Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Sorry, sent wrong faces

Take it to HR a but don’t leave it with them and ask what you should do

HR

@UnRavellingFast

If ‘cum dumpster’ was given to a male gay colleague anonymously, how would people view it?

I'm not sure what your point is but absolutely no one should be referred to as a cum dumpster. It's disgusting.

I would have no issue with passing this on to HR and telling them you didn't appreciate it. This kind of shit gets played off as office banter all the time. It's not ok and I can't believe all the people making excuses for the bastard who gave it to her.

If you were a person who never swore in the office, & made it clear that you find swearing distasteful, then maybe you could take the item as a dig.

But you do say that you like ‘ robust swear’ & that your workplace can be stressful, so I assume that you do swear at work. Likely your Secret Santa looked no further than the front of the book & thought that’ll do OP, she likes a good swear.

For some a robust swear goes a lot further than you (or I) would be comfortable with & that book caters for a broad market.

Chalk this episode up to experience: you could just bin the item.

Maybe turn this round? Set up an office swear bucket, colour in a few acceptable phrases & stick them round the bucket with a swear tariff, proceeds go to charity. Anyone suggests putting up one of the worst phrases in the book - & they won’t as it is a professional workplace - but if they do, tell them exactly why. Then you are in a position to say someth8ng.

As long as the worst swearing/derogatory/misogynistic terms are not used in the office, then keep this light & turn it round.

‘ Would the person (man or woman) who gave this piece of garbage have given it to a man?’

Yes.

Hmmm @BewilderedPiskie, is that image of the front cover? As seen on the shop shelf?

Really, @UniversalAunt?

A colouring book for a man. How woke.

How is it woke if a man likes colouring
Or do you think men should only drink beer and hammer some dry wall
You know, MAN stuff

There has been quite a bit of consideration of the application of 'zero tolerance' policies doing rather more harm than good.

@Wreath21
It has been observed that it is important to crack down hard and consistently on what is called 'quality of life' problems. In the case I mentioned, erasing graffiti means no gang tagging, and sends a message to gangs that gang activity is not tolerated. Give gangs an inch and they will take a mile. Same goes for men inclined to dominate a workplace and create a hostile environment for women, gay people, etc.

The misogynistic 'banter' that so many women (and gay people) have to put up with because it's considered low level - and therefore completely acceptable, something they should be willing to put up with in exchange for the privilege of being let out to work - is a form of turf marking in exactly the way gangs tagging turf is. It's one group of people (men) making it plain that the office is run on their terms in order to make sure another group of people knows its place.

I live in a well run, very racially and economically diverse municipality where property taxes pay for excellent public schools which provide a vast range of support services for struggling students (academic, social-emotional, support for students who are parents/creche in the school, a discipline policy aimed at eliminating detentions and suspensions) along with great public recreational facilities, libraries, and outreach and youth programmes run by police, park district, and the public health department.

An integrated and consensus driven approach to issues is not only possible, it's the only way to ensure results. The result in the case of the place where I live is solid, community-wide support for police and policing, for school administrations, and willingness to shoulder the tax burden that makes it all possible.

There is an 11pm curfew for under 18s. Parks are off limits after 10pm. I can take a walk outdoors any time, day or night, in my neighbourhood. I could leave children's toys out on my front lawn (which had no fence or wall around it as in many American municipalities) all night when my DCs were young. I often leave my back door unlocked at night.

This is a very nice place for children to grow up and form their opinions of the world and their place in it. It's a high trust society with a high degree of trust in the institutions that keep it ticking over, thanks to zero tolerance and the other elements that go hand in hand with it.

Just watch Colin in Black and White on Netflix. Watch it. One of the things that upsets the character and brings him down are the constant micro aggressions he gets for being black. This is the same.

Set up an office swear bucket
If that isn't agreed to by the team then the only appropriate response to the bucket will be "fuck off".

Well I work in an professional environment and got the very same book last year 🧑‍🎄. I personally found it funny and gave it my DH.

