Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Do you have a communal area at work? I'd leave it there.

@karmakameleon

It is a book of swear words. Lots of swear words are yucky things or sex related. Try and think of 50 swears (proper ones, not hell etc). The author had to think of something to fill those pages.

If you don’t have enough content, generally you don’t write the book

Erm yes, I'm not a fan of the book. Just saying, they had the idea. The fact cum dumpster is even in the book is proof they ran out of words, that's my only point. I'd be offended to receive this crap

Even DH finds lots of them nasty, but can't seem to tell this man to stop for some reason

Because like most men he is a bit of a hypocrite. I'm sure he says all the right things but when it touches him personally he is looking the other way. This doesn't make him unusual in the least, but it is the reason.

I really don't see why the fact that the OP doesn't make a fuss about people using random swear words in the work place she has to tolerate targeted misogyny. Nor do I see why she should comply with the giver's behaviour and just keep quiet about it. Its their shame not hers.

In many places this kind of action would result in disciplining - its not ok just because the giver is too cowardly to put their name to it or because "its Xmas".

I would tell at least the other women and suggest to the organiser that their well intended idea is being used to harass and start thinking of something different next year.

OP do you know what other people received? Was yours an oddity or do they keep the gifts secret? If the latter maybe other people have had similarly shit "gifts".

[quote LittleRoundRobin]@BewilderedPiskie

YANBU! That is horrible. I would re-gift it back. Then again, if it's a Secret Santa, you don't always know who got it you.

So.... as pps have said, just bin it. I am not a prude, and have a decent sense of humour, but I hate filth like this. As you say, who the F thought it was OK to gift to ANYONE, let alone a woman. It was definitely a man who got this. Definitely. A woman would not send this.

My DH has a male colleague at work (aged 59,) who constantly comes out with horrible, disgusting 'jokes.' Sometimes racist, sometimes sexist, and often filthy and perverted. He's a pig.

He sends DH three or four 'jokes' every evening via text, (he gets them off he internet, they're not his!) and I have had to tell DH to stop reading them out because I find them vile and sickening and just plain offensive. And I am fucked off with hearing these nasty 'jokes.'

I was tempted (the other week) to get DH's phone when he was in the shower, and block this vile male colleague of his! Even DH finds lots of them nasty, but can't seem to tell this man to stop for some reason. [/quote]
@LittleRoundRobin

Your DH reads out these jokes, so I assume he finds them funny. He's just as much a problem as the man who sent them to your DH

And, does your DH send them on to other people?

OP, in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd go to HR, but I would speak to the SS organiser and ask them to tell the giver that you found the gift offensive and inappropriate

But then I’m just a humourless feminist who thinks that women should no longer have to put up with nasty “jokes” at work in order to maintain some kind of social politeness, or to coddle the feelings of spiteful or silly people. No thanks.
Absolutely ditto. In my twenties and probably very early thirties I would have faked an awkward laugh at something like this, so as not to be thought of as dull, but now, no way.

I doubt the giver looked at every page. Probably just picked one by the front cover.

I once got a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. Was paranoid for ages that it had a secret meaning.
Turns out he just saw it on the way into tesco, right on budget, so just picked it up.

Don't overthink it. Just put it in the bin.

I've changed my mind. I'd go to HR. There's no place for anyone who thinks that is OK in a business. Unless it's an adult colouring book business obviously.

I think those phrases cross the line well into sexual harrasment, and a worker there who feels they can hide behind secrecy in order to humiliate you.

In my industry this person would be out on their arse. There'd be zero tolerance for this.

@monotonousmum

I doubt the giver looked at every page. Probably just picked one by the front cover.

I once got a bottle of extra virgin olive oil. Was paranoid for ages that it had a secret meaning.
Turns out he just saw it on the way into tesco, right on budget, so just picked it up.

Don't overthink it. Just put it in the bin.

No! This is not the way to get this to go away - “don’t overthink, be kind, maybe they are suffering their own problems” - bolovks!! There is nothing bad about saying “Hey, did you realise this thing has words such as ‘cum dumpster’ in it which is completely disgraceful and not something we need at [company name] so let’s not do that again, thanks - no one wants to be associated with that kind of language or attitude, including our [brand/product/website/production/people]

I would guess they bought it without looking too carefully. So I would not say anything. But I would bin it immediately!

It is a book of swear words. Lots of swear words are yucky things or sex related

The issue with “cum dumpster” is not that it’s a “yucky thing”. It’s grossly offensive, not far off giving a black person a colouring book containing the n word.

