To be potentially homeless when I’m old?

[Dogmummy1980]

I’ve been with DP now for 2.5 years and we moved in together a few months ago - me moving into his house. I was renting a property previously and also moved in with debts that are now almost clear. We have 4 kids, 2 each, none together. I’ve always said if it is that we split I would never claim for his house - I don’t own a property and his is mortgaged but in the instance we split it wouldnt feel right me doing so. He is divorced and it was their marital home. I pay half of the household outgoings each month

However my mind is niggling at me - if we are together until he dies then what then for me? When I’ve brought it up he has simply said to trust that his kids/family wouldn’t see me having to move out immediately. Whaaaattt??? He has also now claimed I am asking this as I am after money - I’m absolutely not as my only question has been if/when we were elderly. I am also aware I would never be in his will - the entire lot would be for his kids. I’m a benefactor in my mums will so eventually I would be ok money wise (as much as I hate to think of this idea)

So essentially for me to ensure I have somewhere to live when I am old I would need to buy a property and rent it out for the next goodness knows how long - something I really don’t want to have to do but I see no other way to protect myself when I’m old. I rented out my now sold (at a loss) property before and it’s been all manners of hassle.

AIBU to think this is ridiculous that I’m having to do this? That you either want to build a life with someone or you don’t??? And certainly if you are planning on spending to next 30+ years with someone you wouldn’t just expect your DP to leave their home at that sort of age in those circumstances?? I just feel lost/bereft - huge mix of emotions really!

[quote lilly7221w]@susan123
And if he says no? they made an agreement, why do you think she can change it?[/quote]
Then huge alarm bells would be ringing. Any decent person would understand that this whole scenario is hugely in their favour and should be more balanced out.

If I was single in a year's time there's no way I'd be handing over my assets to a man I've been living with a couple of months, especially if he was paying off debts whilst complaining that he might have to use his spare cash to make his own financial plans.

How hard is it to understand that if you ask someone for payments towards your mortgage you are laying yourself open to a later claim of beneficial interest in the property??

So demanding money towards your mortgage could precisely hand part of your assets over in the long term.

No-one is talking about handing over his assets: OP's concern, if you read her posts properly, is being evicted at a moment's notice years down the line.

Would you personally move in with a man & offer to pay half his mortgage and over the odds on utilities 'in case' they increase? If you would you're a fool.

I will also be reconsidering his plans for us to fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us - after all he has made it clear that it’s his house

I am really concerned at his motives OP. The primary aim for him in this cohabitation lark is seems to be for him to save money.

I would not be comfortable with a partner who was trying to take advantage of me financially the way this guy is.

" I will also be reconsidering his plans for us to fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us - after all he has made it clear that it’s his house"

He is some piece of work if he wants you to pay 50% of thousands of pounds of work for HIS home.

OP, kindly meant, but he obviously thinks you are so DIM and you must have a MUG sign on your forehead for him to be such a CF to suggest this and think you might go for it.

You really need to wise up to this user.

TractorAndHeadphones
Ultimately living in someone else's house runs that risk though. I believe the OP saying they aren't hopi ng for a stake in the house, which is why I think they're best not paying towards any mortgage that they're not on the deeds for. It's better invested for the Op's future.

It's why the OP is being sensible in deciding to go down the route of Buy To Let.

Living with each other for a couple of months is quite soon to start wanting to know what will happen with the house if one person dies.

I think part of the issue is something like "the kids won't kick you out straight away" or something something that effect could easily mean that a partner cam remain in the house whilst the estate is sorted and that time gives them an opportunity to make arrangements, and a partner saying they'd want provision not to be kicked out straight away can easily mean "I want to remain in my partner's house for an extended period of time until it's convenient for me to move on". It's such a messy conversation for such an early stage in a relationship.

I'd be really taken back if I'd been living with someone for a couple of months and they were asking what I'd do with my assets when I die to ensure they're provided for in whatever way.

TatianaBis
I wouldn't be taking money for a mortgage either, which i think I said in an earlier post iirc.

My assets would be for my children and I'd expect any future partner to make their own plans for financial independence.

If after period of time cohabiting there was a reason to change wills to include a period of time living in the property then I'd consider it, but no way would I be depriving my children of any inheritance to make housing provision for someone I'd been living with a couple of months.

