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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

431 replies

Dogmummy1980 · 28/12/2021 12:46

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

OP posts:
pinkpapaya · 28/12/2021 21:02

@LaBellina

He said you’re after money when you’re just being concerned about if you’ll have a roof over your head when you’re elderly and he dies before you? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
^ This!
Jimjamjong · 28/12/2021 21:04

I've said YABU but then saw that your are paying bills plus mortgage. Why would you do that? I think you need to stop paying any contribution to the mortgage and put that money aside for yourself. You don't have to buy a property but you do need to have a good amount of savings. Not sure how old your children are but if/when they are older you can always buy a flat that they can live in to save renting it out.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 21:10

@LolaSmiles

TatianaBis A romantic relationship is not the same as a tenant/landlord relationship.

Each adult has a responsibility towards their own financial independence. The OP didn't have to opt to move into a man's house. She has enough resources of her own if she wanted to.

Anyone could keel over at any time in life. He could keel over tomorrow, are you suggesting that his children should not gain their inheritance for however long because Dad's partner has lived with him in his house for a couple of months and paid half the mortgage for however many weeks?

Why are women so bloody stupid.

Marriage is a legal and financial relationship as well as a romantic one.

If OP had married this man her rights would be legally set out. If she were his tenant, her rights would equally be set out. At the moment she's in a legal nomansland without even the protection of a tenancy contract.

It's precisely because OP is responsible for her financial independence that she should be more astute about her living arrangements.

A friend of mine's DH has recently literally keeled over from a heart attack. That is why OP needs to establish her tenancy rights. If she were on a rental contract, they would be laid out in the ts & cs.

I've explained to you before that you're confusing tenancy rights and long term assets.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 21:13

@Dogmummy1980

I pay the slightly higher figure because I earn quite a decent wage and wanted to assure him that financially we were good - silly me

There are other things he has wanted me to change - for example right now I have a decent car I use for work - very long motorway miles and with 4 kids he wanted a 7 seater. As I get car allowance he wanted me to sort one - think luxury 4x4 7 seater that he was thinking - oh and with me doing the longer miles he wanted to use it predominantly with me using it at weekends and I use my existing car during the week. This also will not be happening…… I might go and buy a really nice 4 seater sports car - for myself with my really long miles.

OP - the more you write about this man the louder alarm bells are ringing. He is taking advantage of you at every turn. Trying to fleece you financially while accusing you of being the gold-digger. He is the gold-digger in this scenario.

Do his 4 kids live with him/part time?

Nowayoutonlydown · 28/12/2021 21:14

Similar to what you've said in your opening post happened between my grandmother and her partner.
Gran could have brought a property for herself, but he said "no I like my house! We can live here comfortably!"

So she moved in, paid 50% of all utilities, paid rent at £200 a month to start with.
His mortgage ended, she was still paying £200 a month rent, 50% of utilities plus most of the food shopping for both of them. If he bought shopping, he wanted her to pay most of it.

He always said that his will would reflect that she could stay put if he died first. His children would never see her out on the street.

They'd been together over 30 years when he told her he was dying of cancer. He had known for some time but refused treatment and didn't think it was her business.
Still he was adamant that she could stay in the house after he passed.

She came back from his funeral to find the locks had been changed and what his children considered her belongings on the street.

Do not leave yourself open to this happening to you.

KirkstallAbbess · 28/12/2021 21:15

[quote RoyalFamilyFan]@GatoradeMeBitch they won't let the house fall down. But people can still end up living in a house that they cant afford to heat and without the adaptations needed as someone gets older, and looking very shabby. I doubt the adult kids will want to pay for decoration, new carpets, heating bills, or stairlifts and wet rooms.
I say this not to be negative, but because I have seen this happen.[/quote]

I agree with this.

Also, my mum had a lifetime interest in her husband's house but it was worthless in reality, his children bullied and emotionally abused her until she moved out. It was a small community and she stood no chance.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 21:18

@LolaSmiles we have a very different idea of a romantic relationship.
I think if you love someone you care about their future. Not just have the attitude of, that is for you to sort out.

lilly7221w · 28/12/2021 21:20

why are women so bloody stupid?

It's a good question, too many romantic novels/ movies?

it's amusing that everyone piles in that he should give her lifetime rights., or just only pay bills.

Had the post been "my BF wants half my house, the right to live here for life, or he only wants to pay half the bills," the responses would have been very different.

Mind boggling that people can't see the reality of life decisions.

RoyalFamilyFan · 28/12/2021 21:21

@lilly7221w they are not the only options.
OP was going to pay towards major improvements in the house even though she has no interest in it. How is that fair?

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 21:22

Why are women so bloody stupid.

Marriage is a legal and financial relationship as well as a romantic one.

It is, but the OP isn't married and nobody has disputed marriage is a legal arrangement. I stated that a romantic relationship is not the same as a relationship between a landlord and a tenant.

Romantic relationships are not the same as landlord and tenant relationships. You can shout all you like about it, but they are not the same relationship.

Within a romantic relationship people can structure their living arrangements and finances however they like. It still isn't a landlord/tenant relationship .

Anyway you gain full marks for stupid misogyny with your women being bloody stupid comment.
Hmm

lilly7221w · 28/12/2021 21:26

@RoyalFamilyFan

Well it's not fair, so don't pay for them... I'm sure my landlords years ago would have liked me to do similar. I didn't.

Op got herself into this position.

