Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really being unreasonable? The way my husband acts when DSC come

116 replies

IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:21

This is really starting to upset me. I was hoping it would get better as our DS started to get a bit older but it isn't.

Two DSC 9 and 13 and one DS together who is 2. My step children are lovely this is nothing at all to do with them personally but I'm starting to hate when they stay because of how my husband completely changes. I feel like I have a different marriage when they are here compared to when they aren't. They currently live here 50% of the time 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Anyway, when they come it is like a VIP is coming. My husband goes all out, always going on about wanting to make it fun, "what can we do with the kids this week/weekend that's fun", running around after them, always disappearing up to their room to watch them play Xbox and things. Which is fine in itself but it's like our son barely exists when they are here. Everything is about them, even when they aren't here he won't come with us to things because it's almost not worth it unless DSC are there. I take DS places with my friends instead, he has NEVER gone out for the day just with us.

Christmas day is what has really upset me recently. It was DSC year to be with us which we were all looking forward to.

On the morning DH literally didn't pay 5 minutes of attention to DS. The morning for him was entirely focused on DSC and opening their presents, fussing over what they got. Me and DS just sat together and opened his presents. His dad literally didn't make a single fuss over him or help him with one present. I felt so upset, he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested.

I tried to fuss over both DS and DSC and looked at what the got, oohed and ahhed ect... But DH didn't bother at all. It was like we were in two separate houses.

I just feel so bad for DS who's still small but will (and already is sometimes) starting to notice and ask for Daddy. As he gets older surely this will be horrible for him if it doesn't change?

I do understand he has Daddy here all week but it's not like DH makes anywhere near the same fuss over him. He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff but the way he fusses over and makes so much effort to do things for DSC just is not the same for DS regardless as to whether they are here or not. It's like he takes DS being here for granted but DSC need some massive show all the time.

It's making me resentful and really hurt for my son.

OP posts:
thetinsoldier · 28/12/2021 11:23

@oftenbaffled

Sorry if missed

How old is your son?

It's literally the fifth line of the Op. he's 2.
oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:25

How did his relationship break down with their mother? Ie does he feel guilty?

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:27

Given ages,this might come to a head soon.

It’s teenagers can’t stand 50/50

Do you think they would choose to live with you or their mother on a higher % basis?

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:27

Most teenagers I meant to say

mumda · 28/12/2021 11:28

Just point out he'll have to Disney dad two lots of kids if he doesn't pull his finger out.

He needs to treat them equally all the time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/12/2021 11:29

We’re in the same position with ages and family make up but we have my DSC less than 50/50 and no way would I be putting up with this. DD is as entitled to a full happy childhood with the involvement of both of her parents as my DSC did at her age and continue to do.

Your husband had no business having another child if he’s not willing to pitch in properly with him. His dad guilt is his problem to address and shouldn’t be affecting DS or you like this. It’s horrible.

My child wouldn’t be living a half life because she happens to have two half siblings who don’t live here full time. That’s outrageous.

DH takes his two out, he takes all 3 out, we go out all together. No child is more or less important or worthy of engagement than any other.

Him trying to make your concerns about you resenting his two is fucking nasty. It’s actually the case that he resents youngest DS or he’d be making more of an effort to have a real relationship with him 7 days a week.

Put your foot down now. Suggest he gets some therapy. Explain very clearly that if the only way DS will get his dad’s attention is to also see him part time because you’ve divorced him then that’s what you’ll have to do.

I’d be disappointed, angry and very hurt. You’re not wrong to thing this is serious.

If he’s crap at listening then write him a letter.

ravenmum · 28/12/2021 11:29

They are 9 and 13.

WhatIsThisPlease · 28/12/2021 11:30

Does your DSC's Mum have a partner? Could he be competing with him?

Sounds unbearable for you Sad

purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 11:32

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

I even got scolded by him once for taking DS to an aquarium with a friend with a similar aged child (not even with him) because DSC would have liked that and gotten more out of it so we could have "saved" that for when they were here. My son can't just enjoy going to an aquarium with his Mum without it somehow turning around to be about DSC. It's a joke really.
Yes that is shit and I would have told him fuck off.
Hankunamatata · 28/12/2021 11:34

Did he actually want another child? Sad

MillaRennt · 28/12/2021 11:43

This guy is an absolute joke. Especially when you mentioned he has never taken his 2 year old son out for the day. Your husband needs to get a grip. Pronto. I cannot believe you call him a good dad when this is the kind of stunts he pulls. Up your standards, OP. You sound absolutely lovely but don't be a doormat when it comes to your kid.

