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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obese partner telling me to quit smoking

104 replies

SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 28/12/2021 19:12

Hello,

I started smoking during the first lockdown, partly due to stress and partly due to having nothing else to do to be honest.

Since then, I have cut down but haven’t been able to stop completely.

My partner and I have just had a huge row about how I’m being selfish for still smoking as we have a 6yr old DS.

(Quick side note, I NEVER smoke in front of him and he has NEVER smelt smoke on me, I am quite discreet about it - none of my family even know)

Anyway, I’m being pressured to go cold turkey on health grounds as if I get cancer and die, I’m leaving behind a young child.

AIBU to bring up the fact he is technically obese? I still love him and always will, but is it too harsh for me to raise this point as part of a discussion around our life decisions relating to health?

Ultimately I will eventually give up smoking, but my partner has piled on a lot of weight since we got married 5 years ago, and I can see it disappearing as quickly.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 28/12/2021 19:15

MN loathe smokers so the best you can hope for is you should both make healthier choices.

Although imo hes more likely to keel over from a heart attack etc from long term obesity, as well as not being able to play/run around with DC than you are from a couple of years of smoking.

WheelOnTheBus · 28/12/2021 19:16

I speak as a person who was technically obese myself when I say that people seem oblivious to the impact of their weight on their health. I was in denial for many years, then lost five stones through diet and exercise. It’s a cliche but until I’d lost it I didn’t realise just how rotten I felt on a daily basis - tired, lethargic, aches and pains.

ANameChangeAgain · 28/12/2021 19:17

Why would you randomly start smoking out of boredom?

Wombat69 · 28/12/2021 19:18

You're kidding yourself if you think you can't smell smoke on someone. A sensitive non-smoker can smell fag smoke a mile off. I used to come home from my in-laws and have to wash all my clothes as they stank and she'd have said the same as you...

Mushrooms0up · 28/12/2021 19:18

Obesity and smoking are as bad as each other.

You should both be being healthy for your son, not pointing the finger at each other about who is ‘worse’

HirplesWithHaggis · 28/12/2021 19:20

I had a friend who chuntered on about how smoking would limit my life, and of course he was absolutely right.

However I'm pushing 60 and his obesity killed him mid forties.

Original poster
SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 28/12/2021 19:21

@ANameChangeAgain

Why would you randomly start smoking out of boredom?
It was mainly as a stress reliever. I am the bread winner in our household and during the pandemic faced a lot of uncertainty around our income. (Yes I am aware of the irony around the cost of cigarettes).
OP posts:
SpeedRunParent · 28/12/2021 19:21

Starting smoking as a grown adult in 2021, knowing what we all know about smoking, is nuts.
There is a report today showing that children of smokers are 4 times more likely to smoke as those of non-smokers. Cigarette smoke stinks, don't fool yourself that people don't smell it on you.

Original poster
SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 28/12/2021 19:22

@Mushrooms0up

Obesity and smoking are as bad as each other.

You should both be being healthy for your son, not pointing the finger at each other about who is ‘worse’

That is a wholly fair point
OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 28/12/2021 19:22

@Wombat69

You're kidding yourself if you think you can't smell smoke on someone. A sensitive non-smoker can smell fag smoke a mile off. I used to come home from my in-laws and have to wash all my clothes as they stank and she'd have said the same as you...
I agree with this, and I say that as a smoker who can't actually smell it.

Unless you're running indoors, throwing your clothes off into the wash and having a shower immediately including your hair, brushing teeth having stayed outside in the cold for a good 10 mins to reduce the breath smell after every single fag, you smell.

Hardly seems worth smoking really does it Grin

Mischance · 28/12/2021 19:22

Maybe work on your health together - and support each other in losing weight and stopping smoking.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2021 19:22

Deflecting onto your partner…..

hellosunshineagainx · 28/12/2021 19:26

People who smoke stink, I can smell smoke in my hair if I've sat next to a smoker after they've had a fag.

