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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I really being unreasonable? The way my husband acts when DSC come

116 replies

IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 10:21

This is really starting to upset me. I was hoping it would get better as our DS started to get a bit older but it isn't.

Two DSC 9 and 13 and one DS together who is 2. My step children are lovely this is nothing at all to do with them personally but I'm starting to hate when they stay because of how my husband completely changes. I feel like I have a different marriage when they are here compared to when they aren't. They currently live here 50% of the time 3 nights one week and 4 the next.

Anyway, when they come it is like a VIP is coming. My husband goes all out, always going on about wanting to make it fun, "what can we do with the kids this week/weekend that's fun", running around after them, always disappearing up to their room to watch them play Xbox and things. Which is fine in itself but it's like our son barely exists when they are here. Everything is about them, even when they aren't here he won't come with us to things because it's almost not worth it unless DSC are there. I take DS places with my friends instead, he has NEVER gone out for the day just with us.

Christmas day is what has really upset me recently. It was DSC year to be with us which we were all looking forward to.

On the morning DH literally didn't pay 5 minutes of attention to DS. The morning for him was entirely focused on DSC and opening their presents, fussing over what they got. Me and DS just sat together and opened his presents. His dad literally didn't make a single fuss over him or help him with one present. I felt so upset, he kept toddling over to his Dad who was very obviously not interested.

I tried to fuss over both DS and DSC and looked at what the got, oohed and ahhed ect... But DH didn't bother at all. It was like we were in two separate houses.

I just feel so bad for DS who's still small but will (and already is sometimes) starting to notice and ask for Daddy. As he gets older surely this will be horrible for him if it doesn't change?

I do understand he has Daddy here all week but it's not like DH makes anywhere near the same fuss over him. He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff but the way he fusses over and makes so much effort to do things for DSC just is not the same for DS regardless as to whether they are here or not. It's like he takes DS being here for granted but DSC need some massive show all the time.

It's making me resentful and really hurt for my son.

OP posts:
Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 11:01

I think if I only had my DD 50% of the time, I would want to make fun memories of it, and going out quite sounds like it. So I get that bit

I totally get this but he will not do the same when they aren't here for DS. For example if I took DS to a farm or something when DSC weren't here he wouldn't come. DS has never (and it seems never will) experienced a day out where it's been for him with his Dad included. We've been out all together of course but as DSC are there then it's all focused on them.

OP posts:
madisonbridges · 28/12/2021 11:01

If it's got worse since your child was born, it's obviously him trying to make his children feel that he doesn't favour his child with you over them. Maybe one of them said something? Or maybe a friend asked him a hypothetical question about them being jealous? I don't think his behaviour is that unusual but I'd be more fed up that he doesn't do things as a family group with you two, although, again, he might see that as leaving your SC out. Our brains work in very convoluted ways sometimes.
I think you need to break the pattern so that he can see that nothing dire happens if he treats all the children equally. Could you get him to give you a date when he'd be able to cine out with you and get him to ring up to book it. That way he might feel more invested.
Guilt is the hardest emotion to deal with. Hang in there. It won't be long before your oldest DSC won't even want to come but will prefer to be off with their friends.

Prawn9910 · 28/12/2021 11:02

I’d be leaving this situation op . Sounds really horrible for you .

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 28/12/2021 11:02

Do the dsc interact with their sibling op?

Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 11:03

I even got scolded by him once for taking DS to an aquarium with a friend with a similar aged child (not even with him) because DSC would have liked that and gotten more out of it so we could have "saved" that for when they were here. My son can't just enjoy going to an aquarium with his Mum without it somehow turning around to be about DSC. It's a joke really.

OP posts:
Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 11:04

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Do the dsc interact with their sibling op?
Yes, honestly they are wonderful with him. Absolutely adore him and he them. They are beautiful together they really are.
OP posts:
Dozer · 28/12/2021 11:04

Yes, some dads feel guilty and don’t handle it well. Some were less than ideal dads when their elder DC were tiny. Some have a DC with a new partner primarily in order to keep the relationship and are less than ideal dads to those DC.

Don’t think you can afford to let this lie given the likely negative impact on your DS. If he always turns it back on you with an ill founded counter accusation, that’s not OK either. It might help to seek couple’s counselling.

Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 11:05

I really couldn't have asked for better siblings for my son. It's nothing to do with them personally.

OP posts:
TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:05

He is being ridiculous. Keep doing things with your child. they are going to grow up thinking they are only worth bothering with when their siblings are around.

If he doesn't sort himself out then leave him and he can be an every other week dad to his child if that's what he wants.

TinyLittlePandaSneeze · 28/12/2021 11:05

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

I really couldn't have asked for better siblings for my son. It's nothing to do with them personally.
I totally get that. He is the problem
Yuledo · 28/12/2021 11:05

You need to force the conversation. As a pp said, he’s being unfair to both lots. Disney dad and nrpeglect. He has to strike a better balance or they will all suffer.

