Am I really being unreasonable? The way my husband acts when DSC come

[IChangedMyNameToCheerio]

This is really starting to upset me. I was hoping it would get better as our DS started to get a bit older but it isn't.

Two DSC 9 and 13 and one DS together who is 2. My step children are lovely this is nothing at all to do with them personally but I'm starting to hate when they stay because of how my husband completely changes. I feel like I have a different marriage when they are here compared to when they aren't. They currently live here 50% of the time 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Anyway, when they come it is like a VIP is coming. My husband goes all out, always going on about wanting to make it fun, "what can we do with the kids this week/weekend that's fun", running around after them, always disappearing up to their room to watch them play Xbox and things. Which is fine in itself but it's like our son barely exists when they are here. Everything is about them, even when they aren't here he won't come with us to things because it's almost not worth it unless DSC are there. I take DS places with my friends instead, he has NEVER gone out for the day just with us.

Christmas day is what has really upset me recently. It was DSC year to be with us which we were all looking forward to.

On the morning DH literally didn't pay 5 minutes of attention to DS. The morning for him was entirely focused on DSC and opening their presents, fussing over what they got. Me and DS just sat together and opened his presents. His dad literally didn't make a single fuss over him or help him with one present. I felt so upset, he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested.

I tried to fuss over both DS and DSC and looked at what the got, oohed and ahhed ect... But DH didn't bother at all. It was like we were in two separate houses.

I just feel so bad for DS who's still small but will (and already is sometimes) starting to notice and ask for Daddy. As he gets older surely this will be horrible for him if it doesn't change?

I do understand he has Daddy here all week but it's not like DH makes anywhere near the same fuss over him. He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff but the way he fusses over and makes so much effort to do things for DSC just is not the same for DS regardless as to whether they are here or not. It's like he takes DS being here for granted but DSC need some massive show all the time.

It's making me resentful and really hurt for my son.

Print this thread off and show it to him might be a very good way of showing him how you really feel and what an absolute arse he is.

I totally understand, @IChangedMyNameToCheerio

It is a most horrible feeling, as a parent, to see the other parent behaving like this. It is crushing, and I've experienced it too. It can even turn into outright hostility from the dad to your joint child when the others are there (if the dad is a really emotionally useless person).

It will damage your son. You won't be able to shield him from it or stop him noticing. It will only get worse as he gets older and more conscious.

My advice would be a hard conversation with your DH. Try to be neutral but point out his behaviour and see if you can work out a different approach from him going forwards. Raising the issue may be enough. He is probably not properly aware of what he's doing. He feels guilt towards the DSC and he doesn't want to show love and attention for your son as he doesn't want the DSC to feel they've been usurped.

Basically, he's over-compensating.

No, you're not imagining it.

Point it out to him.

Take multiple videos of these occasions and play them back to him showing your DS's disappointed little face.
Have a big shouting row with him.
You are NOT getting through to him.
Does he want yet another child whose mother lives parts with him - ask him if you moved out would he give your child more attention as this seems to be what is required?

That should be ''..lives apart from him..''

@tara66 indeed. If you split he could be a Disney dad to all of them.

It seems that many men don't step up until it's too late , they're happy to leave it to their mother until that option has gone.

The worst bit here is that he has accused you of having an issue with your step children. What a horrible thing to say.

If he can't change then you may have to leave him to it op. This is no way to live.

I'm so sorry to read this OP. My parents are exactly the same with their grandchildren, going above and beyond to see my brother's children, and it really hurts.

Yes the more you post the worse it gets. It’s horrid feeling like second rate citizens. It will cause resentment towards your step children in the long run if you don’t sort this out. What’s your relationship like apart from this?

You need a clear conversation with your DH with concrete examples.
What activities/one-on-one stuff does your DH do with SC that he doesn't do with DS?

I suspect it might be as simple as he finds engaging with older children easier - babies/toddlers can be much trickier and sometimes a bit boring, and you may find he improves as your DS gets older but you do need to encourage one-on-one time with him and DS. Can you go out and leave then together? Or get DH to take him to the park?

Are the stepchildren both boys? That may be making his guilt even worse.

I have a suggestion OP.

Leave them all to it. Let your DH have to look after all three together. And do it very regularly. He will be forced to bond more with DS and balance more with DSC.

I'd try that and give it a few months to see of the penny will drop and the balance adjust itself.

Then try confrontation and therapy etc. He's obviously over-compensating but it's all coming from love for his children. Just got warped in its delivery.

This has made me sad, my dd is 2 and I would literally feel his pain if he was ignored by dh. They adore each other. What a shame for ur little boy. I can see it’s a tricky situation OP and ur partner seems to gaslight you when you pull him up on it but this is your son. Fight for his happiness and his right to a good dad too. Only you can instigate the change needed from your DH.

You've posted about this on here before, at least once before and recently, it was about him kicking off about inequality of Xmas presents right? And the time before that was about you taking your child out 'without' step children and him whining about it and making you feel bad in general.

Is it that you can't talk to him about it and make him realise how seriously this is affecting you? you're very clearly not enjoying your life together, it's making you miserable. Is he is a big baby about it when you try to discuss it with him and how you feel? Does he dismiss it? If you can't communicate with him, you have the option of mediation/therapy or to leave him.