It was obviously given in the spirit of a bit of fun, no matter how many perl clutchers are here on MN.

As for all the people saying go to HR I'd suggest take that huge stick out of your arse. There is no better way to exclude yourself from your team and gaming a grudge down this path, especially if the OP swears alot anyway. Just recycle and forget if you don't like it.

Gosh, it would make me wonder who I worked with if someone finds colouring in swear words funny. That is low intelligence to find that sort of thing appealing or funny.

@Brieandcamembert

Gosh, it would make me wonder who I worked with if someone finds colouring in swear words funny. That is low intelligence to find that sort of thing appealing or funny.

Actually Albert Einstein attributed his brilliant mind to having a child-like sense of humour. I also wonder about people who I work with who claim to be better and more intelligent than the rest of us because they lack the ability to see humour in other things and look down on others as though they are some thing special 🥱.

It was obviously given in the spirit of a bit of fun

How is this obvious? How do we know it wasn’t given out of malice and in an attempt to humiliate the recipient?

You found it funny. The OP did not and she’s entitled to say something if only so that there is no repeat next year.

@SpaceshiptoMars

No one should be made to feel shame over a harmless joy in their lives.

I'm with you on the flowers and birds etc. I might feel shame colouring in (most of) the phrases in that booklet!

Oh sorry I agreed earlier that the phrases in the book the OP has are really disgusting!

It was more people shitting on the colouring in bit in particular I was meaning ha ha!

@GreenGreenTreesOfHome I have NO idea why people have to be such cunts. Neither me OR my DH have ever mocked or derided or critisized what others do. My DD reckons it's because people mock and berate what they don't understand. But I don't buy that. I think some people are just cunts.

I honestly think it's jealousy. Not in the school bully way of oh they're just so jea-lous! Ner ner!

I mean I think they are jealous of someones unabashed enjoyment of something that traditionally isn't considered 'right' for their age/sex/whatever. I remember a girl at school when we were about 11-12, I asked what kind of cartoons she liked and she gave me face and was like I don't watch cartoons all snooty ha ha! I was back at her and thought she's lying because she thinks she'll look silly for liking cartoons... her loss ha ha!

Some people don't grow past that need to fit in I think and feel that to be a proper adult you must never really enjoy something a they consider childish.

It's their loss! They could be having those joys like the rest of us, it's not childish at all it's cutting their noses off to spite their face and fit in with the cool crowd for fear of Othering themselves. A bit sad really when you think about it. It made me a bit cross there though.

I'm glad there are so many sharing their little joys! I'm happy for you even if the joy suckers aren't

Sorry for hijacking @BewilderedPiskie

@mathanxiety

There has been quite a bit of consideration of the application of 'zero tolerance' policies doing rather more harm than good.

@Wreath21
It has been observed that it is important to crack down hard and consistently on what is called 'quality of life' problems. In the case I mentioned, erasing graffiti means no gang tagging, and sends a message to gangs that gang activity is not tolerated. Give gangs an inch and they will take a mile. Same goes for men inclined to dominate a workplace and create a hostile environment for women, gay people, etc.

The misogynistic 'banter' that so many women (and gay people) have to put up with because it's considered low level - and therefore completely acceptable, something they should be willing to put up with in exchange for the privilege of being let out to work - is a form of turf marking in exactly the way gangs tagging turf is. It's one group of people (men) making it plain that the office is run on their terms in order to make sure another group of people knows its place.

I live in a well run, very racially and economically diverse municipality where property taxes pay for excellent public schools which provide a vast range of support services for struggling students (academic, social-emotional, support for students who are parents/creche in the school, a discipline policy aimed at eliminating detentions and suspensions) along with great public recreational facilities, libraries, and outreach and youth programmes run by police, park district, and the public health department.

An integrated and consensus driven approach to issues is not only possible, it's the only way to ensure results. The result in the case of the place where I live is solid, community-wide support for police and policing, for school administrations, and willingness to shoulder the tax burden that makes it all possible.

