Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

Disgusting. Recycle it.

I'm surprised at the number of people saying they'd escalate it. And also slightly worried that I didn't read the joke book I gifted cover to cover before our secret Santa.

I think it's a rushed present from someone who was trying to be funny. I'd let it lie. In the spirit of ss awfulness, I got a crocheted doily that looks like a cats arse. What was my colleague thinking? I have largely shrugged it off but some people at my work would be so upset by this.

This is not aimed @BewilderedPiskie you in the slightest but there's been a few comments looking down on adult colourers.

I hate it when people look down on or make out like adult colouring is sad, pathetic or because they don't have talent.

I've recently taken it up for stress relief and find it very relaxing. I also do various traditional art hobbies and am not completely without talent, but doing even if I didn't, doing adult colouring wouldn't make me "less than".

People who do this clearly enjoy shitting on other people's enjoyment. It's really nasty behaviour and you should look at why you are so intently hitting out at something harmless that occupies another human being, possibly helps them and is something they enjoy and are proud of.

Have you ever actually seen some of the finished efforts of adult colouring hobbyists? Some people take it to a proper art form! Those who bash it clearly are taking out of their arses to be honest and it says a lot more about them than the colouring in people.

No one should be made to feel shame over a harmless joy in their lives.

No one should be made to feel shame over a harmless joy in their lives.

I'm with you on the flowers and birds etc. I might feel shame colouring in (most of) the phrases in that booklet!

I'd be willing to bet that whomever bought it just thought it was full of standard swearing, rather than stuff like that. The title doesn't give that impression! I've seen that book before, and without flicking through that's certainly what I thought.

@TheGrinchsDog

This is not aimed *@BewilderedPiskie* you in the slightest but there's been a few comments looking down on adult colourers.

I hate it when people look down on or make out like adult colouring is sad, pathetic or because they don't have talent.

I've recently taken it up for stress relief and find it very relaxing. I also do various traditional art hobbies and am not completely without talent, but doing even if I didn't, doing adult colouring wouldn't make me "less than".

People who do this clearly enjoy shitting on other people's enjoyment. It's really nasty behaviour and you should look at why you are so intently hitting out at something harmless that occupies another human being, possibly helps them and is something they enjoy and are proud of.

Have you ever actually seen some of the finished efforts of adult colouring hobbyists? Some people take it to a proper art form! Those who bash it clearly are taking out of their arses to be honest and it says a lot more about them than the colouring in people.

No one should be made to feel shame over a harmless joy in their lives.

Absolutely! Thank you for saying this! I love colouring. I have some incredibly beautiful colouring books created by very talented artists.

@TheGrinchsDog Not colouring, but I've just ordered a bunch of scratch art from Amazon after discovering the joys this Xmas.

Intend to hole up for the next week or so with the holy tryptic of jigsaws, scratch art and lego.

Haterz can hate.

@TheGrinchsDog

This is not aimed *@BewilderedPiskie* you in the slightest but there's been a few comments looking down on adult colourers.

I hate it when people look down on or make out like adult colouring is sad, pathetic or because they don't have talent.

I've recently taken it up for stress relief and find it very relaxing. I also do various traditional art hobbies and am not completely without talent, but doing even if I didn't, doing adult colouring wouldn't make me "less than".

People who do this clearly enjoy shitting on other people's enjoyment. It's really nasty behaviour and you should look at why you are so intently hitting out at something harmless that occupies another human being, possibly helps them and is something they enjoy and are proud of.

Have you ever actually seen some of the finished efforts of adult colouring hobbyists? Some people take it to a proper art form! Those who bash it clearly are taking out of their arses to be honest and it says a lot more about them than the colouring in people.

No one should be made to feel shame over a harmless joy in their lives.

Agree with this. ^ WELL SAID!

Me and DH have hobbies and interests that many of our peers don't have, and I'm not gonna lie, we have been mocked too. Just coz DH isn't in to football, golf, fishing, cycling, and has more 'unconventional' hobbies,' he has been royally mocked at work on and off over the years (always by men.) AND by his mates. Not all but some.

Same with me, I have a few 'unconventional' hobbies, and like you, I like colouring. This will blow the haterz minds, my latest project in adult colouring is colouring in a FROZEN book. The book is aimed at 5 to 12 y.o girls. IDGAF. I enjoy it.

I also have a little fairy garden with little 'elf' houses (in the shape of toadstools,) and a few 4-5" high dragon ornaments, and a few little old cottages and castles (like 6" high) in the garden... A few people who have seen it (a couple of neighbours, extended family, and work colleagues,) have seen fit to mock and deride and ask me if I was 5. Or just stifle a giggle, and say 'fairy garden? Really?'

I also have a big soft unicorn toy that DH bought me 20 years ago that I keep on the bottom of the bed, and have a calendar on the wall of my favourite actor. DH has one of Star Wars. We have been mocked and derided by quite a few people for this. When DH got me a beanie cat for Valentines a few years ago, a work colleague said to me 'what the fuck? You are woman in your 40s.

I have NO idea why people have to be such cunts. Neither me OR my DH have ever mocked or derided or critisized what others do. My DD reckons it's because people mock and berate what they don't understand. But I don't buy that. I think some people are just cunts.

@BewilderedPiskie

I am with @StarryNightSky26 and a few others though regarding this book, I don't think I would complain as I doubt the buyer meant any harm - they probably just bought it thinking it was cheeky, and didn't realise how awful it was. YANBU to be annoyed though.

@ANameChangeAgain

But then I’m just a humourless feminist who thinks that women should no longer have to put up with nasty “jokes” at work in order to maintain some kind of social politeness, or to coddle the feelings of spiteful or silly people. No thanks. Absolutely ditto. In my twenties and probably very early thirties I would have faked an awkward laugh at something like this, so as not to be thought of as dull, but now, no way.

