To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

[Dogmummy1980]

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

As for saying you could trust his kids, I have never heard anything so ridiculous.

He really can't care deeply about you to say something so utterly unbelievable.

His children will want, and be fully entitled to their inheritance.

What is wrong

1. You are paying half the mortgage. For his half, he gets somewhere to live now, and also an investment. For your half, you just get somewhere to live. That isn't fair.

He was presumably paying the whole mortgage before you moved in. I would want to pay less than half of the mortgage, and save or invest the difference. It's hard to be completely "fair" when you get together in later life and are financially unbalanced. Currently his mortgage bill is halved, he is really benefiting financially from cohabiting as you are paying off half his mortgage. It would be fairer if you were both financially advantaged by cohabiting.

1. You are paying for improvements to his house - definitely not on. Unless it was something solely for your benefit e.g. if you wanted to create a space for your hobby (although being aware you could break up and need to move out suddenly, don't spend more than you are willing to lose).

1. You are paying over half the energy bill, in anticipation of the energy bill possibly increasing in future, although it hasn't yet. Wtf?! So what does he do with your extra contribution, save it for himself? Get a smart meter so the bills are correct, and pay half. If the bill goes up in future you can both pay more. Put extra money aside in your OWN savings account for any future increases.

I would renegotiate on these points, so you get a fairer split of the bills. Then plan to create your own financially security.

He's been clear that he wants to leave his house solely to his kids, please believe this and act accordingly rather than hope he changes his mind.

Also I wouldn't be keen on the lifetime interest idea. Not ideal for his kids who may want to access the inheritance to improve their lives and their own children's lives rather than have to wait for you to die, and not nice for you to know they are waiting for you to die! With no option to downsize or relocate without losing your lifetime interest. I would only think this a good idea if there was somebody incapable of earning their own money who needed secure housing, e.g. I know somebody who is doing this for their adult child with a learning disability who will never be able to work.

You are unreasonable. It has been only 2 years and you are not married. Also you shouldn't be paying 50%of mortgage. Manage all the finances separately and work on your own provisions for old age

Never spend more than you’re willing to lose! Stops contributing towards the mortgage and any improvements. Get yourself a financial advisor and book in for a financial review. Pay off debts and, if possible, buy a property but don’t act on impulse, think strategically!! Make sure your financial ties are limited, protect yourself! It has to work both ways, within reason, and there needs to be financial equality

OP,
Please consult a solicitor and obtain information about a 'Cohabitation Agreement'.
This is for couples who are living together but not married.

I pay half of the bills/mortgage - full amount worked out and literally halved

Do you earn about the same? ie do you both put the same percentage of your own income into household bills?

Either way, why are you paying toward his investment via mortgage and home improvements when he won't even assure you 12 months security in the property in the event of his death? You are augmenting his DCs' estate and incentivising them to cash in on it if they are that way inclined.

I've seen too many women left homeless due to not being married and having no registered interest in the property they helped to fund. Either your house contribution needs to be reflected as an interest in the property or you use that to buy your own place or save to rent in the future.

My siblings always expected to inherit from their mum
She’s now in a nursing home at £1400 a week.
So the money is going very fast .
Luckily I never expected to get a penny ,
So not a problem.
Don’t assume your mums money will pass on to you

I was in a situation where my partner moved in with me quite early on. I owned the house. I paid the mortgage, we split the bills fifty-fifty. He saved the money he wasn’t spending on rent. If we’d split then he’d have used those savings for a deposit on a new place, white goods etc. As things worked out, he’s putting those savings into the deposit of the house we’re now buying together.

OP, I don’t think you should be paying half the mortgage if you’re not likely to have any interest in the house. I assume marriage is off the table if he wants to protect his kids financially so you need to start making plans for yourself just in case. Would a buy-to-let property be a possible solution?

How much of a mortgage does he still have on the property?

I would want legal advice. Surely a contract could be drawn up where he owns whatever percentage of the house is currently his and you pay together towards the rest of the mortgage. It would give you some kind of stake in the place you live and a little bit of security.

If he wants you to have no share in his home whatsoever that is a big fat no for me. I would rather move out and rent, or pay only what you need - nothing towards maintenance or home improvements and build yourself a nest egg.

Of course you can’t rely on his kids to see you right should he die before you. Just like they couldn’t rely on you leaving the property in full to them and not your own children were you to be married and he die first.

You must make your financial security a priority. I would not be contributing to someone's mortgage while you have no assets of your own.

Research an area with low property prices but high demand for rentals and just buy SOMETHING as soon as you can save a deposit.

I'm a single parent with a mortgage. I would not allow a partner to contribute to my mortgage and if I do meet a potential serious partner I will be very very careful to make sure he has no claim on my house.

I’m just a bit bereft that I’m having to do this just to safeguard myself when I’m elderly

I don't understand this - if your dp hadn't come along then what was your plan? You have only been loving together a few months. It might not work out.

At some stage he may give you a life time interest BUT it's way too early to expect that. Get your own plan together and be independent...get savings, pension, property. As you've both been divorced you know relationships don't always last so rather than feel bereft be practical and look after yourself and children.

