Actually offensive Secret Santa Gift?

[BewilderedPiskie]

I have always avoided Secret Santa arrangements where possible due in no small part to threads on here. This year we had some new members to the small team I work in, in a professional environment, who suggested we arrange one amongst ourselves and to avoid looking curmudgeonly I agreed.
I have been gifted an adult colouring book and some felt tips. I must admit I found this disappointing in itself as I never got swept up in this craze and am a little disappointed that one of my colleagues has concluded I am an adult colourer but that's by the by.
My real issue is that it's the 'Go F*ck Yourself I'm Coloring' 50 swear words to color your anger away, adult coloring book. Which should be fine, I like a robust swear and I have a job that can very much cause stress but I finally looked at it properly today and a lot of the words to colour are not swear words per se but really, really unpleasant misogynistic, sexual slurs and terms that I associate with pornography not swearing. I have actually found myself quite offended that someone thought this was an appropriate gift for a fifty year old female colleague in a professional environment. My quandary is whether I should say something to the group or just hide it in the recycling and forget about it? I think I have attached an image so you can see the kind of thing I'm referencing.

@CrumpledCrumpet

Hmm having found the specific book in question I’m somewhat revising my opinion as even a cursory glance through it would have shown that a lot of the content is very grim. There’s a few generic swears but most of the content is sexual slurs.

Go F*ck Yourself, I'm Coloring: Adult Coloring Book: 50 Swear Words To Color Your Anger Away ]]

If it’s that one, bought on Amazon where you can see most of the swear words, this is HIGHLY inappropriate. The sender would have known what they were doing!

Utterly inappropriate in mixed company, and probable sexual harassment.

I would talk to HR, and suggest that guidelines need to be given on what is acceptable gifting, with a couple of pages from that booklet shown as examples of what not to give.

@MrsPworkingmummy

Oh dear, you'd hate to work in our business OP. Within our company, we work in professional, busy and highly stressful roles and Secret Santa creates carnage each year - largely because there's a competition to buy the most offensive/funny gift. This includes bottles of good whiskey that have been partly opened leaving the receiver to believe someone had either put something in it, or perhaps took a photo of it up their bum (sadly I'm not joking.), hair dye (for a colleague that has an allergy to it), various calenders/cups/items with inappropriate printed images... You get the idea. Everyone knows Secret Santa is a bit shit, so uses the opportunity to buy funny things. There are 90 of us and because of the nature of the role, we know each other very well and support each other in occasionally dangerous situations. I'd bin it and forget it OP; don't participate next year.

Well you’ve just learnt that your whole organisation is supporting an unhealthy environment where putting people in danger (the hair colouring) or being indecent/inappropriate is seen as good.

I’d have to think twice about working in such environment (I imagine this is NOT confined to secret Santa either….)

Voted YABU to say anything but that's fucking disgusting and I love a good swear.

When did swearing become synonymous with misogyny?

You’re being completely disingenuous. You and I both know that you will hardly find a person in the country who doesn’t think there’s a difference between “fuck” - a standard swear word for centuries and acceptable in polite company for decades now - and the vile porn-addled misogynist slur “cum dumpster”

How many people do you know who find “fuck” genuinely offensive? I can’t think of a single 80 year old or ten year old of my acquaintance who would be shocked

But “cum dumpster” is clearly beyond any acceptable usual bad language

You know it and I know it and we all know it

You are making huge assumptions about what everyone else thinks.

Cunt is, like fuck, a swearword that has been used for centuries, but is by no means generally acceptable. It's misogynistic - the implication being that female genitalia is the worst thing imaginable. Many people consider it the word that is the most beyond the pale and to be more offensive than idiotic neologisms like cum dumpster. I wonder if the OP has ever stopped to wonder if her own 'robust' swearing offends any of her colleagues?

And that's the whole point. Swearing is subjective and what one person thinks is off-the-scale offensive may be only mildly offensive to another. If you swear robustly, do not be surprised if other people assume that you will be OK with all swearwords.

This is vile. And I would say something.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

You’re being completely disingenuous. You and I both know that you will hardly find a person in the country who doesn’t think there’s a difference between “fuck” - a standard swear word for centuries and acceptable in polite company for decades now - and the vile porn-addled misogynist slur “cum dumpster”

How many people do you know who find “fuck” genuinely offensive? I can’t think of a single 80 year old or ten year old of my acquaintance who would be shocked

But “cum dumpster” is clearly beyond any acceptable usual bad language

You know it and I know it and we all know it

You are making huge assumptions about what everyone else thinks.

