Obese partner telling me to quit smoking

[SarahBennettAdvice1978]

Hello,

I started smoking during the first lockdown, partly due to stress and partly due to having nothing else to do to be honest.

Since then, I have cut down but haven’t been able to stop completely.

My partner and I have just had a huge row about how I’m being selfish for still smoking as we have a 6yr old DS.

(Quick side note, I NEVER smoke in front of him and he has NEVER smelt smoke on me, I am quite discreet about it - none of my family even know)

Anyway, I’m being pressured to go cold turkey on health grounds as if I get cancer and die, I’m leaving behind a young child.

AIBU to bring up the fact he is technically obese? I still love him and always will, but is it too harsh for me to raise this point as part of a discussion around our life decisions relating to health?

Ultimately I will eventually give up smoking, but my partner has piled on a lot of weight since we got married 5 years ago, and I can see it disappearing as quickly.

As a smoker myself, you can smell it.
Not on yourself but if someone at work comes back in from a break I can smell it.

I've gave up before and I'm planning on to again come new year.

Best way? Cold turkey tbh. But you have to want to stop for yourself.

Had you smoked before and given it up? I ask as for an adult never or non smoker to start smoking is very odd!

You'd be using deflection tactics to do that.

Point is, smoking is expensive and bad for your health and those around you. Smoke or don't smoke, but his weight is irrelevant in that decision.

Overeating is expensive and bad for your health. Overeat or don't, but your smoking is irrelevant in that decision.

I socially smoke and yes, if I've been smoking on a night out you can smell it.
But, occasionally, I go for a ciggy in the back garden and wash my hands and eat a sweet or something when I come in and my kids never smell it. I ask my DH (lifelong non smoker) and he can't either - my mother is vehemently anti smoking and she has never caught me out either.

You can stop smoking. He can't just stop eating. It's not the same.

Nicotine has been proven to be as addictive, if not more addictive than cocaine and heroin. He doesn't have to overeat everyday, which he clearly does if he's "piling" on weight. No one said he had to stop eating completely!

@TequilaBlaze

You can stop smoking. He can't just stop eating. It's not the same.

Also, you're kidding yourself if you think no one can smell smoke on you.

Madness.. if you could just stop no one would ever be addicted to cigarettes. Not helpful in the least.

Make a deal with him. You'll both get healthy together.

Someone being obese only impacts immediately on that individual. Smokers take a huge financial toll on their family, smell and make stuff around them smell like sofa cushions etc. It’s so gross. Why would you knowingly pay lots of money to increase your risk of cancer out of boredom. If your smoking was as discrete as you say, your partner wouldn’t know surely? You’re kidding yourself.

Don't kid yourself that people can't smell it on you. To non smokers like your child it reeks.

I used to work with my BIL who had supposedly stopped smoking years before. He stank of smoke every time we met in the building. Eventually he did actually stop and I knew from day 1 when it happened.

Everyone can smell you. You smell horrific. I say that as an ex-smoker. The year after I quit smoking, I dug out my winter coat for winter and it reeked. It was truly disgusting and that's how I walked around smelling, all day, every day and it's how you smell now.

Also, him being obese and you starting smoking out of boredom as an adult really aren't comparable. You made a choice to start that, I can assure you he hasn't chosen to be obese. No one chooses that.

OP I have been smoking for 40 years. It's a terrible shame you made the choice to start in adulthood but that's where you're at. I wish I had a pound for every packet of cigarettes I bought in that time and you'll probably know a packet is currently about £15. That's my economical point.
Another regret is that it has as you can imagine affected my health. My DS (26) now smokes too and we cough in unison every morning.
My DD (28) doesn't live at home and couldn't wait to go. Our smoking habit addictions were a great incentive to save for her own place. (Double edged sword).
If you can, please stop for your own benefit. Not you dp's nagging. It'll get him nowhere.
At work management would bang on about smoking cessation assistance. I did enquire whether obese members of staff were offered nutrition education and whether eating unhealthy food would ever be banned from the workplace.
As a smoker it does however hurt me to know that people who care about me get distressed.
Last thing, smoking stinks and there's no way you don't smell. (No offence).
I hope one day after 40 years I'll wake up "cured"
Good luck OP.