But that's how it is. it's not financial abuse, that's the agreement

There is no agreement. That is the problem which many posters here are pointing out and you are ignoring. She is paying half his mortgage and for home improvements without so much as a short term tenancy agreement to protect her.

But you have made your position very clear - you would cheerfully let someone contribute to the maintenance and bills on your property supposedly thinking they are in a romantic relationship with you and then see them kicked out on your death, having enhanced your DCs' inheritance. What a lovely proposition.

Living with each other for a couple of months is quite soon to start wanting to know what will happen with the house if one person dies.

It’s not too soon. If she were a tenant issues around notice, termination of contract etc would have been set out in the terms and conditions.

If she had a cohabitation agreement sorted before she moved in, this all would have been ironed out.

In the days of Covid he could keel over tomorrow.

You seem to be confusing her rights as a tenant if something untoward happened with long term assigning of assets.

I knew a lovely woman in her 70s who found herself homeless when her partner - who she'd lived with for 30 years - died.

This is why it's a bad idea to live with men who aren't committed or keen enough to marry you. #oldschool

@Pidgonn

OP, in my relationship the roles are reversed. DP and I live in my house. We split bills and outgoings 50:50 apart from the mortgage, which I pay alone. DP is late 40s and has used the lack of housing costs to save a deposit for his own house. This is now rented out. We both feel that this gives him a level of financial security in the event of us splitting up. It means that he is not dependent on me or our relationship for a roof over his head, which feels like a much healthier situation.

But that is a perfectly sensible agreement resulting from upfront discussion considering the interests of both parties equally. That is the kind of arrangement the OP should be looking for rather than paying her DP's mortgage and home improvements with absolutely no protection at all.

Currently he could throw her out next week and she has no home and no guaranteed time to find one. There is no protection without a written contract. Ever.

I would pay 1/2 bills but nothing toward mortgage or home improvements
Then buy an investment property either buy to let or holiday home that can be let out when not being used

Even if he makes a will leaving his house to you he could always make a new will further down the line.

@5thnonblonde

You can leave your house or a portion of your house to your kids but with the proviso that the surviving spouse can live in there until they die/need to move, I can’t remember the legal terminology but it isn’t uncommon.

It's called 'a lifetime tenancy' - my dear old grandad did this so my step-nana would stay in the house they shared together for as long as she wants, at which point it will pass to his biological grandchildren (she has another house she will leave to her biological grandchildren)

He passed away 6 years ago and she still lives there, she is in her 90's and there is no way we would have wanted her to move out anyway!

TatianaBis
A romantic relationship is not the same as a tenant/landlord relationship.

Each adult has a responsibility towards their own financial independence. The OP didn't have to opt to move into a man's house. She has enough resources of her own if she wanted to.

Anyone could keel over at any time in life. He could keel over tomorrow, are you suggesting that his children should not gain their inheritance for however long because Dad's partner has lived with him in his house for a couple of months and paid half the mortgage for however many weeks?

@Dogmummy1980

I do really appreciate the differences of views - can completely understand people being opposed to my feelings that I shouldn’t be turfed out in my old age if paying towards everything - and where others have seen this happen to others it’s really brought it home as being a massive potential

As someone has mentioned it has been his attitude towards it that’s been the problem - I had mentioned when I was moving in that I would like one day to possibly own a property again but when we looked into it a lot more (25% deposit) plus the potential of having a bad tenant - I rented my old house out for less than a year and it was trashed - it just felt like a lot of heartache really and we agreed it wasn’t something I wouldn’t need to do - after all we have somewhere to live and BTL can be risky. So for it now to be suddenly something I have no option but to do is quite an annoyance.

We had actually planned for me to buy a lodge somewhere for us all to use as a family - weekends away, school holidays etc - we had even planned to go and see a site we love in a few weeks for me to start financially planning and had registered our interest but this is now a firm nope from me

I will also be reconsidering his plans for us to fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us - after all he has made it clear that it’s his house

With your updates it looks more and more like you're being taken for a ride. I wasn't quite on your side with the opening post but now I firmly am!

Well done for standing up for yourself.

@C8H10N4O2
😂 of course that's the agreement. she moved in, he asked for half the mortgage, she pays it.

If she doesn't want to pay it...she moves out. if you can't see that as an agreement, good luck fighting it legally because you will loose.

