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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really being unreasonable? The way my husband acts when DSC come

116 replies

IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:21

This is really starting to upset me. I was hoping it would get better as our DS started to get a bit older but it isn't.

Two DSC 9 and 13 and one DS together who is 2. My step children are lovely this is nothing at all to do with them personally but I'm starting to hate when they stay because of how my husband completely changes. I feel like I have a different marriage when they are here compared to when they aren't. They currently live here 50% of the time 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Anyway, when they come it is like a VIP is coming. My husband goes all out, always going on about wanting to make it fun, "what can we do with the kids this week/weekend that's fun", running around after them, always disappearing up to their room to watch them play Xbox and things. Which is fine in itself but it's like our son barely exists when they are here. Everything is about them, even when they aren't here he won't come with us to things because it's almost not worth it unless DSC are there. I take DS places with my friends instead, he has NEVER gone out for the day just with us.

Christmas day is what has really upset me recently. It was DSC year to be with us which we were all looking forward to.

On the morning DH literally didn't pay 5 minutes of attention to DS. The morning for him was entirely focused on DSC and opening their presents, fussing over what they got. Me and DS just sat together and opened his presents. His dad literally didn't make a single fuss over him or help him with one present. I felt so upset, he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested.

I tried to fuss over both DS and DSC and looked at what the got, oohed and ahhed ect... But DH didn't bother at all. It was like we were in two separate houses.

I just feel so bad for DS who's still small but will (and already is sometimes) starting to notice and ask for Daddy. As he gets older surely this will be horrible for him if it doesn't change?

I do understand he has Daddy here all week but it's not like DH makes anywhere near the same fuss over him. He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff but the way he fusses over and makes so much effort to do things for DSC just is not the same for DS regardless as to whether they are here or not. It's like he takes DS being here for granted but DSC need some massive show all the time.

It's making me resentful and really hurt for my son.

OP posts:
pointythings · 28/12/2021 10:26

He's not a good dad though, is he? Not to any of his children. He Disney Dads to your DSC and neglects your DS. Neither is acceptable. You need to sit him down and talk to him firmly about it because it has to change - you're quite right, your DS is already affected and that will only get worse.

It probably comes from guilt, but he needs to deal with that.

Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:30

Another thing and I don't know quite how to word it but it's like we can't have a conversation about anything to do with DS or him getting something without it turning around to being a conversation about DSC and how great they are ect.. it's like he sees doing anything for or with or even just talking about DS as something unfair to his oldest children and HAS to include them in absolutely everything all of the time. DS can have nothing just for him, not even a conversation.

I find myself just switching off now when the conversation goes from DS to DSC because I just think FFS can I not just talk about our son with you?

OP posts:
Lovelymincepies · 28/12/2021 10:30

He sounds awful. I’d be leaving.

Xmasishere10 · 28/12/2021 10:33

What has he said when you’ve discussed it with him?

He possibly feels guilt for not being able to be there for DSC 24/7 so wants to make it up to then when they are around and show them he still cares even if not living with them and maybe is just trying too hard. I think it’s nice he’s doing this and wouldn’t want him to stop, it’s just about making sure your 2 year old also gets attention.

What fuss would you like him to make over your 2 year old? It might also be that the others are 9 and 13 so he finds it easier to know how to interact with them/do things with them (not that that’s an excuse).

LeifSan · 28/12/2021 10:36

Is he worried that his older kids will be jealous of their half brother and so treats him as second class when they are there?

MattHancocksSexTape · 28/12/2021 10:37

He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff

How the fuck does doing the normal stuff make him a good dad? It makes him a dad. Up your standards.

Notwithittoday · 28/12/2021 10:39

Disney dad syndrome. We have it here BUT he does fuss our own baby too. I don’t mind waiting for dsc for days out but ours are here a lot and if I really want to do something and it doesn’t sit right with days we would still go. You just need to be very clear with him about what’s happening and why it’s wrong. If he doesn’t sort it out perhaps your ds will get better quality time with him if he’s on part time hours as well

SituationCritical · 28/12/2021 10:41

He feels guilty and worried about his children only having their Dad half the time and desperate to make up for that and for them not to be jealous of the child who has him every day. He is going about it the wrong way obviously, but I'd guarantee that's what is going on.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:41

Hello! Similar set up here with my DSC and little one. It is not healthy for any of the children for them to be treated this way. He needs to sort out his dad guilt or he will do serious damage to the family unit