You are deluded if you think you don't smell.

Smoking and obesity both carry risks. And yes, you would be spiteful to use his weight as your counter argument for making a decision to start the filthy habit of smoking.

I bet he didn't wake up one morning and make the decision to gain weight, his obesity would have been a gradual thing.

You on the other hand .........................

I'm assuming you're an ex smoker or social smoker? I like smoking but would I start it randomly when I'm this age with a family? No.

Yes, tell him he needs to sort his weight out and you'll sort your health out. Any talk about deflecting from pp's is not helpful (I'd assume its a touchy subject for them)

Take responsibility for your own behaviour and stop deflecting, you're an adult ffs. If you want to smoke then fine but accept the consequences that come with it. Smoke will remain on your clothes and in your hair regardless of you smoking outside.

Your family 100% know. It reeks.

Well maybe you both have new year's resolutions sorted?

@SpeedRunParent

Starting smoking as a grown adult in 2021, knowing what we all know about smoking, is nuts. There is a report today showing that children of smokers are 4 times more likely to smoke as those of non-smokers. Cigarette smoke stinks, don't fool yourself that people don't smell it on you.

And your advice to OP regarding her post is...?

Obesity and smoking are as bad as each other.

They may be as bad as each other in health terms (I don't know - are they? I'm guessing it depends how obese). But they certainly aren't equal in terms of being understandable. Food is impossible to avoid , and overeating is often a lifelong learned habit. Whereas taking up smoking as an adult these days... well, I can't really think of anything much more stupid than that really. Especially since cigarettes are a stimulant aren't they? And therefore not actually a stress-reliever until you are addicted, when relieving the craving is what relaxes you, not anythingthat the cigarettes actually contain.. So taking up smoking to relieve stress is doubly ridiculous.

You sound a perfect match for each tbh

Agreed you 100% can smell smoke on someone it stinks it lingers for ages afterwards you won’t smell but believe me you will .
I do not get why any adult on this day and age would choose to smoke knowing the cost and health . Yes weight is also bad for your health but you need to eat so not exactly the same . Encourage each other to be healthier not say well your overweight so il smoke very childish and not a good role model imo .

Instead of making it tit for tat can you make an agreement that you will both be healthier in 2022 and write down what you will both do to be healthier?

Sorry OP, I’ll say it first (I think…I skimmed most of the comments)

As a smoker you should be publicly stoned in the streets while wearing your horsehair shirt in atonement for all the evils in the world. You should expect no sympathy, understanding, or support in any way shape or form.

You’ve sadly added to your sins by comparing smoking to obesity as self harm and harm to others. So please prepare your children for the curses that shall follow your bloodline until the end of days.

May I be the first to shun you ?

Shun…Shunnn… SHUN …shun

Would you be considering mentioning the obesity if they hadn’t brought up the smoking? If the answer is no, then it’d be coming from a place of spite rather than caring. The tit for tat game is a bit childish.

In regards to the smoking even if not doing it in front of your child it still impacts them, it increases your risk of cancer/shortens life expectancy so can still affect your child.

I agree it doesn't sounds fair.
But don't kid yourself other's around you can't smell smoke on you. Non smokers can get a whiff of smoke even in the smallest amounts.

@Autobahn

I socially smoke and yes, if I've been smoking on a night out you can smell it. But, occasionally, I go for a ciggy in the back garden and wash my hands and eat a sweet or something when I come in and my kids never smell it. I ask my DH (lifelong non smoker) and he can't either - my mother is vehemently anti smoking and she has never caught me out either.

They are choosing not to die on that hill. Your hair and breath will stink. Everyone will be able to smell it.