I own my house outright, completely paid off, can you explain how moving a man in to pay half the bills would enhance my children's inheritance? or furthermore how he would be worse off? my house is over 800K... can you wok out the rent? do you think paying half bills would cover that?

He'd get to live in a much nicer house for less than he was currently paying renting.

That's how life works, and you're upset because what, you find yourself in a similar position?

The truth is people will protect equity, more so as they get older.

YANBU. I think a lot of people have a thing where the widow/er can stay in the house for the remainder of their lives.

But 2.5 years isn't long I suppose. Long enough for a proposal, engagement at least (given Covid) or marriage though. Is that something you would want/would've wanted @Dogmummy1980 ? Though personally I would be 'assessing' him for a while longer now after his comments and not run into anything like that.

I will also be reconsidering his plans for us to fully recarpet the house, do the bathroom, bedroom etc….. him wanting these things paid for between us - after all he has made it clear that it’s his house

@Dogmummy1980 Good plan OP. Keep your eyes open.

Does he tend to be thoughtless in his comments or actions etc?

I don't know why you're paying inflated bills. You say you both worked out a figure that allows for future increases in electricity prices, etc,.. Don't. Pay what the bills actually are, now. Increase what you pay only when the bills increase.

You and your dp do need to discuss this in some detail and make some agreements. You may or may not need legal advice or a financial advisor.

If the house is his to leave to his children and you have no stake, then you shouldn't be contributing towards the mortgage at all.

If the house is his to leave to his children and you will have some sort of stake should he die first, then he needs to write this into his will eg estate to be split between children with an amount of ££ to be given to Dogmummy1980. The stake you have in the house should roughly reflect what you have contributed to it via mortgage, home improvements etc. A % of total sale for example.

The first option is probably the best, if you're planning to buy a BLT. Then you're both paying mortgages to protect the future of you and your children.

Thinking about it, my priority would be to ensure my assets went to my children, rather to him should I die first.

A BLT is probably the best way to do this, given your circumstances.

There'd be no problem with him writing something into his will about you having a right to stay there, or whatever you both decide (or he decides bearing your concerns in mind.)

If you split up (not that that'll happen of course ) he can always change it again. He is being thoughtless.

I pay the slightly higher figure because I earn quite a decent wage and wanted to assure him that financially we were good - silly me

There are other things he has wanted me to change - for example right now I have a decent car I use for work - very long motorway miles and with 4 kids he wanted a 7 seater. As I get car allowance he wanted me to sort one - think luxury 4x4 7 seater that he was thinking - oh and with me doing the longer miles he wanted to use it predominantly with me using it at weekends and I use my existing car during the week. This also will not be happening…… I might go and buy a really nice 4 seater sports car - for myself with my really long miles.

Pay only towards bills, no mortgage payments, nothing that increases the value of the house etc.

He could quite easily ensure you can stay there in your old age but given he is not bothered by it you need to look after your own interests.

I would never live with someone after DH because I don’t want anyone to have any kind of claim on DD’s inheritance tbh or have someone living in her house for 20 odd years after I pop my clogs. But I would be really upfront about it too, I wouldn’t want to leave someone worse off than they otherwise would have been.

Once debts are paid off - 6 months - I’ll thankfully be able to put around £1.5k+ away each month if I tighten my own belt a little - will have enough for a BTL in no time.

@Motnight

Op a friend of mine was in a very similar situation to you. Her partner died unexpectedly and his adult kids gave her a week to leave the house that had been her home for years. It was a horrible time for her. However it had been made clear to her all along that she wasn't in his will, so this would happen.

I have seen this happen several times - twice to the mothers of friends, twice to neighbours and once to a very dear friend of my mother's. Where money is concerned after a death, you absolutely cannot rely on the family to 'do the right thing' even blood family! Even if you had raised the kids since they were small as my mum's friend did, it all counted for nothing and they literally hounded her out of her home and refused to let her take anything of his for a keepsake. It was cruel and wicked to see and this lady had been nothing but kind to them. Unfortunately, they were very grabby, greedy even as kids and the only thing they were interested in was getting their hands on any money even before their father's body was cold though they had been reticent about visiting or providing care when the poor man was dying of cancer. Oh no! That all got left to my mum's friend to deal with!

His attitude is awful. As another poster said, there is absolutely nothing to stop him changing his will so you get to live in it until your death before they inherit. the fact he is even thinking it is OK to put you in such a perilous position speaks volumes.