To wonder why this attitude towards marriage for men still exists?! [hmm]

[GreenGreenTreesOfHome]

NC for this as I don't want it linking with my other posts.

There was a man on Family Fortunes yesterday, who said he wants to treat his parents to a holiday for their 50th wedding anniversary if he wins some decent money. He said 'my dad has had 2 life sentences, he deserves the break!' He said NOTHING about his mum.

It really REALLY fucking pissed me off. He thought he was funny, Gino just looked a bit and it was pretty much like tumbleweed in the TV studio (with a couple of quiet nervous giggles,) but it made me so furious.

Why is it a 'life sentence' for a man to be married for a long time, but an achievement, and something to be celebrated for a woman? I thought this horrible, wanky attitude had been consigned to the history books.

But no, for men, it's still a tedious chore to be married apparently, and a 'ball and chain' and a 'life sentence!' Yet it's OK for women to be married, and as I say, it's classed as an achievement, and something to be celebrated for HER.

I have heard many times in the past actually, that men are healthier and happier when they're married, and actually get more out of marriage than women do. So why is this bullshit still a thing?

Can only assume a lot of posters on this thread are new to mumsnet but, considering barely a week goes by without a "I'd bury my husband under the patio if he did/said X" joke being made, you're all in for a shock.

@MushMonster

Whatever is said will be taken in an offensive way by some people. It is actions that matter. Action in the example is that this man wants to celebrate his parents long marriage. If he was saying, I want to buy a new car for my father on his wedding anniversary because poor him, he has served two life sentences already! Then, that is not right really. But quite a few of you have serious issues with facts, and you make a huge mountain out of a grain of sand! Try to chill a bit, and focus on equalling tasks between women and men, instead of a joke. Though, I suppose suppressing others sense of humour is easier than actually doing something about it. All this microanalysing each word only pushes people away from any subject. Just chill a bit!

It’s not funny though, it’s lame. Sorry that you have such low standards

Lol I set my standards on actions and it has given me a good life

[quote GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing]@FutureExH you’re comparing apples with oranges. A SAHP to school age children may well be easier than a full time demanding job. A SAHP to babies/ toddlers / and preschoolers isn’t. Especially as the poster you’re replying to is also retraining in the evenings![/quote]
I'm not making a case against individuals, I'm making a case against sweeping generalisations that cause actual harm to real people.

For example, you make a sweeping generalisation that being a SAHP to babies, toddlers and preschoolers is harder than being a SAHP to school age children. Having spent many a weekend on my own with my children from the day they were born I know that is absolute rubbish and just another generalisation. My children were a lot easier when they were toddlers! Granted it can be boring, monotonous and repetitive with children that age but it's the confinement rather than the work that was hard, at least that was my experience.

My case doesn't fit the myth peddled by people like you though so it's not allowed to exist. Anyone who dares to contradict the generalisation is a "misogynist" (I see you're also ignoring that SAHPs can be men too, even though there are plenty of posts on this site about "lazy" male SAHPs who are criticised for performing exactly the same role).

@BasicDad

I hear you *@FutureExH*

But it's not quite as straight as you say. Yes, with the right job/role being a FT working parent it can be manageable.

However, babies through 3 years old are no walk in the park. Add multiple kids across a few age ranges, and it's very hard. What I'm trying to say, is SAHP ranges from easy mode to nightmare mode. And it can be nightmare mode for many years.

Still, my experience is similar to yours. I've been RP to a singleton of school age for over 4 years. Yes. It's easy-ish to manage the house and mental load, and my work role enables it. I consider myself (and my child) fortunate that is the case though. It might not be unheard of, but it's certainly not the most common scenario.

You're pushing some generalisations again. I'm not here to challenge people's anecdotes, I'm simply saying that generalisations should be avoided.

For example, you say that babies through to 3 years old are no walk in the park. Well, I've got three daughters and honestly they're harder now than they were before they turned 3. I'm not saying this through observation but through experience. I've had my DDs on their own some days and some nights from the day they were born.

Maybe I was lucky but my DDs all slept through 90% of the time from 6 months old and all napped a lot until they were 3. They're no easier to deal with now because nappies, sleepless nights and dressing them have just turned into arguments about washing hands when they go to the loo, very early morning devastation in the kitchen, homework and the sheer frustration of waiting for them to get ready when we're going out! So maybe some parents find it gets easier but in my experience the work just changes so the generalisation doesn't apply to my family.

I'm also not saying my experience is common, only that it exists and when people make sweeping generalisations about SAHPs being saints and breadwinners being lucky they're not just ignoring those of us who make the money but do most of the housework too, they're also jeopardising our futures when we divorce because these horrible generalisations that don't apply to us do permeate the world of mediators, family solicitors and courts. In my case, a myth like that could see my STBXW take 80% of the assets, maintenance for herself and residency only to chuck my DDs on an iPad for 4 hours solid every day whilst they sext on their smartphone.

So I'll say it again. There's a difference between a SAHP and a parent who just doesn't work and we need to recognise that.

@Iputthetrampintrampoline I would be hugely proud of your son, I think my son would say the same. If you don't call out acts of sexism/racism etc then I think you are just as culpable.

@MushMonster

Whatever is said will be taken in an offensive way by some people. It is actions that matter. Action in the example is that this man wants to celebrate his parents long marriage. If he was saying, I want to buy a new car for my father on his wedding anniversary because poor him, he has served two life sentences already! Then, that is not right really. But quite a few of you have serious issues with facts, and you make a huge mountain out of a grain of sand! Try to chill a bit, and focus on equalling tasks between women and men, instead of a joke. Though, I suppose suppressing others sense of humour is easier than actually doing something about it. All this microanalysing each word only pushes people away from any subject. Just chill a bit!

• some jokes are unfunny
• some jokes are offensive
• some jokes are both
• some jokes are neither

It can’t be that hard to get material to fit the latter category. Not every complaint about comedians is about material being offensive.

Besides which, it wasn’t a comedian who made the statement. It was a contestant on the programme.

@Bucanarab

Can only assume a lot of posters on this thread are new to mumsnet but, considering barely a week goes by without a "I'd bury my husband under the patio if he did/said X" joke being made, you're all in for a shock.

You’re clearly new to these parts. Many of us don’t have husbands.