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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 17:36

@crosstalk

You lost me when he implied you were a gold digger just for asking what your prospects are, considering you are apparently paying half the mortgage and bills. He doesn't sound very pleasant. See a solicitor.
But she is. After a few months she is expecting to live in the house forever.
CountryCob · 28/12/2021 17:39

I would buy your own property and rent it out and agree you should get property ownership for yourself sorted out if you can

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:40

Just move out OP and keep this as a casual relationship.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:41

@Feelingoktoday don't misrepresent OP. She is worried that they could live together until he dies in 20 or 30 years time and she could be homeless.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2021 17:41

If I were to move someone into my home I would expect them to pay 1/2 the bills, including the mortgage. If they objected to that then I'd be more than willing to draw up a tenancy contract for them with all the protections thereof and call it 'rent'. A tenancy agreement would also cover 'eviction' in the event of my death. But I'd be damned if someone is going to live in my home and not pay towards the roof over their head. And I'd be double damned if I'd put someone's name on my home and give them rights to the house over my children.

And I'd expect no less from someone if I were to move into their home.

lilly7221w · 28/12/2021 17:44

my friends mum, lived with partner for years, she funded all fun activities, they were due to get married but he died suddenly. He wrote all his wishes (not a will sadly) he wanted her to live in the house until she died.

His children sold the house within two months.

Sort your own housing, never rely on a man.

UniversalAunt · 28/12/2021 17:48

‘ the fact that I feel hurt that this is the only way I can ensure I have a roof over my head rather than it being that we’ve moved in together and making a life.’.

I suggest that you turn your statement round: it is entirely to you to work towards your financial independence. That may & often does mean going into a legal or financial partnership with another person.
The factual matter here is that you have not made a legally binding agreement with this person to provide you with some form of consideration if he dies whilst you are still partners. Leaving it all to turn out OK on a whim is wishful thinking.
Being hurt is the disappointment that your wish cannot be fulfilled & the fact is that you have to do something about this for yourself.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:50

@AcrossthePond55 yeah if I was your partner I would just leave you.

Snog · 28/12/2021 17:51

I think that if your dp doesn't care that you will have nowhere to live after he dies then it's pretty clear that he doesn't love you.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2021 17:53

@RoyalFamilyFan

And I'd be happy to see you go, I'm sure.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 17:54

@UniversalAunt I would be hurt too in OPs situation. I think if you really love someone, you want the best for them.

emptyempire · 28/12/2021 17:57

I agree, it sounds like you're a convenient companion, rather than a true love. Why else wouldn't a lifelong partner want you provided for upon their death?! A fairer way would be that his children could still have an inheritance (ie: everything but the house) and you get the house (or at least able to live it until your death and then it would pass to the children). If he's not prepared to put this or something similar in place, then you should reconsider the whole relationship.

Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 18:04

So some posters are just expecting the man to provide a house for the OP who for unknown reasons doesn’t own a house and had debts. He could set it up legally so that she can stay in the house until her death. Say hypothetically he dies the next day. She might outlive him by 30-40 years. It’s just not reasonable. A man who moved in with a woman would be called a cocklodger but we are ok if a woman does it?

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 18:05

@AcrossthePond55

If I were to move someone into my home I would expect them to pay 1/2 the bills, including the mortgage. If they objected to that then I'd be more than willing to draw up a tenancy contract for them with all the protections thereof and call it 'rent'. A tenancy agreement would also cover 'eviction' in the event of my death. But I'd be damned if someone is going to live in my home and not pay towards the roof over their head. And I'd be double damned if I'd put someone's name on my home and give them rights to the house over my children.

And I'd expect no less from someone if I were to move into their home.

Are you aware that demanding money towards the mortgage allows the cohabitee to establish a beneficial interest in the property? Is that your intention?
Feelingoktoday · 28/12/2021 18:05

How do we know that the op hasn’t already transferred her assets to her kids?

astoundedgoat · 28/12/2021 18:09

You're moving too fast, and forgetting your own obligations to your future security and your children in the romance of a very new relationship.

Stop being emotional about your inheritance 40 years down the line and be practical.

STOP paying his mortgage. Your money should be put into assets for YOUR children, not his.

Start saving for a deposit of your own and either move out, or get a BTL and pay off the capital, not just the interest, so that you have a fully paid off 2 bedroom home in 25 years. You don't need any income from it - put the whole rent less tax/running costs into the repayments.

TooOldToBeAGoth · 28/12/2021 18:09

If you don’t own it you don’t own it and it’s good that you acknowledged that to him. At least that is a decent thing.

lilly7221w · 28/12/2021 18:10

@emptyempire
it wouldn't be fair to leave her the house.
I own my house, if I moved a lover in, no way would I leave him my house! its crazy to disinherit your children. Unfortunately things are more complicated when you have assets and children.
OP needs to build her own nest.

earsup · 28/12/2021 18:10

As long as he dont leave it to the rspca , he can put clause you remain in house and then passes to dc etc....simple...relative who left house and contents to rspca did a similar clause but they photographed all contents and were vultures...just waiting for relative to die to grab it all...

CrimbleCrumble1 · 28/12/2021 18:13

AcrossthePond55 why on earth would someone pay half the mortgage for a house that is yours?

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 18:14

@Feelingoktoday

So some posters are just expecting the man to provide a house for the OP who for unknown reasons doesn’t own a house and had debts. He could set it up legally so that she can stay in the house until her death. Say hypothetically he dies the next day. She might outlive him by 30-40 years. It’s just not reasonable. A man who moved in with a woman would be called a cocklodger but we are ok if a woman does it?
I would do a proportion of the house directly linked to how much she pays.
AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2021 18:16

@TatianaBis

Not in the US State I live in, it doesn't. Property remains separate for an unmarried couple unless a co-habitation agreement is legally drawn up. In fact even if you marry a home owned before the marriage is NOT considered community property.

And I would assume that in the UK a validly written rental contract would negate the ability to claim an 'interest'. Otherwise what would stop a tenant renting a room from claiming an interest?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/12/2021 18:18

OP has only been there a couple of months and already wants a lifelong right to live there

Yes, I picked up on this too. Fair enough to think of the future, but for me that's the sort of thing to discuss before moving in, especially with two DCs to consider

I wouldn't be paying towards the mortgage though - bills, yes, but not the actual house. Instead I'd put the "mortgage money" into a separate account, to use jointly if this all works out or for my own place if it doesn't

AcrossthePond55 · 28/12/2021 18:18

@CrimbleCrumble1

AcrossthePond55 why on earth would someone pay half the mortgage for a house that is yours?
Why should I provide a roof over their head for free?
LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 18:19

A fairer way would be that his children could still have an inheritance (ie: everything but the house) and you get the house (or at least able to live it until your death and then it would pass to the children). If he's not prepared to put this or something similar in place, then you should reconsider the whole relationship.
Reconsidering a relationship because the person with assets won't hand them over on a plate to someone who has debts is crazy.

I'd be running away from anyone who felt that I should be their meal ticket and prioritise them over my own children because we'd lived together a couple of months.
It's a big red flag for cocklodger or vaglodger.