Cunt is, like fuck, a swearword that has been used for centuries, but is by no means generally acceptable. It's misogynistic - the implication being that female genitalia is the worst thing imaginable. Many people consider it the word that is the most beyond the pale and to be more offensive than idiotic neologisms like cum dumpster. I wonder if the OP has ever stopped to wonder if her own 'robust' swearing offends any of her colleagues?

And that's the whole point. Swearing is subjective and what one person thinks is off-the-scale offensive may be only mildly offensive to another. If you swear robustly, do not be surprised if other people assume that you will be OK with all swearwords.

That’s all pretty rich TBH, given that it’s you who have assumed, from the OP saying she doesn’t mind a robust swear, that she is going about the office saying “cunt” to her colleagues on a regular basis.

But do go off on how other people are “making huge assumptions”

It’s £3.89 on Amazon - they probably saw cheap, adult colouring, on the cheeky side, that’ll do

This. I highly doubt that the giver was trying to send you a secret message or truly abuse you through the medium of colouring in.

I'm a staunch feminist and think the book is distasteful, offensive trash which I'd put straight in the bin. But the thought of complaining to HR and kicking up a fuss makes me cringe.

The way I forsee that playing out would be this...HR would have to take action. The gifter would get a perfunctory slap on the wrist so that HR could tick the relevant box that they'd acted. Then the tale of the crazy spiteful woman who tried to get someone disciplined for a joke secret Santa gift would spread through HR, management and probably other employees from the gifter themselves.
The complainant would become 'that woman' and derided/laughed at for being so petty and awful. The gifter would be sympathised with.

Swearing is subjective and what one person thinks is off-the-scale offensive may be only mildly offensive to another. If you swear robustly, do not be surprised if other people assume that you will be OK with all swearwords.

The issue is not with swearing. The issue is with misogynist language. If the OP had received a book with the words p and n** on the pages no one would claim that the gift giver didn’t realise.

@MissLucyEyelesbarrow

This is Mumsnet, right? A robust swear goes like this:

Demm demm demm demm DEMMMMM!

Completely inappropriate.

I manage teams and if a member of my staff came to me complaining about having received that type of 'gift' I would back them up and I would look into who had done this/

It is a workplace, Secret Santa or not, and anything which contains sexual material, swear words and so on should obviously never be used and there is nothing funny about it.

The person who did this showed really poor judgement. I know it is easier to do when you are a manager but if I had received something like this I would bring it to the next team meeting, wave it around and say 'whoever did this, very poor idea and very poor judgement. I am going to shove it in the bin but let's have no more of this type of silly material in this office'. That would make them think twice about doing it...

Just wanted to say thanks for everyone's input. I feel I need to clarify a couple of points; I don't have an issue with colouring as an adult. My disappoint stems from the fact that I have never shown any interest whatsoever in this kind of artistic endeavour but a colleague has presumed a very specific hobby on my behalf. Secondly I actually don't swear at work very often at all, the point I was trying to make was that I don't have an issue with the stronger, more 'robust' swear words being used and had this book contained those I would have found it a disappointing gift all the same but would not have found it offensive. I'm still not sure what I''ll do (if anything) but I'm glad to find I'm not alone in thinking the sexual and misogynistic nature of this content is extremely unpleasant.

If we’re getting into interrogation of language, I think there’s a difference between swears and slurs.

I occasionally swear at work - “we’ve really been landed in the shit” “that’s fucking ridiculous” etc. It’s not particularly clever it necessary, and I could make my point another way but essentially it’s just a means to add emphasis.

That’s totally different from a term like “whore” or “fucktard” (both terms used in this book) which can only be used as a derogatory slur against other people.

rewrap it and return it to Secret Santa next year.

If you know which rat gave it, I'd write " love from Ratname" inside the cover.

It's rather nasty but some people have odd taste. I'd put it straight in the recycling and give the pens to small relative.

Bin it and move on with your life!

@BewilderedPiskie

YANBU! That is horrible. I would re-gift it back. Then again, if it's a Secret Santa, you don't always know who got it you.

