Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

That sounds gross and highly inappropriate but I expect the giver didn’t look beyond the cover and thought it was humorous.

Do people really think this is acceptable? The content for this book is clear from the Amazon page but if I bought a different sweary colouring in book for a work secret Santa, I’d definitely give it a proper check before handing it over. And it by error I’d bought a book that crossed a line, I’d quickly nip out for a box of chocolates instead.

This is bloody horrible.

I’ve no idea why people have concluded OP swears like a trooper at work.

YANBU, Op.

The person took a risk as not everyone would like that. But I assume they thought the receiver would find it funny.

@me4real

The person took a risk as not everyone would like that. But I assume they thought the receiver would find it funny.

I dont know anyone who would like that

Missing the point of the thread entirely but I never realised there was such a stigma attached to be an adult 'colourer' - does anyone know why or what is wrong with it?

@CovidForChristmas

That Baylis & Harding gift set isn’t looking so bad now.

I think you've got to be a special kind of stupid to give something like that as a SS gift. It's so obvious that it would be offensive to many people that you have to know your audience well to think someone would like it.
I agree with others above - it misogyny, and it is harrassment to send something with explicit sexual references to a work colleague under whatever guise. I mean if someone came up to you in the workplace and said cum dumpster at you, you'd be rightly offended. Why should anyone take it as a joke if it is disguised as a comedy SS gift' . I'd put good money on it being from a man and it being targeted at the OP because of her sex and her age.
And its not about being easily offended (I am very hard to offend - I couldn't care less about swearing etc in social situations) but it is wildly inappropriate in the workplace with colleagues with whom you have a totally different relationship than you might have with your friends.

I would bin it and opt out of any future SS, some people just see SS as an excuse to be gross and inappropriate, God knows why - because they are idiots I presume.

No don't have a word to the team about it. It's secret Santa. It's meant to be fun. It may me that someone new got it because they just ought joke presents or funny gifts at their previous workplace.

@WeaninWoes

Get. Over. Yourself.

Maybe they're just as offended by your potty mouth in the office and assume as do I bad language is bad language and also probably didn't look at every page.

If the bad language OP uses is sexual in nature, then someone may also have a case for Sexual Harassment under the Equality Act, since it doesn't need to be directed at you in order to create a hostile environment. Eg colleagues sharing sexual images in the workplace would be sexual harassment if they make you feel uncomfortable, even if not shared directly with you.

But sending this book directly to the OP is in a different league. And not a very clear way to ask her to change her language

I wouldn't let that stop you from complaining to HR - but of course would be ready to apologise and stop swearing if that's requested. Assuming no one else in the office swears, of course. Asking OP to moderate her language but not asking the same of men who use the same language would obviously be sexist and illegal.

I'd say it's more odd than offensive. Those types of gifts are okay if you know someone with that type of humor not for a work mate that you hardly know.

@Hotyogahotchoc

No don't have a word to the team about it. It's secret Santa. It's meant to be fun. It may me that someone new got it because they just ought joke presents or funny gifts at their previous workplace.

I do not undersatnd this attitude at all. Yes it is supposed to be fun - so buy a nice fun present.

If you buy an actually offensive item, you deserve to get called out for it.

I got the same one. I presumed it reflected the stressful nature of our job and was a top Amazon hit. As such I laughed. When I found some of the ruder sexual stuff I laughed about how someone hadn’t quality checked all the pages and joked about using it as evidence of workplace bullying.
I really didn’t see it as part of a toxic work place culture or evidence that people were looking to upset me. We’re those things already made issue I might feel different but if they aren’t I would be loathe to make a big deal of it personally.

Before you run squealing to HR, have a think about whether anyone in your team has ever shown any creepy, aggressive or inappropriate behaviour (either towards you or towards your colleagues.)
It is more likely that the giver just thought it would be funny and didn't look at it in much detail, but if there have been previous 'jokes' or offensive remarks that startled or upset other people it might be worth putting the word out that this was rude and unfunny.

It's the sort of thing I might have bought for one or two of my colleagues as I know them well enough to know they would find it amusing - and if you are quite sweary at work then the most likely explanation really is that someone thought you would take the joke in good part.