If women hadn’t “made a big deal” of how we were treated over the years we would still be treated as chattel and not had the vote or equal pay 🙄 and Benny Hill and Miss Works would still be on mainstream tv . You realise we had to fight for evertthing we’ve got now?

Fuck this I would go and complain to her and demand action. Dh would too. But we are bolshy 40 somethings I fear my twenty something self would have simpered and done nothing (whilst feeling degraded and got at)

*Miss World

• Vonokain to HR not her

Complain!

@Bambooshoot
That's not what I said though. I'm just saying I doubt they even realise what was in it, and not to take it as a personal insult.

Nothing about santa having his own problems. It's a shit gift, without a doubt.

I quite like the suggestion of putting it in a communal area, then everyone else can see how horrible it is. But I wouldn't assume that the giver was trying to insult the OP.

@ChristmasRobins

It is a book of swear words. Lots of swear words are yucky things or sex related

The issue with “cum dumpster” is not that it’s a “yucky thing”. It’s grossly offensive, not far off giving a black person a colouring book containing the n word.

I didn't comment on the word itself. Of course it's the internet so people will pick apart anything you say. My point is it's kind of obscure as a swear, it's two words for a start

To be clear, it's a crappy book, hence why they're scrimping for words like cum dumpster. Someone said it's like £3.50. It's a shitty Amazon gift someone made to get a bit of money

(Yes it's definitely misogynistic to use it as an insult, that's obvious, don't think many people are said otherwise)

@roolz If you’re not commenting on the words, what are you commenting on? Just calling it a “crappy book” and a “shitty Amazon gift” is minimising how wildly inappropriate and offensive it is.

I quite like the suggestion of putting it in a communal area, then everyone else can see how horrible it is.

Quite a few people have made this suggestion and although I’m sure the OP doesn’t intend to go down this path, it’s worth pointing out that this could mean the OP has an HR complaint directed against her. Anyone who saw this in the workplace could reasonably claim to be offended by it.

I’m another who would have put up with this when I was younger and more junior, and very likely would have colluded as no one wants to stick their head above the parapet. But I’m older now and have senior management responsibilities. Part of my role is to uphold the values and culture of my organisation. I’d not be doing my job if I turned a blind eye.

@notanothertakeaway

OP, in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd go to HR, but I would speak to the SS organiser and ask them to tell the giver that you found the gift offensive and inappropriate

Yup. The more I think about it, the more unacceptable I think it is. One for HR.

Adult colouring suggests that the person doing it has not enough of an artistic gift to actually design and draw and outline themselves to "colour in" or can't be bothered. It also suggests they have a lot of time on their hands to produce something unoriginal.

Well, most people don't have that sort of artistic gift! Unless the job is something related to art and design, it wouldn't even occur to me to worry about that.

It's something many people do to relax, and at least it's more creative than many of the things (usually involving screens in some way) that we do to relax.

I'm not even into adult colouring books, but some of the condemnations sound so snooty.

I am, however, happy to be snooty about this particular colouring book: it sounds absolutely vile!

There's quite a scale between doing nothing at all despite finding the book offensive, and raising a formal complaint. Again, the most important thing is the OP's assessment of her workmates and her judgement as to whether this is more likely to have been silly, thoughtless and lazy (as some PP said, a person thinking 'sweary colouring book for a colleague who swears, less than £5, that will do')and a person thinking 'let's send a really offensive gift to OP because she's a bitch who needs putting in her place'.
If OP has her doubts about a specific colleague who has form for pushing limits and claiming it's banter then perhaps a word with HR might be in order. If not, then a few comments to other colleagues she knows well - or to whoever organised it - that her Secret Santa gift was a bit much and maybe doing the thing at all is not a good idea might be more effective.

I agree with PP who said leave it in a communal space.

I'd be very confused by this gift. As if anyone thinks that's a decent, even passable gift for a work secret Santa! Very inappropriate.
My colleague got given a cliff Richard calendar and it was consider risque 🤣😂
I very much doubt it was personal. Maybe given by someone young who doesn't have much experience in secret santas?
Recycle.
Don't report to HR, it's unlikely to work out how you would like.
Opt out of the secret santa next year.

Because Secret Santas do very often cause trouble. If it's not people gifting offensive or potentially offensive items (in a workplace where there isn't a shared and enjoyable culture of pisstaking) it's people sulking and flouncing because they put So Much Effort into a carefully chosen present and got a pack of pound shop toiletries themselves.

My workplace did one and as far as I know, nobody has felt hurt or insulted - my gift was some scented candles which will be useful as I have a rather farty teenager. But then there aren't very many of us...