So.... as pps have said, just bin it. I am not a prude, and have a decent sense of humour, but I hate filth like this. As you say, who the F thought it was OK to gift to ANYONE, let alone a woman. It was definitely a man who got this. Definitely. A woman would not send this.

My DH has a male colleague at work (aged 59,) who constantly comes out with horrible, disgusting 'jokes.' Sometimes racist, sometimes sexist, and often filthy and perverted. He's a pig.

He sends DH three or four 'jokes' every evening via text, (he gets them off he internet, they're not his!) and I have had to tell DH to stop reading them out because I find them vile and sickening and just plain offensive. And I am fucked off with hearing these nasty 'jokes.'

I was tempted (the other week) to get DH's phone when he was in the shower, and block this vile male colleague of his! Even DH finds lots of them nasty, but can't seem to tell this man to stop for some reason.

The way I forsee that playing out would be this...HR would have to take action. The gifter would get a perfunctory slap on the wrist so that HR could tick the relevant box that they'd acted. Then the tale of the crazy spiteful woman who tried to get someone disciplined for a joke secret Santa gift would spread through HR, management and probably other employees from the gifter themselves.
The complainant would become 'that woman' and derided/laughed at for being so petty and awful. The gifter would be sympathised with.

If HR merely handed down a slap on the wrist, then it would be HRs's fault, not the fault of the recipient of the sexist and misogynistic article.

HR exists to prevent the development of a hostile atmosphere at work and to foster the development and maintenance of an inclusive culture. Women and men alike are entitled to work in inclusive workplaces. There are characteristics which workplaces are obliged to help protect from discrimination, from harassment, from hostility in the workplace.

If your workplace has a HR department unable or unwilling to follow the law, and men or women who log complaints are identified and made to suffer as a result of a complaint, there are legal avenues open to you under the Equality Act 2010.

Your employer is obliged to do everything they reasonably can to prevent the development of a hostile workplace. A slap on the wrist for this followed by being publicly known as 'that woman' is not 'doing everything they reasonably can'.

I have had to tell DH to stop reading them out because I find them vile and sickening and just plain offensive.

Even DH finds lots of them nasty, but can't seem to tell this man to stop for some reason.

Your DH is part of the problem.

Why does no one seem to think this gift could have come from a woman? Our works secret Santa this year had a few sweary colouring books bought for people and they were bought by women. One was the one that has been shown on here

Even DH finds lots of them nasty, but can't seem to tell this man to stop for some reason.

This is because like most men, he is a wuss.

Bad stuff happens to women because the vast majority of men keep their heads well down and their mouths tightly shut in teh face of sexism and misogyny, allowing pigs like your H's colleague to take control of the working environment.

Sit your H down and tell him you will no longer tolerate him reading out these 'jokes'. Ask him why he thinks you want them read out. Ask him if he finds them funny. Ask him why he puts up with this bullshit.

This world will never be a truly safe one for women until men decide it should be.

Put it in a clear plastic bag with a note saying
' If anyone would like this crap, please feel free to take, warning, includes offensive words and sayings ' taped to it.
And leave it on the staff room table.
That way, the secret Santa gets the message, someone gets a colouring book and you get rid of it
Killing not two, but three birds with one stone.

It is a book of swear words. Lots of swear words are yucky things or sex related. Try and think of 50 swears (proper ones, not hell etc). The author had to think of something to fill those pages.

Having said that, I'd be worried if I was gifted this, I'd think my coworkers hate me. Would see it as a novelty tbh, suppose it depends who it's from

@BooksAndGin

Just bin it. Don't be that person who makes a big deal.

Why not? Who even is “that person”? The one who speaks up for women? Oh, then thanks for telling us we should keep quiet and not speak up, when we are presented with something utterly disgusting, for fear of offending the “other people”, by whom I guess you mean men. So this horrible culture can just pass unchallenged?

This is horrific and I would be sickened to receive such a “gift” at Christmas which is supposed to be a time of fun and celebration, not a chance to try and normalise misogyny and sexual violence. I would definitely raise it as horribly inappropriate but begin by saying I assumed the giver hadn’t looked at all of the images - but make it quite clear it was in breach of all company equality policies, and that anything similar next year would not be tolerated.

It is a book of swear words. Lots of swear words are yucky things or sex related. Try and think of 50 swears (proper ones, not hell etc). The author had to think of something to fill those pages.

If you don’t have enough content, generally you don’t write the book