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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Obese partner telling me to quit smoking

104 replies

SarahBennettAdvice1978 · 28/12/2021 19:12

Hello,

I started smoking during the first lockdown, partly due to stress and partly due to having nothing else to do to be honest.

Since then, I have cut down but haven’t been able to stop completely.

My partner and I have just had a huge row about how I’m being selfish for still smoking as we have a 6yr old DS.

(Quick side note, I NEVER smoke in front of him and he has NEVER smelt smoke on me, I am quite discreet about it - none of my family even know)

Anyway, I’m being pressured to go cold turkey on health grounds as if I get cancer and die, I’m leaving behind a young child.

AIBU to bring up the fact he is technically obese? I still love him and always will, but is it too harsh for me to raise this point as part of a discussion around our life decisions relating to health?

Ultimately I will eventually give up smoking, but my partner has piled on a lot of weight since we got married 5 years ago, and I can see it disappearing as quickly.

OP posts:
TheUndoingProject · 28/12/2021 20:42

Your partner’s not having a go at you. They’re worried and they love you. I held my father’s hand as he died from cancer, it’s an awful way to go. Please try and quit for your own health, and if you can support your partner to make healthier choices too then fantastic.

Drunkpanda · 28/12/2021 20:46

Your dc will learn about smoking at school and will think you are going to die. I've had some very interesting conversations with my dc about how yes, smoking is very bad for you but no dad doesn't really smoke all that much and yes I know he's in the garden all the time but I'm sure he'll be fine... you can't hide it as the children grow.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 28/12/2021 20:49

OP, now for my real answer. Your partner is a hypocrite. Of course obesity is as destructive as smoking is. It does have an impact on other people (no matter how people try to delude themselves) He’s being a self righteous twat.

Feel free to pull out the smoking vs. obesity as a contributing factor in Covid hospitalizations and deaths. Also the diabetes and related complications as a result of obesity. Tell him you’re happy to cut back on smoking, you’ll deduct one for every 5 lbs he loses.

Sedai · 28/12/2021 20:52

I think some people are being unfair to you, BUT there is truth in saying you're both making bad choices.
Obesity absolutely does have an impact on those around you so I'm not sure why people are saying otherwise.
You need to both support each other to make better choices. Its no good you saying 'well, you're obese' when he raises concerns about your smoking.

reallyalurker · 28/12/2021 20:54

Responding to the smell issue. My sister and BIL used to smoke and I was at theirs several days a week (childcare). They were rigid about only smoking outside and fastidious about scrubbing as soon as they came back in after smoking - I never smelt it on them.

When they stopped smoking about seven years ago, though, I stopped getting the terrible coughs and colds I had had throughout every winter, which I'm sure in hindsight had been caused or made worse by their smoking.

On the actual topic, I think you are BU as your smoking could affect your child's respiratory health, and because you appear to want to bring up your partner's obesity only as part of this argument. If you are actually concerned about his health you should raise that as a separate issue. You might also want to consider switching to vaping.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2021 20:54

I’d focus your energy on quitting not insults at each other. Your son will be exposed to second hand smoke - you can always smell smoke on someone.

NoTelly · 28/12/2021 20:57

Open a book on which of you will die first.

1forAll74 · 28/12/2021 21:01

I would be banging on more,about a man who was fat and blobby, than a smoker. I smoke sometimes, but have often been in the company of various obese people, who just wobble along,and get out of breath after a few minutes, they can't bend down properly, and complain about stiff and painful legs,,but always complain about someone smoking.

A580Hojas · 28/12/2021 21:02

@WheelOnTheBus

I speak as a person who was technically obese myself when I say that people seem oblivious to the impact of their weight on their health. I was in denial for many years, then lost five stones through diet and exercise. It’s a cliche but until I’d lost it I didn’t realise just how rotten I felt on a daily basis - tired, lethargic, aches and pains.
You weren't technically obese. You were very obese if you were carrying around 5 extra stone.

I am technically obese at 1.75 stone overweight and wearing dress size 14.

IncompleteSenten · 28/12/2021 21:05

Smokers stink.

I promise you people can smell it.

When I smoked I used to think nobody could tell either.

I was wrong.

Sit down with him and say you're right, we need to get healthy, for ourselves and our child.

I need to stop smoking and you need to lose weight. Let's support each other.

