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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
EinsteinaGogo · 28/12/2021 22:31

OP - have you considered taking out a life insurance policy on your partner / on each other?

If you go through a broker you don't have to be married and you can get a policy that covers both of you, with each other's permission.

That way, you have the piece of mind of knowing if your partner died unexpectedly, you would have a lump sum payout that would help with housing costs etc.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 22:40

@LolaSmiles Enough

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 22:43

@gofg

Why will you be homeless? I don't own a house, I rent and will have to do the same when I am old. Surely you will just find somewhere to rent?
Depends on your income. If you are relying on benefits and state pension, you will need to be renting a 1 bedroom flat or a bedsit. I wouldn't want to live in any of the very rough areas in my city that have flats cheap enough to be covered by benefits.
mayblossominapril · 28/12/2021 22:44

I know of this happening to few people and also where a married man has left his half to the kids and they’ve thrown the step mum out with barely enough to buy something else.
I’m really not a fan of holiday lets but in your situation it may be a good option. You won’t be stuck with tenants in for ages and the risk of the damage. The flip side is the hassle of the lettings and cleaning. It’s bestvto live not too far away from a holiday cottage so you can check up on the cleaner etc every so often. You are after capital growth so it’s ideal.
If I were you I’d pay exactly half of all the bills and no more and certainly not get involved in any decorating etc.

whittingtonmum · 28/12/2021 22:48

As others have said: don't pay anything towards the mortgage and home improvements. I also would not invest in a luxury car for both of you to use or fancy holidays. Keep the finances seperate until he's ready to make more of a committment to you. Buy your own property and make it a priority to pay the mortgage off.

MamaFirst · 28/12/2021 22:57

I don't really understand the concept of the house being his children's inheritance. If it was paid off before you came along, fine, but clearly that's not the case and you are paying half the mortgage. He is treating you like a tenant however, in which case you pay a reasonable rent and nothing else for upkeep, maintenance, redecorating etc. It seems a strange way to live in a long term relationship with such split finances... Not sure I could do that, it wouldn't feel like much of a relationship counting every £ in and out and never feeling at home.

Knackeredmommy · 28/12/2021 23:06

If you're only paying 1/2 the bills, surely that is a lot cheaper than rent? If you hadn't moved in with him what was your plan after retiring? Save so you have a back up in any eventuality.

emptyempire · 28/12/2021 23:10

OP, apologies if you've already answered this, but how much equity does your DP have in the house?

me4real · 28/12/2021 23:24

Why will you be homeless? I don't own a house, I rent and will have to do the same when I am old. Surely you will just find somewhere to rent?

@gofg I rent with the council but can see that someone might want to avoid having to move when they're old (or a lot of people don't like moving at any age.) Also, some people have described cases where women genuinely had there stuff put out on the street (though that must be the extreme I hope.) Renting is a bit shit and to be avoided if possible- if someone can avoid it, that's great.

I think also it's the principle for OP, that her partner didn't seem that bothered about protecting her at a time when she would be vulnerable, and that has made her feel that she doesn't have much security/consideration.

HTH1 · 28/12/2021 23:34

Personally, I wouldn’t stay with someone so selfish and would either marry him or leave.

Gloriagayn · 28/12/2021 23:38

You mention that you had debt when you moved in but this is almost clear? That suggests that you are getting a better deal now financially than when you renter d yourself. I don’t really see a problem with this situation currently be after a short period you can’t expect him to add you to his will. That may come if the relationship progresses and certainly if you marry.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/12/2021 00:08

Whilst I agree with him keeping his property for his children and I think there's nothing wrong with OP paying half the mortgage (considering it to be RENT), I absolutely wouldn't put any money towards major improvements into HIS house. Nope, no way. Maybe a lick of paint or some furniture, but paint is cheap and I can take the furniture with me, if need be.

This situation is one of the reasons why IF I should ever become single again I would NEVER cohabit nor ever marry again. Separate houses, separate finances don't mean that you can't have a wonderful life together.

gofg · 29/12/2021 06:47

Depends on your income. If you are relying on benefits and state pension, you will need to be renting a 1 bedroom flat or a bedsit. I wouldn't want to live in any of the very rough areas in my city that have flats cheap enough to be covered by benefits.

Surely you realise that many people rent, not everyone is fortunate enough to own their own home. Also, what type of property someone is able to rent depends on where they live. Someone in London is going to have a very different outlook to someone in another part of the country.

gofg · 29/12/2021 06:50

Surely, you understand that the OP is unlikely to be able to pay rent upon retirement?