Only you know your colleagues. Have a think about whether one or more are unpleasant enough to make this worth pursuing - and whether you want to risk becoming the office screaming funsponge/snitch and creating an unpleasant working atmosphere.

Gift giving and communication is complicated. Many workplaces have different secret Santa approaches with some all smut and others more gift orientated. I found your aside about those who do adult colouring ruder than the book.

@CrumpledCrumpet

Hmm having found the specific book in question I’m somewhat revising my opinion as even a cursory glance through it would have shown that a lot of the content is very grim. There’s a few generic swears but most of the content is sexual slurs.

Go F*ck Yourself, I'm Coloring: Adult Coloring Book: 50 Swear Words To Color Your Anger Away ]]

I agree, from the overview on Amazon you can see it's primarily nasty slurs about women having loose vaginas and being receptacles for cum.

My (adult) daughter wanted a calligraphy practice book and I got her a swearword-based one on Amazon. I had a good "look in the book" online and then looked through it again when it came to make sure there wasn't anything like this in it.

I'd give it to the person in question and say that it's full of upleasant sexist shit and you expect he'd like to send it back and give it a bad review, as you know he's not a woman-hater. Let him disagree with that if he likes!

it is harrassment to send something with explicit sexual references to a work colleague under whatever guise

@AmyDudley The person genuinely thought the receiver would find it humorous (I wouldn't necessarily IDK, but I acknowledge that these books are made as humorous things.)

The whole point of the adult/mindfulness colouring books is that they're fluffy/positive. So there are swear word ones (I've seen them online before) because part of the 'joke' is turning that fluffiness on its head and being as sweary as possible. I get that some of the terms are misogynistic, but it's misogynistic 'humour' for those that are into that.

I know to an extent what it's like to be sent something like this that really isn't your thing, though.

"A professional environment" - what does that mean? A workplace? Unless you actually do work in the Professions?
Or does it mean as opposed to an "unprofessional" environment?
Either way, pretentious language aside, that is a horrible gift - just disgusting.

It's incredible to me that people think it's not bizarre beyond belief someone chose to give this colouring book in the context of a work Secret Santa. Not "looking through all the pages" is no excuse - the general tone is apparent and it's not appropriate. Even if you know the person you're sending it to quite well, opening it in a group situation (which you have to assume could happen even if it technically didn't here) could be an excuse for someone to question your judgement.

All of that said - I have no idea what I would do in the OPs shoes - probably bin it.

Although I am sympathetic to the view of a PP who advised the OP to hang onto it for a bit to see if other unusual things happen.

I'd need to know a lot more about the workplace and colleagues in question (as well as the team dynamic) to be sure here.

I get that some of the terms are misogynistic, but it's misogynistic 'humour' for those that are into that.

But the workplace is not the place for misogynist humour. That’s the law and anyone who works in a professional environment should know that.

@Martha8

"A professional environment" - what does that mean? A workplace? Unless you actually do work in the Professions? Or does it mean as opposed to an "unprofessional" environment? Either way, pretentious language aside, that is a horrible gift - just disgusting.

I am guessing but I think the poster means a general 'work' environment. (Where people can think they know people better than they actually do, IME...)

am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer

I love colouring, nothing wrong with being an adult colourer.
I'd love a colouring book as a present, I've seen these sweary ones before but they're not really my thing - I'm more of a colour in the pretty flowers and birds type person
They'll probably have just assumed like I would have done that it was swear words.
Cum dumpster is beyond grim, it would never have occurred that stuff like that would be in.
Maybe they're the same, doubt they went through the whole book looking to see what swear words there are.
So YABU
(but not U about thinking that phrase is disgusting)

@Martha8

"A professional environment" - what does that mean? A workplace? Unless you actually do work in the Professions? Or does it mean as opposed to an "unprofessional" environment? Either way, pretentious language aside, that is a horrible gift - just disgusting.

A professional environment to me means a workplace where there are general norms not to use offensive terms etc.

I have worked previouslly in catering, many kitchens are workplaces but not what I would term a 'professional environment' due to the widely tolerated bullying, namecalling, sexist remarks etc.

I don't consider the term 'professional' to be patronising.

Don't want to post the overview on here directly, but here is a picture of the back of this book:
images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81H8yUD-aaL.jpg
Anyone looking at the back of the book would realise that it's more than just sweary.

recycle.