent and very capable and perfectly able to hold my own at work.

This is absolutely one to take to HR. I’m a senior manager in a professional organisation and if one of my team gave this to a colleague I’d absolutely want to know and they’d probably be facing disciplinary action for sexual harassment. “I didn’t check” wouldn’t be an excuse.

Ugh, pretty nasty. But I think it's the ultimate in a thoughtless gift, rather than a personal attack. Probably they didn't even look beyond the title, and thought of it as meaning 'relieve your stress by colouring when life gets fucking frustrating'. It might even have been a re-gift. Unless you know that someone at work is inclined to be crude, just put it in the recycling box and forget it.

I wouldn't be offended at a colouring book and crayons per se - small gift, invitation/opportunity to try something new that's allegedly relaxing - not something to take personally as being a "colouring type of person".

Having googled the title, it's very obvious what the content is, it can't have been a "not noticed what was on page 27" type of error.
Just be thankful that you are not the idiot who clearly has a puerile sense of humour and total lack of professional judgement. I wouldn't bring it up, although might mention it if there was a general office conversation about secret santa gifts when you're back.

Until November, when it is the perfect excuse not to participate in SS2022.