There is an 11pm curfew for under 18s. Parks are off limits after 10pm. I can take a walk outdoors any time, day or night, in my neighbourhood. I could leave children's toys out on my front lawn (which had no fence or wall around it as in many American municipalities) all night when my DCs were young. I often leave my back door unlocked at night.

This is a very nice place for children to grow up and form their opinions of the world and their place in it. It's a high trust society with a high degree of trust in the institutions that keep it ticking over, thanks to zero tolerance and the other elements that go hand in hand with it.

You live in a wealthy, middle-class neighbourhood. Probably full of smug gits who think that the problems in poor neighbourhoods are due to poor people making bad choices, being lazy and feral etc. Smug gits are generally able to believe that the police are there to protect, rather than to control them. I don't find your argument convincing at all. Overzealous self-appointed workplace morality guardians tend to create a toxic atmosphere, too.

It was obviously given in the spirit of a bit of fun, no matter how many perl clutchers are here on MN.

Wasn't that the (unsuccessful) defence offered in the Employment Tribunal by the woman who said that she pulled down her colleague's hijab for fun?

A supermarket worker who was sacked for pulling down a colleague's hijab has lost an unfair dismissal case after claiming she was just 'having a laugh'.

Natalie McGonigle who worked for Morrisons pulled down her Muslim colleague's hijab without her consent on 'two separate occasions' in acts which were deemed 'disrespectful' towards the colleague's religion.

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10349741/Supermarket-team-leader-loses-unfair-dismissal-case.html

@UnRavellingFast

If ‘cum dumpster’ was given to a male gay colleague anonymously, how would people view it?

Why is this even relevant?

It was given to an older woman. Women are overwhelmingly the targets if this kind of "fun". Can we not talk about harassment of women ever without thinking about "the menz"?

Overzealous self-appointed workplace morality guardians tend to create a toxic atmosphere, too.

Sure. So it’s the people saying that they don’t like this shit that are the problem. Not the ones bringing it into the office. When are women allowed to complain? What if some one coloured in the ‘cum dumpster’ page and stuck it to her computer? Should she pretend to find that funny too?

@karmakameleon

Overzealous self-appointed workplace morality guardians tend to create a toxic atmosphere, too.

Sure. So it’s the people saying that they don’t like this shit that are the problem. Not the ones bringing it into the office. When are women allowed to complain? What if some one coloured in the ‘cum dumpster’ page and stuck it to her computer? Should she pretend to find that funny too?

If someone did that, it would be an obvious, targeted attack. Unless OP knows different (that there is an existing culture of petty bullying in this workplace) there is still a good chance that this book was bought by someone who wasn't putting much thought or effort into the gift choice and meant no harm. Some of you have clearly never had to work with an absolute Cartman: someone constantly policing the behaviour of others despite being on the same level of them, snitching to HR about what they 'witnessed' even when neither participant in an exchange of banter was at all upset, taking offence on the behalf of hypothetical people, all to draw attention to themselves.

If someone did that, it would be an obvious, targeted attack. Unless OP knows different (that there is an existing culture of petty bullying in this workplace) there is still a good chance that this book was bought by someone who wasn't putting much thought or effort into the gift choice and meant no harm.

If this was an error (unlikely given that approximately half the book’s pages are misogynist or sexual insults and it is clear that is the case from the back cover) the outcome would probably just be a reminder to the team about professional conduct and to think carefully about secret Santa gifts in the future, and maybe a warning about possible repercussions.

Some of you have clearly never had to work with an absolute Cartman: someone constantly policing the behaviour of others despite being on the same level of them, snitching to HR about what they 'witnessed' even when neither participant in an exchange of banter was at all upset, taking offence on the behalf of hypothetical people, all to draw attention to themselves.

This isn’t about a random person drawing attention to themselves by reporting an incident that doesn’t concern them. This is about an individual who is offended (reasonably so) by an inappropriate gift she received.