Are you trying to tell me that every retired person in the UK owns their own home? I don't believe that for a moment. I am not in the UK, but I will have to pay rent when I retire - as I currently do on a jobseeker allowance.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/12/2021 07:27

@Knackeredmommy

If you're only paying 1/2 the bills, surely that is a lot cheaper than rent? If you hadn't moved in with him what was your plan after retiring? Save so you have a back up in any eventuality.
Op has said she is paying half the mortgage costs, over half the bills and he expects her to pay half towards home improvements
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/12/2021 07:31

@Gloriagayn

You mention that you had debt when you moved in but this is almost clear? That suggests that you are getting a better deal now financially than when you renter d yourself. I don’t really see a problem with this situation currently be after a short period you can’t expect him to add you to his will. That may come if the relationship progresses and certainly if you marry.
She has said she can save because she has a much higher paying job.

She has also said she doesn't expect to have any shared assets now, but she wants to have a plan for what happens tO her if they are still together living in his house when they are older and he dies. He has been clear the house will go to his children when he dies. He is not wanting her to have any equity in it at any point. She would be wise to make her own plan now, rather than hope that will come in the future.

AlbertBridge · 29/12/2021 07:40

If the OP is paying half the mortgage then she would have rights to a financial share of the house in the event that they split.

The only way that unmarried people stop partners having a claim on their house is to very strictly NOT let the partner pay towards the mortgage.

In this case, the OP could take proof of her payments to a solicitor and be entitled to either that money back, or a proportion of the value of the house.

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 29/12/2021 07:45

Is it possible to be a cocklodger in his own home because he sounds like one? You pay half + a bit of everything, sort out car, expects you to buy a depreciating "lodge" as a holiday home. You get nothing. Hmmm, I think I'd be looking for somewhere I want to live a bit sooner than when I'm old.

londonrach · 29/12/2021 07:52

Trouble is not being married you wouldn't have a claim anyway. Can you put money aside a month or rethink this relationship. He doesn't sound like he cares about you. Don't pay towards the mortgage..take it you not on the paperwork

VikingOnTheFridge · 29/12/2021 08:00

@lilly7221w

why are women so bloody stupid?

It's a good question, too many romantic novels/ movies?

it's amusing that everyone piles in that he should give her lifetime rights., or just only pay bills.

Had the post been "my BF wants half my house, the right to live here for life, or he only wants to pay half the bills," the responses would have been very different.

Mind boggling that people can't see the reality of life decisions.

If the post had been from a woman who was getting her BF to pay towards home improvements and 50% of the mortgage but didn't want him to have a share in the property, she'd have been very quickly told her actions might lead to an equitable share regardless of her wishes. If the BF here was a friend or loved one of mine I'd be pointing out to him that he isn't actually protecting his property for his kids here.
ElleEmDee · 29/12/2021 08:05

Dogsmummy I can see you’re hurt by his refusal to put a clause in his will to allow you to stay in the house for a period of time (like a year?) should he pre-decease you. But try not to let your hurt affect what otherwise seems like a good relationship. Either forgive and move on or don’t forgive and move out. Don’t let it fester. Maybe also look at your potential little rental as an inheritance for your children as well as back up for you if you need it.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 29/12/2021 08:08

@Dogmummy1980

See this is the thing - I’ve said I’m not interested in inheriting any of what he has, quite happy for all to go to his kids, but just wanted reassurance that in the instance he died and we were both not at working age (where I would potentially find it difficult to rent) that I wouldn’t be left without a roof over my head. But to leave it to just trust that I wouldn’t be turfed out ‘immediately’ is just a bit wow….

Currently I have a few debts I’m paying off which will be done quite soon and paying towards his house/bills so will be saving up for a property. I’m just a bit bereft that I’m having to do this just to safeguard myself when I’m elderly.

But you would have to do that anyway and you’ve only been together for 2.5 yrs - I can’t fathom that you wouldn’t be making provision for old age regardless.
CliffsofMohair · 29/12/2021 08:11

@billy1966

So after paying 50% of his morgage and higher bills.

He wants 50% of improvements.

Buying a lodge.

You buying a luxury car for him to use more tjan you?

Unbelievable.

He definitely saw you coming OP.🙄

He must be banking a nice bit of money since you moved in.🙄

He wants a weekend lodge and a luxury 7 seater 4x4 and a full refit of his house, that you have no financial interest, claim, or entitlement to???! Ah here. Get a decent financial advisor and park this building a life stuff. Start treating your assets as your own. You don’t own this man a lifestyle for the honour and glory of being on a relationship with him.
Dindundundundeeer · 29/12/2021 08:22

Oh he’s building your life alright OP, but not coming to the party with his share. Fuck that. His house his problem. You’re being treated like a fancy lodger. Weird.

Dindundundundeeer · 29/12/2021 08:23

@AlbertBridge

If the OP is paying half the mortgage then she would have rights to a financial share of the house in the event that they split.

The only way that unmarried people stop partners having a claim on their house is to very strictly NOT let the partner pay towards the mortgage.

In this case, the OP could take proof of her payments to a solicitor and be entitled to either that money back, or a proportion of the value of the house.

Yes the law is one thing, fighting it out in court is another. You might spend £30k getting to court.
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