Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Some of you have clearly never had to work with an absolute Cartman: someone constantly policing the behaviour of others despite being on the same level of them, snitching to HR about what they 'witnessed' even when neither participant in an exchange of banter was at all upset, taking offence on the behalf of hypothetical people, all to draw attention to themselves.

This thread isn’t even remotely about that. This is about a woman who has been sent a rather vile piece of misogyny as a “joke” - it’s nothing to do with whatever your own experiences of “Cartman” have been.

Next year when it’s raised, you could say no given the frankly crude and thoughtless present you were given last time. Very cringe.

There's no way I'd buy that for a colleague I barely know

That's pretty gross. But I'd be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt that the purchaser just thought it was a funny title, and didn't look through the actual contents too closely.

I'd just put it in the recycling and forget about it.

Years ago, a "friend" got me a book of sexual positions - with actual photographs of a couple "doing it" - for Christmas! I was 17, never even kissed a guy, and was mortified! No way could I take that home to my parents! I ended up detouring home via the big recycling bins at my local supermarket, and chucking it in there.

Hmm. In terms of office Cartmans, imagine that you work with one or more trans/non-binary people. You get on well with these people but someone else in the office (who is neither trans nor non-binary) discovers you are a Mumsnet user and decides that you are transphobic and are making the workplace unsafe for your colleagues...

Again, OP is not unreasonable to dislike this 'gift'. She might well be unreasonable to snitch to HR and make it a bigger issue than it is.

I’m no fan of the daft pronouns/nb stuff either, Wreath, but being given an anonymous gift of “cum dumpster” is not quite in the same ballpark. I don’t think women should accept outright misogyny in the workplace as “humorous” just because someone else might manufacture offence for another reason.

Imagine if you told a colleague to ignore racist material they’d been given, just in case someone else in the office used it as an excuse to get offended about their pronouns?

OP has been given this thing herself, and she is offended by it. Why bring up the unrelated topic of people who imagine someone else taking offence when it has nothing to do with them?

She might well be unreasonable to snitch to HR and make it a bigger issue than it is
OP gets to decide how big an issue it is. Not you.

PMSL that someone has managed to use this thread to have a completely irrelevant dig at some trans people. Good grief.

@Wreath21

Hmm. In terms of office Cartmans, imagine that you work with one or more trans/non-binary people. You get on well with these people but someone else in the office (who is neither trans nor non-binary) discovers you are a Mumsnet user and decides that you are transphobic and are making the workplace unsafe for your colleagues...

Again, OP is not unreasonable to dislike this 'gift'. She might well be unreasonable to snitch to HR and make it a bigger issue than it is.

Has someone actually accused you of transphobia at work simply because you are a mumsnet user? Because if this has actually happened, that would be unpleasant and create a hostile working environment. But whether it’s true or weird made up whataboutery, it had nothing to do with the OP

@StrangerThanSpring my point was that taking things out of context, switching them around, can make us realise how offensive something is. This kind of thing is what happens to women all the time and I believe we need to keep aware so we can challenge and therefore change things.

A very good friend bought me a colouring book from this range a few years ago. She was mortified when she later saw the content. She literally went on to Amazon, saw a sweary colouring book and bought it. She didn't look inside and tbf, it was probably about February before I did either. Unless you've got reason to think otherwise I'd chalk this up to laziness, nothing more

I'm going to go against the grain and say that this is something that would merit followup. This is so grossly inappropriate for the workplace and so sickly misogynistic that I couldn't let it stand.

BUT, I would assume the person who got it didn't check it carefully enough; I wouldn't go straight to assuming malice/sexual harassment. And I don't think I'd raise it right now. I'd either wait a few weeks and then raise it with my manager in a 'let's do things differently for Christmas 2022' way, or I'd wait until the autumn and raise it then, when people are starting to gear up for Christmas.

Depends what kind of management/team structure you have, but if there's a suitable meeting I'd bring an image or two of the worst images (cum dumpster!!! wtaf ) and say look, this is clearly an accident but I got given this for the Secret Santa and this is just gross and shows appalling judgement and how do we avoid this ever happening again.

tbh I'd also work out what company made it and write to complain/ name and shame them on social media. I love the idea of adult colouring books but this shit is not on.

Well you’ve made the “news” www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/mum-left-fuming-pathetic-secret-25818616?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=mirror_weird&fbclid=IwAR0mHXX0vdvrtUjaIAFeEfSQd4206uyqqw7OMyGE4oMrpcKWRqocQl6igyM

Busted 😂😂

Someone shared it to Facebook and I was like wait I recognise this 🤣

Well at least it will save the OP the job of reporting it

[quote Changemaname1]Well you’ve made the “news” www.mirror.co.uk/news/weird-news/mum-left-fuming-pathetic-secret-25818616?utm_source=facebook.com&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=mirror_weird&fbclid=IwAR0mHXX0vdvrtUjaIAFeEfSQd4206uyqqw7OMyGE4oMrpcKWRqocQl6igyM[/quote]
I wonder why the picture the mirror has chosen to represent the OP, is that of a woman in her 70s? OP said she is 50.

BewilderedPiskie have you seen this?

That article hmm

Designs such as slut and a sexual slur PMSL

So slut is not a sexual slur on it's own? And the book is full of sexual slurs.

I also noticed the photo and the ratio of comments quoted defending compared to against.

@Wreath21, why do you use the word 'snitch' when what you are describing is reporting a breach of workplace protocol which is supposed to make it inclusive and a safe place for women?

^You live in a wealthy, middle-class neighbourhood. Probably full of smug gits who think that the problems in poor neighbourhoods are due to poor people making bad choices, being lazy and feral etc.
Smug gits are generally able to believe that the police are there to protect, rather than to control them.^

This is just one big piece of ignorant bullshit.

LOL at the paranoia.
'Control' - pmsl.

@Wreath21

Reposting with italics.

You live in a wealthy, middle-class neighbourhood. Probably full of smug gits who think that the problems in poor neighbourhoods are due to poor people making bad choices, being lazy and feral etc.
Smug gits are generally able to believe that the police are there to protect, rather than to control them.

This is one big steaming pile of bigoted, ignorant bullshit.

LOL at the paranoia.
'Control' - pmsl.

Overzealous self-appointed workplace morality guardians tend to create a toxic atmosphere, too.

This is another big steaming pile of BS from @Wreath21.

Morality has nothing to do with it.

People creating a hostile atmosphere are breaking the law and making life miserable for women and others who are not straight white males. This includes the people you think you care about from disadvantaged neighbourhoods.