CagneyNYPD1 · 28/12/2021 11:06

Yes, it is guilt driving the over compensation. But it does sound that it is more than that. The way he behaves towards your toddler ds is as if he is being punished for living with Dad full time. I think some tough home truths are required and some counselling for your dh so that he can work through what is underneath all of this.

If he won't go to counselling, I would simply ask him what he would do if he has to accommodate all 3 of his dc on a 50:50 basis.

Dixiechickonhols · 28/12/2021 11:09

He obviously feels guilty his children only have a dad 50% of time. How involved was he when his DC were two? He may have been absent so feels guilty if he spends time with your 2 year old. A lot is probably tied up in how things were in his last marriage.
It’s not good for anyone in long term. I think you need a proper conversation with examples and to look at counselling. Don’t think of adding another DC to mix.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2021 11:10

@Lovelymincepies

He sounds awful. I’d be leaving.
Blimey, bit of a fair-weather spouse?

OP, I agree with the PP who said it sounds like guilt and over compensation.

I think you're going to have to sit down and have a serious chat with him, and try to get him to see it from yours and his other child's POV.

Original poster
IChangedMyNameToCheerio · 28/12/2021 11:11

It's like we are totally separate when they are here. Even if we go out it's me walking behind with DS and him just ahead in a separate group with DSC not paying us any attention.

We went out once to choose some stuff for DS's bedroom as he needed some bits like a small set of drawers for his clothes. Nothing extravagant or exciting. Bearing in mind DSC already have this stuff in their own rooms.

We weren't meant to have DSC that day but their Mum asked if we could just before we headed out so they came with us. They weren't bothered at all and were helping me choose some drawers and a few other bits for DS's room. One even wanted to buy him a teddy with their pocket money (didn't let them, we bought it "from" them) but that's how lovely they are.

And yet DH manager to turn the entire day into being about them. In the end we barely looked at anything for DS and DH just took them in all the shops for things for them. The whole shopping trip ended up being about them.

I ended up saying I'd to myself to the store we needed to for DS and just got things by myself while he was off with DSC. If we were doing something to DSCs room though (which we have before not even that long ago) you can guarantee he'd be involved and enthusiastic about it. Not saying it's exciting buying some new drawers and things 🤣 but just the difference in the way he is is so obvious.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 28/12/2021 11:12

He's a good Dad in that he will do the normal stuff

He won't come to the park with you and his child. He's not a good dad.

He plays Disney dad to his other children. That's not a good dad either.

Tell him exactly how his behaviour is and what it's telling your son. Tell him he needs to step up as a father to his youngest.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 28/12/2021 11:14

Do you ever take a dsc out alone? Could you leave the younger ones with dh maybe? Pop the shops with oldest? My exh had a dd smack in between mine age wise... Then I had a tiny ds... Sometimes I left ds and dsd with dh and took my dd's out.

Fireflygal · 28/12/2021 11:15

Have you visited the stepparents forum?

This is a very common issue. Not sure it's always guilt though. How does he react to you when dsc are there?

It can be that he has an hierarchy and you and your son (because he is dependant on you) are just lower down in the pecking order.

QueeniesCroft · 28/12/2021 11:16

@IChangedMyNameToCheerio

Really over the top comment

I don't think it is over the top if it continues and doesn't change. I don't want to do that obviously but if he won't listen to me or take on board anything I say, why should my son grow up feeling like he's not as important to his Dad? I'd rather remove him then have him feel like that.

I don't think it's over the top either. I grew up in a household where I was the ignored child, and one of my siblings was the centre of everything. It's incredibly damaging.
oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:18

Sorry if missed

How old is your son?

RandomMess · 28/12/2021 11:18

Think I'd be blunt and tell him it's so obvious that he has zero interest in DS whether the DSC are there or not that you are considering ending the marriage. Seems like the DSC have more interest in DS than his own Dad.

He needs to know what's at stake.

Christmissy · 28/12/2021 11:19

He sounds horrible. I’d tell him to sort himself out or I’m leaving tbh. This is only going to get worse as your DS gets older.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:20

And how are your step children with your son?

thetinsoldier · 28/12/2021 11:21

Your post was very clear and articulate. Tell him just what you have said here.

His behaviour is completely unacceptable. Your dsc presumably have their mum and other family that they do fun things with when they're not with you? So your dd should do fun things with you and his dad too. You can't live in suspended animation waiting for dsc to arrive!

Good luck with sorting this. Your h might benefit from counselling to find out why he does this and if he can change.

ravenmum · 28/12/2021 11:23

any time I do it turns into me apparently just "having a problem with DSC"
This is not good at all. What a horrible accusation. Is this how he generally communicates with you?

I can understand him being afraid that his first set of children might feel left out. And maybe he's better at interacting with older children. But it sounds like he's panicking about it all and going over the top in the other direction rather than trying to keep things balanced.
Did his own parents divorce?