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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

363 replies

BewilderedPiskie · 29/12/2021 11:55

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?
OP posts:
ProfessionalWeirdo · 29/12/2021 12:17

@DowntonCrabby

It’s vile, just bin it, I wouldn’t even give it another moment of thought to say something. Do you know who gave you it? was it a man?
That was my first thought too..
BooksAndGin · 29/12/2021 12:18

Just bin it. Don't be that person who makes a big deal.

Elodeastar · 29/12/2021 12:19

Dump/recycle/charity shop (explain the content though), don't take part next year. Someone things they are funny, and are not, or someone didn't look through the book, or someone is getting rid of a crap present they got?

StepAwayFromGoogling · 29/12/2021 12:19

I'm going with the majority and saying they probably just thought it was a load of swear words to colour in. Probably not very well thought through but I imagine they thought it was funny. I'm guessing they didn't give too much thought as to whether you were an adult colourer.

WorraLiberty · 29/12/2021 12:19

@Juniper68

I don't believe for one minute they didn't know. It's some sick bastard imo.
You don't believe for one minute that they didn't stand there and go through every single page before buying?
foxgoosefinch · 29/12/2021 12:19

@BiggerBoat1

If you don't find it funny bin it and move on.

Don't be the twat who makes a big deal of it after Christmas.

Yeah - women not wanting to be made the butt of a joke, or feel upset by something clearly inappropriate at work: that clearly marks them out as “twats” (nice use of misogynist language there).

I don’t happen to think anyone should have to put up with that in the workplace, just because “not making a big deal out of it” is somehow expected.

WonderfulYou · 29/12/2021 12:20

YABU

I saw this colouring book and thought it was funny and something I was tempted to get as a gift.
I didn’t in the end but if I had I wouldn’t have gone through every single page to see if each one was appropriate.

The giver probably skimmed through it like I did and the ones they saw were harmless.

In my workplace the secret Santa gifts are jokey yet practical - so I would say this fits the bill perfectly.
However my previous workplace the gifts were serious and this wouldn’t have gone down well. So it depends on what your workplace is like I guess.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 29/12/2021 12:20

They won't have known what was on every page. They think you swear alot and have a good sense of humour so thought you'd find it funny 🤷‍♀️

MissyB1 · 29/12/2021 12:20

That was some passive aggressive cheeky fucker having a pop at you. They knew full well how inappropriate it was. Quietly investigate, find out who it was, then keep a close eye on them.

Muthalucka · 29/12/2021 12:21

I’d talk about it loudly in staff room saying how
Weird a gift it was

Juniper68 · 29/12/2021 12:22

WorraLiberty there's swearing on every page by the sounds of it. And they knew it was inappropriate for OP.

Karmagoat · 29/12/2021 12:22

I have this colouring book! Given to me by my best friend though and we share the same sense of humour. Definitely not appropriate for a work secret santa though!

fedup078 · 29/12/2021 12:22

I always put a lot of thought into gifts but with secret Santa I have been offended a few times
Last time I also got swear word related gifts 🙄
Once I got a mug that was a direct dig at my mental health issues

LolaButt · 29/12/2021 12:23

I doubt it would be directed as a personal insult.

More like someone who thought the swearing was funny but didn’t look through it. Perhaps a risqué SS for a family member but not appropriate for the office, even if just generic swear words.

Safer bet is to buy someone a candle.

Juniper68 · 29/12/2021 12:23

@fedup078

I always put a lot of thought into gifts but with secret Santa I have been offended a few times Last time I also got swear word related gifts 🙄 Once I got a mug that was a direct dig at my mental health issues
That's disgusting ☹
thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2021 12:23

I think its yuck but I'd be prepared to bet the person buying it didn't look that closely and just bought it in a last minute panic to get a present. I'd just bin it.

AppleButterfly · 29/12/2021 12:24

Wildly inappropriate and I would say something. The social expectation is women are quiet when made to feel uncomfortable due to sexual comments / harassment etc. I hope whoever gifts it realises it is inappropriate and deeply embarrassed after its offensive nature is called out.

MarshmallowFondant · 29/12/2021 12:24

I am usually a massive fan of giving stuff to the charity shop but the one I volunteer in would not sell that. Too offensive.

Nordicwannabe · 29/12/2021 12:24

I would absolutely take this to HR. If it was an honest mistake, then they can apologise and learn to be more careful. If it was hidden mysogyny, then you've set a boundary and protected yourself.

"Women fail to understand how much men hate them." Germaine Greer

Bogofftosomewherehot · 29/12/2021 12:24

I'd bin it and move on. Not worth creating a fuss about.

Hankunamatata · 29/12/2021 12:25

They probably didn't look through the book. Just saw the book, laughed and brought it. Secret santa is always crap presents with people trying to be funny

MrsLargeEmbodied · 29/12/2021 12:25

revolting

just bin it

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 29/12/2021 12:25

It's inappropriate. I would assume they are regifting something crap they were given. Place carefully in cardboard recycling and forget about it.

custardbear45 · 29/12/2021 12:26

As others have said, it's not a personal insult. It's just a shit present.

I always used to try and get something at least semi personal when it came to secret Santa at work. It's not hard to find out one small fact about a colleague. However I ended up with so many generic gift sets back that I stopped bothering eventually.

I think you need to get over yourself a little bit in this case but I do agree its a rubbish gift and quite inappropriate for a colleague.

Georgeskitchen · 29/12/2021 12:26

Aren't secret Santa's supposed to be a bit jokey? I'm pretty sure the buyer didn't check every page. If I was you I would just quietly bin the offending item rather than kicking up a big stink and making yourself look like an over sensitive teenage girl