OnTheBoardwalk · 28/12/2021 21:26

I know it’s been said but 2.5 years and only living together for a couple of months is far too soon to be thinking about what happens when either of you die unless you’re both in your 80s

Pay your remaining debts off and as you say start saving what you were paying off. If you get married remember he might be entitled to half of it if you divorce

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 21:28

@LolaSmiles we have a very different idea of a romantic relationship.
I think if you love someone you care about their future. Not just have the attitude of, that is for you to sort out
I think there's many ways for people to structure their assets and financial affairs in a romantic relationship and how those arrangements are done will depend on a range of factors including the length of the relationship, how long they've been cohabiting, the financial status of both parties, any debt, any children, and how far both parties wish to combine assets and finances.

12 different couples could structure their relationships, living arrangements, and finances in 12 very different ways. It doesn't make anyone more or less romantic. They're just different ways of structuring relationships, living arrangements and finances.

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 21:36

Anyway you gain full marks for stupid misogyny with your women being bloody stupid comment.

Yes yes, cry misogyny for being called out on stupid comments. And you're still at it: marriage is not the same as tenancy. No shit Sherlock.

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 21:41

Yes yes, cry misogyny for being called out on stupid comments. And you're still at it: marriage is not the same as tenancy. No shit Sherlock.

There's no crying misogyny.

Dismissing women by saying Why are women so bloody stupid. is misogynistic.

Don't want to get challenged for misogynistic bullshit, perhaps avoid sweeping sexism about the stupidity of half the human race.

Bauble1234 · 28/12/2021 21:41

Instead of saving for a buy to let, it may be worth getting a financial adviser and investing in stocks and shares. Long term return would probably be more and you wouldn't have the hassle of being a landlord. Another thing is stocks and shares are more liquid as opposed to a buy to let where it is more difficult and time consuming to get the property back. I have been both a landlord and an investor in stocks and shares. Being a landlord was a pain even though our tenant was okay. Stocks and shares much less trouble. They do go up and down in value but earnings long term exceed what I earned as a landlord by a lot.

billy1966 · 28/12/2021 21:46

So after paying 50% of his morgage and higher bills.

He wants 50% of improvements.

Buying a lodge.

You buying a luxury car for him to use more tjan you?

Unbelievable.

He definitely saw you coming OP.🙄

He must be banking a nice bit of money since you moved in.🙄

bowlingalleyblues · 28/12/2021 21:48

If you are a Co-owner of the property then it makes sense that you would pay for home improvements, white goods etc. If you are, effectively, a housemate with no rights and no contract who could be turfed out with no notice by your partner, then let your partner fund that out of your rent. It’s all a bit soon, could you agree to discuss it a year in - and you don’t invest in the property for now, and concentrate on paying off your debts and investing your money rather than buying holidays and cars.

me4real · 28/12/2021 21:49

Once debts are paid off - 6 months - I’ll thankfully be able to put around £1.5k+ away each month if I tighten my own belt a little - will have enough for a BTL in no time.

Especially as you won't be paying towards his mortgage anymore/his house refurb. Smile

TatianaBis · 28/12/2021 21:57

@LolaSmiles

Challenged

🤣 In ya dreams.

pinkpapaya · 28/12/2021 21:58

@Dogmummy1980

I pay the slightly higher figure because I earn quite a decent wage and wanted to assure him that financially we were good - silly me

There are other things he has wanted me to change - for example right now I have a decent car I use for work - very long motorway miles and with 4 kids he wanted a 7 seater. As I get car allowance he wanted me to sort one - think luxury 4x4 7 seater that he was thinking - oh and with me doing the longer miles he wanted to use it predominantly with me using it at weekends and I use my existing car during the week. This also will not be happening…… I might go and buy a really nice 4 seater sports car - for myself with my really long miles.

Please please please stop paying out for this man because that is what you are doing! I know you agreed to it in good faith and because you are a nice person and you wanted things to work etc but my mum, several yars after she divorced my father dated a man like this. Thank God she never moved in with him but she literally spent thousands to make things nice for him and his DC from a previous relationship. She was paying out so he got to keep more in his pocket and he earned much more than her. It ended one Christmas when she had to move home and he was supposed to come and help her with things. He never turned up and she was left sitting surrounded by boxes on Christmas Eve with nothing. When he got in touch a few days later and she called him out on it (They had been dating for 3 years) he made pathetic excuses and she dumped him. Those who say women are 'gold diggers' often don't seem to realise that there are lots of men out there who are users and will happily let you spend YOUR money so they get to keep more of their own.

Please OP, don't go down this route and don't spend a penny other than a nice birthday/Christmas gift for his kids - no cars, no holiday homes, no nothing. Please look after yourself first because he isn't going to do it. Also, as concerned as he is about his kid's future, so should you be about yours because if all your money is sunk into paying for him and his, there will be no slack for yours. the roof over your head is the most important thing. Please do get a BTL/holiday home/investment property solely in your name and I wouldn't tell him about it either!

SD1978 · 28/12/2021 21:58

This is something you need a proper, serious talk about- and really should have already. If, as you say, you potentially can expect to be controlled using for 40 years to this house, I would not accept that and no claim on it. So either there is something organised to give you ongoing rights to stay in the property whilst it's I greeted by his kids, or stop paying the mortgage. I wouldn't be paying a mortgage on a house I had no claim on and would instead be buying one yourself.

gofg · 28/12/2021 22:02

Why will you be homeless? I don't own a house, I rent and will have to do the same when I am old. Surely you will just find somewhere to rent?

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2021 22:24

🤣 In ya dreams

Well, if your response to being told saying Why are women so bloody stupid is misogynistic is to claim someone is crying misogyny...
🤷‍♀️

emptyempire · 28/12/2021 22:25

Surely, you understand that the OP is unlikely to be able to pay rent upon retirement?