I hate to say it but he is very unlikely to willingly change his behaviour towards his children that he sees as 'positive' without external mediation/perspective if he doesn't respect your feelings.

I hope you find the strength to properly stick up for yourself and your happiness, and equally as important, your son.

What does your DH say when you pint out the way he is behaving towards your (together) ds and the dsc?
When you pont out he is wnthousiastic about planning days out for them but can’t be bothered to even go to the park with him?
When he is all out with the dsc over the Christmas presents but doesn’t even acknowledge his ds?

It is an obviously upsetting situation for you. But I suspect it will be even more damaging for your ds in the long term and this is how I would approach it. How is it that he is treating his dcs differently?

I think the way he is answering will tell you everything. Including if he suddenly starts talking about you (eg you have an issue with the dsc), or about the dsc (how hard it is for them etc….) wo a word about his last child.

Leave them all to it. Let your DH have to look after all three together. And do it very regularly. He will be forced to bond more with DS and balance more with DSC.

Actually that’s a really good idea @madroid

It would force him to
1- parent his own child and take notice of him
2- realise that the 3 dcs are siblings and need to be treated as such

If he doesn’t sort it out perhaps your ds will get better quality time with him if he’s on part time hours as well.

Tell your DH this.

My DH did the Disney dad thing with his DD. He also was there for trips etc with our DC though. We did do a lot more when she was with us but it was as a family so it wasn’t a big deal. Just timed to do when we were all together. Anyway It’s all backfired though as his DD became resentful when he became less Disney as she became an adult. Now she is nearly 30 and thinks it should all still be about her. She’s actually fairly recently cut him off. She was always lovely with her siblings too. But clearly thinks everything should have been about her as a child of divorce. She’s actually stated that she should be his priority. It’s really sad because she has actually made up many failings of her DF in her head and overlooked all the good he tried to do. He literally wouldn’t ever pull her up on anything when she came here as he was that scared she’d not want to see him. Now she won’t see him. Like I said backfired. He created a spoiled madam. I don’t think things will ever get better now. She’s said some really awful things to him and he’s devastated but it’s our DC I feel really sorry for.

You need to tell him that one way or another he will treat your son equally.
Either by being a more involved and attentive father day to day or by playing guilty part time daddy to all his children since you'll be leaving him!

He (your DH) must have an awareness of what he’s doing, especially on Christmas Day. What kind of person ignores their wife and 2 year old son? That’s beyond Disney dad over compensating for the guilt of a broken home (of the DSC). That’s a whole other level, bordering on malicious.

I would draw a line in the sand OP. I would tell him plainly how you’ve been feeling so he can’t pretend that he wasn’t aware. And then tell him that if he doesn’t start treating his children equally then his child care arrangements are about to become a lot more complicated.

I would honestly have a hard time being in love with a man who treated my infant son that way and I don’t know that I would ever be able to feel that same way about him again.

I really really hope your little boy doesn’t have to experience this for much longer. As you say, he’s already getting an awareness of what’s going on.

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

Really over the top comment

I don't think it is over the top if it continues and doesn't change. I don't want to do that obviously but if he won't listen to me or take on board anything I say, why should my son grow up feeling like he's not as important to his Dad? I'd rather remove him then have him feel like that.

TBF if you did leave, he'd go all Disney on your son too

I had one of these, thankfully we didn’t have joint DC though. When his DC came over it was all about them, which in itself wasn’t too bad but it was like I didn’t exist. Either that or he was bloody awful towards me.

I was ignored, spoken to like shit, argued with. If I’d said the sky was blue in front of them, he’d have said it was green. I left when, one summer he and I didn’t go out for even one day together as he just wanted to spend all his free time with his DC.

@Lovelymincepies

He sounds awful. I’d be leaving.

Yep.

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

I even got scolded by him once for taking DS to an aquarium with a friend with a similar aged child (not even with him) because DSC would have liked that and gotten more out of it so we could have "saved" that for when they were here. My son can't just enjoy going to an aquarium with his Mum without it somehow turning around to be about DSC. It's a joke really.

Did you make a thread about this incident?

Honestly LTB, you've given him time and opportunity to change, you have tried to discuss it with him, your DS is now 2? and this has been going on since he was born.

You've got to give yourself a time limit now on how much longer you are willing to put up with this. I'd not even give it another day personally, he's shown you he doesn't give a shiny shit for 2 or more years now.

I say this nicely btw, because you sound switched on and like you want the best for your son, that's commendable but this isn't right and it shouldn't take a father months and years to manage to muster up some interest and enthusiasm for his own child

This is a tricky one. My kids are similar to age to your DSCs and they are a lot more interesting and able to enjoy a lot more than a two year old so I can why he wants to base activities around them to an extent. A third child generally fits around the older ones it's just a bit more obvious because your baby is your only. He should pay lots of attention to little one too.

A third child generally fits around the older ones

I think it's a really shitty way to make your child grow up tbh. You shouldn't be having a third child if they are not going to be treated like an individual and just expected to fit around everyone else. It's not their fault they were born last.

There's nothing wrong with everyone in the family being expected to fit around someone else regardless of age every now and then. It'd be no harm for older DC/DSC to spend one day fitting around a 2 year old or doing something more little child friendly, in the same way it would be fine to do something focused on the older children. It should never just be one child compensating all of the time or just "slotting in with everyone else". I think that's really crap.