Being obese is unhealthy but I think if you had to pit them against each other any health professional would say smoking is worse. Smoking has all the heart/artery issues as well as lung problems and various cancers. Being obese is a risk factor for cancer too of course but it depends how obese and certainly isn't in the same league as smoking.

Passive smoking also has dire effects on your children in a way being obese doesn't.

But maybe you should both be encouraging each other to get healthy for your son instead of arguing who is worse.

Squirrelblanket · 28/12/2021 19:27

I would explain to him, in a non accusatory way, that you are also worried about his health. Suggest that you think you should both work together and support each other to get healthier for your son.

Iamkmackered1979 · 28/12/2021 19:27

Of course you smell of it. People who don’t smoke can smell it, short of washing your hair/clothes/showering/brushing teeth between cigarettes you smell of it, I’ve never met anyone who smokes who doesn’t smell of smoke. It’s putrid.

You know it’s bad, your partner is out of line however you both need to not argue about this and do something about it. Lifestyle change, as a team get out in the fresh air with your child and quit smoking and get healthy together it’ll be really hard but blaming each other is very toxic.

ldontWanna · 28/12/2021 19:29

Getting into tit for that is not productive or healthy. All that's going to happen is that it will escalate in rants over who is the shittier/more irresponsible parent which will just breed anger ,resentment and hurt feelings. More than likely you'll smoke more and he'll eat more.

Tell him you hear him, you took it on board but enough is enough and he needs to stop going on about it. You'll quit when you are good and ready and this is not now. No more comments, no more discussions. Tbh, unless you really want to quit any attempts will be pointless anyways.

SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 19:32

Your DH does sound a bit hypocritical.

Thatsplentyjack · 28/12/2021 19:32

No one starts smoking in adulthood because they are bored. That's a ridiculous thing to say.

Mangofandangoo · 28/12/2021 19:34

You STARTED smoking during lockdown?!

Sorry but with all of the information about how bad it is for you that's completely bonkers. Sounds like you both need a reality check (sorry to be harsh)

belllsbellsandmorebells · 28/12/2021 19:34

@SarahBennettAdvice1978 I get it, I've stopped again, but yes the first lock down as someone who hadn't smoked for 7 years - yes I did. Boredom, frustration, control and also because I have always enjoyed a cigarette, and there was little enjoyment to go round.

I'm not going to give you a hard time as the lockdowns have absolutely sucked. If you want to quit, then quit, but it has to be you that wants to and no one else. Your partner may need some encouragement to lose weight, but at the same time it has to be their decision. There is some real irony in someone with an obvious addiction to food telling someone else to quit an addiction to cigarettes.

Mangofandangoo · 28/12/2021 19:35

Also FYI your family and child can smell the smoke

GemmaRuby · 28/12/2021 19:38

YANBU to bring up his weight - it’s a fair and valid point if the discussion is about healthy lifestyles.

And yes, everyone can smell the smoke, sorry. I’m a non-smoker but I actually really like the smell of smoke on other people - can smell it a mile off.

TequilaBlaze · 28/12/2021 19:43

You can stop smoking. He can't just stop eating. It's not the same.

Also, you're kidding yourself if you think no one can smell smoke on you.

maddiemookins16mum · 28/12/2021 19:46

Everyone can smell the smoke, they really can.

Lou98 · 28/12/2021 19:47

Are you actually concerned about your partner's health as a result of his weight though or are you just bringing it up as a justification for you smoking?

If you're genuinely concerned that he's putting his health at risk then it doesn't mean you smoking is any less harmful, it just means that you both need to prioritise your health for your son. It doesn't mean that the risks of smoking are okay just because he also has possible risks.

If you're not concerned about his health and just using it as a defence then yabu

I also think you're in denial if you think people can't smell smoke on you, as a non-smoker I can always smell the smoke on smokers even when they think you can't (my partner smokes and is completely nose blind to it). Your 6yo May not necessarily know what the smell is yet but he will eventually