I agree with this. I'd speak to HR and leave it to them to deal with however they see fit.

Just wondering if those who so proudly announce themselves to be 'humourless feminists' who won't put up with any nonsense are popular in their workplaces - or percieved as bullies/sneaks? The trouble with throwing a big self-righteous tantrum over what is either minor silliness or a thoughtless mistake can be that when you do encounter real nastiness and seek help, people think that it's just you whining and stirring again...

@Wreath21

Just wondering if those who so proudly announce themselves to be 'humourless feminists' who won't put up with any nonsense are popular in their workplaces - or percieved as bullies/sneaks? The trouble with throwing a big self-righteous tantrum over what is either minor silliness or a thoughtless mistake can be that when you do encounter real nastiness and seek help, people think that it's just you whining and stirring again...

I’m sure I’m thought of by my older male colleagues as a sneak or a bully () because I refused to keep making the tea and taking notes at meetings like their secretary (despite many junior men being present); but then on the other hand they treated me a hell of a lot better and more professionally after I did complain/refuse, so that’s a win in my book.

And I’m a professional woman in my forties, so I have no need to be thought of as the cool simpering girl at work, nor do I care a flying fig about being socially policed by other women trying to put me down by calling me a whiner on the internet. Hope that helps!

Just wondering if those who so proudly announce themselves to be 'humourless feminists' who won't put up with any nonsense are popular in their workplaces - or percieved as bullies/sneaks?

You know what? If giving someone a public 'gift' that expects them to colour in 'Cum Dumpster', 'Baggy Vag' etc is not bullying, then what is? Where are your boundaries?

(Oh and @Wreath21 I’ve also made it my business during my career to make sure go speak up every time over the sexist treatment of female colleagues (especially younger female colleagues) in the workplace, including making sure employers adhere to legal standards on equality law and best employment practice. But I should imagine you prefer to call other women whiners instead of sticking up for all our rights at work - so I’m very glad you aren’t at my workplace.)

@Wreath21

Just wondering if those who so proudly announce themselves to be 'humourless feminists' who won't put up with any nonsense are popular in their workplaces - or percieved as bullies/sneaks? The trouble with throwing a big self-righteous tantrum over what is either minor silliness or a thoughtless mistake can be that when you do encounter real nastiness and seek help, people think that it's just you whining and stirring again...

I'm a humourless feminist if being a "good sport" requires nodding, smiling and turning a blind eye to bigoted crap and bullying.

Like fox I never made the tea, took the notes "because it made sense" or tolerated "banter" aka bigoted crap about women and minorities. I also remember who made "jokes" when i was on the way up and who was supportive.

I am the boss now of a large practice. I have a wait list for all my teams, especially from said young women and minorities.

@SpaceshiptoMars

Just wondering if those who so proudly announce themselves to be 'humourless feminists' who won't put up with any nonsense are popular in their workplaces - or percieved as bullies/sneaks?

You know what? If giving someone a public 'gift' that expects them to colour in 'Cum Dumpster', 'Baggy Vag' etc is not bullying, then what is? Where are your boundaries?

X1000

I think whoever gave you that was trying to embarrass you in front of the team and probably had a snigger with their mates beforehand too.
I work in a professional setting and was horrified one year when a lovely dignified older lady on our team was given a copy of the karma sutra and a vibrating cock ring. WTF. Some people are beyond awful. Our team is all female as well.

I:d be tempted to colour them in and then stick them to the offending colleagues monitor!

@CommanderBurnham

Bin it.

Why oh why don't people just buy bland generic gifts at Christmas???

Because hand cream/soap sets are also offensive! Secret Santa is awful.

HR.

Totally offensive and constitutes harassment. If it was intentionally offensive then the person needs to be dealt with, if it was unintentional then the person needs to be made aware of why it was inappropriate.

The trouble with throwing a big self-righteous tantrum over what is either minor silliness or a thoughtless mistake can be that when you do encounter real nastiness and seek help, people think that it's just you whining and stirring again...

@Wreath21
It is all 'real nastiness'.

And finding it offensive and reporting it isn't 'throwing a self righteous tantrum'. It's speaking up for your right to a workplace that is not a hostile environment.

Here's an earth shattering concept - report everything and the big stuff won't happen.

Women don't have to put up with bullshit - any bullshit - in their workplaces.

I live in a nice suburb of an American city where there is zero tolerance for graffiti. Residents can call to report graffiti if they see it and the Streets and San Dept sends a graffiti removal team out. Small potatoes, you may say, but the lack of graffiti sends a message as loud and clear as graffiti does. There is very little crime related to gangs here. So called 'low level' harassment and hostile signalling in a workplace is the same as gangs marking turf. You let them get away with the small encroachments and they are soon well entrenched, with women worried about repercussions for standing up for their rights.

Telling women not to 'overthink' this is a form of gaslighting.

There has been quite a bit of consideration of the application of 'zero tolerance' policies doing rather more harm than good. When it's a matter of policing neighbourhoods, it often leads to discrimination and police officers taking it upon themselves to respond with disproportionate aggression to minor crimes. When it's imposed in schools it leads to children whose 'unacceptable' behaviour is a cry for help being punished instead of supported.
It also leads to a lot of bullying, meddling and snitching, when people who enjoy power over others decide to appoint themselves authorities on what is acceptable behaviour, going far beyond what others, even those on the recieving end of minor rudenesses, consider necessary.

If ‘cum dumpster’ was given to a male gay colleague anonymously, how would people view it?