Wherehasthecommonsensegone · 28/12/2021 21:06

A580Hojas

WheelOnTheBus
I speak as a person who was technically obese myself when I say that people seem oblivious to the impact of their weight on their health. I was in denial for many years, then lost five stones through diet and exercise. It’s a cliche but until I’d lost it I didn’t realise just how rotten I felt on a daily basis - tired, lethargic, aches and pains.
You weren't technically obese. You were very obese if you were carrying around 5 extra stone.

I am technically obese at 1.75 stone overweight and wearing dress size 14.

@A580Hojas do you want a prize for that?

Namechange12312 · 28/12/2021 21:08

I can sympathise as I also started smoking in the first lockdown - I was having a bit of a mental breakdown and was on a self destruct mission, I also stopped eating and self harmed occasionally. I am now in a better place but still having half a cigarette in the evening. I literally jump straight in the shower afterwards and wash my clothes so I can categorically say no one else can smell it on me, but if you’re smoking during the day then you won’t be able to get rid of the smell. I have started to keep my old cigarettes in a jar to physically see how much even one cigarette a day looks like over time.

I would have a gentle chat with DH. Tell him you’re worried about his weight and see if you can both get healthier together in the new year.

steff13 · 28/12/2021 21:09

"I'm bored and stressed out about money. What can I do? Oh, I know, I'll randomly take up a stinky, unhealthy, expensive habit."

Is that how it went?

RobinPenguins · 28/12/2021 21:11

Of course you smell of smoke. Don’t kid yourself. I’d say on balance it’s more immediately unpleasant to live with a smoker than an obese person. Both have long term health effects that largely cancel each other out, so I’m focusing on the immediate day-to-day impact on your lives.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2021 21:12

I can’t believe anyone took up smoking randomly as an adult during lockdown. Utterly bizarre thing to do.

Quit as soon as you can. The cost and the health implications are awful, plus your children are more likely to end up smokers if you carry on. Your dh’s obesity is totally unrelated to this.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 21:14

What does 'technically' obese mean?

Is he obese or not?

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2021 21:16

What does 'technically' obese mean?

It means “I am obese but I don’t believe in the bmi system” on almost every thread this is posted on.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/12/2021 21:19

You have terrible judgement and you're absolutely delusional if you think no one smells smoke on you.

Butchyrestingface · 28/12/2021 21:21

He is being a bit hypocritical but I'm prepared to give him a bit of rope on the grounds that his head is probably completely blown at the idea of a grown ass adult taking up smoking out of "having nothing else to do". I must admit mine is. 🤯

FuckeryIsAfoot · 28/12/2021 21:22

@PurpleDaisies

What does 'technically' obese mean?

It means “I am obese but I don’t believe in the bmi system” on almost every thread this is posted on.

To be fair, I knew a guy who was classed as obese according to the BMI system. However, he was about a 28 waist. He did weight lifting and his arms were essentially tree trunks.
CSJobseeker · 28/12/2021 21:26

Everyone can smell the smoke, so you're kidding yourself on that point.

Starting smoking as an adult due to 'boredom' at a time when there was a serious respiratory illness causing a worldwide pandemic was utter lunacy. What possessed you?

Your DH is a hypocrite, but he's no worse than you. You're both setting a bad example to your child.

hivemindneeded · 28/12/2021 21:29

I would use this as a start point to improve your health as a joint project. Say to them that you appreciate their concern and realise it is hard to ask someone to deal with their bad health choices, and that you will give up and go on a health kick that you'd like them to join you on, as you are concerned about their health too.

janbaby22 · 28/12/2021 21:29

Surely it would be better for your child to have at least one healthy parent if he can’t have two? I don’t understand the argument that you can be unhealthy because your partner is. It seems incredibly selfish to me.
Taking up smoking in adulthood is absolutely ridiculous. It’s not like it gives you instant gratification as soon as you start it. I don’t understand this at all.

Looneytune253 · 28/12/2021 21:32

Next time he mentions it just say ' you're completely right but please can we do this together. I know you've been worried about my smoking but I'm also worried about your obesity which is just as dangerous. If we work on it together then we can both be healthy for lo' might sound corny but politely points out that he also has a problem too and he is a bit of a hypocrite

Bagelsandbrie · 28/12/2021 21:32

Another one here saying everyone can smell it. I can smell smoke on someone if they’ve just briefly stood next to someone smoking. It smells absolutely disgusting and I would know immediately if my dh was smoking. (In fact that’s one of the reasons I left my first dh)!