You should not pay towards his mortgage. Also as often stated on here , inheritance is not guaranteed, if you stay together the house may have to be sold for care.

Sit down calmly and discuss what you think is fair with your DH. For me, this would be you share a portion of the house with his DC in relation to what you have put in. So if you have paid 1/2 the mortgage, you get half the house. Then seek really clear legal advice to document this. From experience, it is quite possible to draft a will that will allow you stay in the property, but this has some drawbacks. For example, if you move in with your DC or a new partner after your first husband dies, you get nothing from the cash you have paid in.

If you’re paying towards his house then he should allow you to build security through that by being a joint owner. If he wants to safeguard his existing equity to pass to his children, you could still own a stake by owning as ‘tenants in common’ rather than (the more usual) ‘joint tenants’. Work out what a reasonable percentage of the full value you’re contributing to and go from there.

www.geoffreyleaver.com/2018/06/11/what-does-joint-tenants-or-tenants-in-common-mean-on-death/

If he doesn’t like that idea then stop paying his bills and buy yourself a property. You’re quite right to want your security mapped out rather than hoping others will be kind to you when the time comes.

@Brainwave89

Sit down calmly and discuss what you think is fair with your DH. For me, this would be you share a portion of the house with his DC in relation to what you have put in. So if you have paid 1/2 the mortgage, you get half the house. Then seek really clear legal advice to document this. From experience, it is quite possible to draft a will that will allow you stay in the property, but this has some drawbacks. For example, if you move in with your DC or a new partner after your first husband dies, you get nothing from the cash you have paid in.

The op's partner presumably has a bit of equity in the house already so she'd get a share commensurate with the value of the mortgage payments she makes - e.g if he has paid of 50% of the mortgage already and he and the op pay the next 50% between them, she has a 25% share of the overall value. This can be reflected by them becoming tenants in common of the house with unequal shares but would give her potentially a healthy lump sum of equity to take out of the house if he dies first.

Too late for OP perhaps, but I really hope other people will learn from her predicament

All of this should have been discussed before OP moved in

She'd be best to (1) pay her DP a contribution towards bills, loosely based on the cost of renting a shared house, (2) save up £ or buy a house to rent out, (3) acknowledge that if he died first, she'd be expected to move on PDQ, unless she could afford to buy the house from his children

OP, please don't kid yourself that his children would allow you to stay on rent free for as long as you like. At best, you might be able to stay on as a tenant. Far more likely, you'd be asked to move out asap

Can you suggest buying a new property together or getting married?

OP, either you legally get a share of the house in proportion to what you put in, or you pay bills plus a nominal rent so that you can save up for your own house.
Don't go for the "being left a life interest in the house in his will" because wills can be changed with no notice.

@LethargicActress

Wanting to 'build a life' with someone is for you heaters who are just starting out, not for Middle aged adults who already have two children.

If you are only paying for a share of household bills, then you should be in a position to save. You came from a rented property, there's no reason why you shouldn't go back into a rented property if your DP dies or you split up. It is right that your dps children inherit when he dies, and he is right to protect that for them.

This.

When my father died my mother joined a bereavement group run by the hospice. There were 3 women in the group who had never married their partners but had lived with them for years and nursed them through terminal illness. All 3 had been assured by their partners that the partners children would do right by them and not expect them to move out after their fathers death. All 3 sets of women had been booted out with varying degrees of speed by those children.Op if you aren't married and aren't specifically mentioned in the will and aren't on the deeds and the mortgage you will be out with your bag of belongings......shortly after you have covered the cost of the funeral I imagine.

“OP, please don't kid yourself that his children would allow you to stay on rent free for as long as you like. At best, you might be able to stay on as a tenant. Far more likely, you'd be asked to move out asap”

This. The house may be needed to pay for his care or his kids may need the money. When he dies his kids will want the house sold - if you accept this then you can start planning what you want to do. You cannot expect the house.

RED FLAG!!!
For the Dp!

Op has only been there a couple of months and already wants a lifelong right to live there! Wow.

No way would I change my will for someone who i haven't even lived with for a year. What if you're not compatible?

When we bought our last house, we were told it was being sold because the man had died and children were selling it. However, when we moved in our neighbours told us the whole story. Man had lived in it since 1950ish with his wife, had two children. Wife died when they were both at university. He met someone else, they never married. She lived with him for 35 ish years. He died. His will left the house to his children- he had always said they would look after her. They didn't. They sold the house and she had nothing.
When we paid the mortgage off we received a pack of deeds and documents from the bank- one was a copy of his will, everything left to his two children who the neighbours said lived in other parts of the country and he never saw them anyway. The woman was left any household items she wanted. Only other bequest was to a cancer for kidney disease.
It was so sad.I often wondered what happened to her.

It's fairly early days atm , but you need a seperate fund for a deposit on a rental just in case ,as soon as your debts are cleared and a proper long term plans if you are together for several years.

You lost me when he implied you were a gold digger just for asking what your prospects are, considering you are apparently paying half the mortgage and bills. He doesn't sound very pleasant. See a solicitor.