StillWaitingOverHere · 28/12/2021 11:45

Does he do anything at all just him and your son? Do you leave them so he just has to get on with it?

Teacaketotty · 28/12/2021 12:00

This makes me so sad for your 2 year old, he will notice and end up resenting his dad and step siblings - so so sad, actually I think borderline abusive not a good dad at all.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:00

What fuss would you like him to make over your 2 year old? It might also be that the others are 9 and 13 so he finds it easier to know how to interact with them/do things with them (not that that’s an excuse).

It's not difficult to work out, is it? At 2, he will for the first time have some awareness of Christmas, surely the minimum his dad should do is play with him and any new toys and give him a bit of attention. If his dad has already had two children go through the same stage, it should if anything be easier for him.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:03

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

I think if I only had my DD 50% of the time, I would want to make fun memories of it, and going out quite sounds like it. So I get that bit

I totally get this but he will not do the same when they aren't here for DS. For example if I took DS to a farm or something when DSC weren't here he wouldn't come. DS has never (and it seems never will) experienced a day out where it's been for him with his Dad included. We've been out all together of course but as DSC are there then it's all focused on them.

I wonder if the best approach would be to confront him about these individual occasions and specifically ask why your DS has to miss out on his father's involvement? Especially if it's a small child's activity that the older children wouldn't come to even if they were around. And, after each occasion when you go out and DS has been ignored, ask why he couldn't have taken his turn at looking after DS, having him on his shoulders or whatever?
mumsiedarlingrevolta · 28/12/2021 12:04

I think another thing I would point out is that the DSC will or are noticing this and it makes for a very unhealthy imbalance in the family dynamics.

I also agree that it is probably guilt but he is doing the exact thing to your DS that he feared for his older DC -he was worried that that they would feel left out and "lesser than" and is doing exactly that to DS by excluding and marginalising DS he is making it clear to everyone that he is not a priority.

JeffThePilot · 28/12/2021 12:06

I’d also ask him if he’d spend more time with his youngest if you separated and he had him 50/50 as well, as if that’s what you have to do to make him step up to parent him, you will.

I know it sounds harsh but honestly, he can’t keep going on like this, he’s letting your son down.

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:06

@CagneyNYPD1

Yes, it is guilt driving the over compensation. But it does sound that it is more than that. The way he behaves towards your toddler ds is as if he is being punished for living with Dad full time. I think some tough home truths are required and some counselling for your dh so that he can work through what is underneath all of this.

If he won't go to counselling, I would simply ask him what he would do if he has to accommodate all 3 of his dc on a 50:50 basis.

This. He needs to develop a bit of that conscience about what he's doing to his youngest child and how inequitably he is being treated.
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 28/12/2021 12:07

Are you in touch with your DH's ex at all? If they are lovely children it sounds like it's down to what she's doing to bring them up, and I wonder if she's noticed that they are getting spoilt when they are at yours and how she feels about it.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 28/12/2021 12:08

Does your DSC's Mum have a partner? Could he be competing with him?

This

And possibly wants his ExW to know via the DSC what an a-maze-ing Dad he is .

GatoradeMeBitch · 28/12/2021 12:12

He's not a good Dad if he has never taken his two year old son anywhere, and if he ignores him at Christmas.

he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested

A good Dad would not act this way.

You need to talk this out, and you need to not let him gaslight you and make it about you and your DSC.

Getyourjinglebellsinarow · 28/12/2021 12:17

Yeah I think that's going to be incredible damaging for DS. You need to tackle it now. Sit down and have a conversation about it, explain that it's getting to a point you're wondering if he'd pay more attention to DS if he only saw him half the time. and then everytime he does it show him "you actually have three children you know?" "Are you forgetting about DS again?" "DS would like to spend time with his dad too." Every single time he ignores DS, or turns something about DS into being about DSC.
Absolutely worthy of divorce if he doesn't fix it. No way should DS grow up like that.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/12/2021 12:17

@oftenbaffled

Sorry if missed

How old is your son?

Look at the OPs posts.
IndigoToo · 28/12/2021 12:18

Have the SC noticed/said anything about what happens and their dad’s behaviour? It is so unfair on your son - heartbreakingly so.

TempName01 · 28/12/2021 12:19

I would try and phrase it in a more positive way, say I love how you give attention and are really present to DSC, please could you try to include DS a bit more as he is becoming more aware as he is getting older and I want him to have a good relationship with you as you do with DSC.