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:42

@SituationCritical

He feels guilty and worried about his children only having their Dad half the time and desperate to make up for that and for them not to be jealous of the child who has him every day. He is going about it the wrong way obviously, but I'd guarantee that's what is going on.
Yes. He needs to stop feeling like he has to "make up" anything.
Jacaranda75 · 28/12/2021 10:43

Is it guilt, do you think? Was he the one who left? If so, is he trying to make up for things? Obviously I don't know, but just a guess.

gingerbiscuits · 28/12/2021 10:46

That sounds like guilt & overcompensation on his part. I'd guess that a lot of dads go through it at some point, to a degree, but he seems to be stuck in it, in a big way, which is not healthy or fair on any of you.

You're definitely not being unreasonable to feel how you do & you need to have a brutally honest conversation with him about it ASAP or it will just continue & your understandable upset & resentment will get even worse.

He needs to wake up & realise that your son will not be a 'baby who doesn't notice' for much longer & that bonding with him, spending time with him, treating him, taking him on days out, etc does not detract in any way from his relationship with his other children.

madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 10:46

Was he like this before you had your DS? Has it got worse since he was born?

Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:48

@madisonbridges

Was he like this before you had your DS? Has it got worse since he was born?
No it's definitely got worse since DS.
OP posts:
SmallElephant · 28/12/2021 10:48

Have you talked to him about this OP? Giving specific examples?

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 10:48

I think you need to have a very open conversation with your husband. The way I would do it:
' DH, I am worried about our son and the impact the current situation has on him. When DSC are visiting you are turning into a very different person and even at 2 our son started noticing. I want to emphasise it has nothing to do with DSC, they are lovely and I have no issues with them. My issue is with you and your behavior when they are here. . You can't be a father to only DSC and not our boy for 50%of the time. I would encourage you to spend time with DSC, but you can't consistently ignore our little boy and make it so obvious he doesn't matter to you. He won't be growing up in the house with such an obvious disparity between children '

BooksAndGin · 28/12/2021 10:50

Have you told him this? What has he said?

Theunamedcat · 28/12/2021 10:52

Have you spoken to him? If he doesn't understand offer to leave

Jeschara · 28/12/2021 10:54

@Lovelymincepies

He sounds awful. I’d be leaving.
Really over the top comment.
Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:57

I've tried to gently mention things yes but any time I do it turns into me apparently just "having a problem with DSC" which is so far from the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:58

Really over the top comment

I don't think it is over the top if it continues and doesn't change. I don't want to do that obviously but if he won't listen to me or take on board anything I say, why should my son grow up feeling like he's not as important to his Dad? I'd rather remove him then have him feel like that.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 28/12/2021 10:58

He is feeling guilty for the effects of the divorce in his first marriage children.
You need to talk to him.
If he carries on like this, he will have a second divorce with another child involved.
It has to be horrible for his older children, actually, they are old enough to realise. And all this extra fuss must feel to them like they can get away with anything.... well now that their parents are divorced.
I think if I only had my DD 50% of the time, I would want to make fun memories of it, and going out quite sounds like it. So I get that bit.
But, also want to make great memories with my little one, and most definitively treat him the same as my other children when we are all together. If it was a once off that he got carried away, but every time!

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 10:59

@Iwonder08

I think you need to have a very open conversation with your husband. The way I would do it: ' DH, I am worried about our son and the impact the current situation has on him. When DSC are visiting you are turning into a very different person and even at 2 our son started noticing. I want to emphasise it has nothing to do with DSC, they are lovely and I have no issues with them. My issue is with you and your behavior when they are here. . You can't be a father to only DSC and not our boy for 50%of the time. I would encourage you to spend time with DSC, but you can't consistently ignore our little boy and make it so obvious he doesn't matter to you. He won't be growing up in the house with such an obvious disparity between children '
I would say something like this but also raise concerns about the impact on DSC
Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:59

Yes I believe it is guilt. He said before DS was born that he was worried about DSC feeling pushed out. They are fantastic with their brother though and have shown no signs to us that they are unhappy with the situation. I know that's no guarantee but they do seem really taken with him.

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:01

He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff

Normal stuff means going places as a family, paying attention to them at Christmas, showing an interest when your child comes to you.

What you actually mean is, he can provide the basic care for a child. That’s not “good dad” material.